Internet Cheating – Break Free from the Affair

Day After Valentine’s Day: What Really Happens in Unhappy Relationships?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 14:00:40 +0000

Here’s the truth of what really happens in unhappy relationships on the day after Valentine’s Day.

An article in USA today reported that online websites that offer free memberships are to people who are married and are in unhappy relationships, and who want to look for other married people to meet and “hook up” with say that their biggest day of the year is usually the day after Valentine’s Day. Why is this so?

One of people who runs a website just like this said that this seems to be a trend because a lot of people feel let down by their husband or wife when they don’t do anything special for Valentine’s Day, and the pressure for romance, especially on this particular day, doesn’t make things easier either. A lot of times, we spend a lot of money to try to create or force romance in our unhappy relationships and it doesn’t always work. Your partner could be surfing these infidelity websites the day after you try to do something romantic and just not know it.

Here are two factors that could be the reason behind one’s disappointment:

One is because romance is overrated and creates a kind of selfish shallowness. Novels, songs and movies usually depict romance as this thing where two people automatically know what the other wants or needs to experience, where each of them always feels special and forgets that they are merely humans, and are with merely humans, going through the same things.

This portrayal of romance and love makes it things in unhappy relationships that much harder to fix because they question their relationship when it does not show that same demonstration of love.

Another reason why we are in unhappy relationships is because we tend to focus on our personal needs instead of the needs of the relationship itself. The need to be loved, to be noticed, to be adored, the need for attention, for a adventure, for pleasure, for affirmation – these things run deep within us and are never truly set aside.

These personal needs become our basis on our partners’ actions and we tend to become frustrated and resentful and have unhappy relationships, whether consciously or not, when they are not met.

Clues of an Emotional Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 14:00:10 +0000

What are the clues of an emotional affair?

There have been plenty of response from people who have gone through the agony of watching their partner go through an emotional affair, and they want to share with everyone some of the things they’ve learned and the signs they say you have to watch out for if you suspect that your partner is involved in one.

Here are some of the clues of an emotional affair:

1. If he starts coming home late more than usual.

2. If you notice a change in your sex life, or you don’t have sex anymore.

3. He always has an excuse to go out of the house, usually at night.

4. You have trouble communicating, or he seems to not be listening to you when you are trying to talk to him.

5. You notice that he tends to avoid certain topics when you talk, and that he is keeping secrets from you.

6. He makes or receives phone calls late at night, and he usually answers them outside or in a different room.

7. You start having fights and arguments with the slightest provocation or over the smallest issues.

8. He starts changing his appearance, or seems to care more about how he looks.

9. There always seems to be some work event that he has to attend.

10. He starts making unusual comments about your marriage or relationship that he never said before.

Emotional affairs are very tricky. They can be devastating to deal with, sometimes more devastating than a sexual affair. Many times, emotional affairs will begin with a friend or co-worker, and your spouse or partner will most likely attempt to justify their relationship with him/her. This can be very difficult to deal with, because without physical intimacy chances are they don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing, or at least they won’t acknowledge the problem. Pay attention to these clues, and more importantly pay attention to your instincts.

Remember, these are clues of an emotional affair, and even if your spouse is exhibiting one or more of the above, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are having an affair.

Drawing the Line on Internet Cheating?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 14:29:01 +0000

Where does one draw the line or cross the line of internet cheating or infidelity. Explore what readers have to say:

Why is there so much porn out there! I consider myself to be a very liberal person, but my goodness! My husband has been living a double life our whole marriage.
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Initially, the fantasy and the pleasure of it feels good. It’s cheap, free, readily available 24/7, and you don’t need to dress up. The fantasy is more enjoyable than reality, and one thing may lead to another.
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I suppose I have a hard time imagining a predator type relationship between a person “looking” for a date online. I know this is the situation w/ my husband. He has continued to search for MY old girl friends, acquaintances and has indeed begun dating several of them. Because they may not live in the same town, many are unaware of his actions. I have a hard time understanding a sexual predator and their usage of the internet.
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The emotional scares of knowing your spouse was more intimate and shared financial information with the so called “friend”…My husband kept telling me she is only a “friend” and nothing is going on…lies! All lies….I was so trusting his freedom he had from me…
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How do you tell the difference between honest, innocent communication or “facebooking” and precursory or actual infidelity?
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I found you because I am a victim of internet cheating, so most of your material hasn’t been that helpful. I’m very excited you are going to research this area. My thoughts are: how frequently it could be happening again, and without my knowledge. For me, I believe my bf has run off the rails during our relationship because for 3 years prior, internet chat rooms and dating sites was the only way he interacted with women. He became addicted to this behavior and whenever we were having off times, he reverted back to old ways. How can I trust now that he won’t again. He promises faithfully he learned his lesson (we broke up for a month) and will never do it again. If its been addictive behavior, I’m not sure that it’s going to be that easy.

