Infidelity Quickie: Surviving Infidelity and What to Say: The Laser Phrase
You discover what you thought you would never discover: your spouse, best friend, fellow parent and bed partner is having an extramarital affair.
Are you tongue-tied?
Or, do you give tongue-lashings?
Those who sign up for one of my coaching packages often suffer from one or the other, or they alternate between being tongue-tied one moment and hand out a tongue-lashing the next.
You are frozen with pain and fear. Fearful that what you might say will drive a deeper wedge and him/her to the OP (other person). Or, you don’t know what to say because your mush-like mind is swollen with confusion. And, so you say nothing.
Or, Your pain, hurt or rage is so great there is no containment. It comes out. It spews out. In desperation you flail, hoping something will hit the mark and create sanity, will somehow drive things back to what they predictably were.
People often find my coaching helpful because we fashion together “words to say” that slice the silence or quell the clamor. We come up with what I call Laser Phrases. Laser Phrases:
1. Are short and to the point. They cut down the verbiage and yet say something that is heard.
2. Speak the truth concisely. They cut to the core of what a person REALLY wants to say. This truth is spoken without rancor or judgment. It comes from the heart. It comes from the “higher” self. It penetrates and gives plenty of room for reflection.
3. Are specific to the kind of affair. For example, saying “I’m here for you” is appropriate for the affair, “I need to prove my desirability” and totally unhelpful for “I don’t want to say no.” Likewise, “I’m glad I’m not in your shoes” could be powerfully effective for “I don’t want to say no” and prove a setback for “I need to prove my desirability.”
4. Are spoken with body language, tone of voice, posture, etc. that uses “charging neutral,” one of the tools and skills I teach in my ebook. One speaks not as a wimp nor as a tyrant. One conveys the phrase in a way that communicates “You must deal with me.”
Here’s a coaching client who discovered her husband’s affair. He ended the affair and suffers from extreme guilt. She is feeling the betrayal and devastation and has hundreds of questions and wants to talk. He will respond often but at times she sees him staring into space. You can image what she thinks he might be thinking, which triggers floods of feelings and thoughts.
We are rehearsing how she might handle this situation. For example, she might try making a comment, gentle but direct: “I wonder where you just went to?” with perhaps a smile on her face. Or, “are you aware that you are distancing, or is it just me? “Is there anything I can do that will help you come back here?
Again, these possible Laser Phrases fit well the context of their extramarital affair.
Please understand that Laser Phrasing is easier said than done. It takes self awareness. It takes an understanding of the kind of affair that faces you. It takes rehearsal. It takes self acceptance.
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A “Must Have” to Compliment Break Free
I recommend another resource to help you cope with infidelity. One of my online colleagues, Dr. Frank Gunzburg, offers a wealth of information that compliments Break Free From the Affair.
Dr. Gunzburg has done an amazing job of breaking down all
the steps that both the injured, the cheater and then the
couple need to go through if they want to heal their relationship.
He’s got 3 specific phases that he encourages his readers to go through and you can start the program even if your spouse isn’t willing.
You can read about Frank’s great material by using this link:
Please click for Frank’s great material.
Accelerate your Healing and Marriage Saving
If you want to move more quickly through your pain and mend your self and your marriage, sign up for one of our coaching packages.
Unhook yourself from the blind spots and move ahead not around in circles. Jen and I will support you, encourage you, love you and help plan a way to break free.
You might want to hurry, because when the new E-book, “Infidelity Recovery – Marriage Makeover” comes out, the coaching prices will go up.
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over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
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