1. He Won’t Stop Seeing the OP: Says I Need “Patience”
My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?
Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.
For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.
Affairs also lollygag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.
So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.
So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:
1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”
2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)
3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.
4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”
5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.
6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.
Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.
2. 8 Thorough Steps to Break Free from a Sexless Marriage
Has the lack of good sex, or any sex been a long standing problem in your relationship? Have you suffered, sometimes loudly other times in silence, for a long time? Is the frustration at the tip of your life or have you shut down…but don’t really want to?
Perhaps you are at a place where you can and want to not merely look at the lack of good sex in your life and relationship, but do something about it. (If the extramarital affair is fresh and your feelings are powerfully controlling you, I suggest you hold off on this resource until you move beyond the feelings – which you will do!
So…if you are ready to tackle the sexual issues, I have a colleague and best friend, Dr. Andy Atwood, who has developed special resources for this very problem. Andy is a master of creating and providing models for people to make shifts and reorient their lives. His models are thorough and come from his vast experience and research as a therapist for the past 3 decades.
Expect this from his 8 Step Program to Get Unstuck from a Sexless Marriage:
•coach you to create 7 specific visions of a strong and healthy relationship.
•You will move from being negatively focused, to being positively focused, and that will make a huge difference
•5 different areas where individuals and couples can get stuck. 5, not just the one the press talks about.
•10 Life-Sucking Emotional Symptoms.
•know where you are stuck and how severely you are stuck.
•a 55-page eCourse that has been developed specifically to help you to get to know yourself better, and be yourself more fully. (He is an expert in the use of the Myers Briggs profile).
•Sex is often blunted by the inability to deal with conflict. Learn how to Argue With Yourself, and How to Argue With Your Partner
•A list of 14 Really Silly and Foolish Steps you DON’T WANT TO TAKE!
Click here to get this extraordinary tool.
3. How to talk to me
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for one of my coaching packages.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.