cheating wife – Break Free from the Affair

Does Plastic Surgery Increase the Likelihood of Infidelity?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 18:59:26 +0000

I would like to share with you an email I received from one of my readers:

I hope it is okay to send this question to you, as I have benefited greatly from your website and information over the past 15 months, and I wanted to see if you had ever considered this issue. If it is something you have not looked at, maybe it would be worthy of your consideration.

A friend and I have come to the belief that cosmetic surgery (especially with women) increases the likelihood of infidelity. Our first thoughts were anecdotal, from personal experience and the experiences of women in our circle of friends, but we came to believe that it is not a coincidence. Our initial thoughts centered on women with breast implants, but quickly grew to include those with liposuction, gastric bypass and other forms of surgery. I’m curious of your thoughts.

Our first premise is that all people can be placed on a bell curve designating their propensity/likelihood for infidelity, with one end being “no chance ever” and the other end being “gonna do it no matter what.” Most all fall somewhere in between, and are affected by their situations, environment, interactions, etc…

Second, we know that cosmetic surgery is exactly that — cosmetic. By definition, it will enhance a person’s appearance with regard to society’s standards and what is generally accepted as attractive, or the norm. With this, comes an increased level of confidence and self-esteem, two things that are also associated with attractiveness.

So, with an increased level of physical attractiveness, and increased confidence and self esteem, we think it is a given that a person will receive additional attention from potential affair partners. Whether that attention is in the form of social conversations, romantic overtures, or whatever, every bit of increased attention and opportunity will move a person closer to the “gonna do it” end of the curve. Whether or not physical appearance is the final factor in determining how far a relationship will go, it is certainly an initial factor, affecting most people’s interest in an introduction or a starting point for interaction. With more starting points, with more first steps, there will be more second steps, and more third, and so on and so on. Therefore, when taken as a whole, we think that persons with cosmetic surgery have a greater likelihood for infidelity than for those without surgery.

I’ve scoured the internet, looking for a scientific study that addresses this, and found very little. I’m attaching the one study I found, which does not specifically address infidelity, but does have statistics with regard to significant increases in the number of sexual partners and in alcohol use among women with breast implants. Maybe this is old news to you, but it is something that I have not seen discussed, and I wanted to ask your opinion.

Thank you for your time, and I hope that you will take a moment (or more) to share your thoughts with me.

If you have an opinion on this controversial topic, please feel free to comment below. I greatly appreciate and value your feedback.

Confronting the Other Woman: Pain or Panacea?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:12:39 +0000

Should you confront the other woman/man?

I’ve done some research on this very topic. I have around 200 case studies of real people facing infidelity telling their stories of confronting the other person and am in the middle of gleaning words of wisdom.

When I initially began this research I assumed confronting the other person would be a no win situation – that it would merely stir a messy pot that would overflow and the situation would be worse than before.

Now, I’m not so sure. Here’s a case study. Please leave your comment and bookmark, if you think worthy.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I called her the day after I confirmed the affair and confronting my husband (cell phone records). I left her a nice message saying that I was his wife, we had been together 16 years, had 2 young kids, I was a recent cancer survivior and that I would like her to leave us alone. I never got a response from her but my husband said she felt bad about it and they weren’t talking anymore (yeah right!). About a month later I confirmed it was ongoing and called her with my husband in the room. I wasn’t nice and told her to back off or I would let her husband know (he had no idea) and also her job (high ranking gov. attorney). She tried to tell me it wasn’t her fault….my marriage was disinegrating and there was nothing I could do about it….she knew we had two small kids and she thought they were beautiful since she has seen so many pictures!! She was horrible and cruel and didn’t care at all. All I did was add fuel to the fire when I contacted her. When we hung up she sent me a text message saying: Me single is your worst nightmare! Better think twice before you make any calls!!! I didn’t respond.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The affair continued and only got stronger. I kicked my husband out of the house 2 months after that call. He is still out of the house and it’s been almost 2 years! She lives 5 hours away (always has). He lives close to me and the kids. We are still married with no talk of divorce. The other woman is in the process of a messy divorce. To top it all off she gave birth to a daughter several months ago and DNA proves it belongs my husband. It’s a hard situation but we are trying to make the best of it all. We have not told our children (8 and 10). He has contact with the child and other woman but claims it’s just for the child. They fight all the time and she sends me nasty text messages and hang up calls. She thrives on the drama. I never respond….that is what she wants and I refuse to engage her petty, high school antics. All this from a very high ranking state employed attorney!!!!!!!! Come to find out she suffers from depression/panic/anxiety and is on meds. I’m still charging ahead and hanging in there. I haven’t lost hope.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, I would do it differently. I would never have contacted her. I wouldn’t have kicked my husband out of the house. I would have held my cards much closer to my chest. I’ve never contacted or talked to her husband and I wouldn’t change that…I feel if I had contacted him in the beginning instead of her they would have been divorced a long time ago. The second he found out he filed…I think he was glad to be rid of her and finally had reason. My husband has confessed to me recently that she had affairs with 3 other men (in a 3 year time span) before she met him and her husband still has no idea!! This was my husbands only affair. I thought we had a great, stable marriage. I honestly think my illness is what set things off. So, I’d advise others to never contact the other person…..you never know what you will get. I just ending up adding fuel to the fire and extending the drama. Exactly what the other woman thrives on!!

