And, the reality is: It IS his/her problem.

The affair or infidelity is his/her problem – his/her attempt to somehow fill a “hole,” fill a void, meet some intense long-suffering personal need or undo some theme or pattern in his/her life that has been haunting him/her long before s/he met you.

And you can say…”Sure, how do I know that? Or, “That’s easy for you to say!”

It does take some understanding of the complexity of the affair or infidelity to come to the conclusion that it IS his/her problem. After all you have been so invested in him/her, your lives entangled with one another, with the children, with your work, with your activities that it’s difficult to believe that you had nothing to do with his/her choice to pursue an affair.

As well, the affair triggers in you, your points of vulnerability, your unresolved patterns that go way back, your doubts and fears about your adequacy, sexually and in other ways.

So, it is difficult to disentangle and see an affair with clarity and for what it truly is.

I’ve been thinking long and hard recently about the impact of my materials and why people contact me frequently thanking me for the relief they experience with my information.

I think I present a practical, in-depth look at the complexity, patterns and nuances of infidelity that is not found elsewhere.

Let me give you an example:

I list 7 types of affairs, each unique, each with underlying patterns.

And for each affair I attempt to present the motives one might have for engaging in that type of affair.

To get at the motives, I list the personal characteristics of a person who most likely would pursue that type of affair.

Let’s look at the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.

My research and clinical experience allowed me to come to the conclusion that such a person typically expressed these characteristics:

• At one time was clingy and fairly passive in the marriage
• Does not want to take responsibility for his/her behavior
• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star
• May have bouts of sadness and dejection
• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate and weak
Reluctant and seemingly incapable of expressing own desires wants, needs, ideas (doesn’t know what they are)
• Can be very generous and has difficulty saying no
• May be naive or Polly Anna like
• More passive, does not like competition
• May be closely attached to parents
• May be overprotected by parents
• May typically express put-downs about self
• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough
• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated

Now there are solid psychological reasons for coming to these conclusions. I won’t bore you with those details.

Suffice it to say that many when coming across this list (and I have a list for all 7 types of affairs) breath a sigh of relief and say… “That’s him/her!”

And, they are off… feeling better and beginning to chart a very specific well designed plan that will alter the course of the affair.

Is this article helpful? Does it stir some thoughts? comments? If so, go to my blog (https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog) and click the comment link at the bottom of the article.

Also, would you do me a favor? (And, I will return the favor with a stupendous gift!)

At the bottom of the article on my blog are little icons that say Del.icio.us, Digg, Furl, and Reddit. These are social bookmarking sites.

When you click one of those you set up an account (if you don’t have one… real easy to do) and follow the instructions to bookmark my blog page with the article. You may bookmark the other article on my blog as well.

By bookmarking my page(s) you help with my rankings and will bring more visitors to my site.

Once you’ve left your comment and have bookmarked the page(s), drop me an email ([email protected]) and I will send you a gift.

You will receive the Personal Foundation Program. This Program has been used literally by thousands and probably millions by now to redesign their lives. It cost me big money to buy the rights to secure permission to give to you this program. You cannot buy it in a store, online, anywhere, that I know of.

I’ve used it over the past 10 years and it has changed my life.

It’s extensive (you can easily spend a couple years on the exercises) is practical (workbook format) and covers any area you want to work on in your life.

It’s in a pdf download format that you can save, print out, etc.

Again, send me an email telling me you have left a comment and bookmarked my pages and I will give you a download link.

I appreciate your help! Bob

Dr. Robert Huizenga
Coaching

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