How You Tolerate and put up with less in facing infidelity
One tends to tolerate to put up with a great deal in facing infidelity. This often corresponds to fears and a sense of paralysis. Learn how you can tolerate and put up with less as you face and recover from infidelity.
You are receiving the Break Free From the Affair Newsletter per your double opt-in request. You may cancel or change email address at the bottom of the page. Wishing you the best.
Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
How to Stop Putting up With a Cheating Spouse – The Beginning
This is the second article in a series on “Stop Tolerating” as in “Why do I put up with a cheating spouse?”
In the first article we looked at why we tolerate and put up with so much.
Now, we begin to look at how we begin the process of putting up with less, or ridding our lives of tolerations.
Now it may be apparent to some, but my experience in working with thousands of individuals is that most of us don’t have a clue how much we tolerate. We put up with and tolerate so much in our lives that we become numb to those tolerations and don’t give them second thought. In reality we don’t know what it is that we tolerate or put up with.
So we begin by honing our awareness of what it is that we tolerate.
But first, a word of caution.
You may not be ready or will be able to benefit fully from this exercise.
If you have recently discovered the infidelity and are in the stage of shock, denial, numbness, rage, vicitimization, depression or utter sense of helplessness, this probably is not for you.
You must move beyond those feelings (and you will) before you begin clearing your life of tolerations.
If you are emerging from the shock and demoralization and are considering what you need to do to resolve the infidelity, listen up. This is a good place to begin.
I’m asking you to think about what you tolerate or put up with in your home and at your work – or another part of your life. Simple things, i.e. the mail piles up, kids leave shoes on the floor, etc.
Now this may seem very simple or silly. But, there is a reason for beginning to focus on your tolerations at this level. Here’s why:
1. This begins the process of shifting the focus away from him/her/them to your self and your self care. This is NECESSARY if you want to make progress dealing with the infidelity.
2. This shift will give you greater power to “charge neutral” a basic skill I teach to help change the flow of your relationship with your spouse.
3. This first step will increase your sense of control and empowerment. Yes, you need that!
4. You will play less and less with him/her the “game” that locks him/her into the affair and you in your misery and agony.
5. This is a vital beginning point if you hope to eventually strategize, depending on the kind of affair facing you, to resolve the infidelity and your relationship.
Do you see where this simple exercise might lead? I hope you do.
So, begin here: (Do NOT make references to the infidelity or the behavior of your spouse. That will come later. You probably lack the skills to face that effectively at this point).
Make a list of the top 5 things that you tolerate or put up with at home.
And, make a list of the top 5 things you tolerate outside the home.
Please share your list with me. I’m doing research and study so we can develop a top notch exercise that will benefit every one.
(copy and paste link below is browser if above link does not work)
Go to: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=
If you would like, begin to take action to eliminate those tolerations.
You may pleasantly discover that once you make this list, some of these tolerations begin to disappear. You automatically, through your first awareness of the situations, take the necessary steps to rid your life of those hassles.
Very cool! And, very freeing – and giving you a solid foundation and preparation to stop tolerating a cheating spouse.
How in the world will my partner and I restore the trust back into our relationship?
I recommend another resource to help you cope with infidelity.
One of my online colleagues, Dr. Frank Gunzburg, offers a wealth
of information that compliments Break Free From the Affair.
Dr. Gunzburg has done an amazing job of breaking down all
the steps that both the injured, the cheater and then the
couple need to go through if they want to heal their relationship.
He’s got 3 specific phases that he encourages his readers to go
through and you can start the program even if your spouse isn’t
You can read about Frank’s great material by using this link:
Please click for Frank’s great material