infidelity – Break Free from the Affair

This knowledge Will Save Your Sanity and Maybe Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:07:10 +0000

Discovering the TRUTH about infidelity will provide comfort, set you free and help you develop
your plan of action.

All affairs are not alike.

Affairs are different depending on
• the motivation
• personality factors
• and personal history of the cheating spouse.

Once you know the type of affair you can pinpoint exactly what you can say and do to disrupt
the patterns.

Others have found this to be true…

I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of “cheaters.” I wish
I had this two years ago–would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error. You are very good at
what you do.
-Yvonne

I now have some peace of mind and a road map to follow. It was amazing how the type of
affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given
me hope that there will be a resolution. Thanks, Bob.

A friend of mine sent me your ebook on the 7 types of affairs which I read with great interest!
My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I
couldn’t believe how accurate your description was of him – he is definitely number 3 but I don’t feel he has always been which is the sad thing really.

The ebook has been most helpful. My soon-to-be-ex husband is deeply involved in a “My
Marriage Made Me Do It” affair with an unhappily married woman from his past whose
marriage “made her do it,” too… neither of them the slightest bit responsible for how their
marriages have turned out. Your book has helped me to do a better job of “charging neutral,”
which I was already doing to a great extent. We are managing to be civil, even pleasant, to
each other… and it is my goal to leave this 19-year relationship with as little baggage as
possible and get on with my life.
-Deborah

Your ebook helped me learn that I am not crazy and that Affairs are what make me feel
crazy. I can’t keep trying to make sense out of this since there isn’t any. Most important of all is not to go it alone. At first that is what I tried to do since most of my family knew about and tried
to wake me up. Now I use those same people who tried so hard before as a support. Second most
important is my new mantra I WILL MAKE IT.

In reading over the type of affair I am facing, I am #3. Everything you say is right on
target. I could not believe every word you wrote was me.
-Elizabeth

Hi my name is Jane and My friend Ray bought me your book yesterday….I fell much better
today after reading it, I am practicing the way I talk to my husband because everytime we speak
my voice drops and I sound pathetic even to myself. I am having a little trouble deciding which
type of affair he is having, I believe it is #4…but his feeling desirable with someone else also
applies

You Really are Normal!

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 10 Mar 2021 18:30:39 +0000

I often reflect: What is about what I do that people find so liberating and helpful?

Here’s what I think it is: I help those suffering from marriage crisis (or any crisis, really) to feel normal; they are not defective and nothing in essence is wrong with them.

To regain your self-esteem and good feelings about self, knowing that that is a true reality, is HUGE!

As a matter of fact, you don’t know how HUGE it is until you lose it. Right?

Ok. So how does that happen? How can YOU get to that point of feeling “normal” again?

Over the past 3 decades I’ve received a ton of feedback that has enabled me to grow professionally and personally. It also has been dispensable in providing lessons and modules that I KNOW will work. (Disclaimer: I would say 80-90% find it helpful. The rest need someone else. I can’t be all things to all people.)

Feedback I receive from “Break Free From the Affair” lets me know that you value the 7 types of affairs and you value understanding the misguided motives of your partner or spouse.

You respect, value and need solid reputable, insightful knowledge coming from someone who has done the research, study and clinical practice and has stuck with it over a period of time. It also helps that I’ve experienced and “worked through” my own relationship crisis.

Here are Key Points to change and moving toward feeling OK and “normal.

1 Change is not all that difficult. In reality, change is a constant – happening ALL the time. You merely want to guide it.

2 Change comes from inside and works its way out.

3 Just noticing often triggers an avalanche of change and results.

4 Seeing a checklist of polar differences offers hope and relief.

5 Knowing you can make shifts, and choose the ones you want to make, moves you out of the “stuck” victim mentality.

Glad you are here.

4 Critical Steps to Infidelity Recovery

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 14:36:51 +0000

Thousands like you, since I went online in 2001, have made it through the infidelity crisis in their marriage.

You can too.

You can survive infidelity.

But, Infidelity Recovery doesn’t happen by chance.

These thousands went through a recovery process and left nothing to chance.

And, that’s what you are looking for, correct? You want a pathway, a road that moves you out of overwhelm and confusion.

And, you need to know that this road can be trusted, a road others have traveled with success.

Those who transformed the betrayal of infidelity into a newfound confidence and trust followed very specific steps.

The resources, support and materials you need to follow are found in the Infidelity Recovery Center.

