marriage help – Break Free from the Affair

11 Ways Worry Kills Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 08 Jun 2013 17:12:53 +0000

Worry is fretting. Worry is bound by fearful thoughts. Worry is being nervous, uptight or anxious. Worry feels threatened. Worry is a bundle of nerves.

This anxiety gets in your way. It becomes a detriment. It only contributes to more distance, more crashes and more pain.

Anxiety builds on anxiety. Layer upon layer is added and you journey down a path that only becomes more hopeless and personally and relationally more destructive.

You lose more control over your feelings. Your feelings overwhelm.

The resulting behavior from your anxiety triggered by the martial or relationship crisis destroys your dignity and self respect.

Here are some outcomes of worry, anxiety, out-of-control feelings and how they compound your situation:

1. You react rather than act. You focus almost exclusively on what is occurring around you. You worry about what s/he will say or not say, will do or not do next. You watch. You always have one eye “out there.” You wait. You worry. Your feelings are at the tip of your fingers. Something happens, or doesn’t happen and then you react.

2. You feel like you have no control. You feel powerless. You feel victimized. You feel like a leaf blowing in the wind. You feel like you are at the mercy of your spouse or that significant other.

3. You doubt yourself. It seems as if you have lost your self. Your self esteem feels at an all time low. You doubt that you have anything to give or have any words to utter that will be heard or hold power. You cannot articulate what is unique or of value about you. You find it difficult to trust your desires or your thoughts and insights. Doubt is a constant friend.

4. Your spouse usually does not know how to respond helpfully to your worry or feelings. How you express your worry and feelings, i.e. the look on your face, your body language, your tone of voice and/or the words you use, trigger his/her worry and feelings. His/her level of worry is intensified.

5. You revert to old patterns of coping with your worry and feelings. How do you typically handle your worry? What do you do when it ramps up? What do you do when the constant thoughts and feelings of worry are triggered by the worry of your partner or spouse? Do you attack? Do you avoid? Do you cry? Do you scream? Do you run away? Do you fight? Do you get quiet? Do you shut down? Do you get sick? Do you “kick the dog?”

6. Your worry may set up a cycle of doing or saying something “stupid,” that you know is “stupid,” but it comes out anyway, since you’ve done it before and there seem to be few filters on your thoughts, feelings and actions when you are grabbed by worry. And once it comes out, you go, “Oh crap, I did it again!” And, then you emotionally beat and deride yourself. This adds another level of worry and tension. You feel worse.

7. Worry tends to push you in the direction of seeing your partner or spouse as the enemy. It’s you vs him/her. S/he, during these moments, is your adversary. You must argue. You must convince. You must placate. You must oppose – all in the name of making your point to someone who is against you.

8. You want to protect your feelings and yourself rather than confront effectively. You go into a protection mode. You shrink away from what you really want to say and either say it in an abrasive manner or don’t say it at all. You hide you, for fear of the possible rejection you may encounter.

9. You want to protect rather than give. You become so absorbed in the protection theme, you feel so overwhelmed by the overwhelm and worry that the thought of giving and sharing of yourself is not considered. As well, at that moment, you believe you have very little, if any, to offer.

10. You feel like your life is shrinking, constricting and the joy, freedom and fun are lost. You become consumed with your worry. Your life is narrowed to your own lack and how your partner or spouse contributes to that lack. It seems as if your marriage and life is living a slow but certain death.

11. You, your spouse and your marriage or relationship explodes. You attempt for so long to “keep the lid on” and eventually all hell breaks loose. S/he wants a divorce. Infidelity becomes a major issue as a third party becomes part of the drama. S/he walks out. S/he becomes depressed. The addiction becomes severe. Your children start acting out. A serious illness enters the picture. Some other catastrophe breaks the painful silence.

Think, for a moment, of what it’s like to be around a “worry wart” or anxious person.

I used to visit a friend and most often we found ourselves conversing in the kitchen.

