You Truly Want Love in Your Marriage

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:04:48 +0000

This continues my speaking to the distant or pulling away spouse or partner…

You really want to love and be loved. You truly want love in your marriage.

Underneath your aloof exterior, or tough, you-can’t-touch-me act, or your constant but fruitless search to find that loving relationship, or your porcupine prickly attitude that keeps others at bay or your sad withdrawn demeanor that isolates you – you truly do want to love and be loved.

Yes, you do. More perhaps than you now realize.

Take a minute.

Isn’t this true? Don’t you truly want an intimate relationship in which you can feel appreciated, wanted, acknowledged, affirmed and to touch and be touched?

You want to be known and to know in a genuine heartfelt way.

You long for that.

Your toughness, your prickles, your withdrawal and your constant frenetic search is merely your way to cope.

That’s all it is! Period.

You see, to love someone and allow someone to love you is truly a risk.
Loving and being loved in a genuine authentic, calm, I-can-take-a-deep-breath-and-trust-myself-with-you is downright scary for most of us.

It truly is!

A wise man once said, “The greatest risk is to love. Because in loving you will at one point feel the pain of losing that love.” One will always leave the other: death being ultimate abandonment, of course.

As well, you probably have many hang ups about disclosing yourself to another, to allow someone to truly know your idiosyncrasies, the parts of you that are a little crazy and off kilter.

What will the other think? Will your spouse say, “Yes, indeed, you are a little (or a lot) off!”

And so you hold tight or flail, fearing that to love will only bring pain, rejection and more emptiness.

But, you really do want to love and be loved.

And you know what?

So does your spouse!

That’s a great beginning point for resolution – for both of you and the marriage or relationship.

8 More Communication Blunders That Absolutely Destroy Intimacy

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Tue, 10 May 2011 12:00:36 +0000

1. You tell him/her what to do. “You must take a look at this issue.” “You must communicate more.” “You need intensive counseling.”

2. You elicit guilt. “You are hurting the children.” “You are hurting others around you.” “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “_________ people don’t do this.”

3. You give black and white ultimatums. Do this or do that. “Get help or get out.”

4. You speak for both of you. “Let’s get help for the marriage.” “Let’s recommit.” “Let’s work on it together.” “Let’s look past the past.” “I want us to create a strong marriage.”

5. You speak for him/her. “I know this is difficult for you.” “You think I’m trying to control you.” “I understand what it feels like for you.”

6. You abdicate responsibility. “You must tell me if you can do x, y or z, so I can decide what to do.” “You must commit to me so I can commit to you.”

7. You engage in Pollyanna talk. “I love you very much. We’ve always been best friends and we can work this out.”

8. Playing shrink with the other. “You are too caught up in your feelings.” “Your problems go way back to your mother.” “You must have an emotional block somewhere.”

Make note of these blocks. Observe yourself over time, especially when confronting strong feelings and intense thoughts in your relationship. Do you default to any of these blunders?

save my marriage – Break Free from the Affair

You Truly Want Love in Your Marriage

8 More Communication Blunders That Absolutely Destroy Intimacy