Emotional Infidelity – Break Free from the Affair

4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 04 Dec 2014 16:32:03 +0000

If you are like most, you feel like a Basket Case when first confronted by infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

And, you typically engage in the 6 Killer Mistakes that Most Make that are Guaranteed to Prolong the Affair and Your Misery that I outline.

It is crucial that you address your Basketcaseitis before you can effectively confront the affair.

Using any type of strategy while in the Basketcase Mode will be interpreted, most likely, by your cheating spouse as manipulation. S/he will more likely feel pity, rage and/or resentment toward you rather than positive feelings if your neediness blasts front and center.

So, the ultimate question: How do you extricate yourself from the Basketcase Mode?

I will show you how that happens. And, it can happen faster than you possibly thought. Those who’ve poured over parts of my material email within a couple hours uttering profound thanks for the new peace and relief they feel. It does happen.

To move from the Basketcase Mode, I’ve discovered 4 shifts that must take place.

1. First, you must forget all you have ever learned about infidelity. Now, you probably haven’t formally had training on the dynamics of infidelity, (not much exists) but informally through television, romantic novels, tabloids, gossip and movies, you picked up on powerful assumptions about infidelity and affairs. And 90% of these assumptions are dead wrong. Not only are they dead wrong, they are deadly. You will learn more about the myths in “Break Free from the Affair” and by blog posts.

2. You must come to the conclusion that the infidelity or affair is his/her problem. YOU don’t have the problem. Your cheating spouse does. Very very very very few affair relationships ever become healthy. Your cheating spouse’s life is going down the tubes. And, there are very specific reasons why it’s not your life, but his/hers that is gravely at risk.

3. You must be able to stand back and see the motives and reasons for his/her temporary insanity. And, there are reasons. Affairs just don’t happen and emerge out of thin air. Lifelong patterns, in some cases, almost guarantee an affair, an affair that had its seeds long before s/he met you.

4. You must move out of the victim role and assume your personal power. This is not as difficult as it may seem. Once the top three conditions are met you will feel your power. You will know your power. I want for you to hold your head high and be able to confront in a powerful manner (using charging neutral, a skill I teach) your cheating spouse, look him/her square in the eye, so that s/he is the first one to blink.

7 Powerful Steps you MUST Take to Recover from Infidelity

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 14:35:31 +0000

Here’s a basic outline of general steps I’ve seen thousands take over the past years as they face and recover from the affair.

Briefly, here’s a skeleton, my beginning point, for the 7 steps to affair recovery.

1. You discover the affair and you are in shock. Enough said.

2. As you move through the shock and become more alive, you begin to make two huge mental shifts.

First, you learn about infidelity and that it truly is an act of temporary insanity which has little to do with you.

Second, from that first awareness, you begin to firmly believe and feel that you are not at fault. You are not defective!

As a side note from one of my readers:

“Dr. Bob, when I went to see my physician for some medication to help me cope, he offered that I needed to go home and figure out what my husband was getting from the other woman that I wasn’t giving him. He also recommended Dr. Laura’s book on Care and Feeding of Husbands. My hunch, given this physician is in a second marriage to a much younger woman, that he cheated on his first wife. You may want to warn your readers that others might try and convince you it is your fault. I was able to go back and confront my physician about how inappropriate this had been (on the advice of my marriage counselor she said she wouldn’t practice medicine if he didn’t practice marital therapy!).”

3. The second step frees you from your personal neediness and fears (which make you awfully unattractive) and you face squarely the question: “Do I REALLY want to be married to him/her?”

4. Once at peace with your answer, you begin devising strategies that will intervene in the affair. You experiment to see if your actions can elicit a different response, perhaps end the affair or create some breakthrough (dependent on the kind of affair facing you.)

5. Your strategies and interventions, over time, give you the information you need to decide whether the relationship is a go or no-go. Do I stay or leave? You decide.

