cheating spouse – Break Free from the Affair

This knowledge Will Save Your Sanity and Maybe Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 19:07:10 +0000

Discovering the TRUTH about infidelity will provide comfort, set you free and help you develop
your plan of action.

All affairs are not alike.

Affairs are different depending on
• the motivation
• personality factors
• and personal history of the cheating spouse.

Once you know the type of affair you can pinpoint exactly what you can say and do to disrupt
the patterns.

Others have found this to be true…

I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of “cheaters.” I wish
I had this two years ago–would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error. You are very good at
what you do.
-Yvonne

I now have some peace of mind and a road map to follow. It was amazing how the type of
affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given
me hope that there will be a resolution. Thanks, Bob.

A friend of mine sent me your ebook on the 7 types of affairs which I read with great interest!
My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I
couldn’t believe how accurate your description was of him – he is definitely number 3 but I don’t feel he has always been which is the sad thing really.

The ebook has been most helpful. My soon-to-be-ex husband is deeply involved in a “My
Marriage Made Me Do It” affair with an unhappily married woman from his past whose
marriage “made her do it,” too… neither of them the slightest bit responsible for how their
marriages have turned out. Your book has helped me to do a better job of “charging neutral,”
which I was already doing to a great extent. We are managing to be civil, even pleasant, to
each other… and it is my goal to leave this 19-year relationship with as little baggage as
possible and get on with my life.
-Deborah

Your ebook helped me learn that I am not crazy and that Affairs are what make me feel
crazy. I can’t keep trying to make sense out of this since there isn’t any. Most important of all is not to go it alone. At first that is what I tried to do since most of my family knew about and tried
to wake me up. Now I use those same people who tried so hard before as a support. Second most
important is my new mantra I WILL MAKE IT.

In reading over the type of affair I am facing, I am #3. Everything you say is right on
target. I could not believe every word you wrote was me.
-Elizabeth

Hi my name is Jane and My friend Ray bought me your book yesterday….I fell much better
today after reading it, I am practicing the way I talk to my husband because everytime we speak
my voice drops and I sound pathetic even to myself. I am having a little trouble deciding which
type of affair he is having, I believe it is #4…but his feeling desirable with someone else also
applies

4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 04 Dec 2014 16:32:03 +0000

If you are like most, you feel like a Basket Case when first confronted by infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

And, you typically engage in the 6 Killer Mistakes that Most Make that are Guaranteed to Prolong the Affair and Your Misery that I outline.

It is crucial that you address your Basketcaseitis before you can effectively confront the affair.

Using any type of strategy while in the Basketcase Mode will be interpreted, most likely, by your cheating spouse as manipulation. S/he will more likely feel pity, rage and/or resentment toward you rather than positive feelings if your neediness blasts front and center.

So, the ultimate question: How do you extricate yourself from the Basketcase Mode?

I will show you how that happens. And, it can happen faster than you possibly thought. Those who’ve poured over parts of my material email within a couple hours uttering profound thanks for the new peace and relief they feel. It does happen.

To move from the Basketcase Mode, I’ve discovered 4 shifts that must take place.

1. First, you must forget all you have ever learned about infidelity. Now, you probably haven’t formally had training on the dynamics of infidelity, (not much exists) but informally through television, romantic novels, tabloids, gossip and movies, you picked up on powerful assumptions about infidelity and affairs. And 90% of these assumptions are dead wrong. Not only are they dead wrong, they are deadly. You will learn more about the myths in “Break Free from the Affair” and by blog posts.

2. You must come to the conclusion that the infidelity or affair is his/her problem. YOU don’t have the problem. Your cheating spouse does. Very very very very few affair relationships ever become healthy. Your cheating spouse’s life is going down the tubes. And, there are very specific reasons why it’s not your life, but his/hers that is gravely at risk.

