1. Infidelity – Day of Discovery: How to “Hold” your Feelings
Ouch! No, it’s more than an ouch, isn’t it? How about a huge punch in the stomach? How about ripping your heart out? How about a menagerie of crazy unending thoughts that defy sleep or anything else you propose for that matter?
Infidelity stabs you over and over, at least initially.
Allow me to present one way, just one way, to begin to get a “hold” your feelings.
Notice I didn’t say “get rid” of your awful feelings. Often, the more we insist upon them “going away” the more they seem to persist. After all, your feelings have concerns and fears that MUST be addressed. But, you want to address them on YOUR timetable and in in way that will honor you.
The key word is: control. You want to control yourself, your thinking and your feelings as you move through this agonizing process. At the same time you do not want to “control” to the extent that you deny, avoid or minimize what it is that you must look at and address in your situation.
I often suggest this technique.
1. Get a kitchen timer or stop watch of some kind, notebook and pencil.
2. When the feelings/thoughts are most intense, find a place where you can be alone (lock the bathroom door, if need be). Set the timer/watch for 2 minutes.
3. Write down everything that you are thinking/feeling uncensored. Let it come. Let it flow. Don’t worry about what you write. You can shred/burn it immediately after writing. Just notice the thoughts that rumble through your mind. Write them down. Notice the feelings and specifically where they are located in your body. Write them down.
4. When the timer goes off, say to yourself, “OK, it’s time to put you (feelings/thoughts) aside for the time being. I have other responsibilities. I will come back to you later.” This process develops and calls attention to a “part of you” that can stand back and monitor (control in a healthy manner) the process. You also treat your feelings and thoughts with respect and acknowledge their legitimacy.
5. When the thoughts and feelings begin to emerge again, maybe minutes or 2, 4 hours later, follow the same process.
Give it a try.
This is often helpful for those who like to write, or express themselves best through the written word. And, it seems to be most helpful for those who tend to be reflective in nature.
If this doesn’t work for you, don’t worry. It may not fit your style of how you cope with intense feelings/thoughts. Other techniques are available for you.
Over time, as you address your feelings, their intensity will fade and they will express themselves less frequently. “They” do want to know that they will not be ignored and that you, in some fashion, will attend to “them.”
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
2.Simple Powerful Technique to Grab Hold of Your Feelings/Thoughts
A few years ago, like the early 80s, I began my training in Marriage and Family Therapy. NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) was coming on the scene and delving into its training, I found it to be a very elegant and powerful tool to elicit change.
Finally, I found someone online who offers NLP material to help people bring about change. If you are struggling with intense feelings or recurring thoughts, give the exercise below a try.
I want to introduce you to Colin G. Smith, who wrote this article. The link at the bottom will send you to Colin’s site where you can learn more. Please do so.
“A Surefire Way To Manage Your Fears While Leading A Happier, Healthier Life”
© Colin G Smith – All Rights reserved
Imagine discovering a way to get rid of your fears in a quick and painless manner. In fact it can even become fun! Did you know only two of all the fears you have are innate: The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Most of your fears were learned in early childhood and then in later life under stressful conditions.
Traditional therapeutic approaches would probably have you trying to figure out where your fear originally came from. Maybe they’d have you digging around in your childhood memories, recalling times you ate the next-door neighbors purple Tulips. This type of approach tends to associate the client into reliving unpleasantness and can take a long time to achieve useful results. Personally I think this style is way out of date and bordering on torture.
You’ll probably be glad to know we’re not going to be doing anything like that. The truth is you can easily and quickly undo the learnings that created specific fears and change your responses to something much more useful.
So just how do fearful feelings occur then? Well lets use a common example: Fred wants a raise and he’s been wanting to ask his boss for months. Finally he decides to go and ask. BUT when he starts the walk down the corridor he starts to feel certain sensations in his body. Weird stomach feelings. His breathing is constricted. Slight sweating on parts of his body. His vision is effected. Fred decides to turn back and then sits down feeling slightly annoyed with himself.
His body started producing ‘fear chemicals.’ What happened? “Well it was because he defied his Dad one time when he was four. Let’s explore those forgotten memories….”
NO! NO! NO! Let’s do something much smarter and definitely more fun.
Hey Fred come over here I want to show you something really cool! O’ come on, pick your lip up.
You know how before you got up to go and ask the boss for a raise, you felt OK right? So between the time you got up and started walking something happened. Something triggered those feelings in you. Here’s a fact for you: You either made a picture in your head or talked to yourself in a way that created those fearful sensations and that happened at an unconscious level out of your awareness.
“OK Colin that might be true but so what, what’s your point?”
Well the point is by changing the internal sounds, pictures and voices in your head you can begin to gain control of your emotions.
“Fair enough but how can I do that so when I’m in a similar situation I automatically make useful pictures, sounds and voices in my head so I remain in a resourceful state?”
Good question, here’s just one way you can achieve the results you want using a simple and powerful tool from the field of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)
Soothing Movie Music
1.Think of a situation where you feel fear.
2.Dissociate: See yourself in the situation like you would a movie with you in it.
3.Imagine running the memory from the END of the fearful situation, BACKWARDS to the START. Do this very fast in less then 1 second!
4.Think of some music that makes you feel the opposite of fear. For example soothing classical music makes you feel relaxed. Perhaps certain rock or dance music makes you feel energized/courageous etc.
5.Now hear the music, nice and loud, inside your mind whilst looking at yourself going through the situation from START to END.
6.Break state. Now think of the situation you choose in Step 1 and notice how your fearful feelings have diminished.
7.What will you see or hear just before you want this new
feeling to set in?
Colin G Smith is a licensed Master Practitioner of Neuro- Linguistic Programming (NLP) and author of ‘The NLP ToolBox’, a personal development book that enables the reader to master any area of their life with amazing speed. Complete information on Colin G Smith’s books are available at his website, including a FREE personal development eBook.
3. Relationship Site – AboutRelationship.com
Bad relationships hurt…and we wish we could live without them.
Like it or not, love and marriage relationships are part of our lives. You can’t live without them.
Understand more about handling relationships in order to achieve a great life.
Build a great relationship at http://www.AboutRelationship.com.
4. Need to talk to someone?
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for a coaching package.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
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