Surviving Infidelity – Break Free from the Affair

Infidelity: How Do You Get Rid of the Pain?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 17:50:16 +0000

I don’t want to go into detail regarding the fact that you feel pain.

YOU FEEL the PAIN!

It is a given.

It is real.

It consumes your days and destroys sleep at night.

Hands down, the discovery of infidelity rocks you and your marriage to the very core.

After spending tens of thousands of hours over the past 30 plus years with people like you, suffering from the discovery of infidelity, I am sure of one thing: there is only one event that may possibly generate more pain and that is the death of your child.

For the Next Month

For the next month focus on lessening the pain by giving thought and action to:

Knowing that your pain is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.

Begin to deprogram and relearn what you think you picked up along the way about infidelity and marriage. (Misunderstanding from well intentioned people adds fuel to your pain.)

Surround yourself with those who “get it” and “get you!”

Now, I’m here to help you with these three steps.

Immediately below is a short snippet taken from one of my early ebooks on infidelity, “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

In “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” I addressed the top 10 questions about infidelity.

How do I get rid of the pain is the second question.

Pay attention to ways to get rid of the pain in the next few paragraphs.

How You Get Rid of the Pain

Don’t Fight It!

Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there.

For example, you’re in the process of losing your world, or a great portion of your world. Your sexual identity is at stake here. You wonder about yourself as a person, as a sexual person.

So, you’re going to have pain. And as well, you feel ripped off. You feel like someone has invaded that which is sacred and that which is private. You feel like you’ve been raped.

In every sense of the word your pain is normal. It’s OK. It’s there.

Your Pain is Telling You Something

The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something.

Your pain is distress, saying to you, “Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.”

Pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, “What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?”

Deprogram and Learn the TRUTH about Infidelity

Another way to get rid of the pain is to learn about infidelity. Now, most people don’t know much about infidelity at all, other than what you see on TV, or in romantic movies, or over the grocery counters in tabloids. So dig in, and learn a lot about infidelity.

I have people write me, email me, talk to me, and call me constantly about how they felt relief.

They felt the pain kind of fade away once they read my eBook “Break Free From The Affair,” and discovered that there’s seven kinds of affairs, and affairs are very complicated.

In a particular kind of affair you can do certain things, and in other kinds of affairs you employ other tactics. Relearning is extremely helpful in opening a whole new world and minimizing the pain.

Surround Yourself with Those Who “GET IT” and “GET YOU”

Get support. I have a support group online, and every so often people email me again to say, “the group almost literally saved my life,” or “the support group has really, really helped me because I no longer feel like I’m alone in this awful, terrible process.”

Seek out support wherever that may be for you.

This is Weird, but a Kitchen Timer Soothes the Pain

A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer. Set it for two minutes.

When you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil

and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling.

When the two minutes are up, put it aside. Say to yourself, “OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”

And later on, 5, 10 minutes, two hours later, when you start to feel that pain again, get your timer and go through the same process. It will give you a sense of being in control of the pain, acknowledging the pain and seeing the patterns of the pain.

Seek Appropriate Professional Help

If you’re really, really scared, and if the pain seems overwhelming and you’re fearful you

might kill yourself, or you have those thoughts and you’re not sure that you can control those thoughts, seek professional help.

See your doctor. See a psychiatrist. See a psychologist. There’s nothing wrong with temporarily addressing the pain in your life through a professional.

Don’t let the pain control your life.

The pain will, as you relearn, as you seek support and as you reach out, over time lessen in intensity, frequency and you will have new tools to make that happen.

If you want more information on the healing process I suggest you purchase a copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

“The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” contains a wealth of practical wisdom, I’ve accumulated by working as a specialist in treating infidelity.

Here’s just part of what you will learn:

Part 1: Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with LOVE.

Part 2: Infidelity does NOT mean something is wrong with your marriage.