3. You must be able to stand back and see the motives and reasons for his/her temporary insanity. And, there are reasons. Affairs just don’t happen and emerge out of thin air. Lifelong patterns, in some cases, almost guarantee an affair, an affair that had its seeds long before s/he met you.

4. You must move out of the victim role and assume your personal power. This is not as difficult as it may seem. Once the top three conditions are met you will feel your power. You will know your power. I want for you to hold your head high and be able to confront in a powerful manner (using charging neutral, a skill I teach) your cheating spouse, look him/her square in the eye, so that s/he is the first one to blink.

You’re OK Exactly Where You Are

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 14:57:11 +0000

Part of the healing from infidelity and cheating is being able to “see through” the cheating behavior as the cheating spouse’s problem. Yes, this is easier said than done; especially early in the process of healing and moving on. How can this behavior NOT hook you and stir the almost unbearable thoughts and feelings?

This question was raised by a member of my Infidelity Support group.

This blog is in reference to a free report I offer called “Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy.” To get your copy of this free report, click here.

Here is the transcript. I hope it’s helpful.

Karen: Dr Robert Huizenga, I would dearly like you to explain more on your concept of the spouse not being the enemy. I have purchased and read your material and this article in particular which seems to explain away the behavior of the distancing spouse, yet for me doesn’t go near covering the destruction and devastation and at times rejection felt by those who pursue and invest in relationships. I think its very much like sleeping with an enemy and in fact from experience (both personal and in my larger circle) could recite behavior of distancing people that can only be described as nasty, vindictive, perhaps passive aggressive, but in the end very damaging to those around. I personally think I would have felt better with an enemy than my own spouse and find that this article doesn’t cover the devastation, frustration, anger and rejection felt by those that find themselves distanced and rejected.

Dr. Huizenga: Thanks, Karen. The intent of “Your Spouse in Not your Enemy” is not to diminish your pain or condone the crazy, abusive behavior or your spouse. It’s purpose is to enable you to move beyond your pain and see the crazy behavior of your spouse as his problem, not yours. And, his behavior says much more about him than you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim… and remove yourself from the victim role, not by condemning the behavior of your spouse or letting it hook your negative thinking about yourself, but seeing the crazy stuff as his crazy problem. And, then…move on with confidence and grace, not anger and rage.

Karen: Thanks Robert. I take your point on it being a hook and a negative one at that. I see it as a dance or a spiral that is difficult to break. Yes, it’s a fair point about it being about his crazy stuff and seeing it as that, his, as for years I thought I was the problem. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. The confidence and grace bit, well that’s going to take time and anger is still very much present. However yes, I take the point. When I read it my perception was that of the distancing being explained away, and yes there must be an explanation, for me though at the moment I am focused on the end result of the behavior which is a lot of hurt and pain.

Dr. Huizenga: Yeah, it is a process Karen. And you are at a particular point in that process of healing which is to be respected. BTW I like the way you grasp this and respond. That speaks very well for you.. bright… which means you will someday be able to stand back and smile…

Karen: Ah thanks! Nice to talk with you and thanks for the material, have read it all and it has helped enormously with understanding the process, the type of affair and just general knowledge of this area. I sincerely hope I can smile (more often) again.

Dr. Huizenga: You will. Remember… this too shall pass!!!!!

Karen: Thanks also for the comment on being at a particular point in the process which is to be respected. It’s very validating as sometimes those around us and in particular spouses or ex-spouses don’t respect that this is a process, takes time, we find our own way and it should at the very least be respected given what we have gone through. Cheers!

Dr. Huizenga: You are OK, just where you are!

Karen is ok exactly where she is, and so are you. Remember that.

What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 18:42:16 +0000

How do you know if your significant other is truly sorry for what s/he did?

Frequently, in my coaching sessions, I hear the betrayed spouse wanting and needing to feel that the cheating spouse is truly sorry.

