trust – Break Free from the Affair

Build Trust in Your Relationship: What To Do

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:00:36 +0000

What can you do to help develop and build trust in your marriage?

There are many ways that you can build trust in your relationship. Here are just a few simple tips you can do:

1. Be consistent in your actions, words, and behavior towards your partner. The trust in your relationship deepens as you and your partner get to know each other better, and your partner’s ability to anticipate or expect how you will act or react to certain things will be one of the things that he or she will come to depend on.

2. Let your partner know of any changes that you are going through. Making changes in your personal life out of the blue and without your partner’s knowledge is usually seen as something to be suspicious of. Your partner may tend to doubt why those changes are happening without his or her knowledge.

3. Make sure that your actions are saying the same message as your words. Your partner will always know when you are just pretending to be interested in something and when you really are. And he or she will always be able to read what you really want from your actions even if your words are saying different.

4. Do not doubt your partner’s capacity to handle whatever issues you may have about him or her, or your relationship. Doubt and skepticism does not build trust. Keeping these issues from your partner and pretending that they don’t bother you will only put a strain in your relationship and your goal of avoiding conflict will most likely backfire.

5. Be very cautious about keeping secrets from your partner. Secrets have a way of destroying trust, and most of the time, it’s the little ones that you think won’t really matter that does it. So if you are thinking of keeping something from your partner, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and that no one gets hurt in the process, especially your partner.

6. Instead of focusing only on what your partner needs from you, let your partner know the things you need from him or her. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to provide your needs, so don’t be shy or embarrassed to do so. Build trust by entrusting your needs to your partner. Show him or her that you know that he or she is capable of providing your needs.

7. Reflect on yourself – who you are, what is important to you as an individual and as someone who is a part of a couple, what are your beliefs, what values are important to you – everything, and let your partner know the things you discover about yourself.

8. Learn to say no. Always saying yes to other people and not setting aside time to do the things you want to do will likely leave you feeling unappreciated. So make sure that if someone asks you to something, even if it is your partner, and you don’t want to do it, just say no.

9. Charge neutral. Charging neutral means that you put your feelings and emotions in your control. You don’t react or burst in the slightest provocation. You keep your cool. Maintain the contact you have with your partner and speak to him or her directly and truthfully. This will build trust in your partner.

10. Do not be afraid to confront every single aspect of your relationship, especially the issues, trials, problems and concerns that you will have to face eventually. Avoiding conflict, arguments or fights can sometimes lead to resentment, so with issues where you think you really need to talk about it, don’t be afraid to confront them because getting through them with your partner will only make you stronger.

What do you think of these tips? Do you have any other tips you want to share with us. Don’t hesitate to leave comments about other ways one can strengthen or build trust in a relationship.

Spying on a Cheating Spouse: An Invasion of Privacy?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 14:00:02 +0000

When you find out about your partner’s extramarital affair through spying on him or her, it usually ends up in an ugly confrontation between the two of you where your partner will likely accuse you of doing a terrible offense.

The whole issue of your spying becomes the center of attention, and your partner’s affair is just pushed aside like it was insignificant compared to what you did. This also gives your partner something to accuse you of – which is not trusting him or her – for why he or she was pushed into doing the affair in the first place. Your partner will hold on to this accusation even if he or she knows that that line of reasoning makes no sense at all, because it’s the only thing that you can be blamed for.

So when the accusations start coming – and they will – to make you out to be the bad guy, do not back down. Remember that it was not you who broke the trust in your marriage, that it was broken even before you started spying on your partner. And the only reason why you started spying on him or her in the first place was because you felt that something was not right, and you wanted to know what was going on or what he or she was up to. Problems with trust in your relationship were already present, hence the spying.

Your marriage was not destroyed because of your spying. It was destroyed because your partner cheated.

In cases like this, spying is done as a way to confirm the suspicions you are having about your partner. It isn’t done because you don’t trust your partner, which is what you are being accused of. You were spying because you wanted to know the truth and for no other reason.

