affairs – Break Free from the Affair

This knowledge Will Save Your Sanity and Maybe Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:07:10 +0000

Discovering the TRUTH about infidelity will provide comfort, set you free and help you develop
your plan of action.

All affairs are not alike.

Affairs are different depending on
• the motivation
• personality factors
• and personal history of the cheating spouse.

Once you know the type of affair you can pinpoint exactly what you can say and do to disrupt
the patterns.

Others have found this to be true…

I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of “cheaters.” I wish
I had this two years ago–would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error. You are very good at
what you do.
-Yvonne

I now have some peace of mind and a road map to follow. It was amazing how the type of
affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given
me hope that there will be a resolution. Thanks, Bob.

A friend of mine sent me your ebook on the 7 types of affairs which I read with great interest!
My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I
couldn’t believe how accurate your description was of him – he is definitely number 3 but I don’t feel he has always been which is the sad thing really.

The ebook has been most helpful. My soon-to-be-ex husband is deeply involved in a “My
Marriage Made Me Do It” affair with an unhappily married woman from his past whose
marriage “made her do it,” too… neither of them the slightest bit responsible for how their
marriages have turned out. Your book has helped me to do a better job of “charging neutral,”
which I was already doing to a great extent. We are managing to be civil, even pleasant, to
each other… and it is my goal to leave this 19-year relationship with as little baggage as
possible and get on with my life.
-Deborah

Your ebook helped me learn that I am not crazy and that Affairs are what make me feel
crazy. I can’t keep trying to make sense out of this since there isn’t any. Most important of all is not to go it alone. At first that is what I tried to do since most of my family knew about and tried
to wake me up. Now I use those same people who tried so hard before as a support. Second most
important is my new mantra I WILL MAKE IT.

In reading over the type of affair I am facing, I am #3. Everything you say is right on
target. I could not believe every word you wrote was me.
-Elizabeth

Hi my name is Jane and My friend Ray bought me your book yesterday….I fell much better
today after reading it, I am practicing the way I talk to my husband because everytime we speak
my voice drops and I sound pathetic even to myself. I am having a little trouble deciding which
type of affair he is having, I believe it is #4…but his feeling desirable with someone else also
applies

Key #1 to Infidelity Recovery: Stop Doing What You are Doing

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 20:17:28 +0000

Key Point: An affair is built upon tension. Tension fuels an affair, not love; nothing else. And, that tension resides most powerfully between husband, wife and the affair partner. (Learn more about the nature of this tension in the Infidelity Recovery Center.)

Unfortunately, what is subtly poured into your mind about handling an affair by family, friends and culture only increases the tension; and therefore, the power of the attraction to the other person.

You respond to the affair with what I call the 6 Killer Mistakes – that prolong the affair and your misery. These Killer Mistakes ramp up the tension.

These behaviors seem like a reasonable response to this crisis.

But, here’s the problem: they don’t work. They only make matters worse.

They produce the opposite effect, and drive your spouse closer to his/her lover.

Or, they produce guilt which festers and merely prepares you for another round of cheating.

One of the first steps in coping with the affair is to stop any and all of these 6 Killer Mistakes.

Cold turkey.

If your pain is great enough you can do it.

In stopping the Killer Mistakes you greatly reduce the tension and with that you see changes.

Here’s what might happen:

You change the rules of the relationship. S/he no longer can count on you to be predictable.

If your spouse has relied upon you to be a “rock” or the predictable one, this will be upsetting. S/he will watch you very closely. You may begin to notice shifts and changes in behavior. S/he may become more talkative, more disclosing and more attentive. S/he may begin to question the wisdom of the cheating.

Your spouse will have a greater respect for you. You approach him/her no longer out of your neediness or as a game player, but as a person taking a thoughtful conscious break from the insanity.

You cheating spouse may be enraged, attempting to elicit the old behaviors. The hidden message: “get back to where you were. I need you there for me to be who I now am. You are ruining my intentions.”

No changes may take place in the relationship. S/he continues as is. This may inform you that s/he is presently self absorbed and incapable of connecting with anyone.

Your spouse may be relieved. This MAY indicate that s/he has little emotional connection to the marriage or relationship and is on the way out. (This is true for most affair types, but usually not for #4: “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love.”)

