relationship help – Break Free from the Affair

This knowledge Will Save Your Sanity and Maybe Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:07:10 +0000

Discovering the TRUTH about infidelity will provide comfort, set you free and help you develop
your plan of action.

All affairs are not alike.

Affairs are different depending on
• the motivation
• personality factors
• and personal history of the cheating spouse.

Once you know the type of affair you can pinpoint exactly what you can say and do to disrupt
the patterns.

Others have found this to be true…

I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of “cheaters.” I wish
I had this two years ago–would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error. You are very good at
what you do.
-Yvonne

I now have some peace of mind and a road map to follow. It was amazing how the type of
affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given
me hope that there will be a resolution. Thanks, Bob.

A friend of mine sent me your ebook on the 7 types of affairs which I read with great interest!
My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I
couldn’t believe how accurate your description was of him – he is definitely number 3 but I don’t feel he has always been which is the sad thing really.

The ebook has been most helpful. My soon-to-be-ex husband is deeply involved in a “My
Marriage Made Me Do It” affair with an unhappily married woman from his past whose
marriage “made her do it,” too… neither of them the slightest bit responsible for how their
marriages have turned out. Your book has helped me to do a better job of “charging neutral,”
which I was already doing to a great extent. We are managing to be civil, even pleasant, to
each other… and it is my goal to leave this 19-year relationship with as little baggage as
possible and get on with my life.
-Deborah

Your ebook helped me learn that I am not crazy and that Affairs are what make me feel
crazy. I can’t keep trying to make sense out of this since there isn’t any. Most important of all is not to go it alone. At first that is what I tried to do since most of my family knew about and tried
to wake me up. Now I use those same people who tried so hard before as a support. Second most
important is my new mantra I WILL MAKE IT.

In reading over the type of affair I am facing, I am #3. Everything you say is right on
target. I could not believe every word you wrote was me.
-Elizabeth

Hi my name is Jane and My friend Ray bought me your book yesterday….I fell much better
today after reading it, I am practicing the way I talk to my husband because everytime we speak
my voice drops and I sound pathetic even to myself. I am having a little trouble deciding which
type of affair he is having, I believe it is #4…but his feeling desirable with someone else also
applies

Think Marital Resolution

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 18:06:40 +0000

This continues my speaking to the distant or pulling away spouse or partner…

You are encouraged or in other ways told it is important for you to “work on the marriage.”

The underlying message is to shape up, meet the needs of your spouse, get closer and make sure that the marriage does not end.

You are perceived as the recalcitrant spouse, the uncooperative one and the bad person for not getting with the program.

You receive this message from others. And, you may believe that of yourself as well, at least to a degree that is disturbing.

You believe it is important therefore to swallow the not so nice words on the tip of your tongue or to capitulate and give in to the needs and requests of your spouse – to move close.

You must put your concerns, your confusion and your pain behind you and “work on the marriage.”

Often a polarity emerges in which you are forced to decide whether you are in or out. Perhaps your spouse asks you to make that decision. Perhaps family and friends offer their opinion to either get in or walk away.

So you think: I either must act like a wonderful spouse, even if I don’t feel like it, or I must bolt and divorce. There is no middle ground.

You also begin to compare and think in polarity of bad and good.

My life here really sucks. This is terrible. I can’t stand this anymore.

And…

There must be something better out there. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else; who truly loves, appreciates and cares for me.

And so your world becomes the witchy ugly world of your marriage and the fantasy of being with someone who truly “gets” you.

It’s all or nothing.

In your more rational moments you realize that the grass, as they say, is not always greener over there.

Statistics and other input suggest that second marriages have a very low success rate and the encounter with ugliness in your marriage will, very likely, also rear its head in a future marriage or relationship.

Here’s a tip: Think resolution not saving your marriage.

You want to resolve the crisis in your life and in your marriage.

You want resolution of your pain, emptiness and frustration.

You want to get at the bottom of your dissatisfaction, now; not later.

You do not want to go through this marital desert again…ever!

And the sooner you resolve the swirling of the marriage and the confusion in your life, the better able you will be to honor your self in the presence of your spouse, whether you choose to remain with him/her or exit.