Part 3: Why infidelity is subtly encouraged in Western Culture

Part 4: Why you are NOT the victim; the victims are your cheating spouse and the other person

Part 5: The Origins of Basket-caseitis and How it Fades

Part 6: What You can Do for You that No one else Will

Part 7: The Stages in a Marriage and When it is Most Vulnerable to an Affair

Part 8: The Value of Thinking Small

Part 9: Decision Making

Part 10: Why it’s NOT Your Fault

Part 11: Stopping the Affair is NOT What You Think

Part 12: 8 Places Where you Jump into the Healing Stream

Read How Others Found Relief from the Pain

Now is the time to being the healing. Click this button to get your copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

I look forward to working with you.

The best,

Bob

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Struggling with the Pain of Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 20:10:32 +0000

A member of my Facebook Infidelity Support Group shared a beautiful post yesterday, in which she has challenged group members to ask themselves some tough, yet important questions. This group member is someone who has come a very long way since the discovery of her husband’s infidelity. She has endured the pain and heartache associated with extramarital affairs, and she has come out a much stronger and more insightful person (as many do).

She has given me permission to share her post. Please read the following thoughtful words from someone who has been there. Someone who has taken a devastating situation and used it to grow and learn about herself. I’m thankful to my group member for her exceptional post, and her contribution to my group and its members.

Following is her inspiring post:

“I come here to read posts everyday. I pray a lot for every person affected. I went through this nearly 8 years ago. My marriage of 34 years ended this past June.

There are many people here in very different places. I wish I had a “One Size Fits All” type of post to share. I don’t. All I can try to do is to get you to think deeply about the situation you find yourself in and ask a few questions. YOU have the answers … They are buried beneath all that hurt, anger and grief.

I challenge you to get in a quiet place and ask yourself a few hard and tough questions that will affect you (and your children) as you move forward.

There is an uncertain road to healing ahead of you. Affirm yourself and ask:

1. What are YOU worth?

2. What will happen if I stay? What will happen if I leave?

3. Have you identified and owned your part?

4. What has changed within you?

5. What do YOU want YOUR future to look like?

6. What do you do about “Self Care?” Are you eating good, nutritious foods and exercising? How are you sleeping at night?

7. How is your Self Image? (The role of victim should NOT be your role) Our self image has taken a big hit when infidelity occurs. What other roles do you play each day that you are great at doing?

8. Where does your support come from? This group is a great start. Keep in mind that “Hurt People, hurt people.” There is a lot of hurt flowing here. There is also a lot of healing here along with great advice and encouragement.

I had come to realize that with our empty nest, my identity (codependency) was in being “his wife” – I am certain that was suffocating from his point of view. I did a lot of inner work, got counseling, went back to school, and I became a life coach. I have started traveling … I just got back from horseback riding on the beach. I surround myself with healthy people now. I have a great relationship with my kids and I have found my inner peace.

I take long walks and I talk to God everyday. I am learning about a thing called “Surrender” – It has not been easy, but I am making progress as I go along. Although we are divorced, I treat my ex with love and respect when I see him. It took me some time to get here too.

I hope nobody gets offended by this post. I am not trying to tell anyone how to feel or what to do. Each situation is as different as the unique set of people here. I just wanted to simply ask that you make some time for YOU. To put the hurt, anger and sadness aside for about an hour and really think about your future.

In my case, my ex had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. My heart got harder with each and every one. I finally got to that place called forgiveness and it changed “ME” – not him.

His affair woke me up to the woman I have always wanted to become. I should thank him one day!

Sometimes God breaks our heart for what is breaking His.

God Bless each and every one of you throughout your healing journey.”

I encourage you to take take her advice and set aside an hour to ask yourself these questions. Reflect upon where you are now and where you want to be.

21 Life Lessons from an Infidelity Survivor

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 07 Apr 2015 19:54:20 +0000

I have an amazing Infidelity Support Group on Facebook, in which members join to both heal themselves and help others heal. It’s truly a remarkable group of people.