I go into extensive detail on these 6 Killer Mistakes in the Infidelity Recovery Center.

The remainder of the 10 Keys to Infidelity Recovery (complete with checklist) are found in the introduction to the Infidelity Recovery Center.

Unsatisfying Sex in Extramarital Affairs: Yes, It Is Possible

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 14:00:14 +0000

I have worked with several people who had engaged in extramarital affairs, most of whom have said that they deeply regret being unfaithful to their partners and feel awful over what they did.

There are two cases, in particular, where the clients described how their undesirable sexual encounters with the other persons made the guilt of the extramarital affairs even worse.

One of the cases was a man who had always struggled with his self-esteem, and pinpointed his extramarital affairs as that of number six – I need to prove my desirability. He described how he met a woman 15 years younger than him who flattered him a lot and made him feel good about himself — better than what when he was with his wife. The flirting eventually turned into a sexual affair, but then during the few times they had “tried” to have a physical relationship, the results were always terrible.

The second case, on the other hand, was that of a woman who had met and started an affair with someone who was also 15 years younger than her. She said that while she was in the other relationship, she never felt like herself, that she always felt as if she were another person. She’s even went as far as to describe how the other person had a hard time getting an erection when they tried to have sex. She has since ended the affair and is now working on fixing her marriage.

There are plenty of other cases of extramarital affairs where things didn’t go quite as you had imagined. You may think that affairs always consist of better conversations, better sexual encounters, and better companionship than what you have in your marriage. Keep in mind that it’s not what happens. Most of the time, it’s the exact opposite.

Although it is easier to think that your partner’s sexual encounters with the other person is great and very satisfying, probably because the affair will make more sense if it was, it is not always the case. Don’t always believe your worst thoughts about extramarital affairs as truth because they aren’t always true.

Confronting Infidelity: Why You Should Know the Details of the Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 14:00:01 +0000

Why is it important for you to be confronting infidelity?

Finding out that your spouse is having an affair would make anyone go crazy, and one way that becomes a helpful way to cope and deal with it is by confronting infidelity — learning what exactly it is that your partner and the other person did.

A lot of people might say that it is not a good idea to know specifics of the other relationship, that it would be better just to leave it in the past and find a way to move on without confronting infidelity. But it is actually a normal reaction, one that most people in a situation like this will have, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting to know the details.

In fact, the following are reasons why you should be confronting infidelity and knowing the reasons why he or she cheated:

1. First of all, if your partner is having a sexual affair, confronting infidelity is important for you to know the details of his encounters for you to be able to know if there is a need for you to protect yourself against STDs, and take proper action to protect or restore your health if you do.

2. You need to reassure yourself that you are not going crazy. Some people are very intuitive and tend to sense when something isn’t right. If you are one of those people, you may have sensed at one point or another that there is something going on with your partner, but you are just not able to pinpoint what it is. Confronting infidelity and knowing the details of your partner’s other relationship gives you something concrete to hold on to.

3. For couples whose relationship has had a lot of distance and don’t have much communication in it, the affair becomes a way for you to kind of reconnect with your partner. It gives you something to talk about and to focus on, like a goal that both of you can strive for together.

So when dealing with infidelity, remember these reasons to help you in planning a course of action and in making decisions on what to do next. You can also list down your individual reasons and goals for confronting infidelity to guide you as well.

Understanding the Seven Different Types of Affairs

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 29 May 2012 14:00:25 +0000

What are the seven different types of affairs? How do they begin and how do they develop?

Having a deeper knowledge of the types of affairs will help you understand your partner’s actions better. Knowing why your husband or wife started having an affair in the first place will help you greatly in knowing what to plan for when you decide to try to save your marriage. Here is a brief description of the seven different kinds of affairs:

One of the types of affairs may be brought about because your partner may have felt that something is lacking from your marriage, and he decided to look for it from someone else in a different relationship.

There are those who, for some reason or another, can’t seem to just say no to the other person. This is one of the types of affairs that is very dangerous. Others crave the excitement and drama of falling in love and discovering a new love so much that they focus on that feeling more than they do in trying to stay in one relationship. And they allow the other person to have power over them.