Do not think: Can this marriage be saved?

Think: How can I resolve the pain in this relationship?

Saving the Marriage by Healing the Past

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:00:24 +0000

There are plenty of things that need to be dealt with when you are saving the marriage after infidelity. Although trust is a major issue that the couple needs to handle, it is not the only one.

A common problem in saving the marriage that a lot of couples deal with after infidelity is the negativity they feel from their partner’s words, actions or behavior. Your spouse may not be aware of it, but he or she could be saying or doing something that you see as inappropriate or wrong in some way. He or she may not even see what the big deal is when you confront him or her about it. But you just can’t let it go.

Take this simple situation for example:

Before you found out about the affair and began saving the marriage, your spouse used to give you gifts every once in awhile, usually on random days that don’t really represent any significant day in your marriage. He may send you a box of chocolates from work, or she may buy you a copy of that book you’ve been dying to read.

Then, after discovering his or her infidelity and you’ve started saving the marriage, you realize that these seemingly random gifts were actually given on the days that he or she met or went out with the other person.

How would that make you feel when you are saving the marriage?

Of course, it would make you feel tricked, and all the gifts you ever received before and after saving the marriage would now be tainted with the knowledge that they were given out of guilt and are a token of his or her infidelity.

When you get a gift from husband or wife, that thought or that feeling of betrayal creeps up and you start to remember the pain you felt when you found out about his or her affair. You only see that gift as a sign of betrayal, and not as a sign of love the way it was intended, especially while you are saving the marriage.

What can you do stop this from happening, especially now that you are saving the marriage?

Well, first of all, you have to forgive your spouse. Forgive his or her affair, and forgive all the things he or she did because of that affair. This is easier said than done, but it’s the first step to healing yourself and saving the marriage. That won’t be possible to do if you take the pain you felt and the issues you had in your present relationship. You will never be able to heal if you don’t let go.

Ask your spouse’s help in this area by asking him or her to be more sensitive to your needs. Communicate to your partner the things you need from him or her while you are saving the marriage. In this case, that you are having a hard time accepting his or her gifts as gifts of love. Explain that you always get reminded of the fact the he or she used to do it every time he or she met with the other person, and that you are having difficulty letting that go. Ask your husband or wife to try other ways of showing his or her love in the mean time, until you’ve resolved your issues with it.

You don’t have to suffer in silence, and you don’t have to deal with this alone. You and your spouse are in this together, so do not hesitate to ask for help if it means saving the marriage.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse: What You Need to Know

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 14:00:47 +0000

What are the things that you need to know to be able to tell the difference between the signs of a cheating spouse and infidelity?

Extramarital affairs and sexual encounters are not done to form or experience intimacy or some kind of relationship. These things are seen only as conquests that they can add to their lists, so it is very common and actually expected for them to have more than one other person, sometimes even at the same time. And this is one of the most common signs of a cheating spouse.

Do not expect your partner to feel guilt or remorse from his or her extramarital affairs. Cheaters usually go into affairs of the “I don’t want to say no” type, which presents different signs of a cheating spouse. For them, they see their affairs as a challenge that they welcome freely and that they would do anything to win. They want to fool around and feel that sense of excitement they get when they sneak around on you.

Another of the most usual signs of a cheating spouse is that a cheater will also surround himself with people who allow him or her to continue doing what he or she is doing. They may not necessarily be encouraging your partner to sleep around and have affairs behind your back, but they do not reprimand him or her either by telling him or her to stop. Your partner will keep being with people who don’t say anything about his or her extramarital affairs as a way to keep from acknowledging what he or she is doing wrong and from being guilty about it.

It is also very possible that you will come across one of the people your partner has had an affair with, so prepared for that. There have been plenty of situations where the other person becomes very unhappy because, as it usually is with signs of a cheating spouse, your partner promised him or her something and didn’t deliver. Coming to you for whatever reason may be a kind of retaliation on the other person’s part.

