The following two stories are told by two different wounded spouses attempting to cope with seemingly “My Marriage Made Me Do It” types of affairs.
Note the similar theme of blame, projection and failing to assume responsibility for actions for both of these cheating spouses.
Now, this is crazy making time. Perceptions are skewed. Rationalizations abound. Reality is distorted. Effective communication is nil.
The result: chaos, confusion and that dreadful feeling of being stuck with no way out.
However, there is a difference.
That difference lies in the level of intensity and frequency of the craziness.
The awful feelings of the chaos and confusion are much more intense in the second story. Note her feeling of overwhelm. Her life is almost ground to a halt.
It seems as well that the craziness is always before her. There is no break. His blame, projection, insensitivity is in her face… constantly.
What to do?
Set some boundaries. Create some distance between you and the blame, abuse and craziness. Often easier said than done, especially when the intensity and frequency is notched up.
Note the boundaries set in the first scenario – the blunt conversation, suggesting therapy and the ultimate boundary – you are outa here if you abuse me.
The woman in the second scenario has a more difficult time setting boundaries. Reading my articles is her start in creating some distance (and healthy perspective) between her and the surrounding craziness.
Put a label on the intensity and frequency. Rate it on a scale of 1-10. That often helps give perspective. The intensity of the first case would be a… oh about 7 and in the second case, about a 9. Labeling it each day or when shifts and changes occur helps you emotionally stand back, take a breath and feel more like you can and will set some boundaries.
Story #1:
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
He refuses to discuss the affair or the circumstances leading to it. He blames me and says that I pushed him away, which is untrue. He does this to validate his actions. He makes me out to be vindictive and controlling when nothing could be further from the truth. He withdraws from me, makes himself so busy and tired that there is no time for us. He tells me he loves me and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, then insults me and disrespects me by doing inconsiderate things. He constantly gets angry over every small insignificant thing I say or do, and plays the victim in all of this. He manipulates me into conceding in this way because he knows I have a soft heart and will give in to avoid conflict or to avoid his being hurt.
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?I have continued to talk bluntly
to him about his actions and how they have and still affect me. I have refused to accept the blame for all his troubles and made it clear that he made the bad choices and must take responsibility. I have suggested that he get anger management therapy, which he did, and also follow up with counseling to work out some of his issues that stem with his childhood. He recently started that. And, finally, I have asked him to move out of our home for a while until he can get his head on straight and see things a little more clearly. This separation will give me time as well to re-evaluate our relationship and decide if we can work things out or not.
Story #2:
1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?
I’m told I’m “controlling” read won’t pay his cell phone bill, all 3 of them, blamed for making HIM feel bad, screamed uncontrollably in the yard at me, which is so out of character for him, pushed me for the first time in 21 years, is it the 21 year itch? :) Criticizes me for a messy house, not raising the kids right, not home schooling them right, and all of these are things he never cared about before, a lot of details about the online relationship and how beautiful and brilliant she is, blamed for everything from slamming a door, to stalking him in our house, (because he was sneaking around text messaging) to rejecting him sexually, and the most frustrating is that all the things he complains about is the things I did or said REACTING to him, or something he had done. In a sane moment he can see and understand that, but most of the time, not. Let’s see he blows money on her, blames me for not having enough money to pay the bills… go figure, after telling me and convincing me that the was serious that it was over for us, I changed my life insurance, and now THAT’S an issue…he somehow sees us as divorced/married or something. He didn’t plan on leaving me, just wants me to tolerate his girlfriend!
2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?nothing, basically kicking him
of the house just so I can relax, and not be so uptight. The opposite, is that he told me as long as I keep him in bed, read lots of sex it messes with his goal, to keep her in his life via online and text messaging. But I am at the point that I don’t know if it’s really worth it to have to “Fight” for him, I’m about to say if you want to go, just go! Ironically, we live in Iowa, she’s in Venezuela and they have no plans to meet, but the idea of her is soooo controlling him that he’s willing to throw me and our six kids overboard for her! Our 2 oldest aren’t speaking to him because they know, and that’ okay with him. Any way…nothing seems to working to stop the behavior, can’t concentrate enough to find out what to do in your book, love the concise newsletters though, it gives me a small part to concentrate on.
For more info about the “My Marriage Made Me Do It Affair” get hold of my e-book: Break Free From the Affair.
