Affair Newsletter – Dealing with Pain of Infidelity: You Are Not Alone

Dealing with Infidelity? You are not alone! Break Free From the Affair has helped thousands going through the pain of infidelity.

Please check out the question and answers below to see how others have transformed their lives using the tools provided in this powerful book.

How was your situation helped by reading Break Free From the Affair?

  • The “to do” and “not to do” lists at the back of the book are very practical and helpful. At a confusing time like this it’s good to have some very straight-forward info like this to apply.
  • Breaking the ice, it worked superbly.
  • Although I still don’t know exactly what to do, after reading the book at least I know what NOT to do when communicating with my wife. It also helped to realize I am not alone and that two of the affair types really speak to my situation. Charging neutral really seems to work when we communicate.
  • I have only had time to read part of the book, but it was really enlightening to have you say that it was not my fault-even though I do acknowledge my part in this mess.
  • That awful pain in my gut is starting to go away.
  • I was confronted with how poorly I was handling my situation. It was eye opening. It gave me more understanding to what’s happening/ or not happening in my spouse’s head and why. It gave me more confidence to move forward in life and not dwell on pain.
  • I’m still dealing with the discovery day being less than 2 weeks ago. I have the urge to work on personal strategies for personal improvement and trying to help my husband see the silver lining – we CAN save our marriage.
  • Helped me to understand the necessity of staying strong, positive and patient in working on my marriage.
  • I felt like I wasn’t crazy….I didn’t feel like I was a monster anymore..
  • So far, I’ve read the introduction and the appendices as suggested. I have learned to change some things I am doing and, surprisingly, found that I am doing things that seemed counterintuitive. Thanks!

Following is an archived copy of our Break Free From the Affair newsletter from May 14, 2008. In our newsletters we help thousands of individuals cope and heal after infidelity. 

Break Free From the Affair Newsletter Feature Article:

Extramarital Affairs: Their Sex is NOT always Hot!
by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach 

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those whom had the extramarital affair.

Both of them hugely regret the marital infidelity. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual encounters.

And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!

The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability. He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news – most of us at some level question our esteem – but for him, it was more intense.)

He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they “tried” to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.

The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. She was traumatized to the extent that she felt like it “wasn’t her.” She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I’m now working with her and her husband to “makeover” their relationship.

I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event. (Sex perhaps was on one level “good” – at least from their perspective – but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.

Please keep in mind that you may indeed be idealizing their sexual encounters.

Many of you have difficulty shaking thoughts and vivid images of your spouse having wall-banging sex with the other person. This is OK. It’s normal. Our culture sends a plethora of distorted messages concerning sex. One of them is: sex is “hot” when you are with your affair partner. Not true!

I hope this little quickie get’s your mind reality based.


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