Charging neutral is a powerful tool in stopping the affair
Various strategies and tactics can be used to address the affair in a marriage and in some cases stop the affair dead in its tracks. A general tool and outlook helpful in stopping the affair is charging netural.
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Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
How to Start the Healing with Charging Neutral
I received a number of emails saying, “I don’t really get charging neutral. Tell me more. Give me more examples.
Let’s work on this…
A characteristic of the skill charging neutral is almost always “making the other person right.”
Ok, now take it easy. Make him/her right!!!??? Are you kidding me??
Hear me out.
In almost all cases of infidelity there are underling motives, unfinished business, levels of immaturity, questions about adequacy, a sense of lostness or lack of purpose or direction that triggers the act of infidelity. Infidelity is not a very healthy choice.
(The exception may be in the case of the sociopath – the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair – where one may run into one who is truly “evil” (if you want to use that word.)
“Making him/her right” means you develop the capacity emotionally disengage from your tendency to argue, blame, criticize, attack and form negative judgments about that person.
Give plenty of S P A C E and dig beneath the obvious. And, then hang on to your self as you truly take the risk of knowing this person.
Listen to his example of charging neutral and what happened:
My spouse told me many times that the low level of intimacy in our relationship made him insecure and he found some of the security with the op.
One of the reasons for the feeling of not connected with me that he mentioned was that he never really felt that we both truly knew each other.
Although I do not find it to be in any way a justification for cheating on me for two years (or longer), I thought it would be great to get to know each other a little bit better.
One evening we met up at a local restaurant. I asked if he would like to play a game (asking each other questions about our likes, dislikes and desires).
The game soon developed into a conversation about how he always desired to experience sexual freedom.
Have I not known that I need to charge neutral, this conversation would have ended up in me screaming at him or crying most possibly- both). I would get him all defensive and my goal (making him analyze himself with possibly reaching the realization of all the inconsistencies in his thought patterns) would be even further away.
Instead I remained calm and supportive. It was amazing to me how honest I could be, without him feeling rejected or judged. I did not praise him for anything, I was even able to tell him how I felt about the issue.
He actually felt more understood and relaxed after the conversation. He even shared with me that he realizes wanting things that are mutually exclusive (me and the sexual freedom).
We still have a long way to go, and the future is uncertain, however, if there is anything that makes me hope at all it would be the charging neutral skill.
I can imagine that using the neutral charge in communication would be one of the building blocks of a truly honest and loving relationship.
I thought I would add an article just placed on my blog, in case you have not signed up for my RSS Feed:
Where, when and how does the healing from infidelity begin?
That’s the question I ask:
1. Jot down a turning point between you and your partner that helped the two of you move in a positive direction. Tell the story, if you would.
We were trying to work things out. Being married 29 years, his affair was a shock. I threw up, prayed, hit the treadmill to feel alive, and lost 28 pounds. The turning point came when we took a trip to Lake Tahoe. We had a few drinks and everything poured out of both of us. If you are the one who cheated, please come clean with all the details he/she wants to know all at once. If you find things out every few weeks, such as where you went together, the hidden cell phone, etc., it’s like ripping the scab off every time and reliving the nightmare again and again. You go back to day one. The healing can’t begin until everything is out on the table for the sun to hit it. Don’t think you’re sparing our feelings because we look now for evidence and we WILL find out eventually. Be honest, transparent and know: it takes at least a year to not think about it every moment. Be patient because we will be moody. Also know, it’s worth it. You CAN have a better, stronger, loving marriage again. Both of you have to want it and do a lot of self examination. BTW, let go of the “what if’s”. Look forward, not back. (That’s the hard part)
Stop the agony of the affair! Find your strength and courage! Learn how to shake his/her world. Pinpoint the most powerful strategies to stop the affair. Learn exactly what to say and when to say it (according to one of the 7 different types of affairs). Get the highly acclaimed e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”
Both of you are committed (well, mostly) to rebuilding the relationship. Learn how to rebuild trust slowly but surely. Learn how to avoid the “swirl” and eliminate judgments and put downs. Move beyond need-meeting. Go beyond confrontation. Go beyond making amends. Create a relationship appropriate for new intimacy. Get Dr. Huizenga’s e-book: Marriage Makeover.
Learn how to feel human again. Discover that your pain in NORMAL. Listen to others – perhaps in a situation identical to yours – poignantly express their confusion and pain and then in a few minutes begin to feel their strength and power to face their future, with or without him/her. These 19 Live Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga will be your listening companion. You can take his words with you.
Be determined to learn as much as you can, to find your strength and courage to use new skills and and develop an outlook that will stop the affair and reshape my life and relationship to what I really want. Download all of Dr. Huizenga’s e-books, “Discovery to Recovery,” Can your Marriage be Saved?” “What will Happen Next?” “Should I Spy?” “Barriers to a Marriage Makeover,” as well as his full articles, Newsletter archive and more.
Must you talk through your problems? Some think them through. Talking through often leads to new strategies never previously considered. It increases your confidence and self esteem. Talking affirms that you really are OK, helps you move through the affair more quickly and begins the process of designing the life and relationships you truly desire. Contact Dr. Huizenga to set up coaching sessions that will rebuild YOU and keep you on the right track.