postpass2 Comments on: How Do I Get Him to Talk? https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/ How to Survive Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs: Find the Help, Advice and Coaching Your Marriage Needs. Tue, 21 Aug 2018 21:17:15 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.8 By: Anonymous https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-126312 Tue, 21 Aug 2018 21:17:15 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-126312 In reply to Ally.

You are right, Ally. I do not think anything works when you are dealing with a narcissist.

]]> By: Carol https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-120268 Mon, 15 Jan 2018 14:48:26 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-120268 In reply to Ally.

Yes, spot on. It always bothered me when our therapists would say “Monogamy is a discipline” and “Men have to put on their emotional armor everyday to resist the onslaught of desirable females walking around.” I was blown away, living in a naive little world in which people always mean what they say and are basically kind. Now I know better. I think the lust has always been with us; it’s just more out in the open these days and it’s easier than ever to act on it. Still, that means it’s becoming the “new normal” as so many other narcissistic behaviors are these days. Listen to Nancy Griffith’s “I Knew Love When It Was More Than Just a Word”. Then listen to Dan Fogelberg’s “Sometimes a Song”. Two drastically different messages but good music therapy. Dance to them with your spouse. Ask him which of the songs resonates more about what kind of husband he wants to be. Sometimes music reaches them when nothing else does. Peace.

]]> By: Ally https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-120266 Mon, 15 Jan 2018 09:51:54 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-120266 In reply to Felipe!.

Felipe. You are spot on! I love what you’ve written. Where are the values these days? Narcissism is rife.
Everywhere is a lack of emotional maturity and a sense of “entitlement” .. everyone selfishly chasing their own happiness and abandoning their long term families for “greener pastures”. I just don’t get it either!!

]]> By: Felipe! https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-120260 Mon, 15 Jan 2018 02:46:15 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-120260 WOW! Reading these old posts, and living the excruciating ordeal that is my own marriage, I have to wonder this one simple question: What the hell is wrong with everyone?! Is it that difficult to make a vow, a commitment, and then just stick with it? Marriage may be a by-gone tradition with little value in our world today, but it still remains the highest and best possible social construct any two people could ever want in this lifetime, if only it were conducted properly. At the least, if you agree to marry someone, don’t one day decide that your spouse doesn’t exist and start pretending you are a single teenager/ 20 something again. This is especially true when young children are involved. I am sick an damn tired of people causing emotional damage to their families THAT THEY AGREED TO CREATE TOGETHER simply because one person ‘changed their minds’. If it’s that bad, then do the right thing and go file for divorce, move out, and just go away. My wife decided years ago that she wanted something else without first researching marriage/ relationships and how to have a great one with her spouse. This has left me working all day to make the money to pay bills, then coming home to stay with the children while she gets all made up to go ‘out’ looking like a young, single 20 something. Really?! She is 39, married, and the mother of 2, so how about accept what we agreed to create together and make that work for all of us? Same for everyone else out there. It seems that, more often than not, one spouse (usually the H) one day decides, “You know, I need to ditch my family and start dating again”. BS! Stop emotionally torturing your spouses and children, accept what you have, and learn to love it/ live with it. If not, then there’s the door. Tell the kids you love them, but must selfishly go pursue other things in life. Pack your stuff, and go file for divorce, and never come back. That simple. This whole ‘I’ve been in a 40 year relationship with a W or H who doesn’t love me and cheats every time the wind blows is total crap. If you do this, especially when you are married to a loving and loyal spouse, then you are a horrible, moral-less person, and do not deserve to live on this earth any more. Grow up, people and make the most out of what you already have. Being selfish is hurting other people – people you are supposed to love unconditionally. If this is you, then please F off and go live by yourself in a cave.

]]> By: Leslie https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-117799 Sun, 01 Oct 2017 04:35:37 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-117799 In reply to Corryn Howden.

Corryn~ how has your life been since your confrontation? It has been over 6 years since this recording & I hope your life is blessing you no matter what happened with your husband.. This has empowered me.. My husband is addicted to the newness of “loving other women”.. I found this out a year ago.. His affair ended at that time as I was going to get a divorce & his girl friend did not want a commitment .. He wants the security.. but he also wants the high! :( He is faithful at the moment, but we do not have a good relationship .. He keeps it peaceful.. but My needs are not met with a loving relationship…

]]> By: Schnueffel https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-117687 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 00:10:23 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-117687 I can relate to all the posts as they all show different approaches to the same topic.
The very foundation of a relationship was violated by your spouse. It is in most of the cases their crisis not yours. As human beings we have to accept that we all are vulnerable
to temptation especially nowadays.
Our relationship too was interfered with by an outside usurper who sensed the vulnerability of my husband. The first question you have to ask yourself how is – how was the marriage ? Was it good is it really worth fighting for? If the answer is yes then
I might give some advice.
I tried everything to get my husband to talk . It always ended up in a fight and days of antagonism.. Did that help me ? No my questions in my head followed me wherever I went and I didn’t get any answers. I think we need a clearer picture of the affair to be able to assess the damage and to break into that secrecy which was established in the affair. I did a lot of snooping and I found out my beautiful husband sold
everything which meant anything to me to this predator who just wanted my life.
Years and years I contemplated to leave . Because my husband would just not talk about it I found in myself no resolve and you are all so right to say “what about me”. Why do we
treat these cheaters almost like victims?
Because we love them and we are the stronger part in the relationship.
Men cheat often for slightly different reasons then women and the meaning of their affair is often not as deep as we think. One thing is sure- it is not you -who made him cheat. After I tortured myself for almost 11 years to find solutions or better approaches and to heal my heart I came to the following conclusion. I accept that basically my husband is a good and loving human being who loves his family and friends. He made this one off mistake and cannot talk about it nor can he officially admit it. Ok he has a skeleton in the cupboard but thats it. My heart is broken and I mended it as good as I could mend it myself. I am now my best friend and I can honestly say I still love my husband. However if he decides the grass is greener on the other side he is free to go and must go.
Because I am my best friend I will never accept another of these unbelievable destructive episodes. Don’t waste your beautiful time on the planet with someone who hasn’t grown up.