6. The two of you commit to rebuilding your relationship and lives.

7. You begin to create and build your life apart from him/her.

Yes, it is an interesting journey. And, it takes time. I say, without help and support, anywhere from 2-4 years. With guidance and a desire to learn about infidelity you can cut back on that time frame considerably.

Read what others, perhaps like you, describe as their healing journey:

“The first 4 weeks were awful, cannot describe the emotional torture, just getting by was hurting. But somewhere inside of all us is the need to rise up in spite of what has happened. Friends became a key factor. Walking became a stress buster. I did not want any down time to think or to feel. Although its important to face your feelings, the first few weeks are about getting up and get moving. Walking constantly was all I could do. I would walk and cry at the same time. Eventually the crying stops but walking continues. Play your walkman. Listen to upbeat music only – no sad songs. Talk to your friends. Family is good too, but too close to the situation. Keep active and productive. It’s amazing what it can do. I did not think so at first, but I needed something to do, somewhere to go. Exercising/walking was it as well as friends. I drove them nuts talking to them. I also searched for answers as to why. That’s how I came upon Dr Huizenga’s web site. The need to understand. It does not change the hurt but it gave me an insight into infidelity and I was not alone. People referred me to the phoenix rising and I did just that. It took a lot but I survived. You can too.”

“The pain was so intense after 37 years of marriage discover my husband was having an affair with a friend was so totally devastating that I remember crying for months, but the one bit of advice that helped me was something I read that said, “Infidelity is like a death and the advice not to make life changing decisions for a year unless you have not other options apply to infidelity as well. You can get a divorce anytime so don’t rush to that decision.” That helped me be able to put one foot in front of the other the first few weeks/months and realize that the divorce decision could be made later when I was saner. It has been almost 2 years and we are still together.”

“I wanted information. I wanted both experiential and clinical information. All was validating–that my desire to know, my behaviors and feelings were all normal. I learned about well meaning counselors causing more damage than harm. I learned that there are recovery “maps” available which allowed me a time frame and not to feel that the recovery is taking forever. I did learn that, in order to heal the couple must move from blame to understanding.”

Affair Recovery: Talking about the Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 03 Jun 2014 13:00:55 +0000

A major road block for many couples recovering from infidelity is talking about the infidelity.

Frequently one (the betrayed) spouse needs to talk about the infidelity. The cheating spouse says, “No. It’s over. Let’s not drag up the past. Let’s move on.”

I can’t tell you how many times my coaching clients bring up this issue. It’s HUGE.

One MAJOR shift for a couple attempting to rebuild after infidelity is: From the fear of talking about the infidelity – to expressing the need to talk and why.

Helen wrote me an email describing in eloquent detail how her and her husband navigated these turbulent waters.

Helen gave me permission to share her story with you. Here it is:

Hello Dr Bob,

I really appreciated this email from you and I received it at a very important time in rebuilding the relationship and marriage with my husband. We are reconciling after seven years. He is now three months back in the house and we made a promise back then that in three months’ time we would both ask each other how we were feeling. Well last night we had the talk and we both agreed that we would be very honest with each other.

To be honest I was fearful talking about it. I felt he was home, he was there, don’t upset the apple cart.

But we had promised to be honest with each other and I asked my husband how he was feeling being back around me and his three sons (all adults) and he said he was very happy to be back home.

He thinks we are both doing great, we have both changed, he is very sorry and will try and make it up to me and his sons in any way he can.

He said he thought about us a lot, knew what we were all going through, knew I was hurting and in pain (which I begged to differ) and told him so as he could not possibly know the pain I was going through.

He looked surprised when I said this, but tried to reassure me he knew what I was going through. He was going through pain also and his pain must have been the same as mine.

I felt very angry when he said this.

My husband saw I was angry and told me not to hold back, to talk.

I told him I had written my story and asked him to read it so he could see exactly what went on in our home while he was gone.

He said he did not want to read my story (Diary) as he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty.

This was not the case and it was never my intention to make him feel guilty. I just felt he needed to know the damage he left behind, the many people he hurt, but mostly and more importantly me and our three sons.