Here are the 4 Critical Steps:

First, You Must Experience Success

You must find emotional relief quickly.

You must quickly experience results, noticing changes in your self, your relationship and husband.

Without relief and results you stumble around in your pain, disconnect, your fearful thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.

I don’t want that for you, your marriage and family.

I coached a 60 year old woman consumed by anger toward her husband who had his affair some 25 years earlier.

How sad.

What a waste!

The pain and devastation of affair discovery brings up pain so deep and powerful that you automatically go back to your default ways of coping.

98 times out of 100 these default ways do not work, and in reality, make matters worse (and give your cheating husband an excuse to continue cheating.)

Articles in the Infidelity Recovery Center help you identify and understand this common and human dilemma.

Finding relief and results often mean doing something different; often opposite of what you are now doing.

This seems counter-intuitive but it works!

The “48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp,” residing in the Recovery Center offers proven and highly successful tools to help you shake things up, get on track, find relief and get results – yes, often in 48 Hours, OR less.

(I’ve received hundreds of comments from users thanking me profusely for taking away their fear and pain, offering hope and jump starting the Recovery Process.)

Second, Learn to Think Recovery, Not Affair

Where does your infidelity pain come from?

What makes it so intense, excruciating and 24/7?

Take a moment to mentally stand back and you will discover that your pain is connected to catastrophic thinking.

The pain is triggered by your mind, which in its infidelity trauma, keeps replaying negative thoughts (and frequently associated images.)

These negative and awful thoughts come from what you have absorbed and been taught about infidelity.

Unfortunately, you’ve been taught myths, half truths and downright lies about infidelity.

For example,

Affairs are about falling out of love with you and “in love” with someone else.
Affairs result from a “bad” marriage.
You did something wrong for him to “stray.”
Affairs are the result of not meeting your husband’s needs.
Affairs are about sex.

In the Infidelity Recovery Center you will learn in detail why these assumptions are NOT true.

It is imperative that you straighten out your thinking.

Once you know the reality of an affair, the catastrophic constant thinking about infidelity subsides.

Affair Recovery thinking takes its place.

The final phase of clearing your mind is to determine the type of affair, and in doing so an Action Plan emerges.

“Break Free From the Affair,” the first ebook on infidelity written by me in 2001 is found in Level 3 of the Infidelity Recovery Center. “Break Free From the Affair” has been a best seller.

“Break Free From the Affair” identifies exactly the type of affair, how long it will last and interventions that change the direction of that affair.

Once your mind has new and purposeful thinking, you are ready for Step #3.

Third, Take Charge

You are now ready to take confident, constructive and targeted action, experiment and implement your plan.

How does that sound?

Scary?

Hopeful?

Daunting?

Wondering that if you take charge, he will back away?

Here’s the key: You want to ACT and not React.

You react (which will undoubtedly push him away) when you use your old default coping ways.

By this time, with your mind clear and your heart more calm, you are ready to ACT.

In addition to implementing your plan, based on the type of affair, you focus on these two critical areas:

You focus on defining and declaring your position. This is about you; where you are, your experience and your thoughts. You convey this with calm and certitude.
The second focus is crafting powerful statements. These statement focus on him, the affair, the marriage and your situation. These statements declare TRUTH – no blaming, condemnation or judgement.

(Hint: your husband at a deeper level truly wants the TRUTH and knows that the affair is NOT the answer.)

Your path becomes clear as you identify the type of affair, state your position and craft powerful statements.

Many find personal coaching with me extremely helpful at this point in breaking out of the old default ways and experimenting with powerful new strategies that hit home and accelerate the recovery process.

Fourth, Build Trust

Will you EVER be able to trust your husband again?
Will you EVER forget his betrayal?
Will you EVER be able to give yourself, without reservation, again?

You were taught to fear. You were taught to feel inadequate. It was slammed into you from a very young age that you must perform. It seeped into every cell of your body that you were not enough.

The betrayal brings up in untold powerful ways these deeply engrained terrors. (And, BTW, your husband betrayed because he was lost in these terrors and attempted to find a way out.)

So, of course, trust becomes problematic. You NEVER want to feel/think again what you just went through.

You want to love and be loved.

But, you don’t know how. Or, you don’t know what it truly means. When love and fear mix, love disappears.

I find this true of nearly everyone of my coaching clients.

The final step of trust is forgiveness.

Now, by forgiveness, I don’t mean pardoning, letting him off the hook, putting on a back shelf what happened, or “moving” ahead with “assignments” to hopefully quick-fix your marriage.