Nine times out of ten she would pick up a dish rag and begin wiping her kitchen counter, even though, for the life of me, I could see no obvious need.

It was a habit. It was an anxious habit. It was largely an unconscious way for her to manage her anxiety. She would wipe and talk at the same time. I would listen and follow the stroke of her rag across the counter top.

And, when I walked away I could usually feel a low level of anxiety. Her anxiety became mine.

It takes work and personal energy to be around someone who worries is anxious and the feelings are on the edge.

When you live and interact persistently and intently with an anxious spouse, it takes its toll.

Eventually the anxiety or worry finds an outlet, and it’s often not pretty.

The absolute first step in facing effectively your marital crisis, whatever its nature, is to stop revving around in reverse as fast as you can, slamming into your world and shift to neutral.

Realize that your anxiety, and the expression of your anxiety or worry, the loss of control over your feelings, are killing you and your relationship and is your worst enemy.

Once you shift its energy to neutral a new world of change and resolution opens.

Marriage Crisis: Get in Control of Your Feelings

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 17:07:01 +0000

I was raised in Northwestern Illinois and the highlight of every summer was the County Fair.

On Saturday night thousands would flock to the Fairground Stands to watch the Demolition Derby.

In case you are not familiar, a demolition derby starts with a number of modified old cars with good engines sitting in a circle in the middle of the track ready to ram each other intending to demolish as many as possible. The last car running is declared the winner.

When the flag is dropped each driver chooses another car as the target, slams the car in reverse, jams the foot down on the accelerator and attempts to back into the targeted car and create as much damage as possible.

It was chaos!

Motors were roaring; beat up old vehicles flying in reverse as fast a possible; cars slamming into each other by the second; some spinning around out of control; drivers yelling, screaming and shaking their fists at each other.

Talk about adrenaline!

The demolition derby reminds me of a marriage crisis!

Your marriage crisis brings chaos. Your world takes on an aggressive and painful flavor.

You bang around and slam into each other and yourself time and time again.

For most, it’s a crazy time, especially if the crisis emerged unexpectedly and with a huge threat (you discovered the affair; your spouse suddenly left, divorce is imminent, “mid-life crisis,” to name a few.)

Your familiar routines and familiar schedules no longer provide comfort and a feeling of safety. You feel terribly threatened and starkly afraid.

Your world, as you have known it, is coming to and end. And, you realize you will NEVER have that world again. From this point forward, your relationship and your life WILL be different.

You struggle to control your feelings. You can’t sleep. A part of you is constantly thinking, ruminating about him/her, about your future, about what went wrong and about your shortcomings.

You have images and sharp clear pictures in your mind that disturb and won’t go away.

You revert back to old patterns of dealing with trauma; you act out, you cave in, you sleep too much, you don’t sleep enough, you eat too much, you don’t eat enough. You are distant or you are ever present. You swear. Or, you are super sweet. You rage against your spouse. Or, you rage against yourself.

You give up on what was pleasing and enjoyable for you.

You worry. You fret. You ruminate. You wonder.

You, in a word, are extremely anxious. Your feelings are all over.

Tension is your middle name, whether you exhibit that anxiety and tension to others or lock it deep within you as you feel frozen.

Note: I don’t particularly like the word anxiety. Anxiety is more of a medical term and can be confusing.

There is such an animal called “free floating” anxiety. This is the sort of anxiety that has no apparent or conscious connection to what a person is thinking. That’s not the type of anxiety I’m referring to in this report.

I’m referring to an anxious state. Perhaps a better word is worry. The anxiety I refer to is an anxious state in which the anxiety is tied to specific thoughts. You feel anxious when you worry about x, y or z.

I asked my readers what they worry most about in the midst of their marital crisis.

Here are just a few examples of what worry consumes some in a marital crisis:

“I worry that there are more things that I don’t know about — that she is still harboring secrets.”

