From the Heart of a 16-year Old
By Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
When I’m coaching someone in the throes of infidelity, I usually ask if they have children, and if they do, how they are doing. It’s awfully easy as a parent struggling with infidelity to believe children don’t know or are doing ok.
However, often children do know. Or, if they lack specifics, they intuitively grasp the nature of the situation.
Enough said. Below are a couple e-mails I received from a 16 year old. His e-mails tore at my heart… a brave, thoughtful and obviously caring young man. This became apparent after he was able to rage.
Here’s his first short e-mail: (He inadvertently read one of my Newsletters to which his mother had subscribed.)
From the 16 year old young man:
Before you start reading this I want to make it clear. This is not (my mother.) This is her son. You want a f…… article? Here’s one. What the hell is a 16 year old supposed to do when he knows his father has had an affair, he knows his mother is spying on him, and not understanding why his mother would be so stupid to sign up to your newsletter on an e-mail the whole family uses.
I have no problem with you, you’re a man doing his job, but you have to stop sending your newsletter to this address. If my mother has any sense she’ll make an address at yahoo or hotmail, not one used daily by her son and occasionally her husband.
Before I leave maybe you could help me. What am I supposed to do in this situation?
I mean, should I talk to mother about it? Or my dad? Neither know that I know, and I want it to stay that way. But is that the right thing to do?
I know you get bombarded by e-mails and if you don’t reply I understand, but I have to unsubscribe (don’t worry I know how to.) I don’t want my Father knowing that his Wife is spying on him.
Thanks for taking the time to read this e-mail.
Here’s a second e-mail, after I responded to his first:
I’ll give you a little background info.
It’s been a long time since my father had the affair, I knew the woman, (my father is self employed and she worked for him) I had no problems with her. She was down to earth, friendly, and a great worker.
I never expected her to ruin my parents marriage. I guess what saved it was the fact that my father confessed to my mother. Not having her to find out. I always admired him, but I couldn’t believe what he had done (I found out through text massages on my fathers phone)
I was gutted, I mean, how the hell do you cope with that information mentally? You’re the first person I’ve told about this.
I thought it was gone and buried in the past, but seeing one or two e-mails brought back alot of anger. (I’m not a short tempered person, but I hate the thought of affairs. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends and never cheated once. I couldn’t, I hate the thought of cheaters, but I’m getting a little side tracked now.)
And I guess the way I got through it last time was to ignore it, to try come up with a mental explanation for what was on the texts. They could’ve been joking right? Wrong… I don’t feel mental anguish for myself, the only person I feel pain for is my mother.
I can’t understand how she copes physically or mentally. Just so you know, I’m not your typical teenager full of attitude, I care and respect my parents (at least my mother anyway) I talk to her frequently, and one line that really opened my eyes. (you see, we where talking about people leaving. My sister is gone to live and work with my aunt, and I soon will be going to College) She said that everybody is leaving her, I said that I’d visit as often as possible. And I said that you won’t be alone, you’ve got dad. What broke my heart to hear was her reply. She said ‘No he’ll leave me too…’
She thinks he’s going to leave her? Okay yeah an affair loses trust, but does she really think that he’ll leave? I mean I reassured her that he wouldn’t. But she said ‘you don’t know the half of it’. Irony is I do….
I’m rambling on.
If you got any questions, feel free to e-mail. I check my mail daily.
… Thanks for listening, it means a lot.
I Need Your Help… and will give you a gift
I’m asking for your help for a couple reasons. First, helping is therapeutic. Yes, it heals. It enables you to move beyond your own thoughts and pain to something else. Giving and helping generate positive feelings and a greater sense of well-being. I assume you want some of that now! :)
Secondly, I need your help.
Many of you, when faced with infidelity, have the “need to know.”
It can powerfully consume your thoughts and energy. And people often have ambivalence and many questions about spying. This is uncharted and usually frightening territory.
I’ve written some articles on spying attempting to give some guidance. They include: “Why Do I Need to Know?” “Why Doesn’t He/She Tell Me the Truth?” and “Should I Spy?” I’ve compiled these articles into a mini-ebook “The Need To Know.” If you would like a copy you may download it here. Your gift.No cost. It’s in pdf format (adobe reader.)
But, there is much more I would like to know about that experience. Would you consider sending an e-mail telling me your story?
Here are some questions to guide you:
- What are a couple ways that spying really helped you?
- Did you use any devices (software, tracking devices, etc.)? What specifically did you use? Were they helpful? easy? (I often get these questions, and I really have no clue of what works best.)
- For how long did you spy? Did the “need to know” lessen over time?
- Did you use the information to confront your partner? Did it work?
Get the idea? If you can, weave some of the answers into your story. I would appreciate it. click here (firstname.lastname@example.org) and start writing.
Of course, your confidentiality will be honored.
Thank you for your help!
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for one of the coaching packages.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.
How in the world will my partner and I restore the trust back into our relationship?
I recommend another resource to help you cope with infidelity. One of my online colleagues, Dr. Frank Gunzburg, offers a wealth of information that compliments Break Free From the Affair.
Dr. Gunzburg has done an amazing job of breaking down all
the steps that both the injured, the cheater and then the
couple need to go through if they want to heal their relationship.
He’s got 3 specific phases that he encourages his readers to go through and you can start the program even if your spouse isn’t willing.
You can read about Frank’s great material by using this link:
Please click for Frank’s great material.