Forgiveness is getting rid of fear-based goals. It’s learning to accept and give love at a new and deeper level.

Forgiveness = Trust.

Forgiveness is your opportunity to create a you and a relationship far richer than previously experienced.

In the Infidelity Recovery Center, I offer resources and personal coaching that move you through an 11 step process of forgiveness, the last but not final step on your recovery journey.

For more information on Infidelity Recovery and the Infidelity Recovery Center click here:

https://infidelity-recovery-center.com/member-sp-7-17/

What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 18:42:16 +0000

How do you know if your significant other is truly sorry for what s/he did?

Frequently, in my coaching sessions, I hear the betrayed spouse wanting and needing to feel that the cheating spouse is truly sorry.

In some cases it doesn’t seem genuine or enough. The following scenarios are fairly common:

The cheating spouse out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about “it.”
The cheating spouse, fearful of the feelings of the betrayed spouse may also attempt to “put it behind them.”
The betrayed spouse often is looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. That remorse often does not appear.
The cheating spouse may say “I’m sorry,” but the depth of those words are called into question.
An expression of THE apology or heartfelt remorse is often seen as a tipping point in the ability to trust now, and in the future.

Watch this video. It gives 3 great examples of apologies…

Help for the Emotionally Distant Spouse

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 22:59:12 +0000

Keys to Help the Emotionally Distancing, Pulling-Away Spouse or Significant Other… You really are NOT a Schmuck

If you are the reluctant spouse that is pulling away, wants emotional distance and is unsure, I want you to feel better: no guilt, less paralysis and less frustration. I want you to understand your dilemma so you might move ahead, wherever that takes you, in ways that honor you, your spouse and your family.

You probably have been feeling the heat: to give more, to talk more, to connect more and in general to “work on” the marriage.

But…something powerful holds you back.

You may feel angry, cold and frustrated.

Or, find yourself walking on eggshells, fearful that the smallest word will bring an eruption and a fight that will go on …and on … and on – until you capitulate, walk away or explode.

You feel tired and worn out and have given up on trying to give him/her what s/he wants.

You don’t want to touch, let alone have sex. You just can’t do it. Or, you do it with little enthusiasm.

You don’t understand. You hate it!

I’ve walked with many couples in my private practice since 1981 and I want to share some insights that might help you recover your sense of well-being, break the impasse and help resolve all that now is ugly within you and between the two of you.

1. There is ALWAYS a reluctant spouse.

Yes, one spouse always seemingly wants more (intimacy, talking, connection, time together, etc) than the other. There is ALWAYS an imbalance. Usually, but not always, it is the male who backs away or displays hesitancy.

Lisa saw me for a number of sessions, complaining about her marriage to Ted – his distance and emotional “detachment.”

Finally, Lisa was able to persuade Ted, a prominent business person in the community, to join us in a joint session. Lisa walked in the door, followed by Ted. I had this powerful impression of Ted with a ring in his nose joined to a chain that Lisa was gently but firmly yanking. Ted was not a happy camper to say the least.

And this is not unusual.

This pursuing-distancing dance is a common theme in most marriages. (It occurs most powerfully in the Yellow Marriage, one of three types of marriages I’ve identified).

One is gripped in the Yellow Marriage by the pursuing-distancing phenomenon. One spouse pursues, attempting to obtain from the distancing spouse what the pursuer believes s/he needs or wants. Of course, the more s/he pursues, the more the distancer moves away; often out of a myriad of fears and thoughts of inadequacies.

The pursuing-distancing “dance” is played over and over again, with the same results. Neither flourishes nor experiences joy in the marriage or relationship.

Fear of moving close and of truly addressing the underlying issues comes to characterize the marriage. Fear maintains the distance and the dance.

Frequently, the pursuer tires of that role and becomes the distancer. The pursuer eventually says, in essence, “I’ve had enough. I quit trying to make this work.”

The equilibrium of the marriage is upset and the distancer is upset with the change of the status, frets about losing what was and frequently becomes the pursuer.

This situation often results in a confusing, emotionally intense crazy-making-time for a couple.

Remember, the distancing-pursuing dance is NORMAL. Every marriage I’ve encountered has it. The major issues are: how intense is the dance, how often does it occur and have we found ways to change the dance?

Clues of an Emotional Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 14:00:10 +0000

What are the clues of an emotional affair?

