postpass2 Coping During the Holidays – Break Free from the Affair https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com How to Survive Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs: Find the Help, Advice and Coaching Your Marriage Needs. Mon, 18 Aug 2014 16:12:19 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.8 Holiday Tip #11: Get to Know You https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/12/21/holiday-tip-11/ https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/12/21/holiday-tip-11/#respond Tue, 21 Dec 2010 12:00:41 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=286 Continue reading →]]> A

11. Get to know you.

Use the Holiday Season to get in touch with the real you. So much of our pain is often focused externally; what our spouse is doing, not doing; what we are getting or not getting from him/her. So much of our pain is focused on our lack and our personal needs not being met by him/her/them. Much of that we CANNOT control. And so we feel helpless, which augments our pain.

Make a shift. Take some intentional time to know you. Here’s a specific exercise.

Make a list of your top 5 personal needs. A full list in the form of the “Needless Program” is available after you fill out the survey for this article. Spend a few days during the Holiday Season completing the “Needless Program.”

Define your standards. A standard is an action or behavior you hold yourself to because that is the kind of person you are.

Take some time each day to complete this sentence:

I am someone who_________________________________________.

]]> https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/12/21/holiday-tip-11/feed/ 0 Holiday Tips #7 and #8 – The Kitchen Timer and Bathroom https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/12/13/holiday-tip-7/ https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/12/13/holiday-tip-7/#respond Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00:21 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=278 Continue reading →]]>

7. Use a Timer

When you notice the 8, 9 or 10 (see Holiday Tip #1), set a timer for 2 minutes. During those 2 minutes write down every thought in your mind. No censorship. Write down every feeling, where it’s located and what it is like. Write furiously.

When the timer goes off, say to yourself, “OK, I’m done for now. I know there are important issues that I demand my attention. And, I want to get to the bottom of them. But, for now I must (fill in the blank.) Thank that part that has the concerns and inform it that when it appears again you will pay attention to it. You will come back to it in the future.

Use this exercise whenever the pain and thoughts spike.

8. Use the bathroom

You are surrounded by friends and family and you feel awful. You are trying hard, but you are managing. Then someone says something or something happens that is a powerful trigger for your negative thoughts and feelings. You want to burst into tears, rage, scream or in some way explode. But, another part of you believes it’s not appropriate and will not be received well.

Excuse yourself to the bathroom, or some other corner of privacy and use one or more of the techniques we discuss here, to reduce your pain and negative thinking. (Use the 1-10 scale to monitor.)

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