From time to time I stumble upon a post that really resonates with me. This happened the other day, so I asked my group member for permission to share his post as a public blog. As a huge contributor to the group, he has agreed to allow me to share his invaluable advice. I believe visitors to my blog who are dealing with the pain of infidelity will really benefit from his words of wisdom.

Following is his insightful post:

“My wife has had numerous affairs since 2009. It has been absolute hell for myself and my kids. Our marriage won’t survive all of this.

Here is what I have learned since that time. I wish I could have learned it sooner, but that isn’t how life works:

1. You can’t make someone love you.

2. You can’t force someone to do the right thing.

3. All the ‘hoping’ in the world won’t change another person.

4. At some point ‘hoping’ will keep you stuck. You must take action.

5. People will treat you the way you allow them to.

6. It is normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse.

7. A good marriage requires you to stay connected to your spouse.

8. People change over time and so do our hopes and dreams. We need to embrace that rather than fear it.

9. Secrets kill a relationship.

10. Foster an environment where you can share without fear of judgement.

11. You can never trust someone 100%.

12. Don’t rely on someone to ‘fill you up’ that is your job.

13. Love is a risk worth taking.

14. Forgiveness is for you. You will forgive when you’re ready and it can take a long time to happen.

15. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. It does us no good to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy and dead.

16. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re a bad Christian or have failed.

17. We will attract those who are on our level of emotional health. Keep in mind we attract certain folks for a reason. If you don’t like the people you end up with you need to work on YOU.

18. We all have a role in the breakdown of any relationship.

19. Infidelity hurts like hell but if you’re open to learning from it you’ll come out a stronger, wiser person.

20. It’s easy to remain a victim but it takes strength to take responsibility for how your life will be. Don’t give that power to another person.

21. Our spouses will fail us at some point but God is faithful always.”

I urge you to read these words with an open mind, as they are straight from the mouth of someone who has lived through and survived the nightmare of infidelity.
Click the banner below to find out more about my Infidelity Support Group:

4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 04 Dec 2014 16:32:03 +0000

If you are like most, you feel like a Basket Case when first confronted by infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

And, you typically engage in the 6 Killer Mistakes that Most Make that are Guaranteed to Prolong the Affair and Your Misery that I outline.

It is crucial that you address your Basketcaseitis before you can effectively confront the affair.

Using any type of strategy while in the Basketcase Mode will be interpreted, most likely, by your cheating spouse as manipulation. S/he will more likely feel pity, rage and/or resentment toward you rather than positive feelings if your neediness blasts front and center.

So, the ultimate question: How do you extricate yourself from the Basketcase Mode?

I will show you how that happens. And, it can happen faster than you possibly thought. Those who’ve poured over parts of my material email within a couple hours uttering profound thanks for the new peace and relief they feel. It does happen.

To move from the Basketcase Mode, I’ve discovered 4 shifts that must take place.

1. First, you must forget all you have ever learned about infidelity. Now, you probably haven’t formally had training on the dynamics of infidelity, (not much exists) but informally through television, romantic novels, tabloids, gossip and movies, you picked up on powerful assumptions about infidelity and affairs. And 90% of these assumptions are dead wrong. Not only are they dead wrong, they are deadly. You will learn more about the myths in “Break Free from the Affair” and by blog posts.

2. You must come to the conclusion that the infidelity or affair is his/her problem. YOU don’t have the problem. Your cheating spouse does. Very very very very few affair relationships ever become healthy. Your cheating spouse’s life is going down the tubes. And, there are very specific reasons why it’s not your life, but his/hers that is gravely at risk.

3. You must be able to stand back and see the motives and reasons for his/her temporary insanity. And, there are reasons. Affairs just don’t happen and emerge out of thin air. Lifelong patterns, in some cases, almost guarantee an affair, an affair that had its seeds long before s/he met you.