Our voices got a bit raised so I asked for a time out and asked that we speak to each other in a civil manner and not to shout. My husband agreed. After 15 minutes we continued the conversation.

I asked him not to compare my pain with his. His pain was a choice he made. We talked for quite a while after that and I felt more at ease with myself.

I was no longer afraid to say how I felt, I let my words flow. I was hurt that he thought I was trying to make him feel guilty and annoyed also and I told him so.

I had honestly thought if he had read my story or Diary as I call it now, he would be able to understand me a lot more and we could heal a lot quicker because we knew what we had to work on.

He said he thought I was trying to make him feel bad, point a finger at him and tell him he was a bold man.

I was glad he was honest with me about how he was feeling, as I would never have thought that.

Normally that would have been a lack of communication between us, but after we trashed the whole thing out (amicably) we both felt a sense of relief that each of us were on the same page now and very pleased at how honest we were both being.

He asked me how I really felt since he came back and I hesitated to answer.

He asked me to tell the truth as he had noticed I was somewhat distant for some days now.

I told him I thought I should be a lot happier in myself since his return.

I could see this hurt him a little and he asked me to explain.

I thought having him back now, everything was going to be great. we were back together yeaaa and we would live happily ever after. Not so.

I felt he was not guilty enough, slipped back into the role of my husband too easy, thought he would be hugging me more, telling me how happy he is to be back, etc. etc.

I just needed some more reassurance and he said he thought he was giving me lots of reassurance, but he will work on that.

He understands I will have triggers and days when I feel sad and asked that I promise to let him know when I am having these thoughts so we can both talk about them.

I could see myself slipping back into old patterns, but I convinced myself there was no harm in this. I also felt a bit angry at myself.

Here I was, after working on myself for all those years, coping on my own, making my own decisions and yet I was letting myself slip back into old patterns.

When I said this to my husband he asked me why I was changing back to my old ways for him. He did not want me to do that. I had no real answer to this other than to say maybe I was happy he was back and I was afraid he would leave again.

We talked for a long time about this and at the end of our conversation we both agreed we had cleared the air, to always be honest with each other about how we feel and to talk about even the slightest worry we may have no matter how small it was.

So, Doctor, thank you for helping us not to be afraid to open up about how we really feel and to not let lack of communication stop us from having a wonderful marriage.

I can honestly say I feel so much pressure released from me and I feel so much happier in myself. Thank you for all your wonderful work. Helen

For more information on Recovering from an Affair, check out my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.

Marriage advice to Keep on Track to Save Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 07 Sep 2013 15:30:29 +0000

Marriage Advice

Saving your Marriage

It is difficult to maintain your self respect as you try to save your broken marriage. You easily doubt yourself, your role in the marriage and go through a litany of “what ifs.” You wonder what you could have done differently. You question your adequacy on a number of levels. Mutual respect in a relationship is vital. Discover the 5 broken marriage tips in this video that will help you gain your self respect so you become less reactive and are better able to express yourself powerfully.

Download the audio for this video now!

Infidelity in Marriage: Key Points in Infidelity Recovery

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 12 Aug 2013 18:49:41 +0000

Infidelity in Marriage: More key points about infidelity that help you through recovery.

Key Point #2: Infidelity isn’t the end of the world

Infidelity is discovered and it feels like your world is coming to an end.

Yes, it feels like it, but infidelity does NOT mean the end of your world.

Infidelity in a marriage is common, although that thought may not comfort you at the moment but will help you in your recovery.

I estimate that 80% of couples experience some sort of infidelity during the course of their marriage. Some boundary of the relationship is transgressed and a third party enters. The violation may not be sexual in nature. However some type of attachment emerges.

This number might seem high to you. However; a couple factors from my experience contribute to this number.

First, I’ve worked with literally thousands of couples since 1981 and in a large number of cases; infidelity was a factor, although the affair was not discovered by the betrayed spouse.

I remember a number of situations where my intuition (which is highly accurate) told me a third party was involved in the marital distress, but was never mentioned by either party.

