She Dropped the Cheating Spouse like a Hot Potato
Confronting the other person has various results. In this case study with a coaching client, Vicki confronts the other person, who immediately stops her affair with the cheating husband.
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She Dropped Him Like a Hot Potato and… Way to Go Vickie!
The first section below is input from a person who confronted the other person. I’m studying and researching the question of confronting the other person.
As you read these scenarios, take plenty of time to evaluate your situation. Remember… what you do, what you say must be based on the kind of affair facing you. What works for one affair may be disaster for another. Be smart. Don’t jump on the first suggestion that sounds good.
Should you confront the other person?
Good idea? Bad idea?
Check this one out and my comments following:
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
Purpose to get her to stop all contact with my husband and refuse his phone calls and emails. She was Chinese, half his age and he saw her on business trips to Asia (which he extended) and spoke to her almost every day over the internet. I found out they met in foreign cities when she was supposed to be on business for her company. I also found out that she told him she could never tell her father about him. I called her (got her phone number from his phone log) and told her that if she had any further contact with him I would call her boss and tell him that when he thought she was on business for him she was really meeting a western, married man twice her age(I found out the name of her company and the head of it) and that I would tell her father, too (this I could not do in reality). I DID NOT TELL MY HUSBAND THAT I DID THIS
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
She dropped him like a hot potato. I know he kept trying to contact her for awhile and finally gave up.
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
I would have done it sooner. I learned not to be passive, afraid or intimidated; to act strong and forceful even when you are scared inside, to project an image of confidence.
I suspect that he was engaged in an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair. The two of them (he and the other person) had, it appears, a relationship that would always maintain its emotional distance. Was he a player? Was she a player? Probably. This was a shrewd move on the spouse’s part to contact the other person.
Why? She knew that the other person feared what her father (authority figure) would think/do. And, of course this meant she might be petrified of her boss’s response.
I would be concerned that he might find another “emotionally distant” person to hook up with.
But, isn’t it good that the wife discovered some of her strength and power? I wonder what would happen if she told her husband exactly what she did and implied, “You better watch out. I’m not putting up with any more crap from you!”
Way to Go Vickie!
How do you effectively confront a cheating husband – so you get his attention and maintain your integrity and pride?
That’s what I attempt to teach in my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.
Easier said than done, obviously. But some really get it.
Vickie sent this note. I want to share it with you.
See? It can be done. And it is powerful!
What I did to “hold my head up” to myself and in front of the kids, was to say to my cheating spouse, “You are hurting me, so compensate by doing something to make me feel better. You can continue live at home if you spend the money you would have spent on rent on five special trips for me – one with each child. Also, my mood can change at any time and I may abruptly ask you to go to the downstairs room or I may leave to go work out.” He gladly agreed. Having been pursuing women for two years – but only recently finding the right one to have sex with, he has finally put an ending date of nine months for his “needed” activities. If there weren’t an ending date that I really believe in, I couldn’t make this deal work.
The foregoing just let’s me hold up my head during his current activities, but after he is finished, he still owes me for having put tears, disturbed sleep, and strain into our family life. He is open to anything I suggest.
PS: I have gathered so much knowledge and comfort from your web offerings (frequently in the middle of the night) as well as your book, the relevant parts of which I have started to read to my “proving desirability” husband.
You may put my story on your blog — with pride!