Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need to know the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. The reasons for these questions are examined in my first article on this subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong."
You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walks away, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you, denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away from knowing what really happened. There are predicatable reasons why this happens. Here’s some of them:
1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don’t want to say no" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in his own ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize the behavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitled to get his needs met this way. After all, he is such a magnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns really don’t matter! He doesn’t want to talk about them and sees absolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is important to you.
2. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I can’t say no" affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond to your need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at one level, her actions becoming more and more destructive and degrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, that she has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shame follow the infidelity with self-promises to break off the behavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She is ashamed for you to know this struggle.
3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. He wants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in his consciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment and anger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks: "Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end. I’ll continue this for a while…and secretly enjoy her torment. I won’t give her the satisfaction of responding in a caring way to her needs."
4. Your partner/spouse is involved in an affair with the intent upon proving her desireability. In some cases where there is a history of sexual abuse as a child, or rape as an adult, your partner may compartmentalize the "affair" to the degree that she might not consciously remember the details or events of her infidelity. The infidelty may serve in a pre-conscious fashion as an attempt to amend for the painful sexual history. She may NOT indeed remember what you ask for.
5. Your partner/spouse is involved in affairs such as: " I fell out of love" or "My Marriage Made Me Do It" or "I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy." Often, the infidelity in these cases represents the need to deal with dependency issues. By that I mean, your partner may define himself in terms of how others respond to him rather than his inner values, standards, purpose, etc. This person’s life is wrapped around others. And his life is still wrapped around you. You want to know. He doesn’t tell you… for fear of "hurting you" or becoming embroiled in pain or conflict from which he cannot seemingly extricate. What you (or others) think, feel and how you respond are TOO important to him.
As you see, the reasons for not getting the information you need for your own sense of validaton and acknowledgement are varied and fairly complex. Allow yourself to stand back and examine the themes and patterns you encounter. With the power of this knowledge you gain the freedom to use different strategies and tactics to work toward resolution.
Sometimes a broken marriage can’t be healed, no matter how hard you try. If you are considering getting a divorce, you need to learn what to expect along the way.
For women, I recommend this site dedicated to helping them take control of their divorce. With practical strategies for coping with all areas of this uncertain time, you will find comprehensive information on the legal, financial, and emotional aspects of divorce, as well as tips for starting over and rebuilding your life. You don’t have to go through your divorce alone. Get the support you need by visiting WomansDivorce.com.
Are you wondering what you should do? Stay? Go? Ask him/her to Go? There is often a "knee-jerk" response when confronted with the extramarital affair. Feelings of hurt, anger, rage, sadness, disbelief predominate.
"Should You Stay or Should You Go?" is an "action book" filled with hundreds of questions, stories and insights that will help you consciously determine whether to stay in your present relationship or to move on.
In this book we take you through a powerful process of discovery about yourself, your partner and your relationship. By going through this process, the decision about what’s best for you actually reveals itself to you. Click on the link above for more information.
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for a coaching package.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
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Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.
Thinking of family or friends who might benefit from this Newsletter? If so, click here and recommend this page to them.
- Charging Neutral
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- Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts
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- Types of Affairs
- 4 Critical Steps to Infidelity Recovery
- How to Respond to Your Children when Your Marriage is Rocked by Infidelity, Fear, Threats of Divorce or an Emotional Crisis
- I Went over the Edge and Anger Became Rage
- My Spouse Refuses to Work on Rebuilding the Marriage
- He Tells Me He Loves me AND HER
- When Will He Get Out of the Affair Fog?
- Should I Confront my Cheating Spouse’s Enabling Friends?
- What Does Withholding Sex Mean?
- I’m Tired of Trying to Save the Marriage by being a Better Person
- He Feels Obligated to be with Me and I Hate it
- Cheating Husband’s Emotional Attachment to Sister
- What to do with a Husband who has Emotional Affair with Co-worker
- Why Won’t he Talk about the Affair?
- The Affair Shows Disrespect for Our Children
- After the Affair, He Shuts Down
Surviving the Affair5 Recovery Steps
How to Stop the Affair
Your Power - Types of Affairs
It's NOT Your Fault!
What To Do?!
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Ask the CoachWon't Stop Seeing the OP: Needs Patience
Is This Internet Cheating?
An Internet Affair...Again?
But, We're "Just Friends"
The Price of a Secret
What to Do When There's a Child
S/he Had the Affair! Why Do I Need to Change?
ArticlesDo You Really Want to Save the Marriage?
Marriage After Infidelity
Relief From Marital Infidelity: knowing the 7 Kinds
Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends
Signs of a Cheating Spouse and Infidelity - "The Need to Know"
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair - What Everyone Needs to Know
Sexually Addicted? 10 Important Questions to Ask
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
More Articles on Surviving Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
Marital Infidelity Archive
Marital Infidelity Archive 2
Infidelity Archive 3
Infidelity Archive 4
Infidelity Archive 5
Other Articles on Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs
Other ResourcesSelf Care: Key to Infidelity Recovery
Getting Physically Fit: Great Online Help
Solutions for a Sexless Marriage
Protect Your Home and Family: Mortgage Answers
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