“How do I get her to admit she is wrong? What can I do or say or find that I can put in front of her to get her to stop what she is doing?”

“I’m anxious and worried about being cut adrift and feeling isolated and alone in the world.”

“I worry about what is actually happening. I see behaviors which are erratic and appear to be to keep me away from the truth. He explodes with anger or is moody and quiet. Then sad and loving.”

“I guess that I’m afraid to be hurt again, it was the most searing pain I have ever experienced – the rejection, the emotional slap in the face, that everything i knew was now unstable, I had no foundation, nothing solid in my life to hold onto.”

“I worry whether or not I will survive intact emotionally.”

“I worry that I am going to be alone without the love of my life (after 36 years together) who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It has devastated me.”

“I worry that we will never be able to trust each other again. That I will never be able to talk to him without worrying that I am going to hit a trigger.”

“I worry that it will never end, never get to a better place. The pain and suffering will go on and on.”

“I worry the most about a divorce and finances.”

“Since mine involves an affair that my husband is not willing to be truthful about (I smelled a rat and followed him and found him and the other woman at a restaurant hugging and kissing, and confronted him only after he pulled off in his car.), I worry about GERMS.”

“I am most anxious about whether or not I can save my marriage, is there hope, will he leave the other woman and reconcile? Is it over will I be alone?”

“Because my husband never discussed any unhappiness with me, expertly hid his 5-year long affair, & left out-of-the-blue to live with the other woman, I worry we will never have any chance to save our marriage.”

Take a minute and catalog the worries that run through your mind and generate out-of-control feelings.

It’s Frightening to Truly Love

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:12:44 +0000

You see, to love someone and allow someone to love you is truly a risk. Loving and being loved in a genuine authentic, calm, I-can-take-a-deep-breath-and-trust-myself-with-you is downright scary for most of us.

It truly is!

A wise man once said, “The greatest risk is to love. Because in loving you will at one point

feel the pain of losing that love.” One will Death is the ultimate abandonment, of course.

Tell us your thoughts about the risk of love. Please leave your thoughs below.

Is the Distancing Spouse a Bad Person?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sat, 11 May 2013 21:07:15 +0000

Often the distancing spouse is viewed as the “bad” person.

You are perhaps fearful that others look at you and see you as not “trying” to make the marriage or relationship work. You may hear frequently from your spouse or s/he may imply that s/he is giving all the effort, is working on the relationship and you are not.

Labels may be attached to you: aloof, uncaring, insensitive, remote, angry, sullen, passive-aggressive, self-centered, and stubborn, to name a few.

Have you heard any of those terms or others cast in your direction?

Leave your comments below: What did you learn from this video?

How do you Handle Emotional Distance?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 10 May 2013 20:56:11 +0000

These are some major coping patterns, common to the human condition.

You automatically and unconsciously call upon YOUR coping pattern when life gets emotionally rough. That’s where you go. That’s what you do.

And, long, long ago, it worked. Your pattern seemed back then the best way for you to cope, considering a number of factors about you, your family and your world.

Your coping pattern is your default coping mode.

You use it time and time again, UNLESS, you become aware of your way to cope with intimacy and a part of you decides you want to try something different.

Please leave your thoughts below. How has his/her coping mechanisms contributed to the affair or infidelity?

Your Sexiness is a Trap

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 09 May 2013 20:48:59 +0000

If you are a female, you may carry the weight of believing you must be sexy. You must be provocative. You must look sexy. You must turn him on. Your breasts, you legs, your abs, your rear become the focus of your attention. You work hard to “strut your stuff” so that you can, as they say, “keep your man.”

You must be alluring. There needs to be a little mystery about you.

And, of course, when he is turned on you must be ready, waiting and responsive.

You know how important sex is to him and realize that those moments may be the moments in which he feels closest to you and values you the most. He equates sex with romance.

It is understandable that you pull away, as a part of you internally rebels at either romance or sexiness.

