Sexual Addiction – Creation of a Secret Life
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Do you think your partner is sexually addicted?
How would you know?
What is the difference between normal anxiety about sex (hey, how can you NOT have any anxiety about it) and emotional distance characteristic of early sexual addiction?
Do you think your partner has a “secret life” where s/he lives out his/her sexual side?
Yes, addictions are POWERFUL. They can grab someone, squeeze out the life and leave a shell of a person.
And, they leave a wake of destruction for family, friends and for most whose life touches the addiction.
There are three kinds of infidelity (out of the seven that I outline in “Break Free From The Affair”) that have at their core strong addictive tendencies.
The person who says, “I Don’t Want to Say NO” (affair # 3) is grabbed by power. Infidelity is a matter of conquest, of winning, of entitlement. Rules don’t apply to him/her. Others are objects to be used for personal aggrandizement.
The person who says, “I fell out of love…and just love being in love” (affair #4) is guided and compelled to capture “that loving feeling.” Attainment of that “emotional high” takes front and center. Others or relationships exist to give him/her that “loving feeling.”
And, the person who says (rarely does says this, but does act it out): “I Can’t Say No,” is grabbed and controlled by his/her preoccupation with sex. This preoccupation may take different forms and those forms may alter and intensify over time.
If you haven’t read Break Free From the Affair, you can order it here. Or, click here to learn more about the e-book.
Right now we focus on addiction as it is expressed in the “I Can’t Say No” kind of affair.
I know more about addictions than the average professional, but I’m not an expert.
So, I invited Mr. Randy Flood, an expert in sexual addiction to share his knowledge with you. Randy heads the Men’s Resource Center in Grand Rapids, Michigan and has treated hundreds of men struggling with domestic issues and sexual addiction.
I taped an interview with Randy where I fired questions and picked his brain.
In the 45 minute interview these were a few of the questions I directed to Randy:
- What are the early and late characteristics of sexual addiction?
- Does sexual addiction include face-to-face “emotional” infidelity or is it relegated mainly to sexual encounters, chat room “romance”, pornography, phone sex and the like?
- When will the partner of a person addicted to sex be most tested?
- What patterns and cycles can s/he expect?
- What are typical characteristics of the partner of a sexually addicted person?
- What can the partner expect to experience about him/herself?
- What can the partner do in the early stages?
- What can the partner do in the later stages?
- What are the critical decision points for the partner?
- When is the relationship worth saving?
- When is it best for the partner to pull the plug on the relationship?
- What are the crucial resources for sexual addiction?
When sex (or lack thereof) is a problem in your relationship
Since the major theme of this edition is sex (sexual addiction) I want you to look carefully at the following resource. This is great material, extensive exhaustive material, by my colleague and friend, Dr. Andy Atwood. I love this guy. He is a constant learner and prolific developer of great content.
His site offers a pile of free stuff. At a minimum, take advantage. Learn. Grow. Expand. Move ahead.
Has the lack of good sex, or any sex been a long standing problem in your relationship?
Perhaps you are at a place where you can and want to not merely look at the lack of good sex in your life and relationship, but do something about it. (If the extramarital affair is fresh and your feelings are powerfully controlling you, I suggest you hold off on this resource until you move beyond the feelings – which you will do!)
So…if you are ready to tackle the sexual issues, I have a colleague and best friend, Dr. Andy Atwood, who has developed special resources for this very problem. His models are thorough and come from his vast experience and research as a therapist for the past 3 decades.
Click here to get this extraordinary tool.
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