Internet Cheating: Do You Hate Facebook?
by Dr. Robert Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
I know some of you have been burned by a spouse hooking up with someone on Facebook, or the internet in general.
Remember? The results of my survey on Emotional Infidelity revealed that about 10% of you (who face the “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair) indicated your spouse/partner first met the OP (other person) on the internet.
I guess the percentage would be higher for those facing the “I Can’t Say No” or “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” affairs. There are specific reasons for that, but I won’t go there now.
I just hung up talking to one of you and guess what? His spouse is obsessed with Facebook and has 3 guys “online” and the relationship with one is breaking big time boundaries and taking a deep toll on the marriage, parenting and family life.
And, would you believe it, my assistant, Katie, wandered into the chat room, somewhat curious, and low and behold a chatter was expressing her disdain for Facebook, the place where her husband met someone.
OK, why am I dwelling on this?
Well, hang on… I’m developing a Facebook group for you.
That’s right! Meeting online can be powerful, as some of you know all too well.
But, the internet is just a tool. That’s all it is. It can be used for good or for ill. You choose. Your spouse chooses.
I’ve been blown away again and again by glowing comments from those who use my chat room. It IS A PLACE OF HEALING and RESTORATION – and some fun and a few crazy times, as well, from what I hear.
If you use the chat room I invite you to use my brand spanking new facebook group as a place to connect more deeply with your friends.
If you haven’t used the chat room, you may be missing out on a hugely helpful place and group of caring people.
After you digest this newsletter, drop into chat room. You don’t have to do anything at first, just observe. Members are friendly and welcoming.
(There is no cost for the chat room or new Facebook group as well.)
But, back to Facebook.
My new Facebook group is your SAFE place to meet and interact with others coping with and moving beyond infidelity.
I have decided to make this a “closed” group. This means administrative approval is required for new members to join. Consider this your invitation to join the group. Basically, the group will be open to those who sign up for my newsletter-ecourses, attend the chat room and those who are your friends and referred by you.
Anyone can see the group information, but only the members will be able to see the following: the discussion board, the wall, photos and posted items. I have done this to ensure that all group members feel safe and can maintain as much privacy as possible.
This group is a tool for you. Let’s use it for our growth and feel-good feelings.
I want you to use it as a tool where you can affirm deep in your heart that you are not alone, a place where you hear others’ stories and think, “Oh yes, that’s me,” a place where you can ask questions and receive thoughtful, heart-felt answers and a place where you can embrace others as new found friends to whom you give and receive.
Intentionally connecting with others online can be a god-send. Take in these comments from those using the chat room. I asked the question: List 2-3 ways the Chat Room has played a significant part in your “recovery.” They said:
This room is a community and not a petty one…we’ve all walked in the fire and that changes us and makes us more whole. The caring was not just words but actions.
The chat room has given me a place to talk with others that have been there / done that. AS much as I hate that the others share the same pain, it is comforting to have people to talk with that can empathize, not just feel bad for me. It has given me the opportunity to bounce things off of people, to ask if I am overreacting and has also allowed me to vent when I really just needed to get it out.
After 3 years of having gone through the agony and depression I thought I had reached my recovery; I’ve been separated for all this time. Coming to the chat for the first time I realize what a great help it is to share experiences with other participants first hand. You also realize there is a world out there ready to help you and support you through the process.
Knowing I’m not going through this alone has been a great help. Suggestions have been very useful in my recovery. Sharing with others has helped me greatly.
Gave you someone to talk to who was going through the same thing. Others who had gone through it for years were the most helpful. It helped make you feel like you weren’t alone, and going crazy.
1. Talking to others helps to put things in perspective. Sadly, someone always has it worse than I do. 2. Speaking to others helps to get my thoughts organized, and after writing something, makes you see your own issues more clearly. 3. The friendships.
its a reality check and makes me see how I try to cover for my mate. the discussions make me feel like i am not alone
1) Just having someone to talk about it with….being able to say whatever u wanted.
2) Everybody is so supportive and outspoken but really do try to be kind. 3)Just knowing they were/are there….is just so wonderful…hate to burden other ppl. with my insecurities
Are you ready? Sure you are! You want to meet Karen, don’t you? Karen is my first member, who joined soon after the group went live last week. Read about Karen.
Wander through the page, becoming familiar with what you can do.
By all means, feel free to join the group. Click the join button in the top right corner. Don’t allow yourself to wallow. Jump out there and move ahead.
Here’s the link to the Infidelity Support Group Page: (read instructions below before clicking link…)
(copy and paste into your browser if the link above does not work here)
Instructions once you click the above link:
1. If you have a facebook account, enter your username and password. Click and you go to the Infidelity Support Group page. In the top right corner click the url that enables you to join.
2. If you do not have a facebook account, click the green button that enables you sign up. It’s easy. Then enter the Infidelity Support Group intro page with your new username and password. Sign up with the link in the upper right hand corner.
Resources from Dr. Huizenga
Stop the agony of the affair! Find your strength and courage! Learn how to shake his/her world. Pinpoint the most powerful strategies to stop the affair. Learn exactly what to say and when to say it (according to one of the 7 different types of affairs). Get the highly acclaimed e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”
Both of you are committed (well, mostly) to rebuilding the relationship. Learn how to rebuild trust slowly but surely. Learn how to avoid the “swirl” and eliminate judgments and put downs. Move beyond need-meeting. Go beyond confrontation. Go beyond making amends. Create a relationship appropriate for new intimacy. Get Dr. Huizenga’s e-book: Marriage Makeover.
Learn how to feel human again. Discover that your pain in NORMAL. Listen to others – perhaps in a situation identical to yours – poignantly express their confusion and pain and then in a few minutes begin to feel their strength and power to face their future, with or without him/her. These 19 Live Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga will be your listening companion. You can take his words with you.
Be determined to learn as much as you can, to find your strength and courage to use new skills and and develop an outlook that will stop the affair and reshape my life and relationship to what I really want. Download all of Dr. Huizenga’s e-books, “Discovery to Recovery,” Can your Marriage be Saved?” “What will Happen Next?” “Should I Spy?” “Barriers to a Marriage Makeover,” as well as his full articles, Newsletter archive and more.
Must you talk through your problems? Some think them through. Talking through often leads to new strategies never previously considered. It increases your confidence and self esteem. Talking affirms that you really are OK, helps you move through the affair more quickly and begins the process of designing the life and relationships you truly desire. Contact Dr. Huizenga to set up coaching sessions that will rebuild YOU and keep you on the right track.
Should you Stay or Should you Go?
Are you wondering what you should do? Stay? Go? Ask him/her to Go? There is often a “knee-jerk” response when confronted with the extramarital affair. Feelings of hurt, anger, rage, sadness, disbelief predominate.
“Should You Stay or Should You Go?” is an “action book” filled with hundreds of questions, stories and insights that will help you consciously determine whether to stay in your present relationship or to move on.
In this book we take you through a powerful process of discovery about yourself, your partner and your relationship. By going through this process, the decision about what’s best for you actually reveals itself to you. Click on the link above for more information.