Holiday Tips #7 and #8 – The Kitchen Timer and Bathroom

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00:21 +0000

7. Use a Timer

When you notice the 8, 9 or 10 (see Holiday Tip #1), set a timer for 2 minutes. During those 2 minutes write down every thought in your mind. No censorship. Write down every feeling, where it’s located and what it is like. Write furiously.

When the timer goes off, say to yourself, “OK, I’m done for now. I know there are important issues that I demand my attention. And, I want to get to the bottom of them. But, for now I must (fill in the blank.) Thank that part that has the concerns and inform it that when it appears again you will pay attention to it. You will come back to it in the future.

Use this exercise whenever the pain and thoughts spike.

8. Use the bathroom

You are surrounded by friends and family and you feel awful. You are trying hard, but you are managing. Then someone says something or something happens that is a powerful trigger for your negative thoughts and feelings. You want to burst into tears, rage, scream or in some way explode. But, another part of you believes it’s not appropriate and will not be received well.

Excuse yourself to the bathroom, or some other corner of privacy and use one or more of the techniques we discuss here, to reduce your pain and negative thinking. (Use the 1-10 scale to monitor.)

Holiday Tip #3: Accept and Maximize How You Cope

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 12:00:12 +0000

Tip #3 for dealing with the stress of marriage trouble during the holidays is to accept and maximize how you cope.

There are different ways of coping with the encountered pain and fear of life. Allow me to offer 3 general and different ways people cope with emotional trauma.

1. Some withdraw and avoid. They do not want to face the feelings and thoughts. They do not want to face others. And so, they retreat and withdraw. They find a cave and crawl into it.

2. Some work hard at socializing and gathering people around them. They want the interaction and input from others. The interaction and tendency to focus on the other provides an escape from the inner pain and fear.

3. Others throw themselves into challenges and activates (work, play, exercise, etc.) They burn up the adrenaline and feel as if they are accomplishing something at the same time.

We learn and adopt these patterns very early in life. And in some situations a pattern seems to work and serve us well. Knowing your pattern helps you establish a strategy during the Holiday Season.

If you tend to withdraw, find yourself a stack of self-help books and begin reading. Use the internet to do research on marital conflict. Take time to meditate, think and write. Go inside yourself (you know how to do this very well) to find the answers. (Yes, they are there!) Explore your inner world and listen to your wisdom.

If you enjoy socializing, contact close friends, share your needs and negotiate with them to be there for you through the Holiday Season. Let them know what you need. Talk. Talk. Talk. And in the talking you will discover the answers and your pain will be mitigated. Don’t be afraid to lean on others, but let them know what you are looking for. Find a good therapist or coach to be a helpful sounding board and confidence booster. Self help groups might be a source of comfort and strength.

If you are a doer, engage in an intentional problem solving modality. Define your problem, throw out the solutions, choose a solution and DO it. Then go back and evaluate how well it worked. List 2-3 activities that will help lessen your pain and wandering thoughts. Choose something that is particularly challenging since you most likely value challenge. Keep your blood stirred.

holidays and stress – Break Free from the Affair

Holiday Tips #7 and #8 – The Kitchen Timer and Bathroom

Holiday Tip #3: Accept and Maximize How You Cope