Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 2

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 15:38:31 +0000

Marriage myths continued….Click here to read Part 1.

4. Loving someone is natural and should come easily. Behind this is the idea that one should be able to read the mind of another. What most mean by “loving” is having romantic, warm, sexual feelings of attraction. This powerful feeling often happens in the beginning of a relationship. Much of the attraction is physical (we are driven together to mate and procreate.) Some of the attraction is due perhaps to archetypes or images we have of the ideal. (At 14 I dreamt of marrying a brunette. I did when I was 23.) Or it may refer to our need to “merge” and be one with another. Love is a huge word – often inadequate to describe the complexity of what brings us together. And, love is not mind reading. This causes extreme marital stress when one believe s/he is so “special” that the other must be able to anticipate his/her thoughts and desires.

5. Marriage means I will lose my freedom. The jokes about the loss of freedom at the altar. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are one’s “last fling” so to speak. The ball and chain is put on, and will never be removed. Fun and games are over. Now life gets SERIOUS.

6. I have to get married. This may be going out of date, but in my college days, women went to college to get their Mrs. degree and men were to carve out a career with their new found partner. Or, I had to get married because the biological clock was ticking. Anyone single person over the age of 30 was at some level stigmatized. And, of course, there were the shotgun weddings when the couple was pregnant.

Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 1

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 15:50:47 +0000

Marriage myths:

1. You get married and live happily ever after. Not! The purpose of marriage is not to make you happy. The purpose of marriage is to provide a context in which the best of you unfolds over a long period of time – the rest of your life on this earth. Your partner is the catalyst for the emergence of the best of you – of the you you truly want to become. Now, there is some stress and strain, usually, at times, MUCH stress and strain in this process. The reasons for this will become clearer as we talk about the myths of marriage and the intent of marriage.

2. We must be compatible. What in the world does this mean? Do you have any idea? Does that mean you must think alike, have common hobbies, share similar interests? Does it mean you must share common personality characteristics? Or does that mean that you must “like” your spouse? Some couples who are “compatible” or very much alike become exceedingly bored with each other over time. Compatible sounds good (because most of us want to be “one” with another and get along – which may be a death knell for a marriage, by the way) but you probably don’t have a clue of what it means.

3. Men are from Mars. For most this means that men typically want to crawl into their cave and be left alone. No connection. No talking. Give me my beer, sports program, group of buddies and I’m fine. This is a cover up for men. It becomes a common way for them to emotionally protect themselves. Once you get to know a man, you will discover a part of him that wants to be deeply connected to another. This often emerges when the woman pulls too far away, and then it emerges often, in powerful ways. Many men walk around like an armored tank, but filled with marshmallows. Bottom line: your spouse wants some of the same things you want.

marriage myths – Break Free from the Affair

Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 2

Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 1