4. You must move out of the victim role and assume your personal power. This is not as difficult as it may seem. Once the top three conditions are met you will feel your power. You will know your power. I want for you to hold your head high and be able to confront in a powerful manner (using charging neutral, a skill I teach) your cheating spouse, look him/her square in the eye, so that s/he is the first one to blink.

7 Powerful Steps you MUST Take to Recover from Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 14:35:31 +0000

Here’s a basic outline of general steps I’ve seen thousands take over the past years as they face and recover from the affair.

Briefly, here’s a skeleton, my beginning point, for the 7 steps to affair recovery.

1. You discover the affair and you are in shock. Enough said.

2. As you move through the shock and become more alive, you begin to make two huge mental shifts.

First, you learn about infidelity and that it truly is an act of temporary insanity which has little to do with you.

Second, from that first awareness, you begin to firmly believe and feel that you are not at fault. You are not defective!

As a side note from one of my readers:

“Dr. Bob, when I went to see my physician for some medication to help me cope, he offered that I needed to go home and figure out what my husband was getting from the other woman that I wasn’t giving him. He also recommended Dr. Laura’s book on Care and Feeding of Husbands. My hunch, given this physician is in a second marriage to a much younger woman, that he cheated on his first wife. You may want to warn your readers that others might try and convince you it is your fault. I was able to go back and confront my physician about how inappropriate this had been (on the advice of my marriage counselor she said she wouldn’t practice medicine if he didn’t practice marital therapy!).”

3. The second step frees you from your personal neediness and fears (which make you awfully unattractive) and you face squarely the question: “Do I REALLY want to be married to him/her?”

4. Once at peace with your answer, you begin devising strategies that will intervene in the affair. You experiment to see if your actions can elicit a different response, perhaps end the affair or create some breakthrough (dependent on the kind of affair facing you.)

5. Your strategies and interventions, over time, give you the information you need to decide whether the relationship is a go or no-go. Do I stay or leave? You decide.

6. The two of you commit to rebuilding your relationship and lives.

7. You begin to create and build your life apart from him/her.

Yes, it is an interesting journey. And, it takes time. I say, without help and support, anywhere from 2-4 years. With guidance and a desire to learn about infidelity you can cut back on that time frame considerably.

Read what others, perhaps like you, describe as their healing journey:

“The first 4 weeks were awful, cannot describe the emotional torture, just getting by was hurting. But somewhere inside of all us is the need to rise up in spite of what has happened. Friends became a key factor. Walking became a stress buster. I did not want any down time to think or to feel. Although its important to face your feelings, the first few weeks are about getting up and get moving. Walking constantly was all I could do. I would walk and cry at the same time. Eventually the crying stops but walking continues. Play your walkman. Listen to upbeat music only – no sad songs. Talk to your friends. Family is good too, but too close to the situation. Keep active and productive. It’s amazing what it can do. I did not think so at first, but I needed something to do, somewhere to go. Exercising/walking was it as well as friends. I drove them nuts talking to them. I also searched for answers as to why. That’s how I came upon Dr Huizenga’s web site. The need to understand. It does not change the hurt but it gave me an insight into infidelity and I was not alone. People referred me to the phoenix rising and I did just that. It took a lot but I survived. You can too.”

“The pain was so intense after 37 years of marriage discover my husband was having an affair with a friend was so totally devastating that I remember crying for months, but the one bit of advice that helped me was something I read that said, “Infidelity is like a death and the advice not to make life changing decisions for a year unless you have not other options apply to infidelity as well. You can get a divorce anytime so don’t rush to that decision.” That helped me be able to put one foot in front of the other the first few weeks/months and realize that the divorce decision could be made later when I was saner. It has been almost 2 years and we are still together.”

“I wanted information. I wanted both experiential and clinical information. All was validating–that my desire to know, my behaviors and feelings were all normal. I learned about well meaning counselors causing more damage than harm. I learned that there are recovery “maps” available which allowed me a time frame and not to feel that the recovery is taking forever. I did learn that, in order to heal the couple must move from blame to understanding.”