Internet Fantasies and Cheating

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:24:28 +0000

More comments from readers. Note the pain and ambivalence in the last reader.

The fantasy of it all, and the ease with which one can “pretend” to be anyone at all without face to face contact or daily interactions as in a normal relationship. So does the internet cheater truly fall in love with their online cheater? Or is it the fantasy and the ease of sustaining it via the internet that causes the emotional infidelity?
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After it has occurred and evolved into my wife leaving and beginning a relationship with her boyfriend of 23 years ago – what can I do to get her back?
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Firstly, I want to say that this email of yours is very pertinent to me! My husband was contacted by an ‘old girlfriend’ on Facebook! …… and it went from there! My concern is that Facebook appears to be emerging as a particularly insidious mode of communication. It would appear that insecure or vulnerable people are ‘picked off’ or allow themselves to be sucked in because this is, in the beginning a reasonably easy way to get to know someone without the face to face awkwardness that goes with actually meeting someone. One can act out one’s fantasies on line and have the opportunity to sever communication without complications if one chooses to do so. No wonder the fantasies often end up going further into the “How far can I take this?” scenario.
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My life was controlled by my mother,she chose who my friends would be, including male friends. I always listened and never disobeyed. Because of this control, I never was allowed to chose for myself. I eventually married (her choice, not mine) I loved my children and was a good mother, but my husband and I did not get along that well. My children have left the nest and now I am lonely. I wanted to have someone to chat with or e-mail. I was approached online with a man from another country, who also wanted a pen pal only. We both agreed we would not cross any boundaries, that were not appropriate. Everything, was fine for a while. Then he mentioned that he had feelings for me, but that we would never ever meet each other. I should have paid attention to the doubts that were beginning to form, but I dismissed them. He was praising me with compliments, that I never received from my husband. He was married also and educated more than I. I was flattered by his attention. But toward the end, he wanted a cyber affair with me. I refused his offer. I was very hurt because he thought I would actually consent to his wishes. I was starting to care for him very much. Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Social Media and Cheating

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 14:20:05 +0000

When is the line crossed in social media whereby infidelity or an affair begins? Please read comments from readers and leave a comment.

What are they saying about current spouse to others? What is marriage coming to because of easy access to opposite sex. Why get or stay married if it’s all based on lies? Why don’t they make up sites to spy on cheaters? Why not make a website that would allow people to pay for private investigation services. This would expose the truth about what is going on online social networks.
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I think that my husband is on the look out for soemone better out there. I found out he has been involved w/ dating sites in secret since about 2005. I had no idea. He was very good at lying and keeping secrets. It makes me feel that I cannot compete w/ every woman in the area and that he does not love me. An affair eventually started w/ a work mate. They made sites and had each other as friends and the sites were secure so no one else could see. It was purely for the IM experience. Then they got I-phones for Christmas and the sextexting began and soon a sexual relationship that went on for over a year before I found out.
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I know! My husband got involved with his highschool sweetheart-through the classmate site. She emailed him through this site. She was going through a divorce and wanted to see what my husband was doing. As you stated-it started with emails back and forth, then to phone calls (cell phones make this easier too)-to eventually seeing one another. What do I think about it? It is alot easier with internet to reconnect with old loves. Before this happened-I never gave it a thought.
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If your spouse NEVER contacts anyone, yet creates a slightly exaggerated online profile–that identifies himself as “single”– and receives “available singles” bulletins in his inbox from that site, IS IT CHEATING? (I say yes and that is why we are in trouble. He has taken a professionally-proctored lie detector test and I had an expert forensic computer examine his computer to verify that he has never done more than this.)

Discovering Internet Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:16:02 +0000

More responses from the survey. Leave your comments below, please.