In some cases it doesn’t seem genuine or enough. The following scenarios are fairly common:

The cheating spouse out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about “it.”
The cheating spouse, fearful of the feelings of the betrayed spouse may also attempt to “put it behind them.”
The betrayed spouse often is looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. That remorse often does not appear.
The cheating spouse may say “I’m sorry,” but the depth of those words are called into question.
An expression of THE apology or heartfelt remorse is often seen as a tipping point in the ability to trust now, and in the future.

Watch this video. It gives 3 great examples of apologies…

Honesty in Marriage: How You Can Heal Your Marriage by Revealing Your Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 14:00:11 +0000

Is there a difference between revealing your infidelity to your partner and allowing him or her to find out from another person or source?

Yes, there definitely is! You may think that it’s all the same, that he or she is going to get mad and upset and hurt all the same. So why put yourself in the crossfire voluntarily?

Giving yourself up and revealing your infidelity to your partner has its advantages along with its disadvantages. One of which is it allows you to plan and set up the things you are going to say and how you are going to say them. You are in control of how the news is going to be delivered, unlike when someone else does it where the possibility of it being revealed in a destructive way.

With you revealing your infidelity, you can tell your partner what you did, what happened, where and everything else that he or she needs to know, and you can say it in a way that will bring reconciliation and peace, in an open and honest way.

You will also have the opportunity to kind of prepare yourself for how your partner will react to your revealing your infidelity. You can anticipate this reaction and you will be able to steel yourself for the things he or she is going to say and do. What you need to remember is that even though you came forward and admitted what you did, it does not change the fact that it is wrong and hurtful, and a betrayal of your entire relationship. So your partner will obviously be hurt and will most likely want to try to hurt you as well. Get ready for this before revealing your infidelity.

And although these are things that are going to help you in revealing your infidelity to your spouse, you have to make sure that the reason behind this reveal is not mainly to lighten your own guilt, but because you want to improve your relationship and strengthen it.

Saving the Marriage by Healing the Past

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:00:24 +0000

There are plenty of things that need to be dealt with when you are saving the marriage after infidelity. Although trust is a major issue that the couple needs to handle, it is not the only one.

A common problem in saving the marriage that a lot of couples deal with after infidelity is the negativity they feel from their partner’s words, actions or behavior. Your spouse may not be aware of it, but he or she could be saying or doing something that you see as inappropriate or wrong in some way. He or she may not even see what the big deal is when you confront him or her about it. But you just can’t let it go.

Take this simple situation for example:

Before you found out about the affair and began saving the marriage, your spouse used to give you gifts every once in awhile, usually on random days that don’t really represent any significant day in your marriage. He may send you a box of chocolates from work, or she may buy you a copy of that book you’ve been dying to read.

Then, after discovering his or her infidelity and you’ve started saving the marriage, you realize that these seemingly random gifts were actually given on the days that he or she met or went out with the other person.

How would that make you feel when you are saving the marriage?

Of course, it would make you feel tricked, and all the gifts you ever received before and after saving the marriage would now be tainted with the knowledge that they were given out of guilt and are a token of his or her infidelity.

When you get a gift from husband or wife, that thought or that feeling of betrayal creeps up and you start to remember the pain you felt when you found out about his or her affair. You only see that gift as a sign of betrayal, and not as a sign of love the way it was intended, especially while you are saving the marriage.

What can you do stop this from happening, especially now that you are saving the marriage?

Well, first of all, you have to forgive your spouse. Forgive his or her affair, and forgive all the things he or she did because of that affair. This is easier said than done, but it’s the first step to healing yourself and saving the marriage. That won’t be possible to do if you take the pain you felt and the issues you had in your present relationship. You will never be able to heal if you don’t let go.

Ask your spouse’s help in this area by asking him or her to be more sensitive to your needs. Communicate to your partner the things you need from him or her while you are saving the marriage. In this case, that you are having a hard time accepting his or her gifts as gifts of love. Explain that you always get reminded of the fact the he or she used to do it every time he or she met with the other person, and that you are having difficulty letting that go. Ask your husband or wife to try other ways of showing his or her love in the mean time, until you’ve resolved your issues with it.