You’re OK Exactly Where You Are

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 14:57:11 +0000

Part of the healing from infidelity and cheating is being able to “see through” the cheating behavior as the cheating spouse’s problem. Yes, this is easier said than done; especially early in the process of healing and moving on. How can this behavior NOT hook you and stir the almost unbearable thoughts and feelings?

This question was raised by a member of my Infidelity Support group.

This blog is in reference to a free report I offer called “Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy.” To get your copy of this free report, click here.

Here is the transcript. I hope it’s helpful.

Karen: Dr Robert Huizenga, I would dearly like you to explain more on your concept of the spouse not being the enemy. I have purchased and read your material and this article in particular which seems to explain away the behavior of the distancing spouse, yet for me doesn’t go near covering the destruction and devastation and at times rejection felt by those who pursue and invest in relationships. I think its very much like sleeping with an enemy and in fact from experience (both personal and in my larger circle) could recite behavior of distancing people that can only be described as nasty, vindictive, perhaps passive aggressive, but in the end very damaging to those around. I personally think I would have felt better with an enemy than my own spouse and find that this article doesn’t cover the devastation, frustration, anger and rejection felt by those that find themselves distanced and rejected.

Dr. Huizenga: Thanks, Karen. The intent of “Your Spouse in Not your Enemy” is not to diminish your pain or condone the crazy, abusive behavior or your spouse. It’s purpose is to enable you to move beyond your pain and see the crazy behavior of your spouse as his problem, not yours. And, his behavior says much more about him than you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim… and remove yourself from the victim role, not by condemning the behavior of your spouse or letting it hook your negative thinking about yourself, but seeing the crazy stuff as his crazy problem. And, then…move on with confidence and grace, not anger and rage.

Karen: Thanks Robert. I take your point on it being a hook and a negative one at that. I see it as a dance or a spiral that is difficult to break. Yes, it’s a fair point about it being about his crazy stuff and seeing it as that, his, as for years I thought I was the problem. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. The confidence and grace bit, well that’s going to take time and anger is still very much present. However yes, I take the point. When I read it my perception was that of the distancing being explained away, and yes there must be an explanation, for me though at the moment I am focused on the end result of the behavior which is a lot of hurt and pain.

Dr. Huizenga: Yeah, it is a process Karen. And you are at a particular point in that process of healing which is to be respected. BTW I like the way you grasp this and respond. That speaks very well for you.. bright… which means you will someday be able to stand back and smile…

Karen: Ah thanks! Nice to talk with you and thanks for the material, have read it all and it has helped enormously with understanding the process, the type of affair and just general knowledge of this area. I sincerely hope I can smile (more often) again.

Dr. Huizenga: You will. Remember… this too shall pass!!!!!

Karen: Thanks also for the comment on being at a particular point in the process which is to be respected. It’s very validating as sometimes those around us and in particular spouses or ex-spouses don’t respect that this is a process, takes time, we find our own way and it should at the very least be respected given what we have gone through. Cheers!

Dr. Huizenga: You are OK, just where you are!

Karen is ok exactly where she is, and so are you. Remember that.

6 Reasons Being a Basket Case is Normal After Discovery of Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 14:50:37 +0000

When you discover the infidelity demon in your marriage being a basket case is normal, as attested to by the fact that hundreds have come to me with their pain, confusion, rage and numbness upon discovery of their cheating spouse.

Being a basket case has nothing to do with your intelligence or competence. You may have always seen yourself as a can do and talented individual. Infidelity causes you to question everything about yourself including these beliefs.

Being a basket case is normal. Here are a few reasons why it is almost impossible (at least at first) to avoid Basketcaseitist.

1. Upon the discovery of infidelity most question: “What did I do wrong? I probably was not good enough sexually! What IS wrong with me that my partner has to look elsewhere? Where didn’t I meet his/her needs? I must be defective. S/he found someone else to love and I must be unlovable now.

