cheating husband – Break Free from the Affair

Getting Away From the Confusion in Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 14:00:48 +0000

“I want to be close to someone” is one of the seven types of affairs,and it is described as the one that brings about the confusion in infidelity the most compared to other six. Here’s what you need to know about this type of affair.

If your partner is going through an affair of the “I want to be close to someone, which means I can’t stand intimacy” type, you are probably going through a great deal of doubts and confusion in infidelity. And the main that is causing all of that is your partner.

“I want to be close to someone” is the type of affair where your partner isn’t really sure about what he wants, whether it’s from you, from the other person, or even from himself. He, himself, is confused about which relationship he really wants.

On one hand, he has you and your marriage, which is so comfortable and stable and familiar to him that he doesn’t want to leave it behind. But on the other hand, there’s the other person and their new and exciting relationship that holds a lot of potential and possibilities to him.

The confusion in infidelity arises when, as much as he doesn’t want to end your marriage, he also doesn’t want to let go of the other relationship. Because of his goal to be close to someone, he wants to see where both relationships will lead. He wants to make sure that he chooses the right person, the person who he will be close to and make him feel complete, and so he does not let go of either one.

Both relationships pull him back and forth, and because he doesn’t know what to do and because he doesn’t know what he wants, he ends up not doing anything at all and leaves you and the other person stuck along with him in all the confusion in infidelity. He tries to manage the tension and keep everything from blowing up and falling apart by avoiding the issues he needs to face and avoiding having to make a decision.

Keep yourself from getting sucked into a situation like this by being aware of your personal needs, and knowing what it is that you want from your partner. It is important to constantly reflect on what it is you want for yourself and let these needs and wants guide you in the direction of where you want to be. Don’t be pulled along in your partner’s confusion in infidelity and decide for yourself what it is that is best for you.

Recover from Infidelity: Turning Depression into Hope

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 14:00:49 +0000

Learn how to recover from infidelity from this real-life infidelity story.

Over the past 20 years, a lot of clients have come in for personal, one-on-one coaching and counseling sessions to try to be a step closer to recover from infidelity. In this real-life story from one of these clients, she talked about what went on in her marriage and how her husband’s affair affected her.

I was very depressed before that it even got to a point where I sometimes didn’t leave the house for days. I was always focused on my husband – what his mood was going to be that day, how he was feeling towards me, how he was treating me. I mean, I’ve been working on it but it’s just really hard for me. He said that it was that that drove him to the affair. That it just got really hard for him to live with me that way.

We’ve both been working on our personal issues and I’ve trying real hard to recover from his infidelity. We still live together but I haven’t really decided yet whether to stay in the marriage or not. I can see that he’s been making some changes as well, but I’m a little frustrated because they’re not the changes I wanted to happen. I realize, though, that I’m being unfair and that I haven’t even acknowledged his efforts. I just feel like I’m ready to move forward with my life, but I need more from him if he wants us to stay together. If he can’t do that for me, then maybe its time we go our separate ways, and I’m okay with that. I really believe that if we continue to go on like this that both of us won’t really be able to recover from infidelity — that we’ll just tear each other apart — and I really don’t want that to happen.

I’ve forgiven him for the affair and I’ve asked forgiveness for my part in causing it as well, which I think is the first step for us to recover from infidelity. This experience has opened my eyes to a lot of opportunities that I didn’t see before, and I’m grateful for that. I’ve gone through a lot in my life and I believe that I ca do something good, that I can help other through my experiences, and I’m working on figuring out how to do that right now. I’m really excited to see where my life will lead next.

From this real-life infidelity story, the following are some of the personal goals that the coach suggested for this client to recover from infidelity that you might find useful as well, especially if you find yourself in a similar situation:

1. Take some time to reflect and examine what themes in your life come to the surface whenever you’re depressed.

2. Be specific on the changes you want from your partner.

3. List as least five factors that you think is holding you back from fully committing to your partner.

4. Make a list of your personal needs and mark down those that are really important to you.

5. Don’t forget to acknowledge the progress you’ve done.

It isn’t easy to recover from infidelity, no matter what the circumstances are, but there are a lot of things that you can do that will enable you to go through it.

Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Holding on to the Silver Lining

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 14:00:51 +0000

This is an excerpt from one of the coaching sessions Dr. Robert Huizenga had with a client who discovered that her husband had an affair while he was on active duty during the war.

After finding out about my husband’s affair, he stopped seeing and talking to me for over a month before he suddenly asked for a divorce. I felt hurt and betrayed, and I really felt like my family was destroyed.

He was involved with a married woman. He told her that he was divorced and that his wife, whom he still loved, had left him. Our friends and family were surprised by what happened, but I really wasn’t, which I think is why it hurts more.

Right now, I’m just trying to concentrate on the positive things that this has brought me. My life is completely different now, and I’m taking care of our two young children as well as our nephew who we are guardians for. My friends and family have been very helpful and a great support system through this whole ordeal, and I know that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.

The following are some of the personal goals she is working on right now, through the suggestion of the coach:

1. To grieve the loss of her marriage.

2. To keep herself busy and continue to work on self-improvement goals.

3. To make a journal chronicling her thoughts and feelings, focusing on the negative as well as the positive and try to figure out where they come from.

4. To continue to rely and build her support system.

To Stay or Go?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 20:38:22 +0000

A person asked this question in my webinar:

Shall I go or stay when my husband is still with the other woman and is planning to meet her again?

Here’s my response:

I’m not sure it’s an issue of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s more a question of “What’s going to be my strategy? What am I going to say? What type of affair is it?” For example, if a person says “I fell out of love with you, I’m in love with someone else, and I’m going to continue this relationship,” you may be looking at Affair #4: I fell out of love…and just love being in love. First of all, you need to know that that relationship is temporary. It’s not going to last forever.

One strategy is to back off and let that relationship die if you have the personal power to be able to do that. The other strategy is to be able to contextualize and say to this person “Where are you headed? You realize that this is probably temporary? Most people who are in this type of affair do realize that those type of feelings, that type of being “in love” is temporary and a part of them knows that.

So you can begin contextualizing or beginning to put the affair in the framework of “This is not going to work and you know it. What’s going to happen when everything falls apart for you? You may end up with nothing. And what is that going to be like for you?” So it’s confrontive contextualization of the circumstances of that relationship.

So saying “Should I stay or go?” is probably a question that a person is probably not ready to answer at this point in time. You first of all need to identify the type of affair, explore different strategies that you would use, evaluate the outcome, evaluate the responses and along the line it will begin sinking that this is either going to work or this is not going to work.

And so it’s a process. Again I say it takes six to eighteen months to work through this if you can use some of these techniques and if you don’t, if you just kind of flail at it it’s going to take a lot longer. Infidelity is very, very complex, very, very complicated and so it’s not a simple question of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s much more involved and if you care about your husband, you care about yourself, you care about your family, you’re going to be asking a lot of difficult questions. It’s not going to be easy but in the long run it’s going to be the best route for you to take.

Infidelity Advice From a Survivor

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 20:46:59 +0000

Following is advice from one of our readers who endured her husband’s extramarital affair, while remaining strong for her children and her. After a year and a half, her cheating husband finally opened up to her about his unfaithful behavior. These are inspiring words of wisdom from someone who’s been through the horrific and life altering experience of infidelity. If you are experiencing the pain of an affair, listen to what our reader has to say and perhaps you will find a moment of peace and hope.