My wife has had an ongoing affair that fits the profile of “immature relationship – unfinished business” with a guy she met at a party who “friend-ed” her on Facebook. This forum allows her to communicate with him in a manner that allows her to keep her married life separate from her fling. I think she does this because, when faced with my finding the data (she seems to think that computers are magic, and I’m an electrical engineer) and evidence of her interactions, feels guilty.
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When I think of internet cheating, I often think of my ex-husband. He proceeded in this for several years. Each time he got caught, he said “never again”. But the minute I let my guard down, he was at it again. It was very easy to catch him, as he sometimes left his email open to that exact email for the world to see. It was almost like he was wanting to get caught.
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How can he say he is happy with me but actively pursue someone online? How can he expect me to trust him after he has cheated online ? Why does he not understand that porn is cheating too?
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Why if you have your wife/husband in the flesh do you live with sexual immorality in a fantasy world then to commit it in reality – only later to be shocked by the consequences of the hurt that adultery and the effects of this addiction causes. Internet cheating IS a form of adultery, shameful and wrong and the fact that is hidden shows it’s an addiction and we know that deception is the driving force of addiction so there are very real issues involved with very real consequences. Thank you for this survey. God bless.
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Is there a way I can find evidence of his cheating? I see many occasions when he has clicked onto the chat site (web history), but do not have any evidence of his filling in his details and communicating with the women. He is a compulsive liar, but I do not like to accuse in case – just this once – he is actually telling the truth.

Online Cheating Questions

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 14:10:03 +0000

My survey stirred a great response with many questions. Feel free to leave comments below to some of these questions:

I believe that any effort to rekindle old “friendships” or forget new ones online (as by any other means) should be shared, at least in so far to divulge it is happening, with a “significant other” — whether married or not. What say you?
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My husband and I are recovering from his internet cheating. He claims that he would never have started his online fling with an old school classmate if things were not already bad in our marriage. I wonder if he had not met this woman online, would he have eventually spoken to me about the issues in our marriage? I found out by figuring out his password and going in to his Facebook account. At first he said I was invading his privacy. Eventually, he befriended the woman and severed all contact with her, but still communicates with other former classmates. Should I be concerned that the pattern will repeat, or can I trust that now that he and I are communicating and working on our relationship, this will not happen again?
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How do you tell the difference between- “just friends” and something more? What should be the normal “internet” boundaries for someone in a committed relationship? Is it okay to check your spouse’s email, internet history, etc? Should committed couples share internet passwords? Does the other person ever understand the damage they cause? What if the other person tries to make friends with the uninvolved spouse?
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FINALLY!!!! There is NOTHING OUT there that deals with this!!!! That’s where we’ve been for 10+ years! I’ve noticed that my husband can’t make a commitment to anyone in person, men or women, me included, but online, whoa…look out he’s there for everybody!
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My husband found his mistress on an online dating site. when he left me (separated but still not divorced) I hooked up with a guy from online too (via Facebook). It’s too easy to feel like it isn’t really cheating because that person isn’t sitting there next to you, but it’s a short step to moving things to the real world and then developing an attachment that is very hard to break with that person. My husband is still struggling to let go of his mistress.

Internet Cheating Comments and Stories

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 14:04:31 +0000

Many of my readers responded to a survey on internet cheating with questions. Please note:

My husband had 3 affairs that way with internet, email sex and 3 others looking for men for his virginal trust with another man…I have no questions only answers to yours…I have become an expert at internet cheating on and off the web.

“Going back” through Facebook maybe subtly motivated to redo the pain and loss of that period in life. Why would someone do that. What is the underlying reason when you kinda know that you can’t go back and change anything. Everyone is a piece of your past and help in creating who you are. When I think about internet cheating, I basically think of having a cyber relationship with the opposite sex that is more than the occasional how are you. Flirting, sending drinks, pokes, gifts etc… I think when you really look forward to talking to that person than it’s a problem. I see a friend doing it now. You get hooked. As far as friends, it’s great seeing old classmates.

Are their blockers to stop the cheater from logging on and ways to track where they go and who they talk to? How can we as the betrayed spouse help our cheaters to detox from the effects of an online affair?

My husband conducted an affair partially over the internet. He was seeing and emailing a coworker. This ended with his asking for a divorce, leaving and then returning to attempt to repair our marriage. I have always respected his privacy and individuality to find it was a mistake. About six months ago he was contacted by an old high school girlfriend on Facebook. At first I continued to be naive. I saw no harm in old friends seeking each other out now that it is so much easier. Then I became aware that this had been an intense sexual relationship. A fact he had not initially disclosed. It was then that I realized that he stills harbors the potential to stray into this seductive zone. I believe he has since given me all the facts and he has limited his Facebook account to only family. We are 50 something and I still struggle with the ease at which these infidelities can be hidden. I fear for the younger generation in earlier stages of marriages etc. We had been together 24 years when all this began.