There have been plenty of response from people who have gone through the agony of watching their partner go through an emotional affair, and they want to share with everyone some of the things they’ve learned and the signs they say you have to watch out for if you suspect that your partner is involved in one.

Here are some of the clues of an emotional affair:

1. If he starts coming home late more than usual.

2. If you notice a change in your sex life, or you don’t have sex anymore.

3. He always has an excuse to go out of the house, usually at night.

4. You have trouble communicating, or he seems to not be listening to you when you are trying to talk to him.

5. You notice that he tends to avoid certain topics when you talk, and that he is keeping secrets from you.

6. He makes or receives phone calls late at night, and he usually answers them outside or in a different room.

7. You start having fights and arguments with the slightest provocation or over the smallest issues.

8. He starts changing his appearance, or seems to care more about how he looks.

9. There always seems to be some work event that he has to attend.

10. He starts making unusual comments about your marriage or relationship that he never said before.

Emotional affairs are very tricky. They can be devastating to deal with, sometimes more devastating than a sexual affair. Many times, emotional affairs will begin with a friend or co-worker, and your spouse or partner will most likely attempt to justify their relationship with him/her. This can be very difficult to deal with, because without physical intimacy chances are they don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing, or at least they won’t acknowledge the problem. Pay attention to these clues, and more importantly pay attention to your instincts.

Remember, these are clues of an emotional affair, and even if your spouse is exhibiting one or more of the above, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are having an affair.

Infidelity Feelings: Holding On To Your Feelings During Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:00:20 +0000

How Do You Learn to “Hold Your Infidelity Feelings” when confronted with the devastation of an extramarital affair?

Most people have a hard time upon discovering that their partners are engaged in an extramarital affair. All these thoughts and feelings run through your head and you don’t know how to keep them from blowing into the surface.

One of the techniques you can do is to set aside some time where you can reflect on what you’re feeling, and think about your situation.

Here’s how you can reflect on your infidelity feelings:

1. Prepare a notebook, a pen and some kind of timer.

2. Find a place where you can be alone, where no one will be able to bother you.

3. When you begin to have intense infidelity feelings and thoughts, go that place, set your timer for two minutes, and write down everything. When you are in pain, write down where it hurts. When you have thoughts going through your mind – good or bad – write them down. When you are feeling all sorts of emotions, write them down. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t worry about the things you write. If you’re worried someone might read it, then you can throw it away after. You can do whatever you want with what you wrote. The important thing is to let out all your thoughts and feelings about what you’re going through.

4. When the two minutes are up, set aside your things. Stop writing, and go back to taking care of your other responsibilities.

5. Repeat the process when these thoughts and feelings begin to arise again.

This technique helps you by acknowledging that your feelings are there, and it also helps you go through your normal daily routines and activities without ignoring your feelings. This is often very effective for those individuals who like to write and are in reflective in nature. If it isn’t something that you think will work for you, or isn’t something that you’re comfortable doing, it’s perfectly alright. Different people need different techniques when dealing with infidelity feelings, and some other technique will probably work better for you.

Drawing the Line on Internet Cheating?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:29:01 +0000

Where does one draw the line or cross the line of internet cheating or infidelity. Explore what readers have to say:

Why is there so much porn out there! I consider myself to be a very liberal person, but my goodness! My husband has been living a double life our whole marriage.
—–
Initially, the fantasy and the pleasure of it feels good. It’s cheap, free, readily available 24/7, and you don’t need to dress up. The fantasy is more enjoyable than reality, and one thing may lead to another.
—–
I suppose I have a hard time imagining a predator type relationship between a person “looking” for a date online. I know this is the situation w/ my husband. He has continued to search for MY old girl friends, acquaintances and has indeed begun dating several of them. Because they may not live in the same town, many are unaware of his actions. I have a hard time understanding a sexual predator and their usage of the internet.
—–
The emotional scares of knowing your spouse was more intimate and shared financial information with the so called “friend”…My husband kept telling me she is only a “friend” and nothing is going on…lies! All lies….I was so trusting his freedom he had from me…
—–
How do you tell the difference between honest, innocent communication or “facebooking” and precursory or actual infidelity?
—–
I found you because I am a victim of internet cheating, so most of your material hasn’t been that helpful. I’m very excited you are going to research this area. My thoughts are: how frequently it could be happening again, and without my knowledge. For me, I believe my bf has run off the rails during our relationship because for 3 years prior, internet chat rooms and dating sites was the only way he interacted with women. He became addicted to this behavior and whenever we were having off times, he reverted back to old ways. How can I trust now that he won’t again. He promises faithfully he learned his lesson (we broke up for a month) and will never do it again. If its been addictive behavior, I’m not sure that it’s going to be that easy.

