Emotional Distance in a Marriage – Personal Needs and Frustration

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 16:14:12 +0000

You are lead to believe, are you not, that one of the primary purposes of marriage or a relationship of significant emotional involvement is to meet personal needs?

Once married or in a significant relationship, your partner will meet your personal needs, give you the attention and love you crave and desire and all that that means.

You will live happily ever after. You will be emotionally complete.

Countless books have been written about the crucial nature of meeting the other’s personal needs. Whole therapies have been developed over the years that focus on reciprocal need meeting as the panacea for a happy marriage or relationship.

And as you scan the media, as you encounter others at work or in other contexts, and if you look a little below the surface, you notice that getting personal needs met is a huge priority in our culture. The need for attention, the need for power, the need for success, the need for recognition, the need for control, the need for belonging, the need for adoration, the need for acknowledgement, the need for love are just a few that propel night and day. (In reality, I have a list of over 200 personal needs that fuel the fire of a person’s life.)

But, here’s one huge problem: need meeting is like trying to drain the ocean. It NEVER ends. There is NEVER ENOUGH!

Another problem: you are never able to “get beyond yourself.” Think about it. Need meeting is self-oriented (what can I do to get MY needs met.) Need meeting is fear oriented (what if it doesn’t happen? What if it’s not enough, or the right kind?)

Another problem: little room is left for other important aspects of your life. (What makes you unique? What can you contribute? What standards do you hold? What do YOU want to orient your life around that gives a deep sense of satisfaction and is not dependent on the whims of another?)

My little diversion here is important so you understand the power and ultimate futility of the personal need meeting process.

A tremendous amount of frustration and resentment builds in your marriage when you believe you must squelch yourself and spend inordinate time and energy going that extra mile to meet the personal needs of your spouse.

Resentment emerges as you begin to expect reciprocity. “I’ve met your needs; now when are you going to do the same for me?”

An internal scorecard emerges and the game playing begins. Intimacy, knowing and being knonw, flies out the marital window.

You feel the frustration because, from your point of view you have attempted to meet his/her needs, and yet s/he says, “Not enough! Nope, that wasn’t quite right! I need more! Do it again! Etc.

You may assume you know what your spouse needs. Even if you are intentional about meeting his or her needs, that need meeting may arise out of what you think s/he needs. Often what you think s/he needs is a projection of what you need or desire.

You become two ships passing in the night.

You begin to feel hopeless because a part of you knows, deep within you somewhere, that his/her personal needs have no end. You will NEVER FULLY meet his/her needs.

And so, you throw up your hands and distance.

Over the years in my clinical practice I’ve run into two common perpetual need meeting situations.

There is “daddy’s little girl” who growing up was the apple of her daddy’s eye, carried that pattern forward and expects that men should meet all her needs and treat her as a princess – all without her asking. She has a strong personal need for attention, especially from men.

The counter part is “mommy’s boy” who was overindulged (and usually emotionally denied) and “spoiled” by mom. Mom thought he could do no wrong. He carried that pattern forward and expects the world, specifically women, should wait on him hand and foot. Never should a need go unmet. He has strong personal needs for appreciation and adoration.

So, you ask, “Should I ignore his/her needs?”

No, of course not. Meeting the personal needs of your spouse may bring a sense of relief. However, that relief is only temporary.

Your distancing may mean that you are mired in the frustration and sense of inadequacy in EVER getting this need meeting process right.

For, now I want you to understand that the frustration and resultant distance you create is normal and typical, especially for the Yellow Marriage which has at its core the pursuing-distancing cycle. (page 98 in “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking.’”)

This cycle is usually wrapped around the pursuer attempting to get his/her personal needs met and the distancer backing away, out of a sense of deep frustration and resentment, believing that the ocean will never be drained.

Help for the Emotionally Distant Spouse

Dr. Bob Huizenga — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 22:59:12 +0000

Keys to Help the Emotionally Distancing, Pulling-Away Spouse or Significant Other… You really are NOT a Schmuck

If you are the reluctant spouse that is pulling away, wants emotional distance and is unsure, I want you to feel better: no guilt, less paralysis and less frustration. I want you to understand your dilemma so you might move ahead, wherever that takes you, in ways that honor you, your spouse and your family.

You probably have been feeling the heat: to give more, to talk more, to connect more and in general to “work on” the marriage.

But…something powerful holds you back.

You may feel angry, cold and frustrated.

Or, find yourself walking on eggshells, fearful that the smallest word will bring an eruption and a fight that will go on …and on … and on – until you capitulate, walk away or explode.

You feel tired and worn out and have given up on trying to give him/her what s/he wants.

You don’t want to touch, let alone have sex. You just can’t do it. Or, you do it with little enthusiasm.

You don’t understand. You hate it!

I’ve walked with many couples in my private practice since 1981 and I want to share some insights that might help you recover your sense of well-being, break the impasse and help resolve all that now is ugly within you and between the two of you.

1. There is ALWAYS a reluctant spouse.

Yes, one spouse always seemingly wants more (intimacy, talking, connection, time together, etc) than the other. There is ALWAYS an imbalance. Usually, but not always, it is the male who backs away or displays hesitancy.

Lisa saw me for a number of sessions, complaining about her marriage to Ted – his distance and emotional “detachment.”

Finally, Lisa was able to persuade Ted, a prominent business person in the community, to join us in a joint session. Lisa walked in the door, followed by Ted. I had this powerful impression of Ted with a ring in his nose joined to a chain that Lisa was gently but firmly yanking. Ted was not a happy camper to say the least.

And this is not unusual.

This pursuing-distancing dance is a common theme in most marriages. (It occurs most powerfully in the Yellow Marriage, one of three types of marriages I’ve identified).

One is gripped in the Yellow Marriage by the pursuing-distancing phenomenon. One spouse pursues, attempting to obtain from the distancing spouse what the pursuer believes s/he needs or wants. Of course, the more s/he pursues, the more the distancer moves away; often out of a myriad of fears and thoughts of inadequacies.

The pursuing-distancing “dance” is played over and over again, with the same results. Neither flourishes nor experiences joy in the marriage or relationship.

Fear of moving close and of truly addressing the underlying issues comes to characterize the marriage. Fear maintains the distance and the dance.

Frequently, the pursuer tires of that role and becomes the distancer. The pursuer eventually says, in essence, “I’ve had enough. I quit trying to make this work.”

The equilibrium of the marriage is upset and the distancer is upset with the change of the status, frets about losing what was and frequently becomes the pursuer.

This situation often results in a confusing, emotionally intense crazy-making-time for a couple.

Remember, the distancing-pursuing dance is NORMAL. Every marriage I’ve encountered has it. The major issues are: how intense is the dance, how often does it occur and have we found ways to change the dance?

affair and emotional distance – Break Free from the Affair

Emotional Distance in a Marriage – Personal Needs and Frustration

Help for the Emotionally Distant Spouse