Talks about separation or divorce, or anything that will mean ending the marriage will not happen, even after you prove all the signs of a cheating spouse and he or she gets discovered of having an extramarital affair. Your partner sees himself as entitled to a lot of things. Being with whoever he or she wants to be with, mostly sexually in nature, is one thing. But then he or she also believes that you are there to provide him or her with the stability, comfort and reassurances that only family will be able to provide. And he or she will not let that go.

Unless, of course, you’ve outgrown your purpose, and you should take this literally. Most people who cheat think, as mentioned earlier, that they are entitled to certain things. One of which is a partner who is young and beautiful. This is especially true for men. So naturally, when you don’t look young and beautiful anymore and do not serve him or her a purpose, you’re out.

One last of the signs of a cheating spouse that you will see is his fear of failure. You may notice how he or she never fails, how he or she will do anything to keep from failing, even if it means breaking a few rules and hurting a few people. But when something wrong happens and your partner is caught in the crossfire, expect him or her to come running to you for comfort and strength. And he or she will expect you to be there, to have his or her back.

These signs of a cheating spouse are just some of the most common ones out there, and there are a lot more that will help you tell the difference. But not matter what of these signs of a cheating spouse you see in your partner, when you sense that something is wrong, trust your instincts and talk to your partner.

Extramarital Affair Crisis: When Is Counseling A Good Idea?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 14:00:31 +0000

There are plenty of couples who have experienced going through an extramarital affair crisis, and most of those couples who do decide to stay together and try to fix their marriages. But when is the proper time for you to get into counseling?

Couples who decide to stay in the marriage and rebuild the relationship after an extramarital affair crisis occurs usually get to a point where they realize that they need someone on the outside to help them get through their issues, and they have to decide whether to go to counseling or not. In most cases, it is the man who has reservations about going through this process. What most people don’t know is that women can be as fickle about counseling as men, too.

It is a common belief that when it comes to counseling for an extramarital affair crisis, men tend to hide or keep their feelings to themselves, and women are more open. This is mostly true, but it is not the case for everyone.

Being able to open up about one’s thoughts and feelings about the extramarital affair crisis has nothing to do with gender. Just as there are men who internalize everything, there are women as well. And in contrast, just as there are women who are open about their feelings, there are also men.

If you find yourself in a relationship where one tends to keep things on the inside more than the other, whether it is you who does this or your partner, you should find a way to break down that barrier. Counseling may not be the best idea initially, and you should look into developing your relationship into a more open one before considering that option. Addressing this barrier should be your first step in getting over the extramarital affair crisis because you can never truly move forward in fixing your marriage as long as it exists.

Facing the Consequences of Extramarital Affairs

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 14:00:33 +0000

One of the things that always becomes an issue for people who have had extramarital affairs is deciding between telling their partners what they did and keeping it to themselves, which is a decision that only they can make on their own.

But what is the real problem in this scenario? Is it really just a choice between revealing your extramarital affairs and hiding them? Or is there more to it than just that?

Obviously, the biggest fear in revealing extramarital affairs is the possibility of your spouse leaving you and getting out of the marriage. But is there a guarantee that this won’t happen anyway if you keep your affair a secret?

Here are some thoughts on possible scenarios that could occur if you decide not to reveal your extramarital affairs:

First of all, if you think it’s easy to keep something this huge from your spouse, you better think again. Secrets have a way of revealing themselves sooner or later, and secrets in a marriage have a way of destroying it little by little.

Because for you to be able to keep the secret of extramarital affairs hidden, you will have to do a lot of avoiding. And you may not be aware of yourself doing it, but your partner surely will be.

When you’re having a conversation, for example, there will be certain topics that you will stay away from of keep your partner from mentioning. And when this happens, he or she will usually notice, which will cause him or her to follow your lead and keep from mentioning those topics. You may breathe a sigh of relief and think that you dodged a bullet when this happens, but what it actually does is create doubt and suspicion in your partner which is the first step in his or her losing trust in you.

You may think that it will get easier when you’ve gotten the hang of it, or that thing will get better in time, but the opposite is actually true. The more you lie to cover up your extramarital affairs, the more you drive a wedge between you and your partner. And the more he or she will be driven away.