Some people choose their partners depending on what it will do for their social standing. These people gravitate towards seemingly perfect individuals who others will be jealous of. Then there are those who live by the phrase “boys will be boys,” which, surprisingly, a lot of people actually tolerate and accept as an excuse for why people have affairs.

Other types of affairs are those that stem from your partner’s need to prove his or her desirability, which leads to usually a short-term one-time affair. And then there are those who are confused about how to handle intimacy.

Your partner may also have done it for revenge over something that you either did or did not do. It may have also started because he or she is angry over something and wants to get back at you for it. Both of these are because of revenge but they present very differently from one another.

Being aware of the differences of all these types of affairs, and being able to pinpoint which of these your partner is will give you better results in overcoming this hurdle.

The Key to Moving Forward After the Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 24 May 2012 14:00:09 +0000

Are there things we can do to make sure that we are moving forward after our partner’s infidelity? What are these things?

Going through infidelity is difficult for everyone, no matter the situation, and moving forward from a situation like this take a lot of effort from both parties. Whether it happens for the first time or the second or the third, it never gets easy. All the time you just feel enveloped by pain and betrayal and torment, and you start to wonder when it will stop and when the moving forward will start, and how other people got through it.

Well, moving forward usually when you finally get an answer to that one question you’ve been asking yourself over and over. The question that you’ve been holding inside, that’s been keeping you from moving forward.

The thing is, though, that this question isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. People experience similar situations differently and therefore have different reactions to things. It may even take some time for you to figure out what the question is in the first place. The important thing is for you to keep moving forward. Make goals for your future, both immediate and distant — a future that is focused on yourself and the things you need and want to happen in your life, and a future that is not revolved around your partner. Don’t avoid or ignore your feelings and thoughts about your situation. Doing that will only lead to more pain and anger. Acknowledge your feelings but do not focus on them. Instead, focus on yourself and what things you can do to make yourself feel better and ensure moving forward.

Remember that even if everything seems to be falling apart right now and it seems that it won’t get better, things always have a way of fixing themselves and everything eventually gets better – and the best part is, that question that you’ve been holding on to will get answered. And then, moving forward will be a breeze.

Details of the Affair: Why Isn’t He/She Telling Me?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 08 May 2012 14:00:11 +0000

How important is it to know the details of the affair?

When infidelity occurs in the marriage, it is common for the victim to demand to know the details of the affair – asking what happened, when, where and how – and everyone has their own personal reasons for wanting to know these things. If you find that your partner is unwilling to divulge or reveal the details of the affair and other things that you want to know though, you should understand that your partner has his or her own reasons for doing so as well.

A common theme or reason why your partner chooses to keep the details of the affair from you is because your partner is ashamed or guilty over the things he or she has done, and doesn’t see how it will benefit you to go through all of those things. Your partner is aware that what he or she did was wrong and is too scared or ashamed to admit and acknowledge it.

The way your partner sees it, revealing the details of the affair to you will only cause you pain, and him or her shame. So what’s the point in talking about it over and over?

Another reason could be that he or she is doing it intentionally because he or she sees that it hurts you to not know the details of the affair. This is especially true if your partner’s affair began as a kind of revenge for something you did or didn’t do that affected him negatively. Even if your partner is doing it unconsciously, he could be holding back on giving you answers because he is enjoying the fact that he is hurting you and making you squirm.

If none of these situations fits yours, take some time to really evaluate what is happening and why it is happening. This way, you can plan different strategies or tactics on how to fix the problem.

You should also ask yourself why it is important for you to know what your partner did during his or her infidelity? What are your reasons for wanting to find out the details?

The reasons behind your wanting to find out the details of the affair could prove to be beneficial in helping you move forward in your life after the affair.

Discovering Internet Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:16:02 +0000

More responses from the survey. Leave your comments below, please.