Trust in Relationships: Making It Stronger by Being Consistent

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 03 Jul 2012 14:00:54 +0000

When it comes to the things you read on the internet, you never really know what to believe especially when it comes to advice on building trust in relationships. Some make sense, some don’t, some are immensely useful and some are a complete waste of time.

The thing to remember here is to filter the things that you see and read, and to make sure that it applies to your specific situation. You shouldn’t follow every single advice on building trust in relationships that you see online because these things don’t necessarily apply to everybody. So it is still best if to evaluate what might work in your relationship and what won’t, before actually doing anything.

A great way to build trust in relationships is to be consistent in how you act, how you treat your partner, how you behave – everything. What causes suspicion in relationships are sudden changes, especially in behavior.

When you have, all of a sudden, started to lose a lot of weight, to dress differently and better, to become interested in things that you didn’t care about before, your partner will start to wonder why you are acting differently, why you are suddenly becoming “not yourself,” and that he or she is starting to not “know you” anymore.

Focus on the things that you do. What are those things that your partner considers to be “normal” behavior from you? What are the things that he or she thinks make you who you are? And what actions or behaviors cause him or her to be suspicious of you? What things do you do or say that make her question whether or not you are thinking straight? Try to figure out what it is that your partner expects from you, and be as consistent as possible in providing him or her that but never to the point of being boring. This is what it means to build trust in relationships by being consistent.

Surprise your partner from time to time. Plan a weekend getaway or go home early to cook him or her dinner one night. Being consistent doesn’t have to mean being boring. There are a lot of things you can do to keep things from being boring and routinary, but this is one of the simplest ways of building trust in relationships that you can easily apply in your own marriage.

Confrontation in Relationships: Good or Bad?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 14:00:46 +0000

What role does confrontation in relationships play? Does it really just add more to your problems? And should you really just keep your mouth shut regarding things that are bothering you?

Often times, when a person sees something in his relationship or his partner that he isn’t really happy about, he chooses to keep it to himself as a way to “not hurt” his partner, especially when it has something to with infidelity or cheating. The two factors that are most commonly at play in situations like this is that, one: the person has trouble confronting his partner; and two: he believes that his partner can’t handle what he has to say.

People usually see confrontation in relationships as a bad thing, but confrontation, when done properly, is actually one of the best ways that a person can bring up whatever issues he may have with his partner or his relationship.

Confrontation in relationships should never be done with the purpose to destroy or bring down your partner. The important thing is to do it in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. The truth should never be seen as something to be afraid of, or something that is going to be destructive because the truth is the exact opposite of that.

Another factor why confrontation in relationships is being avoided is because the person may believe that his partner won’t be able to deal or cope with the issues he has about their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t believe that his partner has the strength to handle confrontation, so he avoids it.

But never underestimate your partner’s strength, especially when it comes to handling issues about him or her. Most of the time, your partner will notice that something is wrong anyway and he or she will see that you are holding back and that you are not trusting him or her with something. Confronting your partner with whatever issues you have can also be a sign that you trust him or her to be able to handle anything.

So do not be afraid of having or starting confrontation in relationships because instead of adding to your problems, it could actually bring reconciliation and develop trust in your marriage.

How Charging Neutral Can Rebuild the Trust in Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 14:00:03 +0000

What benefits does charging neutral provide to your marriage after infidelity? Will you be able to fix your relationship? And more importantly, will you be able to trust your partner and yourself again?

Developing trust, especially in marriages affected by infidelity, is not an easy thing to do, but charging neutral will be able to help you with it. One of the things you need to focus on in a situation like this is communication, which you can achieve when you practice charging neutral.

Charging neutral means that you communicate with your partner in a direct and calm manner, making sure you get your point across properly without yelling or fighting, without being defensive or sarcastic, without any side comments or remarks.

Control yourself when you are talking with your partner. Try out a few exercises that will allow you to stay calm when he or she says something that hits a nerve, like taking a few deep breaths before responding, for example. Keep your tone calm, and your actions and body language relaxed and unthreatening. This is what charging neutral means — to keep yourself from reacting to your partner’s negative behavior.