How similar is this to having a relationship with someone through text messaging. My husband and the other woman sent thousands of text messages to each other, but did not have a relationship on the internet. Their relationship was texting.

Stories, Questions and Concerns Regarding Internet Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 13:58:47 +0000

Here are more questions and concerns from readers about internet cheating and infidelity. I’d appreciate your comments and opinions regarding the following scenarios (or your own scenario involving internet cheating). How would you answer these questions? Have you experienced internet infidelity? If so, how did you handle it? How do you feel about the internet, social networking and trust?

Facebook affair w/ old high school fling is exactly what my wife did. She was hooked before she knew what hit her. Her emotional affair eventually led to a physical affair even when I was aware of the emotional affair and attempting to save the marriage. We have been together 20 years, have 4 kids and both work full time. It has ruined our family. We are trying to reconcile but it’s been a month and I know she has stronger feelings for him than me (although I know it’s not real love). My question is: is there anything I can do to help her get over her feelings for the OP?
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I had an affair that started with an email from a first love in high school. 40 years later I met up with him and it was a pure hell experience. Wish I had seen that website that warns these kind of hookups are very unwise if married. We both were.
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My wife seems to have a compulsion for talking to guys while playing games. It always starts friendly then she ends up “falling in love.”
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What is an appropriate way to keep up with old friends from high school and college without creating a risky situation? How can my spouse and I communicate about internet usage to create a climate of trust? How can we be accountable to each other in using the internet?
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It’s desperate, mean, hateful, and cruel. Not only is the cheating spouse trying to hook up with someone sexually or other, but they are lying about everything and deceiving more people. Such insecure and childish behavior angers me.
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Why do we turn a “blind eye” to the obvious? I saw the Skype icon on my wife’s computer and didn’t even bother to check out what Skype was.

Please leave your comments and feedback below…

The Power of Internet Cheating

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 13:54:01 +0000

Internet “cheating” is rampant. The tools are many and varied. The results are sometimes sad. I asked my readers to comment on their experience with internet cheating. Here are just a few of the responses:

My marriage fell victim to internet cheating. I think internet cheating is an easy way. You can say, be and do anything you want, your hiding yourself from the outside world, perhaps people who do it use it as a safety net. They can find someone that they click with and lay the groundwork for another relationship just in case the one they are supposed to be committed to doesn’t work out.
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My wife started her affair via text messaging with a co worker. Then it moved to Facebook and email. Now it is a full physical affair and we are getting divorced. I monitored the affair through his and her texts and computer logger to know the truth. Took about 8 months to collapse our marriage.
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How will I ever get over my husband’s internet cheating and how can I ever trust him again when he tells me it is over?
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My husband used Classmates.com to look up high school friends, then called them to locate his old HS sweetheart. Hundreds of texts, hours of conversations in less than a month lead to them meeting in person – all of which was denied. Took him almost 2 yrs before admitting what he did was wrong (his 1st affair was 10 yrs before & found he’d been in email contact with her all those years too). He thinks because sex wasn’t involved (it was only kissing and touching) that it wasn’t the same. How can he lie to himself like that? He knew it was wrong or else I’d been part of the process (I’d suggested he contact her for years since there was a possibility they had a daughter together & supposedly he found out she wasn’t his child). This lead to all other problems (he left our joint business with less than 24 hrs notice & took a job with one of our major clients – he worked there 2 yrs & was just laid off from there 6 months ago). So now after 4+ years, of evasion, avoidance, and blaming me (I was depressed for a while before his affair cause he’d withdrawn so much & I was at my wits end), I’m just not sure why I’m bothering to accept his behavior. If I followed his lead, we would never talk about anything important and I should just accept everything at face value and just move on as if nothing is wrong. I guess I just don’t understand his behavior.
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My partner thinks it “doesn’t mean anything” …..to me it is as bad as physically cheating because it is in his mind. He is addicted to it – at one point he had 107 different women he was communicating with – telling each the same story – I tried to “handle” it but in the end it was best for my mental health to walk away. The stuff on the internet has allowed many who would have never strayed before to test the waters and ruin many good relationships. I just think there aren’t that many “strong willed” people anymore who can be satisfied with one monogamous relationship. Sad to say. But I am happier now as I don’t have to always be “wondering”.