How to Overcome the Fear of Infidelity and An affair
Ways to cope with and overcome the fear that is at the root of infidelity and an affair in marriage.
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>>>>My fear is not being good enough and ultimately being abandoned. This was formed in early childhood when my father abandoned me and my sister. I remind myself daily that I am a beloved and blessed Child of God, the Father who will never desert or abandon me!
>>>>I believe that the biggest thing behind our fear is the fear of loss. Losing what we thought was there or what we know can be there if there was change.
>>>>Something that has happened too us early in life that has brought about a fear. Other fears.Once you can see what the first fear was then you can face that fear and go on. But you really have to know what it is that you want out of life to get it.
>>>>We are all innately afraid of change. In addition, we fear rejection. Our egos have a tough time accepting that someone we trusted and surrendered to has decided to turn against us. We are also scared to be alone and explore who we really are. It is much easier to let someone else define us.
>>>>In my case, I believe I am still fearful of something unknown but terrible happening if I do not do what i am told..a hold over from a strong but well-meaning mother. p.s. She died two years ago, I am a fifty seven year old, prosperous, successful mother of four daughters. But i still wake up in the middle of the night, worrying that I must have done something wrong, because I feel such anxiety..i just cannot pinpoint what exactly is wrong. My technique is to make a list of what it might be (that I have done wrong or left undone) and systematically do it.. Doesn’t work.
>>>>I have the fear of not finding anyone else who wants me. The fear of not being able to find anyone like my spouse.
The first thing we can do is debunk our fears. To debunk something is to expose the sham or falseness of it. The first thing to debunk about fear is it’s power over us.
Our fears are actually our signposts, pointing to our next steps, pointing the way to an experience of more love, joy and satisfaction.
Once we see them this way, they become much less unsettling and can even become something we look for! Something we learn to recognize as an aid, as a friend on journey toward more satisfying and fulfilling lives, including and especially in our relationships. We know instinctively that this is true about the fear that tells us not to touch a hot stove.
That sensation within us tells us that touching a hot stove will hurt. It moves us in the direction of less pain and more enjoyment, if we listen to it, trust it and follow its direction. Fear can do the same in our interpersonal lives as well, if we learn to listen to it, trust it and follow its direction.
One popular anachronym for fear is Feeling Excited And Ready. Another is False Evidence Appearing Real. I like both of these! Both make me want to explore further! That is the feeling we want to cultivate in our lives, the one that encourages us to want to know more!
The person having an affair is often caught in the swirl of indecision about whether to go or whether to stay. Do I choose to stay in my current relationship, or do I follow whatever this is that is pushing, pulling, moving me towards the other person? (Hmm. Note, that is the same swirl the “aggrieved party” is in.)
What is it that is behind this swirl? The swirl is the indecision we have chosen for ourselves. Should I go or should I stay? Wayne Dyer noted in one of his books years ago that the most stressful place to leave ourselves is on the fence of indecision.
The stress we bathe ourselves in by doing so is the most dangerous kind of stress, both emotionally and physically. This information is not meant to add to your stress, but to inform you. Actually you already know this. That is why indecision hurts so much. It is you telling yourself to make a change; to make a decision! it is telling you to get off the fence!
Often we tell ourselves and we believe that we cannot decide, or that we will decide later when this or that happens, or when we know which way to decide. That is circular thinking and of course only feeds the swirl. No one is doing that to us, not our parents, not our friends, not our spiritual teachers, not anyone but us. Why do we stay here if it hurts so much?
Often (always?) it is because we fear making a mistake, making the wrong choice. We believe that there is a wrong choice, and thus, a right one. We believe that we must wait until we know which is which to make a choice, to get off the fence.
Life is not that way, no matter what we have been taught about it. Life is about making choices. It is about making one choice after another. It is about choosing and then choosing again.
A wisdom from baseball is the truth that to become a great hitter, one must keep swinging the bat (thank you, Dad, for that one!) Sometimes we swing because we have planted our feet just right, we have a good grip on the bat, we have watched the signals from our coaches, the ball is coming in just right, and we go for it.
Sometimes we swing even when we don’t know why we did, but we do it anyway. Sometimes we find ourselves reaching way out of our “zone,” and going after an impossible pitch. Either way, sometimes we make contact with the ball and find ourselves running the bases trying to get home and score that run.
Either way, sometimes we miss the ball and find ourselves walking back to the dugout. Either way, to stay in the game of baseball, we must walk back up to the plate and keep facing those pitches. We must keep swinging the bat, whether things feel “right” or whether we just need to keep swinging. Life is about “Either way,” and “Sometimes.” Sometimes we get a hit, sometimes we miss the ball, but either way we must keep swinging.
Life is about choosing what we want in our lives and making choices in the direction of those goals. We have unlimited opportunity to choose, whether we choose to see things that way or not.
We always have the choice to see things that way, and then live according to that choice. Don’t choose to stay in the “on deck batting circle” forever.
The game cannot go on with you there indefinitely. Actually you can’t stay there forever. Someone will come along and ask YOU to leave, or the game will continue without you.
Don’t miss the game waiting to know when everything lines up just right. Choose to swing, and then choose to keep swinging, no matter what happens.
We create our lives with and through our choices. We are not powerless in life, nor are we at the whim of a completely random force that is waiting for us to screw up. We grow our power by trusting that it is possible for us to keep moving in the direction of our dreams, whether we miss the ball or whether we get a hit. There is always another “at bat.”
You Don’t Have to Go it Alone – Meet Chris!
You don’t have to go this alone. Going it alone increases your tendency to believe there is something wrong with you. You need the input of others in your situation to help you stick with the belief “Maybe I and my responses are normal!”
We have a chat room for you to get support and encouragement from others and to learn from others. I sincerely hope you will try it out. Go there. Look it over. Don’t feel compelled to participate, if you are not ready. If so inclined, welcome others who enter the room. The chat room offers private rooms and instant messages, which are optional. You need to register to enter. I provide this to discourage hackers and undesirable souls! You privacy is solidly protected. You can divulge what you wish about your situation or self. To ensure that a significant number of people are in the chat room at a given time, we set up a schedule whereby volunteer moderators will be present to welcome people and keep the room rolling.If you want to volunteer reply to this email with your first name and email address in the first line of the body. I will get in touch with you as we develop the room.
Hey, I want you to meet Chris. Chris is one of the newer Chat Room moderators. Here’s what Chris says about the chat room:As for the chat room, all I can say is a sincere “thank you” for giving us this space. Both my wife Cara and I frequent the room and have met some truly caring and wonderful people that we now count among our personal friends. Personally, I get a lot out of helping others and sharing our “success” story (success inasmuch as reconciling the marriage – there really isn’t an end to the work on the marriage itself though, is there?). Seeing new faces come in, hurting and unsure, and being able to relate what we’ve experienced and gone through just deepens my appreciation for what we have. Sometimes a story will recollect some unaddressed issue that needs work, and the load for us lightens just that much more. Sometimes an issue is debated and my attitudes and beliefs are challenged with new understanding. And sometimes things are just downright silly and the pressure flows away in laughter.
OK. Ready? Go here to login to the chat room.