For most infidelity carries a great deal of shame and guilt.

It is embarrassing for both the cheating spouse and the betrayed spouse to talk about the infidelity and therefore, the infidelity may remain in the marital closet.

Many couples are able to work through the pain and devastation of infidelity.

There are many couples, perhaps your friends or even part of your family that have navigated successfully the turbulent waters of infidelity without your awareness.

You too can heal from the pain of infidelity, secrets and betrayal.

Marriage has its crunch points.

Marriage is not completed when the marital papers are signed.

You may carry along the myth that once you are married, you live happily ever after.

Not true.

Your relationship will continue to grow, change, stretch and evolve.

Some years of your relationship will be more difficult than others, as you face new changes, new challenges and bump into development issues individually and as a couple and family.

The marital ride certainly has its ups and downs.

Some years or months you scratch your wonder and wonder.

Other years you think, “Hmmm, this is pretty nice.”

One of you may find particular times of change or transition extremely difficult.

Old feelings and patterns are thrust into the forefront and out of desperation and/or fear a third party may triangle into your marriage.

Infidelity is often a misguided attempt to cope with strong negative feelings that erupt into awareness and seemingly can no longer be ignored.

Remember, infidelity says much more about the cheating spouse than it does about the marriage or the betrayed spouse.

Your cheating spouse has met his/her relational and personal brick wall.

But, again these walls can be examined and one can, and often does, find a way to go around, over or tears the wall apart brick by brick until the sun shines on the other side.

Infidelity offers an opportunity for successful transition, for evolution as a person and couple and results in healing and shifts made in how one thinks, behaves and relates.

Key Point #3 Infidelity is a process

If you just discovered infidelity, you want it over…NOW.

And, frequently, you believe that when the affair is brought to light and talked about, there will be a quick resolution.

You may believe that if you “lay down the law” your cheating spouse will end the affair.

Or, you may think that if you just sit down and talk it through, the affair will end and you will get on with the process of healing rebuilding the marriage.

You want a quick resolution.

Sorry, but that is extremely rare.

Addressing the affair, healing from the infidelity and rebuilding your marriage and life takes time – more time than you want to acknowledge.

In most cases it takes 2-4 years to recover from the trauma of infidelity, if left to your own devices.

If you embrace learning, seek our support and learn about the complexity of affairs and dig into the dynamics of betrayal, you can significantly reduce the amount of time it takes to recover – to 6-18 months is my experience.

You move through the stages of discovery, confronting the affair, resolving the infidelity, recalibrating your marriage or relationship and then rebuild the marriage or relationship.

Often a final key is the huge issue of trust and how you not only learn to trust your spouse or partner, but more importantly, trust your own instincts and inklings.

Each stage offers you challenges, predictable roadblocks to face and overcome and demands new ways of thinking and responding that temporarily upset your world.

Infidelity in Your Marriage: Stop the Devastation by Knowing the Type of Affair

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 25 Jul 2013 14:29:50 +0000

You didn’t ever think infidelity would happen to you!

But now Infidelity invades your marriage or significant relationship.

The affair, the secrets, the betrayal and the loss of love and affection happened to others but not to you.

But you were wrong. The affair has invaded your most precious relationship and your world is teetering on the edge of what you think is utter and total destruction.

You feel lost, alone, isolated and devastated.

You want to survive the affair and overcome the infidelity.

To this point you haven’t given much thought to infidelity but as it now stares at you with its ugliness, you are not sure what you face.

You lack adequate information about infidelity: where it came from, what it means, how long it will last and what motivated it in the first place.

You may get sympathetic but unhelpful advice from family or friends. Or, it may be a secret you share with no one. You don’t know where to go or what to do. You may react and lash out or cave in and know neither is helpful or what you truly want.

This blog post will give you a vision of what is possible.

I will outline for you 5 different affairs or infidelity scenarios, one of which will fit you.

I also will create a vision of what is possible for you and your partner in facing the infidelity.