Please leave your comments below. How have the roles of being romantic or sexy contributed to the infidelity?

4 Reasons an Affair or Marital Crisis Kills your Self Esteem

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 19:14:33 +0000

Nothing tears at your self esteem and sense of well being more than a marital crisis.

The question is often posed to me by someone in the midst of a painful relationship upheaval: “What did I do wrong?”

You assume you failed. You ask yourself in the middle of the night, “What could I have done differently? If only I would have paid more attention, been less angry, been more positive, listened better, spent more time with” and the list of “If only I would haves” goes on and on.

You may feel terribly responsible and a part of you won’t let go of the idea that somehow, perhaps in glaring ways, you are to blame.

You kick yourself. You berate yourself. You want to turn the clock back. But, you can’t.

There’s another level to the erosion of self esteem and self respect as well; another pernicious level that rips a hole in your soul.

I hear a suffering spouse utter or imply, “What’s wrong with me, that this could happen?”

You may believe that the marital or relationship crisis points to the reality that you are in some way defective and inadequate.

That sense of being defective or inadequate is finally brought, at least from your point of view, into the open. You as a person are outed.

Your nagging sense of inadequacy, you so valiantly tried to mask or overcome is now exposed.

It is exceedingly difficult to manage well and recover effectively from your marital crisis with low self esteem or shattered sense of self.

I want to help you regain your self respect so you can get on with the job of healing and restoration.

Regaining your self respect often occurs when you understand that you are neither totally responsible nor defective and inadequate but marriage or a relationship of significant emotional investment provides a rich environment for self esteem to get flushed down the toilet.

Consider:

1. Marriage exposes you.

There is a vulnerability in all of us; at least all “normal” functioning people.

In most relationships you control others’ access to that part of you. You can hide. You can pretend. You can avoid.

You may attempt to use that same strategy with your spouse, but events, words and strong feelings emerge that cut through your façade and touch on that which you try to hide.

Your humanity, idiosyncrasies and foibles are exposed. They may or may not be accepted by your spouse. They may be acceptable to a degree at particular times.

2. You are taught an unrealistic ideal

We also are bombarded from the media and other forms of communication, even well intentioned self help people, with an image of marriage or being married that flies in the face of reality.

I watch parts of the “Bachelorette” on television and cringe. Is this what it means to “fall in love” or “be in love?” Are most of us really that naïve, or do we get off on the silliness and superficiality of the show?

Or, is there a part of you that longs to be swept off your feet to some exotic place and live with that “love” for the rest of your married lives?

And so we believe that these beautiful people “have it.” And, we don’t.

We feel our emptiness, our frustration, our resentment, our loneliness and we think, “What’s wrong with me/us?”

3. We create roles

We also attempt to cope in married life by adapting and living different roles, thinking, “This is how I’m supposed to act in a marriage.”

The husband plays the role of the provider. The woman is the nurturer.

The man plays the take charge role. The woman plays the submissive and helpless role.

One initiates sex. The other receives sex.

One is the strong silent type. The other is the gregarious seductive vixen.

One becomes the parent. The other becomes the child.

Roles may work for a period of time or may last the length of the marriage. However distance is perpetuated and you never truly encounter one another, only the roles.

The strain of the roles is shattered by a marital crisis.

4. Unfinished business

We take into our marriages the unfinished business of maturation. The patterns and thoughts about self, others, marriage, sex, intimacy, abandonment, etc. we carry along and place at the feet of our spouse, usually unconsciously.

The marital crisis is often an outbreak of unresolved and unfinished business from the past and has very little to do with you, the hurting spouse.

Understanding the powerful dynamics of a marital relationship or relationship of deep emotional commitment may help gain your self respect, knowing that many forces are outside your control, responsibility or sense of adequacy.

Another factor or way of thinking powerfully influences belief in your self.

I’m often asked, “How do you keep your sanity after you hear all the stories of heartbreak and pain from those enduring a marital or relational crisis? Don’t YOU get depressed?”

