Discovering the Reasons and Purpose for confronting the other person

Confronting the other person, whether you are confronting the other woman or other man is dealt with by Dr. Huizenga’s readers in this article. Questions are raised, i.e. why? What was the purpose? What was the outcome?

---

Touchy…. Confronting the Other Person

I’ve been surprised.

I wrote an article on confronting the other person and I asked you to respond to a survey about your experience.

A large number of you did and I was somewhat surprised. Of those who responded most reported a fairly positive outcome. Maybe it wasn’t a positive experience, but most seemed to be satisfied with the results.

I’m studying your responses, drawing some conclusions and will probably put together a report, giving some guidelines as to when and under what circumstances it seems best to confront the other person.

Thanks for your tremendous input!

Here are three of your responses:

Helped bring closure.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

To bring closure for me and in a way i had hoped that she would reply with remorse and apologies. I e-mailed her as it made it less personal. I let my husband read the letter before I sent it and we both agreed for it to be sent.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was incredibly sorry and apologetic. I got the feeling that she meant everything she said and her words and apologies were very heart-felt.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would do it just the same. For me the outcome was very conclusive. There were absolutely no harsh words from either of us and in a strange way i felt an amazing connection with her after our correspondence.

Coach’s comment:

I would guess this would be an “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair or perhaps, “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy.”

Note the lack of drama. Or perhaps there was drama, but all parties were able to stand back, make some shifts and growth and moved through their neediness. What do you think?

Also note the mutual agreement by both spouses to send the letter. Sounds like they were both on the same page – which takes away much of the game playing.

Scenario #2:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

the only purpose was trying to identify that other person. I knew that something was going on but did not know who that person was. I discovered her email address so I opened a new account and sent her a letter telling her that I knew everything about their relation

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

She was very angry, sent him an email telling him about my mail, calling him coward and things like that…He never told me anything and they followed on with their affair without me even knowing her name. Much later I knew that she was his assistant (secretary)

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would hire a detective. It is safer and faster. I learned that in some cases time really counts and I exposed myself without knowing her intentions or how she or he could react to my letter.

Coach’s comment:

The need to know is very strong sometimes. Some truly need to know. They want to face the problem. They want and need a head-on confrontation.

Others prefer not to look, to avoid and diminish what their intuition is telling them.

We don’t know the long range outcome of her intervention. It appears the others went underground in some fashion.

I would guess that she is facing an “I Don’t want to Say No” affair.

Reason: “I Don’t want to Say No” implies an imbalance of power or collusion of power. He feels entitlement in his position of power (boss-secretary) and she seemingly – from her perspective – merges into that power and shares it.

The wife seems to be on track. Often, action and not words are most effective with “I Don’t Want to Say NO.”

Scenario #3: Can’t help myself, can’t stand the pain

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I wanted to meet her, to see what this person looked and acted like who my husband was so in love with. Not having a face to go with her name was very frustrating for me. I also wanted to tell her in person that my children knew about her and how hurt they all were and she should exit our lives asap. This was after calling her a couple of times and emailing her maybe 3 times over the course of months, Nothing changed. I got word that she was flying into the country and wanted to plan to meet my husband. I took this opportunity to go to the airport and confront her.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

I talked my way through security and went to her boarding gate where I had her paged. I know! Sounds crazy. She thought it was my husband and was horrified to see me. I said hello- I thought it was time we had a little chat. She wouldn’t say anything but “Talk to your husband, it’s a two way street.” I got so frustrated that I embarrassed her in front of her fellow passengers by saying some choice words. She ran away, I left. I then warned those two that if it didn’t end I would call her place of business and tell them about her, which I eventually did. Only because he wouldn’t get out and kept promising it was over. It never was.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Although my husband called me evil for doing all that, I would do it again. Now, I don’t care but at the time I was so embroiled in the pain and jealousy that I had to act. This was only after being patient for months and trying to understand. But when two people have this secret life, I felt so alone and excluded. I was obsessed! Although I tried not to be.. The most difficult thing I ever went through. I eventually filed for divorce. He is no longer with her but I know he still loves her. She thinks I nearly ruined her life and will have nothing to do with him because who knows what I am capable of. So maybe it worked. I know she is a sweet person but 20 years younger than my husband, we have 5 children and I thought it was so wrong of her to get involved-it broke up my family. Of course, I know it is really him who should get the blame. Me, too, to some degree. But that is another story.

Coach’s comment:

This story strikes me as sad. Very sad.

It is an awful feeling to stuff, hold inside, wait, think, ruminate until you get to the point where you sense the explosion coming.

Life seems very restricted, feeling there are only two options; be quiet, patient or explode. As she said, this is extremely difficult to manage.

Oh, to have more options. Oh, to see the gray areas and enter them, maybe with confusion, but to enter them at least, not sure of the outcome, but hoping for something new and fresh.