This vision lacks specifics, but if you read more of my information, some of missing pieces of this vision will fall into place.

But first, a few key points about infidelity.

Key Point: Infidelity is Complex

One affair does not fit all. Just as marriages are complex and different, so are affairs.

In my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair,” I present 7 unique types of affairs.

1. My Marriage Made me Do It

2. I Don’t Want to Say No

3. I Can’t Say No

4. I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love

5. I Want to Get Back at Him/Her

6. I Must Prove my Desirability

7. I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy

Each of these types of affairs vary in duration.

For example, the “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy kind of affair” may be an affair that has a long duration. Some of these affairs continue in secret for years or perhaps decades.

The affair #4: “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love” may have a short duration of just a few months or shorter.

Affair #6, “I Must Prove my Desirability,” might be a one-night stand.

And, because of the dynamics of a particular type of affair, I can predict the length of the other affairs as well.

A person’s motive for the affair may differ greatly.

Of course, affair #6’s motive is obvious.

Affair #7: “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” is marked by an ambivalence about being intimate. The affair serves the purpose of never being truly intimate with anyone, spouse included.

Affair #3: “I Can’t Say No,” is entered into by someone who carries addictive tendencies. The affair becomes the object of attachment, perhaps with different people, strip clubs, or pornography. S/he is hooked.

How the betrayed spouse responds to the affair varies according to the type of affair.

I’ve outlined 16 different ways of responding to an affair in “Break Free From the Affair.”

Each affair demands that you respond using one of those unique ways.

Once you know the type of affair facing you, you are able to discern which type of response will work best in perhaps stopping the affair or moving to toward resolution.

If you want more information, I highly recommend you download my FREE “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet.” This condensed sheet gives you an overview, and starting point, for effectively facing the infidelity that is destroying your marriage.

Click this banner for your FREE download…

Marriage Killers

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 24 Jun 2013 11:16:03 +0000

I recently asked my readers to respond to a survey and in one word answer to the question: “What, in your opinion, is the number 1 factor that kills a marriage?”

I received hundreds of responses, but for the sake of brevity, present only the first few in this chart.

Make sure you sign up for my materials to learn my (flabbergasted but not surprised) response to this survey.

11 Ways Worry Kills Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 17:12:53 +0000

Worry is fretting. Worry is bound by fearful thoughts. Worry is being nervous, uptight or anxious. Worry feels threatened. Worry is a bundle of nerves.

This anxiety gets in your way. It becomes a detriment. It only contributes to more distance, more crashes and more pain.

Anxiety builds on anxiety. Layer upon layer is added and you journey down a path that only becomes more hopeless and personally and relationally more destructive.

You lose more control over your feelings. Your feelings overwhelm.

The resulting behavior from your anxiety triggered by the martial or relationship crisis destroys your dignity and self respect.

Here are some outcomes of worry, anxiety, out-of-control feelings and how they compound your situation:

1. You react rather than act. You focus almost exclusively on what is occurring around you. You worry about what s/he will say or not say, will do or not do next. You watch. You always have one eye “out there.” You wait. You worry. Your feelings are at the tip of your fingers. Something happens, or doesn’t happen and then you react.

2. You feel like you have no control. You feel powerless. You feel victimized. You feel like a leaf blowing in the wind. You feel like you are at the mercy of your spouse or that significant other.

3. You doubt yourself. It seems as if you have lost your self. Your self esteem feels at an all time low. You doubt that you have anything to give or have any words to utter that will be heard or hold power. You cannot articulate what is unique or of value about you. You find it difficult to trust your desires or your thoughts and insights. Doubt is a constant friend.

4. Your spouse usually does not know how to respond helpfully to your worry or feelings. How you express your worry and feelings, i.e. the look on your face, your body language, your tone of voice and/or the words you use, trigger his/her worry and feelings. His/her level of worry is intensified.

