Comments on: The #1 Most Powerful Technique to Save Your Marriage and Sanity

By: jamie

jamie — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 21:33:32 +0000

I discovered my husbands affair last November. This is his second affair. I moved out of the house. Though looking back I should have made him move out. I did all the wrong things at first. I’ve been working very hard at charging neutral. I am a very non confrontational person and I have allowed him to run the show in the past. I have a hard time figuring out how to put boundaries in place. My husband is living at home. He and his affair partner broke up at the end of march for about a month and a half. During that time we discussed reconciling. But at the beginning of May he spent the night at her home. Until last week he said that they were not together but they were still talking. He allowed her to give him some furniture for our home as I had taken most of it with me. I found out last week that he flew to Key West with her. He has never taken a family vacation with us even though I asked him to go every time. He claimed he had to stay home and work, plus he didn’t like to fly and didn’t like the beach. He could go do all those things with her though. He claims that he hasn’t loved me for awhile because he felt I didn’t love him and he was just a paycheck. I have asked him for a divorce but he whenever I bring it up he says he isn’t in the mood to fight about it. I feel completely disrespected and used. I feel like he only wants me around to continue taking care of all the finances. He also has a substance abuse problem that he has been battling for years. He’s a very insecure person. He told me he loves his affair partner because she smiles at him and is nice to him most of the time. i’m not sure how to charge neutral. When I try to set boundaries or discuss our relationship he ignores me. When this first happened we were able to have a few discussions about things but now it just seems that he ignores me. I did not flip out and scream and holler at him when I found out he had been on vacation with this affair partner. I told him that I thought it was time that we just got divorced. I had been telling him for weeks that what was going on was not acceptable to me. While on vacation he had shut his phone off for 4 days. HIs 5 year old daughter wanted to speak to him and I could not get a hold of him on his phone. I ended up contacting his affair partner since I know her and asked her to call his daughter because she was upset that Daddy wouldn’t answer the phone. I was not rude. I asked her to have my husband turn on his phone so that I did not have to communicate about our daughter through her. She did not take that well and told me that I needed to get over myself and my kids. She is a very hateful human.
Any advise on how to charge neutral would be greatly appreciated

By: Bente

Bente — Fri, 15 May 2020 13:54:15 +0000

ITS been 17 months since I discovered my husband affair. I was back then already in schock and trauma because of a dead born grandchild, and was recovereing from a surgery.
I was sure that this would never happen to us. And I was also sure my H would stop the affair and work on our marriage. But he became a monster to me and wouldnt stop seeding her. I belive IT was mostly contact on the net the next months. But I GOT clingy and was always feeling unsafe. He told me he needed space. He changed. I was afraid.
AUG 2019 he filed for a divorce. I was totally in schock. He never explained, and his life was a secret. He CUT the contact with friends, family an our daughters. I Kent doing all the wrong things to Get him back during 2019. But he moved out and shut down all contact. I couldnt back off, and for him IT must have been terror when I called and begged etc.
IT was just like my husband had became a narcissist. I became ill and had several breakdowns. IT was hell.
Now I still try to understand all this that happened. I know I cant blame myself.
I know he wants the other women now. And he told me he is back with her.
I can find him in more than one category of the type of affairs You write about.
I cant seem to figure out withc one is exact my H.
I have backed of now. And trying to Get a life. Learning about myself. But I also want to wait for my H to Get trough this affair… I do want him to come back to me.
I know we need to heal.
In the beginning he told me the affair was a mistake. Then he turned around and told me our marriage was no good. He didnt love me anymore felles out of love. He missed the spark. Then everything was my fault. Our finances, and our way of life.
The more I tried to stop the affair ( He just couldnt stop their contact) the more I pushed him away.
We had a great life and a loving marriage. 4 grown up girls and 4 grandchildren.
He just stoppet caring for them and me. And IT was like watching a man change into something he hatet himself. He was not the person anyone would Expert to have or need an affair. And NOT leave his own wife….
I really want to Get the emotionell contact back. I know he loves me. And I know his midlife confused and want peace and stabilitet. The OP is single, younger and he Hildes her from everybody. We are not allowed to speak bad about her, and he told me he feel at home and fullfilled with her.
Loving the feeling of beeing in love. He also needs the admiration. I think he is ashamed and do not like himself, but is now divorcing me.
Please help me back on track here. I really need some advice.
B

By: John

John — Mon, 01 Jul 2019 12:40:01 +0000

Dear Dr Bob,

I think we are in a stalemate at the moment.

