Marital Infidelity, Cheating, Relationship Help and Other Articles

Infidelity: Should I Spy on Him/Her?

Upon the discovery of infidelity or the strong suspicion of infidelity in your marriage or relationship you may be driven by a strong strong and incessant desire to spy.

You want to know. And, you cannot get it from your partner or spouse. S/he is distant or closes like a clam when you even hint at subject of his/her infidelity.

You want to know all the details. You think day and dream at night of where s/he is, what s/he is doing and what they are doing.

You want to know what you face. You want to know the TRUTH, even though you strongly believe the truth may be exceedingly painful.

But, there are buts and sometimes strong reluctance to spy to either confirm the reality of the infidelity or the degree of infidelity.

I hear these questions:

  • If I spy, won’t the spying on his/her infidelity make matters worse?
  • Won’t s/he have his/her excuse (with the spying) to go and be with the op (other person)?
  • If s/he is angry now, won’t s/he be RAGEFUL if s/he discovers the spying?
  • How do I get the courage to spy? It’s so unlike me.
  • I never thought I would stoop to spying. Won’t it tarnish MY integrity?
  • How do I spy? And not get caught?
  • Does spying ever have a good outcome? Can it really help? Or am I just feeding my curiosity?

Legitimate Motives for Spying on His/Her Infidelity

Can spying be legitimate? Yes, I believe it can. Spying on his/her infidelity has it’s place.

However, before you look for permission for this activity, I want to warn you that you first must clearly think through this act of spying on infidelity.

Spying can backfire, especially if you use it for the wrong kind of affair. (I do not generally recommend spying for the “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair especially. Can trigger too much more hurt. I also do not usually recommend it for: “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair. The discovery of spying may merely exacerbate the drama and give him/her and the OP more reason to fall into each others’ arms. For more information on the 7 kinds of affairs I outline, check out my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”)

I do outline 7 different legitimate reasons for spying in a mini-book I wrote, where I expound on each reason in detail.


1. Spying on the infidelity may build trust. Seem odd? And you could be surprised as to how it builds trust and may be a vital step in saving your marriage, if handled properly.

2. Spying on the infidelity can keep you engaged with your spouse/partner.

3. Spying on the infidelity may be a tool to work toward resolution of your marriage or relationship.

4. Spying on the infidelity may protect you within the legal community.

5. Spying on the infidelity may protect your health in the instance of STDs.

6. Spying on the infidelity may relieve the tension. Relief!

7. Spying on the infidelity may “juice” your relationship.

Infidelity and Spying Demand Clear Thinking and not Reactivity

Please do not enter the realm of spying quickly or without forethought.

Not only do you need legitimate reasons for spying on the infidelity (you don’t want to flail around like a loose canon, reacting out of your pain and fear) but you must know in your heart that you can handle any outcome you discover and have a plan of action for each possible discovered scenario.

One more warning: Do NOT use spying as a tool for revenge.

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