Infidelity Quickie #5: How Could She Do This?
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
Learn from these real life infidelity coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of infidelity? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:
I spend alot of the time thinking about how she could do this to our family. Going over the last 9 months and all of the events and arguments seems to get me no peace. She has filed for a divorce and I still cannot believe that she would tear apart not only my world but also our two daughter’s worlds also. I am low, depressed and wondering/hoping that this will end. It is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I live somewhere else and all I want to do is go home and make her happy but she doesn’t want me. It’s in God’s hands all I can do is worry about my kids. My wife of 13 years has left me for a fantasy!
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
- Spend time understanding the patterns of her infidelity. Break Free From the Affair will help you with that.
- Be gracious with the fact that you need to “understand” to achieve some peace.
- Allow yourself to feel the sadness.
Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
- I hope we can have some kind of resolution. I’m working hard to learn, understand and grow from this.
- It is important that we have some resolution, or at least come to some point soon where we can constructively talk about the care and welfare of our children.
What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.