You don’t have to suffer in silence, and you don’t have to deal with this alone. You and your spouse are in this together, so do not hesitate to ask for help if it means saving the marriage.

Extramarital Affair Crisis: When Is Counseling A Good Idea?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 14:00:31 +0000

There are plenty of couples who have experienced going through an extramarital affair crisis, and most of those couples who do decide to stay together and try to fix their marriages. But when is the proper time for you to get into counseling?

Couples who decide to stay in the marriage and rebuild the relationship after an extramarital affair crisis occurs usually get to a point where they realize that they need someone on the outside to help them get through their issues, and they have to decide whether to go to counseling or not. In most cases, it is the man who has reservations about going through this process. What most people don’t know is that women can be as fickle about counseling as men, too.

It is a common belief that when it comes to counseling for an extramarital affair crisis, men tend to hide or keep their feelings to themselves, and women are more open. This is mostly true, but it is not the case for everyone.

Being able to open up about one’s thoughts and feelings about the extramarital affair crisis has nothing to do with gender. Just as there are men who internalize everything, there are women as well. And in contrast, just as there are women who are open about their feelings, there are also men.

If you find yourself in a relationship where one tends to keep things on the inside more than the other, whether it is you who does this or your partner, you should find a way to break down that barrier. Counseling may not be the best idea initially, and you should look into developing your relationship into a more open one before considering that option. Addressing this barrier should be your first step in getting over the extramarital affair crisis because you can never truly move forward in fixing your marriage as long as it exists.

Mid-Life Crisis: What It Can Do to Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:00:16 +0000

Mid-life crisis and your marriage. For a lot of relationships, a mid-life crisis could lead to irrational and bad decisions regarding infidelity and other people, and eventually, to divorce.

Extramarital affairs are a possibility in every relationship or marriage, no matter how long the couple has been together. And if a disagreement, whether big or small, can cause a major fall-out in your relationship, there is a big possibility that your relationship bond was not as strong as you thought, and may even actually be nonexistent.

But is it possible to stop an extramarital affair from tainting your marriage before it even happens?

All of us know what a mid-life crisis is. Some have probably even experienced one before, or is going through one now. A lot of people in relationships and marriages who go through a mid-life crisis tend to question whether or not they could

There’s no way that you can control the actions and decisions of other people, even people who you love and love you back. But there are some things that you can do to prevent an affair from tainting your marriage. Basically, what you need to do is to focus on creating a loving, passionate and connected relationship. And if you’re trying to rebuild a broken relationship, whether it caused by an affair or by something else, always bear in mind the things that will benefit you both and will add to your lives as a couple.

Here are a few things you could try to develop a more loving and passionate bond in your relationship in the middle of a mid-life crisis:

Find something that makes you feel alive and do it. There are lots of things that could hold your interest and that could make you feel fully aware and excited about life – it’s only a matter of finding what it is. You could try to look for a hobby or an activity that both you and your partner could enjoy. Or you could find something that’s mainly just for yourself. The point is to find something that interests you and gives you joy while going through a mid-life crisis because it will make you feel good about yourself and your life and your marriage which, in turn, will make your partner feel good. Whether it is a hobby like dancing or painting or fishing, or some other kind of activity like camping, hiking or learning to play an instrument – whatever it is, make sure that you are doing it for the sake of making yourself happy and enjoy life.

Once you’ve found what it is that makes you happy, do not hesitate to share it with your partner. He or she may or may not want to try it out, find it interesting enough to take up as well, or share your enthusiasm for it, but the point is for you to share what you love with the person you love. There have been a lot of instances where, once one partner finds something he or she interested in, he or she tends to hide it from their partner because of embarrassment or selfishness. This causes secrecy that is not very beneficial or helpful in any marriage. It is not the shared interest in any activity that will keep the relationship strong anyway. It is sharing the joy and love and passion with each other. If you hide these feelings or keep them from your partner, especially when you are feeling it the most, your communication and connection is compromised and no intimacy is formed.