I have make all the killer misters you described in your article.

I re-read both What I must work on – What I want for me and Charging Neutral.

I am calm and cool as a cucumber.

I am at a cross road what to do next.

By: Zeta

Zeta — Fri, 01 Dec 2017 11:57:51 +0000

In reply to Dr. Bob Huizenga.

Dear Dr Huizenga, I am able to maintain my charging neutral method just for few weeks though I am almost 2 years into discovering the emotional affair of my husband. I had done it in bits and pieces over the past 2 years , but I lost it then as I found lot of triggers and went back to the pathetic mess.
My question is related to your comment ‘You receive a more accurate reading on the emotional investment of your spouse for the marriage’. My spouse seems not that disturbed or even happy about me charging neutral, he prefers to be detached. My current guess after reading the comment is that he is still continuing the affair (they both work at the same place and has feelings for her).

I guess his case can be any of the 7 types of affairs you mentioned ( other than the #5 revenge affair) from the information I gathered over time : he said I am a bad wife, if he had a good wife like his friends had he would nt have done it ( #1: My Marriage Made Me Do It ). he has a lot of entitlement about his happiness, and has lot of social skills- I am just courteous to everyone (# 2: I Can’t Say No People can’t say no?, #3: I Don’t Want to Say NO ). he says he loved me, but doesn’t do it now (#4: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love) ) . I have no charm compared to the secretary he is in affair with (#6: I Need to Prove My Desirability and she is the ideal woman (she is cheating her husband too) , also he has turned down all my request of intimacy in the last 10 years, I thought the man was a monk type- I blindly trusted him, I wouldn’t have believed this happened unless I caught him red handed (#7 I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy) what the hell is this?

I am just just confused now. What do u think the case is.
It seems he is happy that I am silent, and they both are winning by the process . I m deeply hurt , though I am hopeful of a better future with or without him.

Kindly show some light , Do you have some advice how to proceed in this case.

By: Terry

Terry — Sun, 02 Jul 2017 01:26:11 +0000

My husband walked out 6 weeks ago abandoned me our home our 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. He has changed his phone number so only 1 of my daughters can get in touch with him! She was living with me but has moved out because she thinks I am going to lose the house! He has come by to check on me gave me a large amount of money to pay the mortgage told me he still loves me but he moved in with another women who was lonely because her husband died and he enjoyed talking to her! So you leave after 31 years of marriage! I have had a nervous breakdown since this happened! He came by one night and cried saying he was sorry for all of this then kept saying it’s not the sex I think I am falling in love with her! ( I almost slapped him) then in the next breath says I will always love you! Talk about confusing me! He has changed bank accounts changed insurance companies because he wants to pay his own bills I say go for it!i just don’t understand how you throw away 31 years. Our marriage since his last affair has not been great! He drinks too much most days so I just ignore him! But ever thought he would walk away from his family or his friends! He has cut himself off from everyone except her and my daughter! I have lost 53 pounds since this started and am starting to feel better but I don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t know if I truly want him back we have been together since I was 18! Feeling los

By: Terry

Terry — Sat, 01 Jul 2017 15:19:24 +0000

By: Ruth

Ruth — Sat, 27 May 2017 18:05:31 +0000

Help, I’ve really charged outside of neutral by threatening and completely going against everything I believe in and hold dear, my kids. My spouse has been maintaining an emotional affair. He’s now been arranging steps towards both moving out, separating and divorce. I switched my position and now said, I will leave basically leave the family, become a missing person because to him I’m disposable and he already has my replacement. Our youngest has autism and is mostly under my care. He’s verbal and very bonded to me. I’ve painted myself into a corner, while in a panic and now not sure what to do.

By: steve

steve — Tue, 09 May 2017 13:38:59 +0000

In all of the material I have read or purchased I don’t think I have seen anything about what you are supposed to do when charging neutral works. I spent about 4 months trying to employ this technique but I wasn’t very effective – still had a number of occasions where I would end up rationalizing with her, trying to convince her to be a ‘good wife’, etc. After ‘working on the marriage’ for 4 months I came to find out I was the only one working on it. Contact with the affair partner was still going.
I then fully committed to charging neutral and the results have been dramatic. She had no idea what to do with me – it was like I sapped all the power from her.

My question is, what should I do now if she is turning and starting to work on herself and pursue me. Should I continue to charge neutral and keep a safe emotional distance or at what point should I allow myself to take a chance on this? No really interested in getting burned again as charging neutral has completely turned my attitude around and I feel great and back in control of my own life.