Can I Trust Again? Or…Too Much Damage?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:26:02 +0000

This is part 2 of my transcript on trust with Nat.

Her second question relates to the amount of damage and her capacity to trust and rebuild.

Nat: Part of that is, is there is a point when there’s been so much damage done that after I found out about this and with him continuing to flirt with other women, I would get so upset about the flirting even if it was innocent. Where I kind of got to the point, where I thought, there’s been so much damage done that I’m just not going to be able to trust him again, because he has this need to interact with these other women. Or is that something that we could work on?

Bob: OK. You have decided that you can’t trust him, is that correct?

Nat: Yes.

Bob: 90 percent of you has decided that you can’t trust him.

Nat: Yes.

Bob: 85 percent of you says I’m out of here. Is that correct?

Nat: Right. That’s about right.

Bob: OK. You have made a decision. Also, please know that these decisions are never a 100 percent. There will always be doubts and you’ll always question your decision probably at some level. Maybe 10, 15 percent of the time.

Nat: Right.

Bob: Is that helpful?

Nat: Yes. I think so.

Bob: Are you sure? OK, what else is going on here for you?

Nat: Well, I guess my question was, can a person get past these feelings and trust somebody after so much damage has been done. I know the answer is yes, but it seems like too much of a hurdle.

Bob: You’re asking a great question, and there’s no concrete answer for that. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and it doesn’t happen quickly. I say that trust is a function of time and predictability. In other words, he needs to be predictable over a period of time for you to feel like you can trust him. And it sounds like that’s not happening. Correct?

Nat: Right.

Bob: And rebuilding trust, I’m working hard at generating some new material on this and they’ll be coming out probably in the next six months. But you’re not alone in this. There are a high number of people who go through infidelity and the big question is, will I ever be able to trust him or her again? Or will I ever be able to trust myself again? Maybe that’s the primary question. I’ve been hurt here and can I ever entrust myself to someone else. That’s also another chunk of this.

Traditional Self Help is Limited – Part 3

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 20:51:19 +0000

Here are some responses from my readers to the list I posted previously about self help strategies (I listed 8) being limited:

I think many people, me included, know that all that lovey-dovey crap isn’t going to help them through the critical points. If we can’t make it work from day to day, taking a ‘romantic’ vacation ain’t gonna work either.
I agree with you that most of these items are only temporary fixes at best and some don’t work at all. I can say I have tried most of them in my 25 year relationship and though some helped a little, it didn’t last.
It seems easier but it is not in real life. When you really try to follow this advice, it looks artificial, false. You become more a performer, and at the end, the frustration for lack of results is even bigger. You end feeling ridiculous.
Been there done that…. I started with most of these points. I like the comment about needy. We did the dating…. Correct! The elephant was still in the room. It’s amazing to me that even though every situation is different, our emotions and actions all seem to be the same.
After trying most of the items on the list over the past year, I feel that these have not cured my devastating pain and anger nor have they helped with rebuilding love, respect, and trust I had previous to his affair. Romantic vacations and get-aways brought out increased anger and pain, as they were in hotel settings, which made me think about the sex shared by my husband and his mistress and further alienated me from him. Intimacy is a REAL problem for me.
These are the things you often hear you should do to fix your marriage. But you are right – they don’t help. The problem is that if the other one is not willing, there is not much you can do. But sure – going out regularly with your partner may prevent the problems but does not necessarily help when you have hit the rock bottom and there is the elephant in the room that no one really knows what to do about. Also – there can be the problem that I am experiencing that the other one is in a hurry of just leaving the scene because he sees everything so hopeless (and is in love with someone else = quick fix!)
Everyone says to spend more time together after an emotional affair and go out on dates and talk and talk. But you’re right that big fat elephant of the affair always goes with you wherever you go. There is no getting away from it. You can talk and talk and still not get any issues resolved. It’s emotionally exhausting with no or little improvement. I just wish the cheating spouse knew the depth of pain this caused for the other spouse and just maybe these types of emotional affairs would not happen. No one deserves to be in this deep of pain.
I completely agree with your comments to the “tried and true” common advice. I especially agree with what you say about date nights etc. being overrated and feeling forced and how that makes you feel like a failure when, as a couple, it just doesn’t work.

Recovering from an affair is difficult but you will be fine with the right infidelity help.