Rely on friends, especially if you have a friend who has been through a similar experience. Follow your heart, even though you feel as if it has been destroyed. It took me a year and a half to finally get my husband to open up and discuss the affair and it was still limited. MOVE ON after you can finally start to put the pieces back together. Be the best parent you can to your children. They know when you are suffering through a crisis and try to keep the lifestyle at home as close to normal as possible. Don’t involve the children, just love them. Most of all, just keep on pushing through the pain-there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Finding Strength in the Midst of Infidelity and Tragedy

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 12:00:04 +0000

Following is a woman’s heartbreaking story of her experience with infidelity. Learn how she coped through a tragic turn of events and came out a stronger person in the end, largely because of her love for her children.

Hello, I relate so much to the crying, not eating, not being able to work. It was so hard. He walked out 1 week before Christmas. My friends and family helped so much. I thought, “What did I do wrong?” I thought I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough. But it dawned on me one day as I looked in the mirror. I looked at what I was letting him do to me, the weight I lost, the kids trying to cheer me up. It was because of my kids…I didn’t want them to see me like that anymore. I took back my life. They asked questions and I told them the truth about their dad’s other woman. I fought for my life and my children not to give up. Then, it got harder. Their dad (my husband) died in a car accident on Father’s Day. My youngest daughter was there spending the day with her dad for Father’s day. Thank God she wasn’t in the car. Through him leaving and his death, I’m a very strong woman. It has shown my children that you can make it through anything, as long as you have a support system, and for me that was my children.

“I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” and Confronting the Other Person

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 12:00:10 +0000

Affair number five is “I want to get back at him or her.” The underlying theme here is one of resentment or anger. Usually, it means that the cheating spouse believes that his or her needs were not being met in the marriage, and they got angry about it, so they said, “I’m going to teach you. I’m going to go find somebody else to be with.”

Confronting this type of person may help get it, which means some of the anger or some of the frustration, out in the open. There may be more discussion, there may be more dialogue, and it may shift the focal point to the marriage, on the underlying resentment and hostility for needs not being met. I’ve seen that happen often, in this type of affair.

A risk is that there may be an intensification of the anger or the rage. It may up the level of anger, and the anger may turn into rage. Or, if it’s more quiet, you may increase the passive aggressive behavior. You’ll find yourself in situations where, the anger is subtle, but very, very pronounced. That’s a risk.

Let me talk here a little bit about pattern entrenchment. What we’re getting at here is that there are certain patterns that we have. Do you ever observe yourself going through patterns, or cycles, and at some point, saying, “Oh, I’ve been here before?” Or, “This is really familiar.” Or, “I know what he’s going to say before he says it, and I know how I’m going to respond to what he says, before, I just know what the patterns going to be.”

This is called pattern entrenchment. And when patterns are really entrenched, when they’re very, very solidified, they happen frequently, they’re intense, and people have a difficult time getting out of them, then you have more difficulty as a person who’s trying to generate influence or change, to change that pattern. So, it’s always helpful to look at how deeply this person is entrenched in their particular theme and pattern?

Confronting the Other Person Webinar – Intro

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 15:49:27 +0000

When dealing with infidelity, don’t we sometimes feel like a detective, trying to figure out what the other person’s doing, or what your spouse is doing? Your eye is focused on him or her, wondering. All kinds of questions and images run through your mind.

So, it may demand a tremendous amount of our time and energy. For some, I would say, most people who bump into an affair, one of the questions becomes “Do I confront the other person, or not?”

For some, that question doesn’t emerge. But, if you’re reading this, I would assume, that question has confronted you. Do you confront the other person, or not? There’s been a lack of material on that. I didn’t really run across a whole lot as I did some reading on this particular topic.

I have my own ideas. I thought that, perhaps, confronting the other person would be problematic; would stir up a lot of problems, and would probably not be a good idea.

But I did some research. I sent out a survey about six months ago to my readers, and I got a tremendous response. Over 500 people responded with stories and comments about their experiences in confronting the other person.

And it opened my eyes to a lot of issues, related to confronting the other person. And actually, to my surprise, a large number of people who told their stories, found it helpful for them, if not for the marriage or their relationship.

