Charging
neutral is a key skill I teach in Break
Free From the Affair. It is helpful in most situations and
crucial in particular kinds of affairs.
Readers
often have a difficult time putting "charging neutral"
into practice. It sometimes is confused with "backing off,"
being nice or "faking it til you make it." Those phrases
don't do justice to the power and skill of charging neutral.
Charging
neutral means you are intimately connected to that important person
but you are not reacting to that person. Your feelings thoughts
and actions are under your control. You speak the truth
and you speak it directly and powerfully. However, you most likely
will use a quiet voice. Charging neutral carries power because
you are coming from your heart, your center.
OK,
enough abstractions. I've been working a while with Susan as her
"Infidelity Coach." Her husband has decided to end his
affair although he spends significant time "pining"
for the OP. You can imagine how Susan feels. We've been working
on charging neutral.
Here
is an e-mail to me from Susan and my response.
Hi
Bob,
I
felt a little better and stronger about myself after talking with
you on Friday. I decided that I wasn't going to sit back and just
try to be the nice person anymore. That wasn't doing anything.
I had a discussion with Greg on Saturday morning. I used the "charge
neutral" approach and I think it went pretty well. I calmly
and firmly told him that I was not going to play anymore games
and that I had a life to live for me and my children. I told him
that I was not going to sit around while he moped over his girlfriend.
He admitted that he thinks about her a lot and he had been thinking
that he wasn't sure if he had made the right choice or not. He
said that he knew that she had never been faithful to him and
that she never would but he still had feelings for her that he
couldn't get over. I told him that even though I didn't like the
thought of that at all that I did understand it. After all, he
was spending a lot of time with her over the past two years. He
said that most of it was about the companionship and how she needed
him and wanted a way out of her own marriage, even though the
sexual relationship was also a factor.
I
told him that either we were going to resolve to put our marriage
back together and move forward in resolving our problems or I
would move forward myself. I'm not going to be made a fool of
anymore. Surprisingly, he seemed to make a shift in his whole
attitude. He was in a much better mood the rest of the weekend
and he was very attentive toward me. I am not sure what to make
of this, though. This could be another temporary attitude on his
part and he could go right back to his depressed state which I
find difficult to tolerate. I deserve better than to sit and wait
for him to get over his feelings for her. Is it possible that
his feelings for her will fade, or will they linger and get stronger
as the days pass that he is away from her and missing her? I'm
a little confused as to how to follow through now. Can you give
me some advice as to how to stay the course on this?
Thanks
for your help, Susan
Hi
Susan,
Thanks
for writing. Wow… you are right on target and sounds like
you did a terrific job of confronting him with the truth. And,
you can confront him in a caring positive way. As well, your words
spoke the truth and he knew it and he obviously like it, considering
how he responded to you. Such a response, when you take your position
and state it in a forceful but charging neutral fashion, is predictable.
He likes that! Yes, his feelings for the OP will fade and not
emerge again. He needs to look at his personal needs and how he
can best get them met in ways that bring honor and integrity to
him. Continue listening to him and also continue stating your
position in different ways. Fill in the blanks for him, in terms
of what is important for you. What you will and will not tolerate.
I hope this is helpful. Talk to you Friday,
Bob
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