My wife has had an ongoing affair that fits the profile of “immature relationship – unfinished business” with a guy she met at a party who “friend-ed” her on Facebook. This forum allows her to communicate with him in a manner that allows her to keep her married life separate from her fling. I think she does this because, when faced with my finding the data (she seems to think that computers are magic, and I’m an electrical engineer) and evidence of her interactions, feels guilty.
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When I think of internet cheating, I often think of my ex-husband. He proceeded in this for several years. Each time he got caught, he said “never again”. But the minute I let my guard down, he was at it again. It was very easy to catch him, as he sometimes left his email open to that exact email for the world to see. It was almost like he was wanting to get caught.
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How can he say he is happy with me but actively pursue someone online? How can he expect me to trust him after he has cheated online ? Why does he not understand that porn is cheating too?
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Why if you have your wife/husband in the flesh do you live with sexual immorality in a fantasy world then to commit it in reality – only later to be shocked by the consequences of the hurt that adultery and the effects of this addiction causes. Internet cheating IS a form of adultery, shameful and wrong and the fact that is hidden shows it’s an addiction and we know that deception is the driving force of addiction so there are very real issues involved with very real consequences. Thank you for this survey. God bless.
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Is there a way I can find evidence of his cheating? I see many occasions when he has clicked onto the chat site (web history), but do not have any evidence of his filling in his details and communicating with the women. He is a compulsive liar, but I do not like to accuse in case – just this once – he is actually telling the truth.

Traditional Self Help is Limited – Part 3

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 20:51:19 +0000

Here are some responses from my readers to the list I posted previously about self help strategies (I listed 8) being limited:

I think many people, me included, know that all that lovey-dovey crap isn’t going to help them through the critical points. If we can’t make it work from day to day, taking a ‘romantic’ vacation ain’t gonna work either.
I agree with you that most of these items are only temporary fixes at best and some don’t work at all. I can say I have tried most of them in my 25 year relationship and though some helped a little, it didn’t last.
It seems easier but it is not in real life. When you really try to follow this advice, it looks artificial, false. You become more a performer, and at the end, the frustration for lack of results is even bigger. You end feeling ridiculous.
Been there done that…. I started with most of these points. I like the comment about needy. We did the dating…. Correct! The elephant was still in the room. It’s amazing to me that even though every situation is different, our emotions and actions all seem to be the same.
After trying most of the items on the list over the past year, I feel that these have not cured my devastating pain and anger nor have they helped with rebuilding love, respect, and trust I had previous to his affair. Romantic vacations and get-aways brought out increased anger and pain, as they were in hotel settings, which made me think about the sex shared by my husband and his mistress and further alienated me from him. Intimacy is a REAL problem for me.
These are the things you often hear you should do to fix your marriage. But you are right – they don’t help. The problem is that if the other one is not willing, there is not much you can do. But sure – going out regularly with your partner may prevent the problems but does not necessarily help when you have hit the rock bottom and there is the elephant in the room that no one really knows what to do about. Also – there can be the problem that I am experiencing that the other one is in a hurry of just leaving the scene because he sees everything so hopeless (and is in love with someone else = quick fix!)
Everyone says to spend more time together after an emotional affair and go out on dates and talk and talk. But you’re right that big fat elephant of the affair always goes with you wherever you go. There is no getting away from it. You can talk and talk and still not get any issues resolved. It’s emotionally exhausting with no or little improvement. I just wish the cheating spouse knew the depth of pain this caused for the other spouse and just maybe these types of emotional affairs would not happen. No one deserves to be in this deep of pain.
I completely agree with your comments to the “tried and true” common advice. I especially agree with what you say about date nights etc. being overrated and feeling forced and how that makes you feel like a failure when, as a couple, it just doesn’t work.

Recovering from an affair is difficult but you will be fine with the right infidelity help.

Speaking your “Voice” to Your Spouse – Part 2

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 20:48:41 +0000

Here are some more key points about using your personal power and speaking your voice to your spouse:

You need not be loud and when you speak your voice. A quiet, calm, yet coming from within you voice, holds the most power. You speak quietly and others listen.

You become more attractive as you cultivate and grow your voice.

You respect yourself more and others respect you more as you grow your voice. You are disregarded and ignored when you approach with negativity and reactivity.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state what you value for yourself and your relationships.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state your standards and what you expect from self, others and life.

Having a voice and personal power means you firmly state your boundaries that protect you and those you love.

You exude personal power when it is obvious you have a vision for your life, your family, your career and that which you value.

You continually and persistently become more and more aware of the purpose for your life and disclose that purpose to those you love.

Your voice is your power. Your voice is YOU. Your voice is what makes you exceedingly attractive.

Seeking good affair help is the answer to coping with infidelity.