distant spouse – Break Free from the Affair

Think Marital Resolution

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 18:06:40 +0000

This continues my speaking to the distant or pulling away spouse or partner…

You are encouraged or in other ways told it is important for you to “work on the marriage.”

The underlying message is to shape up, meet the needs of your spouse, get closer and make sure that the marriage does not end.

You are perceived as the recalcitrant spouse, the uncooperative one and the bad person for not getting with the program.

You receive this message from others. And, you may believe that of yourself as well, at least to a degree that is disturbing.

You believe it is important therefore to swallow the not so nice words on the tip of your tongue or to capitulate and give in to the needs and requests of your spouse – to move close.

You must put your concerns, your confusion and your pain behind you and “work on the marriage.”

Often a polarity emerges in which you are forced to decide whether you are in or out. Perhaps your spouse asks you to make that decision. Perhaps family and friends offer their opinion to either get in or walk away.

So you think: I either must act like a wonderful spouse, even if I don’t feel like it, or I must bolt and divorce. There is no middle ground.

You also begin to compare and think in polarity of bad and good.

My life here really sucks. This is terrible. I can’t stand this anymore.

And…

There must be something better out there. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone else; who truly loves, appreciates and cares for me.

And so your world becomes the witchy ugly world of your marriage and the fantasy of being with someone who truly “gets” you.

It’s all or nothing.

In your more rational moments you realize that the grass, as they say, is not always greener over there.

Statistics and other input suggest that second marriages have a very low success rate and the encounter with ugliness in your marriage will, very likely, also rear its head in a future marriage or relationship.

Here’s a tip: Think resolution not saving your marriage.

You want to resolve the crisis in your life and in your marriage.

You want resolution of your pain, emptiness and frustration.

You want to get at the bottom of your dissatisfaction, now; not later.

You do not want to go through this marital desert again…ever!

And the sooner you resolve the swirling of the marriage and the confusion in your life, the better able you will be to honor your self in the presence of your spouse, whether you choose to remain with him/her or exit.

Do not think: Can this marriage be saved?

Think: How can I resolve the pain in this relationship?

The Distant Spouse: I Must be Romantic or Sexy

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 15:50:20 +0000

You, as the pulling away spouse, may be requested to be more “romantic” or “sexy.”

The request may be direct: “I want you to be more romantic or sexy,” or you pick up from the need system of your spouse that s/he thinks it would be wonderful if you were more romantic or sexy, to meet his/her needs.

As a male you are asked to be more romantic. If you are a typical male, this strikes a scary cord within.

Romance is a loaded word.

You think of some stud, with piercing eyes and sly soft smile who knows how to whoooo a woman and “sweep her off her feet.” You are expected to say the right thing at the right time with a particular tone of voice and body language.

Flowers, chocolates, staring into her eyes in the moonlight, love filled text messages, cards which express your undying passionate love and words that frequently express how much you want her become your model.

And, deep within you, maybe not so deep, you realize that you feel terribly inadequate being that stud.

You cannot measure up. You may feel inadequate with words in expressing your deep feelings of love.

You think of the sexual encounter and again, you may not be the sensitive caring stud you believe she wants.

If you are a female, you may carry the weight of believing you must be sexy.

You must be provocative.

Of course you must look sexy.

You must turn him on.

Your breasts, you legs, your abs, your rear become the focus of your attention. You work hard to “strut your stuff” so that you can, as they say, “keep your man.”

You must be alluring. There needs to be a little mystery about you.

And, of course, when he is turned on you must be ready, waiting and responsive.

You know how important sex is to him and realize that those moments may be the moments in which he feels closest to you and values you the most. He equates sex with romance.

It is understandable that you pull away, as perhaps, a part of you internally rebels at either romance or sexiness.

When your spouse or partner indicates a need for romance or sexiness, it is just that: neediness.

And, at some level you want your relationship and marriage based on more than the constant empty games of romance and sexiness.

As well, an underlying tension, a fairly large elephant in the room, spoils your mood and undercuts the enjoyment of your spouse and your relationship as you flirt with being romantic or sexy.

Romance and sexiness demand a performance on your part.

Romance and sexiness are not love.

You must measure up to being romantic and sexy as defined in the movies, tabloids, advertising and other forms of media that tell you whom you must be to be romantic and sexy.

Who wants to perform in a marriage?

Who wants to live up to artificial cultural illusions?

I don’t and I assume you don’t either.

Consider this also: pulling away or distancing in your marriage or with your partner is often interpreted as you lacking “feelings” or “sensitivity.”

I’ve worked with literally thousands in my clinical practice and I can assure that you, as a man, or “emotionally remote” woman HAVE feelings.

Your spouse may be the one who seemingly majors in feelings; seems more expressive or at least is more verbal. (Frequently, having “feelings” means one is entitled to express frustration, anger, disgust or self-pity, which deflect from the underlying more accurate feelings of hurt or fear.)

And, is often the case, a balance is achieved in a marriage whereby one is more expressive and the other more reserved. Each comes to rely on the other for either being expressive or reserved – perhaps a good problems solver or thinker.

You have feelings.

They are real.

They are powerful.

They DO exist.

They have validity.

Your challenge may be first identifying your underlying feelings (you perhaps haven’t had to, to this point) and stating those feelings in ways that honor you and get the response you truly desire from your significant other.

Can I Trust Again? Or…Too Much Damage?

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:26:02 +0000

This is part 2 of my transcript on trust with Nat.

Her second question relates to the amount of damage and her capacity to trust and rebuild.

Nat: Part of that is, is there is a point when there’s been so much damage done that after I found out about this and with him continuing to flirt with other women, I would get so upset about the flirting even if it was innocent. Where I kind of got to the point, where I thought, there’s been so much damage done that I’m just not going to be able to trust him again, because he has this need to interact with these other women. Or is that something that we could work on?

Bob: OK. You have decided that you can’t trust him, is that correct?

Nat: Yes.

Bob: 90 percent of you has decided that you can’t trust him.

Nat: Yes.

Bob: 85 percent of you says I’m out of here. Is that correct?

Nat: Right. That’s about right.

Bob: OK. You have made a decision. Also, please know that these decisions are never a 100 percent. There will always be doubts and you’ll always question your decision probably at some level. Maybe 10, 15 percent of the time.

Nat: Right.

Bob: Is that helpful?

Nat: Yes. I think so.

Bob: Are you sure? OK, what else is going on here for you?

Nat: Well, I guess my question was, can a person get past these feelings and trust somebody after so much damage has been done. I know the answer is yes, but it seems like too much of a hurdle.

Bob: You’re asking a great question, and there’s no concrete answer for that. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and it doesn’t happen quickly. I say that trust is a function of time and predictability. In other words, he needs to be predictable over a period of time for you to feel like you can trust him. And it sounds like that’s not happening. Correct?

Nat: Right.

Bob: And rebuilding trust, I’m working hard at generating some new material on this and they’ll be coming out probably in the next six months. But you’re not alone in this. There are a high number of people who go through infidelity and the big question is, will I ever be able to trust him or her again? Or will I ever be able to trust myself again? Maybe that’s the primary question. I’ve been hurt here and can I ever entrust myself to someone else. That’s also another chunk of this.