Such thoughts are common, since our culture has a distorted view of love. It is subtly embedded within us as we watch television, romantic comedies or read the tabloids moving through the grocery checkout, that “being in love” is the ultimate – whether it is with your spouse or someone else.

“Being in love” is the goal in relationships. And if someone must go somewhere else to find that “loving feeling” the relationship or other person in that relationship must be tainted or incapable of maintaining that love.

2. Infidelity is like being raped. Something sacred, something vitally important has been violated. Boundaries of loyalty, trust and promises of fidelity, care and concern are mocked without seemingly much regard.

The wounded spouse is stunned that such insensitivity could occur, especially by someone whom s/he thought s/he trusted.

3. It seems as if one is about to lose his/her world. And by world, I mean all of it. At risk is losing one’s spouse, losing financial security, losing one’s home, losing one’s extended family, losing closeness to children, losing one’s dreams and hopes and losing any sense of normalcy and predictability about life.

One may withdraw in fear. One may lash out in fear. One may fight out of fear. One may plead and beg out of fear. One may resort to unthinkable behaviors because s/he is terrified – and I mean terrified.

The world feels like it is crumbling and crashing down. And, there is no vision of what might be left.

4. One feels terribly powerless. It is s/he, the cheating spouse, who seems to be calling the shots, who is doing whatever s/he chooses to do and there is very little the wounded spouse can seemingly do to stop the nightmarish behavior of the cheating spouse.

The cheating spouse is giving all the power and attention to the other person and is oblivious to the pleas, concerns and requests of the spouse.

After first discovery, the wounded spouse may attempt to exert control or power upon the situation, but soon finds that the efforts are fruitless.

5. The wounded spouse is often blindsided. S/he did not see it coming. Life was rolling along (yes, things seemed a little off… but what marriages DON’T experience that?) and all of a sudden one is sucker punched.

S/he thought there was an agreement that, even though times might get tough, neither one would resort to infidelity. But here it is. Unexpected. Unwanted. Without time to prepare for the intensity of the feelings and the thoughts that just won’t go away.

6. The personal neediness of the wounded spouse is exposed. Now, none of us want to be known as “needy.” But when infidelity raises its ugly head one’s neediness is front and center: the need for a hug, the need for affirmation, the need for attention, the need to feel loved, the need to be safe and the need for predictability.

All these needs are magnified and their intensity level soars. And, the wounded spouse may resort to unthinkable behaviors to get those needs met or at least know there is a possibility of them being met… sometime.

Take heart, the intensity of your feelings and the frightfulness of your thoughts are normal.

And, basketcaseitis passes with time as you understand the type of affair and what about your cheating spouse (not you, nor the marriage) motivated the infidelity.

What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 13 Feb 2014 18:42:16 +0000

How do you know if your significant other is truly sorry for what s/he did?

Frequently, in my coaching sessions, I hear the betrayed spouse wanting and needing to feel that the cheating spouse is truly sorry.

In some cases it doesn’t seem genuine or enough. The following scenarios are fairly common:

The cheating spouse out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about “it.”
The cheating spouse, fearful of the feelings of the betrayed spouse may also attempt to “put it behind them.”
The betrayed spouse often is looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. That remorse often does not appear.
The cheating spouse may say “I’m sorry,” but the depth of those words are called into question.
An expression of THE apology or heartfelt remorse is often seen as a tipping point in the ability to trust now, and in the future.

Watch this video. It gives 3 great examples of apologies…

Marriage advice to Keep on Track to Save Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 07 Sep 2013 15:30:29 +0000

Marriage Advice

Saving your Marriage

It is difficult to maintain your self respect as you try to save your broken marriage. You easily doubt yourself, your role in the marriage and go through a litany of “what ifs.” You wonder what you could have done differently. You question your adequacy on a number of levels. Mutual respect in a relationship is vital. Discover the 5 broken marriage tips in this video that will help you gain your self respect so you become less reactive and are better able to express yourself powerfully.

