How tolerating and putting up with too much in infidelity can be a poison and what to do about it
It is common for someone facing infidelity or an extramarital affair to put up with or tolerate a great deal, especially in the first few weeks of the discovery of the affair or infidelity. Learn how to over time tolerate less with the infidelity.
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Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Putting up with and Tolerating TOO Much
What are you putting up with?
This article is about helping you put up with less. It’s about tolerating less in your life.
Once you stop tolerating as much as you now tolerate: once you stop putting up with the garbage in your life that decays your esteem, soul and spirit you will:
- have more energy to build your life. You will be thrilled about you…and where you can go.
- become much more attractive, and attract attractive people and circumstances. You will attract others and circumstance of life like a strong magnet.
- move through the pain and agony of infidelity much more quickly and powerfully.
- upgrade your community. You will associate with those who give life, hope and live with compassion, passion and purpose – much like you will.
- be a wonderful model for your children or others around you. They will watch you carefully noticing what you do to generate well-being, health and dynamic relationships.
Sounds pretty good doesn’t it?
Some exercises and help is coming your way so you may attain the capacity to break free from putting up with and tolerating that which blocks your life.
Who tolerates and puts up so that life is sucked dry?
Well we all do, to one degree or another.
It seems like there many of us who put up with a great deal. We tolerate.
You may seemingly let others run over you. You allow your cheating spouse to degrade you. You don’t stand up for yourself. You may tend to shrink from the challenges of life.
You may find yourself in a situation whereby your spouse continues the affair and you feel helpless.
S/he may put you down in a variety of ways…and it continues.
You get the picture…
If this is you, you can be commended for your sensitivity. Yes, those who have a difficult time saying no or tolerate more than they truly want are typically those who feel deeply, are greatly in tune with others on a variety of levels and feel deeply that which is around them.
This CAN be a tremendous asset. All of us want to live live more deeply, profoundly and powerfully and you have the innate capacity to EASILY do that. A part of you wants to leap with exhilaration when you touch life or it touches you.
However…. your sensitivity also leads to a proclivity to avoid conflict and confrontation, fearing being cut off from, or fearful of the pain you will FEEL so powerfully and deeply in being cut off from.
This is not always rational but it is powerful – and it GETS IN YOUR WAY. IT TEARS YOU DOWN!
You will learn to put up with and tolerate less and feel much better in the process than you dreamed possible.
Now, there are also those who seemingly tolerate very little. These are the ones who put up with no crap.
You have an affair on me…and you are gone. Period. You are out the door. Done deal!
You may be such a person. You are tough-minded. You are pragmatic and practical.
You see the world in terms of black and while. No gray. Good and evil. No relativity. This is the way!
On the surface you may seem to have no problems with tolerating and putting up with.
Yet, let’s take a closer look.
You typically are goal oriented, rather than people-oriented – typically being intolerant of those who don’t fit your criteria. You have opinions that you hold fast and may be very willing to share them.
You may handle the “I Don’t Want to Say No” and the “I Can’t Say No” affairs wonderfully, since they call for a no-nonsense approach. Maybe the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair as well. However, with the other types, your approach will probably kill something that if you used other tactics – more common to the sensitive person – would have a chance to live and thrive.
So, you seemingly tolerate very little.
However, your inability to tolerate may leave you isolated and constricted.
Your lack of capacity to embrace others, to see beyond the surface behavior, to accept unacceptable behavior as coming from a broken soul leaves you disconnected with the fragility of life that we all face, experience and are called to overcome as we journey on this planet.
And, so you may tolerate a chasm of emptiness and isolation in your life. Unfortunately you may not be aware of this pain.
You also may tolerate a routine life, since your black and white world keeps you from the edges of exploration, wonder and awe.
You may also tolerate psychosomatic illnesses, since you have little release for the internal tension you feel from holding on so tightly. Your body absorbs the fear and tension and sometimes cries out in pain and discomfort.
And so, we all tolerate, don’t we?
And, I suppose we will continue to tolerate and put up with – since life offers a never ending smorgasbord of challenges and intrusions into our well-being.
But, let’s work on our awareness of what we tolerate, what we put up with, those factors in our life that we tolerate that rob us of vitality and the capacity to form deeply satisfying relationships.
More will be coming on this topic.
My goal is to introduce it here.
Now, what I’m asking for is your input. I want you to be part of developing some exercises and resources that we can use to address this vital topic.
Here’s a question I want you to respond to:
What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity? i.e. talking on cell phone in car, coming home late, seeing the anger/rage in his/her eyes, etc.
If you can, identify the kind of affair facing you. This would be nice, but if you can’t don’t worry. I would like to link various tolerations to the specific kinds of affairs, but that may be asking too much. We’ll see.
I want to make a long list and then I have some thoughts on what you can do to whittle away, confront, deal with, challenge, etc. that which you are now tolerating so you might feel GOOD and perhaps even generate change in your relationship.
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