5. You revert to old patterns of coping with your worry and feelings. How do you typically handle your worry? What do you do when it ramps up? What do you do when the constant thoughts and feelings of worry are triggered by the worry of your partner or spouse? Do you attack? Do you avoid? Do you cry? Do you scream? Do you run away? Do you fight? Do you get quiet? Do you shut down? Do you get sick? Do you “kick the dog?”

6. Your worry may set up a cycle of doing or saying something “stupid,” that you know is “stupid,” but it comes out anyway, since you’ve done it before and there seem to be few filters on your thoughts, feelings and actions when you are grabbed by worry. And once it comes out, you go, “Oh crap, I did it again!” And, then you emotionally beat and deride yourself. This adds another level of worry and tension. You feel worse.

7. Worry tends to push you in the direction of seeing your partner or spouse as the enemy. It’s you vs him/her. S/he, during these moments, is your adversary. You must argue. You must convince. You must placate. You must oppose – all in the name of making your point to someone who is against you.

8. You want to protect your feelings and yourself rather than confront effectively. You go into a protection mode. You shrink away from what you really want to say and either say it in an abrasive manner or don’t say it at all. You hide you, for fear of the possible rejection you may encounter.

9. You want to protect rather than give. You become so absorbed in the protection theme, you feel so overwhelmed by the overwhelm and worry that the thought of giving and sharing of yourself is not considered. As well, at that moment, you believe you have very little, if any, to offer.

10. You feel like your life is shrinking, constricting and the joy, freedom and fun are lost. You become consumed with your worry. Your life is narrowed to your own lack and how your partner or spouse contributes to that lack. It seems as if your marriage and life is living a slow but certain death.

11. You, your spouse and your marriage or relationship explodes. You attempt for so long to “keep the lid on” and eventually all hell breaks loose. S/he wants a divorce. Infidelity becomes a major issue as a third party becomes part of the drama. S/he walks out. S/he becomes depressed. The addiction becomes severe. Your children start acting out. A serious illness enters the picture. Some other catastrophe breaks the painful silence.

Think, for a moment, of what it’s like to be around a “worry wart” or anxious person.

I used to visit a friend and most often we found ourselves conversing in the kitchen.

Nine times out of ten she would pick up a dish rag and begin wiping her kitchen counter, even though, for the life of me, I could see no obvious need.

It was a habit. It was an anxious habit. It was largely an unconscious way for her to manage her anxiety. She would wipe and talk at the same time. I would listen and follow the stroke of her rag across the counter top.

And, when I walked away I could usually feel a low level of anxiety. Her anxiety became mine.

It takes work and personal energy to be around someone who worries is anxious and the feelings are on the edge.

When you live and interact persistently and intently with an anxious spouse, it takes its toll.

Eventually the anxiety or worry finds an outlet, and it’s often not pretty.

The absolute first step in facing effectively your marital crisis, whatever its nature, is to stop revving around in reverse as fast as you can, slamming into your world and shift to neutral.

Realize that your anxiety, and the expression of your anxiety or worry, the loss of control over your feelings, are killing you and your relationship and is your worst enemy.

Once you shift its energy to neutral a new world of change and resolution opens.

Marriage Crisis: Get in Control of Your Feelings

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:07:01 +0000

I was raised in Northwestern Illinois and the highlight of every summer was the County Fair.

On Saturday night thousands would flock to the Fairground Stands to watch the Demolition Derby.

In case you are not familiar, a demolition derby starts with a number of modified old cars with good engines sitting in a circle in the middle of the track ready to ram each other intending to demolish as many as possible. The last car running is declared the winner.

When the flag is dropped each driver chooses another car as the target, slams the car in reverse, jams the foot down on the accelerator and attempts to back into the targeted car and create as much damage as possible.

It was chaos!

Motors were roaring; beat up old vehicles flying in reverse as fast a possible; cars slamming into each other by the second; some spinning around out of control; drivers yelling, screaming and shaking their fists at each other.

Talk about adrenaline!

The demolition derby reminds me of a marriage crisis!

Your marriage crisis brings chaos. Your world takes on an aggressive and painful flavor.