Doing this will allow you to be able to bring any issue or problem up, whether it is something big or it is just a small thing, without dragging a lot of drama into the plate and creating a big deal out of it. And your partner will be able to trust that you will not fall apart or burst whenever you have issues, especially in your relationship, that you have to deal with. He or she will be able to trust in the strength that you are showing because he or she will be sure that no matter what happens, you will approach everything with calm, you won’t back down and you will speak the truth. Your partner will see that strength when you practice charging neutral, and this will make you even more attractive in his or her eyes.

How Saying NO Develops Trust in Relationships

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:00:07 +0000

Can saying no really develop a relationship to be stronger and more mature? How is this possible? And how can you apply it in your own relationship?

Saying no is not a bad thing. Allowing yourself to say no every now and then is actually a good thing. A lot of people cannot say no when others ask them to do something, especially when it is their partners. But there is nothing wrong with saying no, and in a lot of situations it is actually the right thing that you can do. When you say no to other people, not only does it provide you to have time for yourself, it also sets up limitations to what other people can ask from you.

By saying no, you are able to create boundaries between you and the people around you, and you are able to keep yourself from things that could destroy you as a person as well as your relationship.

Most people believe that by saying no to people asking things from them, they will be seen as a bad person. But this isn’t always true. And it’s this fear of being looked at negatively that usually keeps us from saying no even during times when we really want to. And instead, we do whatever is asked of us and suffer in silence, which leads to resentment, doubts, and mistrust. Will you be able to trust your partner when you are afraid that saying no to him or her will change the dynamic in your relationship? Being able to say no, especially to your partner means that you trust him or her to be okay with it, and that you know that he or she will not be take it negatively. Your partner will know that you will not allow yourself to be pushed into doing things that you are not comfortable with, and he or she will respect you for that.

Do not be afraid of rejecting favors and setting boundaries for yourself, and the simplest way you can do this is by saying no.

Conflict in Your Marriage: Should You Avoid It?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 31 May 2012 14:00:44 +0000

How do you view conflict in your marriage? Do you welcome and acknowledge it when it has to happen, or do you avoid it completely?

Do not be afraid to dig deep and have conflict in your marriage to deal with the issues you and your partner are facing. A lot of people believe that if you are in a relationship with the “right” person, that everything will just fall into place, that everything will be easy. But that is simply not true. Every relationship, no matter how good, needs work and you will have conflict in your marriage sooner or later. There is no such thing as an easy relationship. And those who think there is are the one who usually end up going from one relationship to the next because they become too afraid to go through the difficulties that each relationship has.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems, crises, conflict and trials in their lives, and we’ve pretty much done these things by ourselves our whole lives. So when we get into a relationship with someone, we have to adjust and learn how to do those things with our partner instead of just by ourselves.

You might look at conflict in your marriage as something that should be avoided even during times when it is all you want to do, especially at the beginning of the relationship because they don’t want to ruin the peace. But don’t think that all conflict will bring to your marriage will be negativity.

These trials, crises, troubles, problems and everything else that can create conflict in your marriage are not there to break you down and tear your marriage apart. They are there to help you grow, to develop into husbands and wives worthy of your partners, and to help create a deeper more meaningful relationship. But this will only happen when it is done right. Confront your partner, but don’t attack him or her – there is a huge difference between these two. Talk to your partner and let him or her know what is bothering you. Trust that your partner will listen to what you have to say and not take it in a negative way. Remember, not all conflict is bad. Conflict in your marriage can actually help it grow stronger and your trust in each other grow deeper.

Understanding the Seven Different Types of Affairs

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 29 May 2012 14:00:25 +0000

What are the seven different types of affairs? How do they begin and how do they develop?

Having a deeper knowledge of the types of affairs will help you understand your partner’s actions better. Knowing why your husband or wife started having an affair in the first place will help you greatly in knowing what to plan for when you decide to try to save your marriage. Here is a brief description of the seven different kinds of affairs:

One of the types of affairs may be brought about because your partner may have felt that something is lacking from your marriage, and he decided to look for it from someone else in a different relationship.