Download the audio for this video now!

Infidelity in Marriage: Key Points in Infidelity Recovery

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 18:49:41 +0000

Infidelity in Marriage: More key points about infidelity that help you through recovery.

Key Point #2: Infidelity isn’t the end of the world

Infidelity is discovered and it feels like your world is coming to an end.

Yes, it feels like it, but infidelity does NOT mean the end of your world.

Infidelity in a marriage is common, although that thought may not comfort you at the moment but will help you in your recovery.

I estimate that 80% of couples experience some sort of infidelity during the course of their marriage. Some boundary of the relationship is transgressed and a third party enters. The violation may not be sexual in nature. However some type of attachment emerges.

This number might seem high to you. However; a couple factors from my experience contribute to this number.

First, I’ve worked with literally thousands of couples since 1981 and in a large number of cases; infidelity was a factor, although the affair was not discovered by the betrayed spouse.

I remember a number of situations where my intuition (which is highly accurate) told me a third party was involved in the marital distress, but was never mentioned by either party.

For most infidelity carries a great deal of shame and guilt.

It is embarrassing for both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse to talk about the infidelity and therefore, the infidelity may remain in the marital closet.

Many couples are able to work through the pain and devastation of infidelity.

There are many couples, perhaps your friends or even part of your family that have navigated successfully the turbulent waters of infidelity without your awareness.

You too can heal from the pain of infidelity, secrets and betrayal.

Marriage has its crunch points.

Marriage is not completed when the marital papers are signed.

You may carry along the myth that once you are married, you live happily ever after.

Not true.

Your relationship will continue to grow, change, stretch and evolve.

Some years of your relationship will be more difficult than others, as you face new changes, new challenges and bump into development issues individually and as a couple and family.

The marital ride certainly has its ups and downs.

Some years or months you scratch your wonder and wonder.

Other years you think, “Hmmm, this is pretty nice.”

One of you may find particular times of change or transition extremely difficult.

Old feelings and patterns are thrust into the forefront and out of desperation and/or fear a third party may triangle into your marriage.

Infidelity is often a misguided attempt to cope with strong negative feelings that erupt into awareness and seemingly can no longer be ignored.

Remember, infidelity says much more about the cheating spouse than it does about the marriage or the betrayed spouse.

Your cheating spouse has met his/her relational and personal brick wall.

But, again these walls can be examined and one can, and often does, find a way to go around, over or tears the wall apart brick by brick until the sun shines on the other side.

Infidelity offers an opportunity for successful transition, for evolution as a person and couple and results in healing and shifts made in how one thinks, behaves and relates.

Key Point #3 Infidelity is a process

If you just discovered infidelity, you want it over…NOW.

And, frequently, you believe that when the affair is brought to light and talked about, there will be a quick resolution.

You may believe that if you “lay down the law” your cheating spouse will end the affair.

Or, you may think that if you just sit down and talk it through, the affair will end and you will get on with the process of healing rebuilding the marriage.

You want a quick resolution.

Sorry, but that is extremely rare.

Addressing the affair, healing from the infidelity and rebuilding your marriage and life takes time – more time than you want to acknowledge.

In most cases it takes 2-4 years to recover from the trauma of infidelity, if left to your own devices.

If you embrace learning, seek our support and learn about the complexity of affairs and dig into the dynamics of betrayal, you can significantly reduce the amount of time it takes to recover – to 6-18 months is my experience.

You move through the stages of discovery, confronting the affair, resolving the infidelity, recalibrating your marriage or relationship and then rebuild the marriage or relationship.

Often a final key is the huge issue of trust and how you not only learn to trust your spouse or partner, but more importantly, trust your own instincts and inklings.

Each stage offers you challenges, predictable roadblocks to face and overcome and demands new ways of thinking and responding that temporarily upset your world.