You bang around and slam into each other and yourself time and time again.

For most, it’s a crazy time, especially if the crisis emerged unexpectedly and with a huge threat (you discovered the affair; your spouse suddenly left, divorce is imminent, “mid-life crisis,” to name a few.)

Your familiar routines and familiar schedules no longer provide comfort and a feeling of safety. You feel terribly threatened and starkly afraid.

Your world, as you have known it, is coming to and end. And, you realize you will NEVER have that world again. From this point forward, your relationship and your life WILL be different.

You struggle to control your feelings. You can’t sleep. A part of you is constantly thinking, ruminating about him/her, about your future, about what went wrong and about your shortcomings.

You have images and sharp clear pictures in your mind that disturb and won’t go away.

You revert back to old patterns of dealing with trauma; you act out, you cave in, you sleep too much, you don’t sleep enough, you eat too much, you don’t eat enough. You are distant or you are ever present. You swear. Or, you are super sweet. You rage against your spouse. Or, you rage against yourself.

You give up on what was pleasing and enjoyable for you.

You worry. You fret. You ruminate. You wonder.

You, in a word, are extremely anxious. Your feelings are all over.

Tension is your middle name, whether you exhibit that anxiety and tension to others or lock it deep within you as you feel frozen.

Note: I don’t particularly like the word anxiety. Anxiety is more of a medical term and can be confusing.

There is such an animal called “free floating” anxiety. This is the sort of anxiety that has no apparent or conscious connection to what a person is thinking. That’s not the type of anxiety I’m referring to in this report.

I’m referring to an anxious state. Perhaps a better word is worry. The anxiety I refer to is an anxious state in which the anxiety is tied to specific thoughts. You feel anxious when you worry about x, y or z.

I asked my readers what they worry most about in the midst of their marital crisis.

Here are just a few examples of what worry consumes some in a marital crisis:

“I worry that there are more things that I don’t know about — that she is still harboring secrets.”

“How do I get her to admit she is wrong? What can I do or say or find that I can put in front of her to get her to stop what she is doing?”

“I’m anxious and worried about being cut adrift and feeling isolated and alone in the world.”

“I worry about what is actually happening. I see behaviors which are erratic and appear to be to keep me away from the truth. He explodes with anger or is moody and quiet. Then sad and loving.”

“I guess that I’m afraid to be hurt again, it was the most searing pain I have ever experienced – the rejection, the emotional slap in the face, that everything i knew was now unstable, I had no foundation, nothing solid in my life to hold onto.”

“I worry whether or not I will survive intact emotionally.”

“I worry that I am going to be alone without the love of my life (after 36 years together) who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It has devastated me.”

“I worry that we will never be able to trust each other again. That I will never be able to talk to him without worrying that I am going to hit a trigger.”

“I worry that it will never end, never get to a better place. The pain and suffering will go on and on.”

“I worry the most about a divorce and finances.”

“Since mine involves an affair that my husband is not willing to be truthful about (I smelled a rat and followed him and found him and the other woman at a restaurant hugging and kissing, and confronted him only after he pulled off in his car.), I worry about GERMS.”

“I am most anxious about whether or not I can save my marriage, is there hope, will he leave the other woman and reconcile? Is it over will I be alone?”

“Because my husband never discussed any unhappiness with me, expertly hid his 5-year long affair, & left out-of-the-blue to live with the other woman, I worry we will never have any chance to save our marriage.”

Take a minute and catalog the worries that run through your mind and generate out-of-control feelings.

The Distant Spouse is Either In or Out

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sun, 12 May 2013 16:10:45 +0000

Often a polarity emerges in which you are forced to decide whether you are in or out. Perhaps your spouse asks you to make that decision. Perhaps family and friends offer their opinion to either get in or walk away.

So you think: I either must act like a wonderful spouse, even if I don’t feel like it, or I must bolt and divorce. There is no middle ground.

You also begin to compare and think in polarity of bad and good.

My life here really sucks. This is terrible. I can’t stand this anymore.

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