Don’t think that keeping your infidelity a secret will not have a price and leave you free from consequences. Think deeply about this choice, and of how you will handle either situation before finally deciding what it is that you will do about your extramarital affairs.

Mid-Life Crisis: What It Can Do to Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:00:16 +0000

Mid-life crisis and your marriage. For a lot of relationships, a mid-life crisis could lead to irrational and bad decisions regarding infidelity and other people, and eventually, to divorce.

Extramarital affairs are a possibility in every relationship or marriage, no matter how long the couple has been together. And if a disagreement, whether big or small, can cause a major fall-out in your relationship, there is a big possibility that your relationship bond was not as strong as you thought, and may even actually be nonexistent.

But is it possible to stop an extramarital affair from tainting your marriage before it even happens?

All of us know what a mid-life crisis is. Some have probably even experienced one before, or is going through one now. A lot of people in relationships and marriages who go through a mid-life crisis tend to question whether or not they could

There’s no way that you can control the actions and decisions of other people, even people who you love and love you back. But there are some things that you can do to prevent an affair from tainting your marriage. Basically, what you need to do is to focus on creating a loving, passionate and connected relationship. And if you’re trying to rebuild a broken relationship, whether it caused by an affair or by something else, always bear in mind the things that will benefit you both and will add to your lives as a couple.

Here are a few things you could try to develop a more loving and passionate bond in your relationship in the middle of a mid-life crisis:

Find something that makes you feel alive and do it. There are lots of things that could hold your interest and that could make you feel fully aware and excited about life – it’s only a matter of finding what it is. You could try to look for a hobby or an activity that both you and your partner could enjoy. Or you could find something that’s mainly just for yourself. The point is to find something that interests you and gives you joy while going through a mid-life crisis because it will make you feel good about yourself and your life and your marriage which, in turn, will make your partner feel good. Whether it is a hobby like dancing or painting or fishing, or some other kind of activity like camping, hiking or learning to play an instrument – whatever it is, make sure that you are doing it for the sake of making yourself happy and enjoy life.

Once you’ve found what it is that makes you happy, do not hesitate to share it with your partner. He or she may or may not want to try it out, find it interesting enough to take up as well, or share your enthusiasm for it, but the point is for you to share what you love with the person you love. There have been a lot of instances where, once one partner finds something he or she interested in, he or she tends to hide it from their partner because of embarrassment or selfishness. This causes secrecy that is not very beneficial or helpful in any marriage. It is not the shared interest in any activity that will keep the relationship strong anyway. It is sharing the joy and love and passion with each other. If you hide these feelings or keep them from your partner, especially when you are feeling it the most, your communication and connection is compromised and no intimacy is formed.

These things are not a sure-fire way to develop and maintain a good, loving relationship, but they do help to create a more open and passionate connection between you and your partner. Allow yourself to feel alive and good and happy and excited, and share what makes you feel this way to your partner. Let those feelings of joy and love nourish your marriage and take you together to a great and happy adventure.

Infidelity Details: Reasons Why They’re Kept Hidden

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 14:00:34 +0000

Most people want to know every single one of the infidelity details of what happened when they discover that their partner was involved in an extramarital affair. When, where, why and what happened? We all have our reasons for wanting to know and they are all different.

But what if your partner doesn’t open up about what happened in his or her other relationship with the other person? What if your partner avoids talking about the infidelity details, ignores your questions about it or even pretends that it never happened all together and wants you to do the same?

Here is a look at some of the reasons why your partner may be closed up about the infidelity details:

If your partner is involved in an “I don’t want to say no” affair, his or her needs are the priority and yours aren’t all that important. So when you ask about the affair or try to discuss infidelity details with him or her, your partner will just shut you out because he or she doesn’t see or doesn’t care how important it is for you to know unless he or she gets something out of it in return.

If your partner is having the affair as a kind of revenge for whatever reason he or she has, your need to know about the infidelity details and his or her keeping them from you is just another way for him or her to hurt you, which he or she will gladly do so to get back at you.

