The First Step in Surviving Infidelity
From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink
Dr. Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, here.
If you are like others, if you are normal, you are a Basket Case once you discover the infidelity in your marriage.
It feels devastating, does it not?
My experience in working clinically with thousands since 1981 tells me that only the death of a child is worse.
Your heart feels ripped out, you can you hardly breathe and you are tormented by ugly thoughts and images 24/7 because:
- You think you did something wrong
- You feel assaulted, i.e. raped
- You fear what you might lose
- You feel powerless, helpless
- You were blind-sided
- You feel extremely needy
When a Basket Case, You are Ineffective in Dealing with Your Cheating Spouse
You either wimp out in fear, try to appease or reactively accost him/her.
You most likely will try with fervor a few of the “12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics Most People use to Prolong the Affair and Guarantee Their Own Misery” I outline in the Appendix of my first book, “Break Free From the Affair.”
In reality you push your cheating partner and his/her lover closer together.
You are totally ineffective when it comes to stopping the affair or getting the kind of response you truly want from him/her.
Your Cheating Spouse WILL Shift from the OP (other person) to YOU When You Become Your Own Hero
Please know that as bad as it may feel and as hopeless as it may seem right now, the potential and opportunity for healing is just as great.
Yes, the infidelity, although a monumental crisis, offers you a new life and new relationship.
As I say, “Gold is refined through intense heat!”
You can become your own hero. You can take the steps that restore your confidence and personal power. Your friends and family will shake their heads in amazement as you weather this storm.
And, most importantly, there’s a great chance your cheating spouse’s jaw will drop and s/he will do some head scratching and fretting – shifting the focus away from the op (other person) onto you.
But…You MUST Take that First Step
You say, “Sounds good! But, how do I get there?’
I wrote my first ebook on infidelity “Break Free From the Affair” back in 2002 and it’s been a HUGE seller. All printed copies were soon sold out.
The core of the ebook is identifying the type of affair, (from 7 unique kinds,) employing a strategy that fits that type of affair and effectively using skills and tactics to influence and change the course of the infidelity.
Over the years I’ve received a ton of great feedback from readers.
And, it is extremely gratifying to read that for many the comfort, relief and confidence emerged almost immediately.
NOW it Makes Sense
Literally hundreds of readers responded something like this, “Now it makes sense. You describe exactly what’s happening. It’s amazing! It’s like you are a fly on our wall. It’s clear! I now know it’s not my problem!”
And THEN, and only THEN, did they tell me that they went ahead and were thrilled with the outcomes of the new strategies and tactics they used.
Why were their strategies and tactics effective?
Regaining the Calm, Confidence and Poise
After reading my material they were able to implement the strategies and tactics with calm, confidence, poise and determination. (They were able to clear the internal “noise” and use a skill I teach called, charging neutral.)
Many stopped immediately doing the “12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics Most People use to Prolong the Affair and Guarantee Their Own Misery” I warned them about and began employing the 7 Powerful Tactics to Break Free From the Affair. (outlined in the appendix of Break Free From the Affair.)
I feel clarity.I’m not subtly blaming myself or my shortcomings for my husband’s actions.I feel less ashamed. His actions say something about him, not me.I like how the ebook reinforces much of what I’ve experienced, particularly the 8 progressive paths to recovery. It is important to realize the paths aren’t necessary linear and in one direction. This is what is happening to me, joy one day, worry and doubt the next, back to hopeful and optimistic.
The 8 steps was an eye opener, I have been in all of the 1st 5 and hope to see myself in the last 3.
I feel less of a victim. I have made mistakes and have been blaming myself, but he could have chosen to do something about it other than go elsewhere.
You Must Unlearn the Garbage You are Subtly Taught About Infidelity
You see, I believe you were brainwashed about infidelity. And, this brainwashing stirs in you, upon encountering infidelity, tremendous pain, fear and feelings of inadequacy.
Want examples? Sure. Here are a few concepts that you and (your children) learn about infidelity through media, examples, family, friends, etc. over the years:
Relearning #1:
1. Infidelity means that one person has “fallen out of love” with his/her spouse and fell “in love” with someone else.
Wrong! Infidelity has nothing to do with love.
Relearning #2:
2. Infidelity means something was wrong or lacking in the marriage. (This bogus theory is espoused in much of the therapeutic community – of which I am a part.)
Wrong! What was lacking in your marriage (or you really!) had nothing to do with his/her decision to have an affair.
Relearning #3:
3. Infidelity is despicable and is to be roundly condemned.
Wrong: Infidelity is subtly encouraged in our society. (A survey indicated a high percentage of men envy Tiger Woods!) Why do you think grocery tabloids sell so well?
Relearning #4:
4. There must be something wrong with you that s/he strayed. You must be defective somehow. It is your problem.
Wrong! You are not the problem. S/he has the problem!
Relearning #4:
5. You are the victim and s/he is off having a great time.
Wrong! S/he, in reality, is the victim. “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – from basket case to making your cheating spouse blink” explains this reality.
My new e-book “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Spouse Blink” is exclusively devoted to debunking these myths and misunderstandings about infidelity.
This is not a simple process. Our beliefs about infidelity, our sexuality, marriage and relationships are deeply engrained.