So, I want to thank you for all your participation, for your comments, and for your stories, if you happen to be one of the people who have been involved in this process. And what it’s done, it’s helped me create a new e‑book “Confronting the Other Person: End the Humiliation.”

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting several excerpts from my webinar on confronting the other person, with plenty of valuable information on confronting the other person.

If you have a story about confronting the other person, please feel free to share it by commenting after this blog.

Pain of Infidelity: Knowing his/her “Hole” Helps with Your Infidelity Pain

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:13:10 +0000

A key to diminishing the pain of infidelity and agony is to see your cheating spouse as having the problem.

And, the reality is: It IS his/her problem.

The affair or infidelity is his/her problem – his/her attempt to somehow fill a “hole,” fill a void, meet some intense long-suffering personal need or undo some theme or pattern in his/her life that has been haunting him/her long before s/he met you.

And you can say…”Sure, how do I know that? Or, “That’s easy for you to say!”

It does take some understanding of the complexity of the affair or infidelity to come to the conclusion that it IS his/her problem. After all you have been so invested in him/her, your lives entangled with one another, with the children, with your work, with your activities that it’s difficult to believe that you had nothing to do with his/her choice to pursue an affair which has caused this horrific pain of infidelity.

As well, the affair triggers in you, your points of vulnerability, your unresolved patterns that go way back, your doubts and fears about your adequacy, sexually and in other ways.

So, it is difficult to disentangle and see an affair with clarity and for what it truly is.

I’ve been thinking long and hard recently about the impact of my materials and why people contact me frequently thanking me for the relief from the pain of infidelity they experience with my information.

I think I present a practical, in-depth look at the complexity, patterns and nuances of infidelity that is not found elsewhere.

Let me give you an example of how I address the pain of infidelity:

I list 7 types of affairs, each unique, each with underlying patterns.

And for each affair I attempt to present the motives one might have for engaging in that type of affair.

To get at the motives, I list the personal characteristics of a person who most likely would pursue that type of affair.

Let’s look at the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.

My research and clinical experience allowed me to come to the conclusion that such a person typically expresses these characteristics:

• At one time was clingy and fairly passive in the marriage
• Does not want to take responsibility for his/her behavior
• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star
• May have bouts of sadness and dejection
• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate, weak, reluctant and seemingly incapable of expressing own desires wants, needs, ideas (doesn’t know what they are)
• Can be very generous and has difficulty saying no
• May be naive or Polly Anna like
• More passive, does not like competition
• May be closely attached to parents
• May be overprotected by parents
• May typically express put-downs about self
• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough
• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated

Now there are solid psychological reasons for coming to these conclusions. I won’t bore you with those details.

Suffice it to say that many when coming across this list (and I have a list for all 7 types of affairs) breath a sigh of relief and say… “That’s him/her!”

And, they are off… feeling better, breaking free from the pain of infidelity and beginning to chart a very specific well designed plan that will alter the course of the affair.

Erase the Pain of Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Quickly

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:12:03 +0000

If you recently discovered that your spouse is cheating, you may find it difficult to believe that the intense pain of infidelity you feel can be erased quickly.

Well, yes it can.

But, diminishing the pain of infidelity is not hocus-pocus.

Erasing the pain of infidelity, or at least finding immense relief from the pain, occurs under particular conditions and mental and behavioral shifts you make as you begin the recovery and healing process from the infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

Many drowning in the agony and pain find this type of relief once they spend an hour or two integrating the practical, unique information I present in my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair.”

The pain is erased for very specific reasons. You will learn those reasons as you move through my site and become familiar with my “take” on infidelity that has been researched and clinically tested with thousands of individuals and hundreds of couples since I began my private practice in Marriage and Family Therapy in 1981.

Welcome to my blog.

Your comments are gold. Please deposit them!

You will find that part of your relief will emerge as you meet others moving along the same predictable path as you.

Wishing you the best,

Bob

Dr. Bob Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Helping thousands deal with the pain of infidelity