There are those who, for some reason or another, can’t seem to just say no to the other person. This is one of the types of affairs that is very dangerous. Others crave the excitement and drama of falling in love and discovering a new love so much that they focus on that feeling more than they do in trying to stay in one relationship. And they allow the other person to have power over them.

Some people choose their partners depending on what it will do for their social standing. These people gravitate towards seemingly perfect individuals who others will be jealous of. Then there are those who live by the phrase “boys will be boys,” which, surprisingly, a lot of people actually tolerate and accept as an excuse for why people have affairs.

Other types of affairs are those that stem from your partner’s need to prove his or her desirability, which leads to usually a short-term one-time affair. And then there are those who are confused about how to handle intimacy.

Your partner may also have done it for revenge over something that you either did or did not do. It may have also started because he or she is angry over something and wants to get back at you for it. Both of these are because of revenge but they present very differently from one another.

Being aware of the differences of all these types of affairs, and being able to pinpoint which of these your partner is will give you better results in overcoming this hurdle.

The Key to Moving Forward After the Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 24 May 2012 14:00:09 +0000

Are there things we can do to make sure that we are moving forward after our partner’s infidelity? What are these things?

Going through infidelity is difficult for everyone, no matter the situation, and moving forward from a situation like this take a lot of effort from both parties. Whether it happens for the first time or the second or the third, it never gets easy. All the time you just feel enveloped by pain and betrayal and torment, and you start to wonder when it will stop and when the moving forward will start, and how other people got through it.

Well, moving forward usually when you finally get an answer to that one question you’ve been asking yourself over and over. The question that you’ve been holding inside, that’s been keeping you from moving forward.

The thing is, though, that this question isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. People experience similar situations differently and therefore have different reactions to things. It may even take some time for you to figure out what the question is in the first place. The important thing is for you to keep moving forward. Make goals for your future, both immediate and distant — a future that is focused on yourself and the things you need and want to happen in your life, and a future that is not revolved around your partner. Don’t avoid or ignore your feelings and thoughts about your situation. Doing that will only lead to more pain and anger. Acknowledge your feelings but do not focus on them. Instead, focus on yourself and what things you can do to make yourself feel better and ensure moving forward.

Remember that even if everything seems to be falling apart right now and it seems that it won’t get better, things always have a way of fixing themselves and everything eventually gets better – and the best part is, that question that you’ve been holding on to will get answered. And then, moving forward will be a breeze.

Jealousy: A Tool for Stronger Relationships?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 22 May 2012 14:06:16 +0000

What creates stronger relationships? Are there things you can do or practice that will help you and your partner create one?

You will be able to find all sorts of different relationship advice posted on the internet that promises to make stronger relationships. Things like what to do on the first date, how to make sure you’re with the right man or woman, trust building advices and exercises, and how to find “the one.” All of this information is mostly useful or beneficial in trying to help you develop or strengthen the bond you have with your partner and your relationship in general. But there is one specific piece of advice that is going around that is regarding jealousy and its use in relationships that is pretty questionable.

This particular article suggested that jealousy is actually good tool in creating stronger relationships, and even went as far as to say that people in relationships or marriages should intentionally make each other jealous from time to time to help in developing the marriage. The author’s suggestion that jealousy could be beneficial or helpful to a relationship may have meant that it could be a useful tool or means in spicing things up or introducing new things in the marriage that you and your partner may not have tried or experienced before.

Most of us know, though, that that is not actually true nor is it the best or most healthy way of achieving the goal of creating stronger relationships, particularly if infidelity is in the picture.

There are plenty of ways that people can nurture and nourish what they have with their partners to create stronger relationships, and making your partner jealous for whatever reason and in any manner is definitely not one of them. Building trust, love, connection and great communication, honesty, passion, appreciation and integrity are only some of these things that will develop stronger relationships and restore on, especially after infidelity.