Pain of Infidelity: Knowing his/her “Hole” Helps with Your Infidelity Pain

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:13:10 +0000

A key to diminishing the pain of infidelity and agony is to see your cheating spouse as having the problem.

And, the reality is: It IS his/her problem.

The affair or infidelity is his/her problem – his/her attempt to somehow fill a “hole,” fill a void, meet some intense long-suffering personal need or undo some theme or pattern in his/her life that has been haunting him/her long before s/he met you.

And you can say…”Sure, how do I know that? Or, “That’s easy for you to say!”

It does take some understanding of the complexity of the affair or infidelity to come to the conclusion that it IS his/her problem. After all you have been so invested in him/her, your lives entangled with one another, with the children, with your work, with your activities that it’s difficult to believe that you had nothing to do with his/her choice to pursue an affair which has caused this horrific pain of infidelity.

As well, the affair triggers in you, your points of vulnerability, your unresolved patterns that go way back, your doubts and fears about your adequacy, sexually and in other ways.

So, it is difficult to disentangle and see an affair with clarity and for what it truly is.

I’ve been thinking long and hard recently about the impact of my materials and why people contact me frequently thanking me for the relief from the pain of infidelity they experience with my information.

I think I present a practical, in-depth look at the complexity, patterns and nuances of infidelity that is not found elsewhere.

Let me give you an example of how I address the pain of infidelity:

I list 7 types of affairs, each unique, each with underlying patterns.

And for each affair I attempt to present the motives one might have for engaging in that type of affair.

To get at the motives, I list the personal characteristics of a person who most likely would pursue that type of affair.

Let’s look at the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.

My research and clinical experience allowed me to come to the conclusion that such a person typically expresses these characteristics:

• At one time was clingy and fairly passive in the marriage
• Does not want to take responsibility for his/her behavior
• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star
• May have bouts of sadness and dejection
• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate, weak, reluctant and seemingly incapable of expressing own desires wants, needs, ideas (doesn’t know what they are)
• Can be very generous and has difficulty saying no
• May be naive or Polly Anna like
• More passive, does not like competition
• May be closely attached to parents
• May be overprotected by parents
• May typically express put-downs about self
• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough
• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated

Now there are solid psychological reasons for coming to these conclusions. I won’t bore you with those details.

Suffice it to say that many when coming across this list (and I have a list for all 7 types of affairs) breath a sigh of relief and say… “That’s him/her!”

And, they are off… feeling better, breaking free from the pain of infidelity and beginning to chart a very specific well designed plan that will alter the course of the affair.

Erase the Pain of Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Quickly

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:12:03 +0000

If you recently discovered that your spouse is cheating, you may find it difficult to believe that the intense pain of infidelity you feel can be erased quickly.

Well, yes it can.

But, diminishing the pain of infidelity is not hocus-pocus.

Erasing the pain of infidelity, or at least finding immense relief from the pain, occurs under particular conditions and mental and behavioral shifts you make as you begin the recovery and healing process from the infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

Many drowning in the agony and pain find this type of relief once they spend an hour or two integrating the practical, unique information I present in my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair.”

The pain is erased for very specific reasons. You will learn those reasons as you move through my site and become familiar with my “take” on infidelity that has been researched and clinically tested with thousands of individuals and hundreds of couples since I began my private practice in Marriage and Family Therapy in 1981.

Welcome to my blog.

Your comments are gold. Please deposit them!

You will find that part of your relief will emerge as you meet others moving along the same predictable path as you.

Wishing you the best,

Bob

Dr. Bob Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Helping thousands deal with the pain of infidelity