I’ve thought long and hard on this question. I’ve literally logged tens of thousands of hours of listening to pain and heartbreak of couples and individuals since 1983.

I know clearly and deep within me the answer.

I am able to hear stories of pain and anguish of different varieties, over and over again, because I have absolute and unswerving faith in a person’s capacity to dig deep within and bring to light and power the solutions to their problems, the healing to their relationships and themselves.

I convey the utmost confidence in your innate and given capacity to heal and guide yourself.

I’ve experienced this with thousands – moving beyond the despair, neediness and desperation – discovering their voice and power and creating a new life and new relationship. It truly is amazing.

I love. I care. I guide and I get out of the way!

Click here to get your personal coach.

Your Marriage Must Reflect Your Terms

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 16:35:00 +0000

This continues my speaking to the distant or pulling away spouse or partner…

You can and must move ahead in resolving the impasse in your marriage by stating your terms.

Your thoughts, your ideas, your observations, your opinions, your analysis and your reflections are your power.

And, it is your power that will give life to the marriage, if indeed it is to have life and flow and joy.

It is common for you as the distancing spouse to believe that to save the marriage or break the impasse, you must settle. You must cave in. You must accommodate. You must swallow and “be nice.” You must meet his/her needs. You must work on the marriage. You must express caring. You must “come back.”

Sorry, but that just will not work.

Oh yeah, it may seem like it offers relief. And, it may. But the relief will only be temporary and you will not create as sustainable loving marriage and walk hand in hand forever.

You can speak your voice – however uncomfortable that may sound at this point.

And you want to speak your voice in a way that honors you and your spouse.

The act of speaking your voice is often difficult in the beginning, since you probably have little experience or knowledge of how to effectively speak your voice and live your power.

Speaking your voice does not mean anger, control, loudness or contorted body language. There are many nuances to speaking your voice, which you can easily learn and give you the freedom to move ahead with a sense of direction, purpose and hope.

Speak your voice, you must, if you want to get yourself and the marriage off its ugly center and moving toward resolution that benefits all.

And, you will find a new sense of freedom and loving power that will shake you out of your old coping methods.

Your spouse WILL listen. And, most likely your spouse will deeply respect the words that come from your voice and heart.

S/he may experience you, the marriage or life differently, but, hey, that is truly OK. It’s better than Ok. It offers the two of you and opportunity to create a better world, if you should so choose.

You Truly Want Love in Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:04:48 +0000

This continues my speaking to the distant or pulling away spouse or partner…

You really want to love and be loved. You truly want love in your marriage.

Underneath your aloof exterior, or tough, you-can’t-touch-me act, or your constant but fruitless search to find that loving relationship, or your porcupine prickly attitude that keeps others at bay or your sad withdrawn demeanor that isolates you – you truly do want to love and be loved.

Yes, you do. More perhaps than you now realize.

Take a minute.

Isn’t this true? Don’t you truly want an intimate relationship in which you can feel appreciated, wanted, acknowledged, affirmed and to touch and be touched?

You want to be known and to know in a genuine heartfelt way.

You long for that.

Your toughness, your prickles, your withdrawal and your constant frenetic search is merely your way to cope.

That’s all it is! Period.

You see, to love someone and allow someone to love you is truly a risk.
Loving and being loved in a genuine authentic, calm, I-can-take-a-deep-breath-and-trust-myself-with-you is downright scary for most of us.

It truly is!

A wise man once said, “The greatest risk is to love. Because in loving you will at one point feel the pain of losing that love.” One will always leave the other: death being ultimate abandonment, of course.

As well, you probably have many hang ups about disclosing yourself to another, to allow someone to truly know your idiosyncrasies, the parts of you that are a little crazy and off kilter.

What will the other think? Will your spouse say, “Yes, indeed, you are a little (or a lot) off!”

And so you hold tight or flail, fearing that to love will only bring pain, rejection and more emptiness.