These things are not a sure-fire way to develop and maintain a good, loving relationship, but they do help to create a more open and passionate connection between you and your partner. Allow yourself to feel alive and good and happy and excited, and share what makes you feel this way to your partner. Let those feelings of joy and love nourish your marriage and take you together to a great and happy adventure.

Infidelity Details: Reasons Why They’re Kept Hidden

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 04 Oct 2012 14:00:34 +0000

Most people want to know every single one of the infidelity details of what happened when they discover that their partner was involved in an extramarital affair. When, where, why and what happened? We all have our reasons for wanting to know and they are all different.

But what if your partner doesn’t open up about what happened in his or her other relationship with the other person? What if your partner avoids talking about the infidelity details, ignores your questions about it or even pretends that it never happened all together and wants you to do the same?

Here is a look at some of the reasons why your partner may be closed up about the infidelity details:

If your partner is involved in an “I don’t want to say no” affair, his or her needs are the priority and yours aren’t all that important. So when you ask about the affair or try to discuss infidelity details with him or her, your partner will just shut you out because he or she doesn’t see or doesn’t care how important it is for you to know unless he or she gets something out of it in return.

If your partner is having the affair as a kind of revenge for whatever reason he or she has, your need to know about the infidelity details and his or her keeping them from you is just another way for him or her to hurt you, which he or she will gladly do so to get back at you.

Maybe your partner doesn’t consciously know it or isn’t aware that he or she is hiding infidelity details for that purpose, but he or she enjoys seeing you hurt or in pain, and if not telling you will hurt you more, then he or she isn’t going to.

There are plenty of other reasons why your partner could be keeping these infidelity reasons from you, some that he or she is consciously aware of and some that he or she is not. But whatever reason your partner has for doing so, look into yourself and ask why exactly is it so important for you to know what those infidelity details are.

Trust After Infidelity: Can You Do It?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 14:00:18 +0000

The most common problem that people face once they find out that their spouse has cheated on them is deciding whether or not they are capable of forgiving their spouse and, if they do, if they are able to trust after infidelity.

The question people usually ask is if they’d be able to completely forget about their husband or wife’s affair, and if it’s possible for them to not doubt, or feel threatened or insecure whenever their spouse is away.

Restoring trust after infidelity is never a simple issue, and it won’t just go away with time without being dealt with.

The easiest way to start doing this is to intentionally make the decision to change the way you see your life, what you think you need to happen, and what you want to happen.

Reflect on what it would mean for you to trust after infidelity, and what you need from your partner for you to be able to do that. Tell your partner these things and if you decide that you want to stay in the marriage and work on your problems, then you both have to make a conscious effort to rebuild your relationship and the trust you lost.

What type of measures do you need to take to help you regain trust after infidelity? And what issues does your partner have with you that you need to address as well? Begin working on these things together and focus on trying to provide whatever it is that the other needs from you. But make sure that you don’t ignore the things that are presently happening in your relationship either.

Most people going through an infidelity crisis focus only on the actual cheating, lying and betrayal, the pain and heartache that they are going through, that they tend to forget think about what it is that they really want to happen in their life and their relationship.

No, it won’t be easy to just ignore the pain, but it’s one of the most important steps you need to take if you want to restore your relationship and rebuild your marriage and trust after infidelity.

Don’t ignore what is going on in your life as well as your partner’s. Don’t ignore or forget the problems that already exist in your marriage. Think of what it is that you need for yourself and define a limit on the things you will and will not put up with. Put your energies into getting what you want but make sure that you let your partner know what your limits are. And when you define these limits, do your best to stand by them and be true to them.

No one else is going to stand up for yourself but you. So rather than being stuck in doubt and mistrust, strengthen yourself and focus on what you want for yourself and what you need to be able to trust after infidelity.