Affair Article – Infidelity Quickie #7: Three Years and Counting

Infidelity Quickie #7: Three Years and Count

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Learn from this real life infidelity story focusing on trust.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of infidelity? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I spend more time by myself, thinking about myself. I do not trust my partner yet and it’s been three years after the infidelity. I think about my partner’s affair daily. I stay for my children’s sake.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

Continue spending time in reflection. Keep a journal about what you’re going through after your partner’s infidelity, if you like to write. Give some structure to your thinking, so you can see movement.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I’m trying to understand what happened.

I need some closure, and I would like us to work toward that so that it feels good (or better) for both of us.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

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