Reshaping Your Thinking about Infidelity Restores Your Personal Power and Gives Effectiveness to Act I go to great lengths to reshape your thinking and understanding of infidelity.And, this is not a head trip. This is not an academic book. This is a practical, insightful, easy-to-read book that offers comfort and relief. It also contains stories and input from 122 people who, just like you, felt the devastation of infidelity and then began to make the shifts to break them free and impact powerfully and effectively their lives and relationships. And, that’s what I want for you – to find comfort and inner strength so you can get on EFFECTIVELY in confronting the infidelity in your relationship.And, once you begin to see infidelity for what it really is – an act of temporary insanity – you feel relief and are comforted.Then you move from being a Basket Case to doing exactly what you need to do to survive and then thrive through the infidelity experience.THEN you dig into the 7 types of affairs, plan your strategy and tactics and begin implementing with power, confidence and effectiveness. Here’s some of what you will learn in “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink:”
- The Origins of Basketcaseitis and How it Fades
- What You can Do for You that No one else Will
- The Stages in a Marriage and When it is Most Vulnerable to an Affair
- The Value of Thinking Small
- Decision Making
- Why it’s NOT Your Fault
- Stopping the Affair is NOT What You Think
- 8 Places Where you Jump into the Healing Stream
Top 10 Questions Most Ask When Confronted with Infidelity When slammed with infidelity, you have a torrent of questions running through your mind – common questions asked by many.In “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink” I’ve categories those questions and provide succinct answers that apply to most situations.Do you ask any of these:
How Long will the Pain Last?
Empowered. Different approaches, different perspectives. Don’t feel so paralyzed. I am not afraid anymore.it has helped me to understand the actions of my cheating spouse and I actually feel sorry for him. I am in a better position to work on restoring my marriage alone as a lot of the self searching questions i had asked myself were provided in the e-book about his i fell out of love..affair
I find that I am making sense of my confusion and my inability to stay in the moment.
Your materials have helped tremendously improve my pain-point of view.I an neutral now, no more devestating feeling,
I suppose because I lead quite an isolated existence the greatest benefit from all you info has just been reassurance that I’m handling things well and that the behavior of my spouse is not uncommon nor the personal experiences I’ve lived through
The direct and to the point advise is helpful!
I like that (your materials) are very straight forward, not just telling theories but actual examples and things to do.
The information has helped me realize we aren’t alone. It’s helped me understand the WHY’S of all the things that are happening. It’s also reinforced my gut feeling that it wasn’t ME but him but helped me in a more loving way say to him this is why!
The Questions you SHOULD Ask to move from Basket Case to Personal Power Because there is so much misinformation and underlying confusion about infidelity the questions you SHOULD be asking to get you on the right track are absent.To help you move, to help you find your comfort so you can pursue a direction, I’ve answered the top 10 questions you SHOULD ask in “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink:”
Learn from Others Who Have Survived (and thrived)The impetus to move from Basket Case to a Position of personal power and leverage is accelerated by knowing that others did it before.And, not only knowing that they did it, but HOW they did it.The faithful users (122 of them!) of my materials graciously consented to take time to tell their stories in “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink.” In short story form they tell of significant shifts that took place with themselves or with their spouse that lead to healing and change. These stories are worth their weight in gold.
I wanted information. I wanted both experiential and clinical information. All was validating–that my desire to know, my behaviors and feelings were all normal. I learned about well meaning counselors causing more damage than harm. I learned that there are recovery “maps” available which allow me a time frame so as not to feel that recovery is taking forever. Particularly, I found articles in Journal of Marital and Family Therapy quite helpful, although academic. I did learn that, in order to heal the couple must move from blame to understanding.
The first 4 weeks were awful,cannot not describe the emotional torture, just getting by was hurting.But somewhere inside of all us is the need to rise up in spite of what’s happened.Friends became a key factor,walking became a stress buster,I did not want any down time to think,to feel.Although its important to face your feelings,the first few weeks are about getting up and get moving,walking constantly was all I could do,i would walk and cry at the same time,eventually the crying stops,walking continues.Play your walkman, listen to upbeat music only,no sad songs.Talking to your friends.Family is good to,but too close to the situation.Keep active,productive,its amazing what it can do.I did not think so at first,but I needed something to do,somewhere to go,exercising/walking was it,plus friends,I drove them nuts talking to them.Ialso searched for answers as to why.thats how I came upon Dr Huizenga’s web site,the need to understand,it does not change the hurt but it gave me an insight into infidelity and I was not alone. People referred me to the phoenix rising and I did just that.It took allot but I survived,you can too.
When I found out that my husband had been having an affair for three years with a woman ten years younger that me, and I actually caught him with this person I was calm at first, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and did I want him to leave, I said ‘yes, will you live with her’ to which she replied ‘ no he will not’ so my senses tell me that he had lied to her about me. Anyway, I got very upset and I smacked him across the face and then I smacked her, which is out of character for me and I am ashamed that I did it. I filed for a divorce but he refused to sign the papers, he asked me to forgive him and as we had been married for thirty four years at the time and we had three lovely children and two lovely grand daughters I prayed about it and gave him a chance. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it has been the hardest thing I have had to do, when you forgive someone then you must put in the past what they have done to hurt you. Four years on we are getting along just fine, I still feel pain every now and again when I think of him with the other person but I don’t dwell on it, I push it out and get on with my life. My family helped me to survive this horrible time and also my will power, I am responsible for my own happiness and I do not depend on my husband to make me happy.
Take the First Step…I want you to take the first step.You need not be a Basket Case. You can find the comfort and relief you so desperately want and need beginning right now.And, once you feel that comfort flowing through your body, your mind will clear and you embark upon a new path of healing, restoration and intentional change. (And, s/he will notice!)I want you to order “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink right” now and embark on that path.And, when you get “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity – From Basket Case to Making Your Cheating Spouse Blink” you also get as a bonus: “21 Words, Phrases and Sentences to NEVER Say To Your Partner, Spouse or Lover”–
By Relationship Coaches Susie and Otto Collins
If you’re going to take the first
