Using Charging Neutral to Stop the Affair or infidelity
Read the case study which focuses on using the strategy of charging neutral. Charging neutral is explained and tips given on how to develop this skill so it can be used effectively in putting an end to the affair and state one’s position.
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Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
More on Charging Neutral: Good-by Mrs. Samsonite
When facing infidelity or extramarital affairs, charging neutral is one of the most powerful tools one can use.
Charging neutral is an oxymoron. How can one CHARGE – more forward forcefully – and still be NEUTRAL.
The power of charging neutral lies in that seeming contradiction.
In the first case study below, of someone who intentionally used the power of charging neutral, please note particular themes.
1. Charging neutral is moving away from trying to attain particular results. Charging neutral is NOT results oriented.
2. Along with that, charging neutral keeps you focused on the present moment. You focus on what is happening in that moment. Your mind is not anticipating your next phrase or word or worried about his/her next response.
3. Charging neutral occurs when you move beyond your personal neediness in that moment. This is a tremendous challenge since, for most of us, our neediness runs below the surface of our lives and unknowingly controls our actions and responses.
4. Charging neutral means we learn from each encounter in the affair, whether it be emotional infidelity or a sexual affair. We become curious about who we are and how we respond.
Case Study #1:
My husband has been involved in a “I can’t say NO” type of affair. This summer he moved back to our town and out of her house (that was in another town). All in hopes from what he told me to work on rebuilding our relationship and get relationship help. Well as of Oct 1st he allowed her to move into his place here in our town. He didn’t have to come out and tell me. I knew from his actions and lack of communication on the subject what was going on. Its been over 2 yrs now and I am just plain emotionally drained and can’t take this yo-yo emotional roller coaster any longer. After the weekend he came over to talk and cried about how ashamed he feels and lost about his life and the decisions he has and is making. I charged neutral…cuz I just plain don’t care about the outcome any longer. I am working on being his friend and supporting him to get counseling and the help he needs to find himself and the strength he needs to decide what he wants for his life and future. It’s been a long hard process to get to this point. So I learned that I don’t need him anymore…yes I would like to keep our family together but it is a nice want but no longer a need. That shifted my attitude to neutral and I feel it has shifted him too. He’s getting help to deal with this emotional hold she has on him and working toward ending it with her and we’ll see where that takes us. But I know now I will be okay with or without him in my/our life.
Charging neutral takes place when you refuse to play any games. You refuse to buy into the old patterns that created confusion, angst and destruction. This is often what is taught in marriage counseling.
In the case study below, note how charging neutral took away the “juice” that his spouse and the other person were obviously receiving from his participation in the triangle.
As well, the man, in attempting to deal with his cheating wife, rediscovered his personal power.
Case Study #2:
I have just had a recent conversation with my wife, and although she currently lives with another man we are trying to get through this infidelity after 24yrs. of marriage. She filed for Divorce soon after leaving and moving in with her new Lover. We are trying to settle our legal matters and I am informed by “him” that they are in Love, and plan to get engaged and marry as soon as they get the Divorce decree. Instead of ranting or raving or getting excited, I charged neutral and said” well that’s nice”, in a calm tone, maybe it will work for you. I felt a silence at the other end that I felt surprisingly seemed to empower me. I said “I let go of her” you can have her now. This seemed to take some of “his” power away, he didn’t know what to do with this because he thought being with my wife really bothered me so the more I fussed the more it powered him, so I’ve learned a new technique. When I spoke with her I said,”So we should finish up and sign the Divorce papers so you can move on and get married” in a calm confident tone. Again there was a moment of silence. It was although she was expecting something else, from me to make a big fuss about it…..and…I didn’t. So then she tried to tell me what a great sex life they have together, great sex every night!. I said, “that’s nice” good for you, maybe its what you needed. So to me this felt more empowering, by taking away their power over me, to think it would tear me apart and hurt me more, but I wouldn’t let that happen. So although this is a work in progress,”Charging Neutral” can be very powerful when used at the right time. It will be interesting to see how long a “re-bound” marriage can last without giving time to heal from a previous one. I like to view it as he will be marrying “Mrs. Sampsonite”, cause he’ll be carrying her baggage for a long time.
Charging neutral can be a powerful and empowering tool whether you know of the infidelity or only see signs of infidelity.
And, charging neutral is not a tool only used when facing infidelity or an extramarital affair. It can be used with tremendous benefits in all realms of life that tend to set us on edge.
Common advice given by family and friends to someone who recently discovered the infidelity and marital affair of his/her spouse is: “Throw him/her out. You don’t have to put up with that.”
However, experience indicates that indeed, those who discover infidelity, do put up with a great deal and continue to tolerate particular behaviors.
It IS difficult leaving one’s marriage. It is difficult confronting one’s spouse with the infidelity. It is difficult amidst the pain and anguish, and sense of betrayal to find the power and energy to begin ridding one’s life of the tolerations.
Here is a list of tolerations and what the cheated upon spouse often tolerates:
1. Anger and rage. Blame and criticism. I try to avoid it by not speaking to him, but I know it is there.
2. His provoking ways to get me to react angrily while he remains calm and seems to enjoy it.
3. Sly put downs, Jeckal and Hyde personality.
4. Emotionally distant. Does not reciprocate love, respect, or caring. 5. Game playing, Lies, passive controlling actions.
6. having to stay with the partner who committed adultery due to current financial obligations and constrictions.
7. though the affair came out and was acknowledged four months ago, I am putting up with his trivializing the impact of his decisions on our relationship.
8. Husband belittles me in front of people
9. Husband has little empathy
10. overall my husband is a narcissist but maintains that he will never cheat again and loves me. I do not see how this is love.
11.living together whilst going through divorce. s
12. He makes statements that makes me feel like he thinks poorly of me, like I am abrasive.
13. lack of availability and sensitivity to me.
14. being sneaky, I feel like cheating or heading that way is the only reason for him to be so “private” about his computer use
15. sex being 95% about him
16. letting him control me, doing everything myself so as not to displease him
17. tolerating statements that make me feel badly about my self.
18. Coming home late
19. Secrecy re phone calls and work dealings
20. Non truths
21. Emotional distance
22. Disregard for my circumstance
23. daily calls and emails to the OW
24. out-of-town business trips spent with OW
25. my mother-in-law allows my husband and OW to sleep in her house whenever he visits his Mom
25. OW shopping for my husband ( apparel, watches,etc)
26. His refusal to talk about the cheating.
27. Won’t prove what he is saying and doing. Know he’s lying but can’t prove it.
28. I want to confront but he turns everything I say around to where I’m wrong and gets angry.
29. Feeling stuck because I can’t afford to leave.
30. I have to tolerate seeing her in different social affairs, even though my husband said his personal communication at an intimate level stopped.
31. living on a roller coaster
33. not living life to fullest
34. keep my feelings inside
Awareness and calling attention to specific behaviors is often the first step of empowerment and initiating process of taking constructive action.