]]> By: Carol Kauffman https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-110015 Fri, 07 Oct 2016 13:19:00 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-110015 My heart goes out to everyone in these kinds of situations. People who haven’t experienced this kind of disenfranchised grief and pain have no clue. I have been in the “post infidelity world” for over 30 years, After finding out about numerous affairs one nighters, porn, 3somes,etc. still married for over 40, but it’s been a long, excruciating saga. I’ve been coordinator of support groups, done the therapies, journaled my heart out, and had thousands of hours of talk with my H. I guess I am one of the “lucky ones”- my H has changed his stripes finally, realizing he “doesn’t want to leave a legacy like my father’s” (who was a chronic philanderer and finally left his mom penniless). Well, that’s nice but the emotional damage for me can’t ever be totally undone. On the other hand, all the people who have finally taken the step and divorced report they are much happier about 3-5 years later. Most have found a new partner who has the integrity they now know is essential for a good marriage. I have no answers except to say figure out your own boundaries, what you can tolerate, what would be the ultimate deal breaker, respect yourself, and don’t be afraid to live by your own rules. You are worthy!!

]]> By: Nana https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-494 Sat, 23 Apr 2011 00:49:18 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-494 Natalie- I struggle with the admit. I want him to tell me everything and his response last time is you would only add it to the list of things we can’t do or you would never take me back. (I had to get him mad to get him to finally admit there is more) Then I think, what else do I need to know, what is the magic knowledge that will allow me to move on? Who am I to even consider taking him back? I am a strong person, but just not with this. Alan- please share where and how you found the strength? I can’t seem to maintain it. I know part of it is due to my wanting it to be wrong and not accepting deep down this has happend. I keep expecting to wake up and it just be a nightmare. I am an smart person, but I still know that is how I feel deep down. And when I am tired and just needing that reassurance I succumb to the mindless conversation that is us.
He doesn’t want to leave me, he wants to move back in. He wants to make it as if it didn’t happen and maintains that it will ‘make us stronger’ without any plan on how that would happen. His whole answer is time. Time will heal. My opinion is he is hoping time will make me forget.
I am planning on telling him this weekend I don’t want to see him unless I have to. I have been building myself up to this all week. Strength would be nice.
Good luck to both of you.

]]> By: Alan https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-493 Fri, 22 Apr 2011 07:50:50 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-493 This situation is identical to mine, 30 years married and my wife has this friendship which develops into affair.
Once we get over the trauma and understand that this is classic Mid Life Crisis then we know that this is NOTHING ABOUT US. They need boundaries defined. It will take time and it is painful. We need to be seen as strong because as Bob says they are completely confused, feel guilty, but dont see a way forward. As Bob says, make it clear that you have needs, they are not meeting them and you are looking for that good relationship.
They want space, then give them it, let them leave or you move away for a time. (I moved away but support her financially).
Now you have set a boundary and you focus on you being strong, because this is nothing about you. It is their problem and you can understand but dont need to accept bad behaviour.
My wife may not come out of this, but I will be OK. You can do this and once you demonstrate your strength it will be respected. The outcome is unknown but you push the odds in your favour.
Strength is what they dont have and what they need right now.
Dont be in a hurry to take them back. You want assurances that this other person is gone and there will be no more. Or you will find another partner. Believe me once you are strong this is an easy thing to do. Your future is good.

]]> By: Natalie https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2011/04/11/how-do-i-get-him-to-talk/#comment-492 Wed, 20 Apr 2011 20:41:45 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=414#comment-492 Nana,

Other than the fact that your husband is out of state, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

My husband also doesn’t admit to anything. He is in complete denial. Then, when I show him the proof I have, he blows up and somehow it becomes all my fault.

I also agree that we, the wounded spouses, should NOT always have to be the ones to bend and play the game of trying to carry everything on our shoulders.

Like your husband, my husband would come home and act like it never happened, so long as I promise never to bring it up. He doesn’t want to face what has really gone on in our marriage. Even if I did that (not going to happen) I have no guarantee that he won’t ever do this again. According to him however, he’s done nothing. It makes me sick!

Where do we go from here? What can we do to make these people, whom we love so much, behave like decent and honest men?

I also think about what sort of a fool I must be to even consider taking the man back, should he confess to everything and get help. I must be a person who loves agony and heartache… how sad.

While I still think the call was enlightening, it doesn’t really get to the point of “Getting him to talk” … how about “Getting him to admit”??????

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