But, you really do want to love and be loved.

And you know what?

So does your spouse!

That’s a great beginning point for resolution – for both of you and the marriage or relationship.

Emotional Distance in a Marriage – Personal Needs and Frustration

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 16:14:12 +0000

You are lead to believe, are you not, that one of the primary purposes of marriage or a relationship of significant emotional involvement is to meet personal needs?

Once married or in a significant relationship, your partner will meet your personal needs, give you the attention and love you crave and desire and all that that means.

You will live happily ever after. You will be emotionally complete.

Countless books have been written about the crucial nature of meeting the other’s personal needs. Whole therapies have been developed over the years that focus on reciprocal need meeting as the panacea for a happy marriage or relationship.

And as you scan the media, as you encounter others at work or in other contexts, and if you look a little below the surface, you notice that getting personal needs met is a huge priority in our culture. The need for attention, the need for power, the need for success, the need for recognition, the need for control, the need for belonging, the need for adoration, the need for acknowledgement, the need for love are just a few that propel night and day. (In reality, I have a list of over 200 personal needs that fuel the fire of a person’s life.)

But, here’s one huge problem: need meeting is like trying to drain the ocean. It NEVER ends. There is NEVER ENOUGH!

Another problem: you are never able to “get beyond yourself.” Think about it. Need meeting is self-oriented (what can I do to get MY needs met.) Need meeting is fear oriented (what if it doesn’t happen? What if it’s not enough, or the right kind?)

Another problem: little room is left for other important aspects of your life. (What makes you unique? What can you contribute? What standards do you hold? What do YOU want to orient your life around that gives a deep sense of satisfaction and is not dependent on the whims of another?)

My little diversion here is important so you understand the power and ultimate futility of the personal need meeting process.

A tremendous amount of frustration and resentment builds in your marriage when you believe you must squelch yourself and spend inordinate time and energy going that extra mile to meet the personal needs of your spouse.

Resentment emerges as you begin to expect reciprocity. “I’ve met your needs; now when are you going to do the same for me?”

An internal scorecard emerges and the game playing begins. Intimacy, knowing and being knonw, flies out the marital window.

You feel the frustration because, from your point of view you have attempted to meet his/her needs, and yet s/he says, “Not enough! Nope, that wasn’t quite right! I need more! Do it again! Etc.

You may assume you know what your spouse needs. Even if you are intentional about meeting his or her needs, that need meeting may arise out of what you think s/he needs. Often what you think s/he needs is a projection of what you need or desire.

You become two ships passing in the night.

You begin to feel hopeless because a part of you knows, deep within you somewhere, that his/her personal needs have no end. You will NEVER FULLY meet his/her needs.

And so, you throw up your hands and distance.

Over the years in my clinical practice I’ve run into two common perpetual need meeting situations.

There is “daddy’s little girl” who growing up was the apple of her daddy’s eye, carried that pattern forward and expects that men should meet all her needs and treat her as a princess – all without her asking. She has a strong personal need for attention, especially from men.

The counter part is “mommy’s boy” who was overindulged (and usually emotionally denied) and “spoiled” by mom. Mom thought he could do no wrong. He carried that pattern forward and expects the world, specifically women, should wait on him hand and foot. Never should a need go unmet. He has strong personal needs for appreciation and adoration.

So, you ask, “Should I ignore his/her needs?”

No, of course not. Meeting the personal needs of your spouse may bring a sense of relief. However, that relief is only temporary.

Your distancing may mean that you are mired in the frustration and sense of inadequacy in EVER getting this need meeting process right.

For, now I want you to understand that the frustration and resultant distance you create is normal and typical, especially for the Yellow Marriage which has at its core the pursuing-distancing cycle. (page 98 in “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking.’”)

This cycle is usually wrapped around the pursuer attempting to get his/her personal needs met and the distancer backing away, out of a sense of deep frustration and resentment, believing that the ocean will never be drained.