Maybe your partner doesn’t consciously know it or isn’t aware that he or she is hiding infidelity details for that purpose, but he or she enjoys seeing you hurt or in pain, and if not telling you will hurt you more, then he or she isn’t going to.

There are plenty of other reasons why your partner could be keeping these infidelity reasons from you, some that he or she is consciously aware of and some that he or she is not. But whatever reason your partner has for doing so, look into yourself and ask why exactly is it so important for you to know what those infidelity details are.

Trust After Infidelity: Can You Do It?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 14:00:18 +0000

The most common problem that people face once they find out that their spouse has cheated on them is deciding whether or not they are capable of forgiving their spouse and, if they do, if they are able to trust after infidelity.

The question people usually ask is if they’d be able to completely forget about their husband or wife’s affair, and if it’s possible for them to not doubt, or feel threatened or insecure whenever their spouse is away.

Restoring trust after infidelity is never a simple issue, and it won’t just go away with time without being dealt with.

The easiest way to start doing this is to intentionally make the decision to change the way you see your life, what you think you need to happen, and what you want to happen.

Reflect on what it would mean for you to trust after infidelity, and what you need from your partner for you to be able to do that. Tell your partner these things and if you decide that you want to stay in the marriage and work on your problems, then you both have to make a conscious effort to rebuild your relationship and the trust you lost.

What type of measures do you need to take to help you regain trust after infidelity? And what issues does your partner have with you that you need to address as well? Begin working on these things together and focus on trying to provide whatever it is that the other needs from you. But make sure that you don’t ignore the things that are presently happening in your relationship either.

Most people going through an infidelity crisis focus only on the actual cheating, lying and betrayal, the pain and heartache that they are going through, that they tend to forget think about what it is that they really want to happen in their life and their relationship.

No, it won’t be easy to just ignore the pain, but it’s one of the most important steps you need to take if you want to restore your relationship and rebuild your marriage and trust after infidelity.

Don’t ignore what is going on in your life as well as your partner’s. Don’t ignore or forget the problems that already exist in your marriage. Think of what it is that you need for yourself and define a limit on the things you will and will not put up with. Put your energies into getting what you want but make sure that you let your partner know what your limits are. And when you define these limits, do your best to stand by them and be true to them.

No one else is going to stand up for yourself but you. So rather than being stuck in doubt and mistrust, strengthen yourself and focus on what you want for yourself and what you need to be able to trust after infidelity.

Crisis of Divorce: The Things You Need to Get Through It

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 14:00:20 +0000

It is never an easy situation to be in when you are going through a crisis of divorce or break up. But the things you need to get through a crisis like this are easy to come by, and you don’t have to look very hard because they are already within you.

These things are honesty, courage, faith and most importantly, self-love. Having these things with you and allowing them to steer you in the right direction will help you focus and build your new life.

Honesty requires you to open yourself up to the world and allow yourself to share what is happening in your inner world or inner life with other people. Being open about what you are feeling about your crisis of divorce allows the people around you like your friends, family and especially your children to open up as well and share with you how they are feeling instead of keeping everything on the inside. Identifying those feelings and naming them specifically is a good start that will eventually lead to healing yourself and those around you.

Courage is what you need to drive you to take a step forward every day toward a new life away from your crisis of divorce. Courage pushes you to move on from the pain and stresses of leaving a past relationship and going on with your life.

Faith is knowing and believing that everything you are going through will end sooner or later, and that you will be able to get through this crisis of divorce. Believing this enables you to get through every day, knowing that you can provide for yourself and your children everything that you need.

And lastly, self love, the most important of all these things, is being able to have fortitude and kindness and acceptance for yourself and for your children, even during the worst of days. Be good to yourself, cut yourself some slack and remember that you do not have to prove anything to anyone. Live every day for yourself and your children, no one else, because no one else deserves your love and attention during a crisis of divorce.

Keep these things with you, and take them and practice them daily. Being honest, having courage and faith, and loving yourself will bring you the happiness you are hoping to have after a divorce crisis or a break up. Continuing to exercise these things will eventually make you realize that you already have the peace and strength to go through the rest of your life past this crisis of divorce you are having now.