By: Mary

Mary — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 08:54:17 +0000

Dear Dr. Bob, This article is pretty revolutionary – I can tell by the comments. So many reverberate for me. Our intensive marriage therapist (in addition to regular counseling) suggested something like this for us too: de-escalation and moderating my emotionality w/my husband so I don’t “kill the message” or destroy the message or my thoughts on how his affair has affected me before he can even hear them. My husband is much like Mike’s wife (of January, 2015) – an introvert, internalized, not expressive of emotions (due to trauma from his mom’s abuse both verbal – must mostly physical – as a boy). I am emotive and extrovert due to the trauma of my early life and trying to survive it: my mom’s two divorces when I was 5, and then again when I was 15 and my devastating loss of a father and stepfather and finally my brother dying when were young adults. I was 25 when he died – so I lost a significant male figure every ten years of my youth -barely anytime to recover as they layered one on top of the other. I never felt I could “hold onto the love and trust and devotion of one man/male figure” til I met my husband. I never saw his affair of 18 months coming – an emotional, long distance one of texting, sexting, emails and calls (according to him) and then finally in-person sex at the end….I’m eight months almost from D Day. Was our marriage perfect? No, but I thought I was in peace in it and happy. He was miserable over our lack of frequent sex life and other issues. In addition, the same year his affair was going on and came to light, we have had two very ill children – one young adult daughter w/cancer (yes, he did this before, during and after her diagnosis!) and now one teen son on autism spectrum w/severe depression due to his affair (and other stresses) coming to light and the estrangement in our family from our marriage being so shaky. I have tried 24 hours of this new attempt to be neutral and it was interesting. I realize my husband can push me to be the emotional one to play that role for him (as well as me) in the marriage. He was surprised when I calmly said I didn’t want to share my feelings w/him. I will admit it’s hard to listen to and hear his feelings – he’s expressed them so little in the marriage out of fear of my reactions. He didn’t feel he had the “room” to do so. He comes from a family that talks about “stuff” – politics, current events, opera, articles, but NOT an emotional or spiritual life. He has no basis for feelings talk either. I grew up the opposite way – mostly listening to my mom’s feelngs but this is how I learned to be close. So here we are: my emotions remind my spouse of his mom; his lack of emotions remind me of my father (who also self medicated w/alcohol). My husband has also said he may have sex addictions and I agree. So what about No. 4? 4. “Stop pursuing. Do not suggest counseling. Do not suggest working on the relationship. Do not tell your spouse that you have changed or will change. Do not tell your spouse you love them.” Can explain more? My husband is pressuring, and has been from D-DAy for me to move on, commit to saying I want to rebuild a new marriage but I’m still very ambivalent – I I know our old marriage is forever dead but how can I lie and say I want to work on building something a new marriage when I am still in shock somedays and/or healing from his affair coming to light. And I still don’t trust him or won’t ever again the way I did before his affair? It finally truly ended, October 16 2016 but his AP reached out to him as recently as January, 2017. Do I really not reassure him w/no “I love you’s” or do I stop counseling – is this what you mean? I did tell him I am done being the researcher and librarian of our affair – being the one to send him articles, books, etc. I don’t care to play that role anymore. So do I really not say I’m not going to change or work on myself? Please explain the purpose of No. 4 a bit more. Do you ever say this once you’ve accomplished some more neutrality? And if the cheating spouse needs or has their own agenda to hear those words for reassurance, then what? Thank you so much for your amazing work. Peace.

By: Lex

Lex — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 19:13:26 +0000

Hi
I hope you still read those post and maybe help me. And sorry for the long post.

Maybe u can give me some insight.
I don’t know anymore.
My husband left in August for the OW.
Since then he has been calling and texting me. Hidding it from the OW.
He also talked to me about them. Like they are having problems. Since he’s been with her he changed into a arrogant and selfish man. Also lots of anger.
When we talk he said he is hoping to get somewhere and he is hoping that the hurt and cheating was worth it. Not that it is just hoping.
He still doesn’t want to talk divorce saying he is not ready and that he need to get to safe ground with ow before we can talk.

In those texts he call me his best friend and soulmate. That he can’t let me say goodbye because I mean a lot to him and something will be missing in him. That he would be lost without me in his life. Which obviously she doesn’t know.
Any ideas what that mean?
Now he also over use the word friend.
U r my friend. That what friend do. Etc….is he trying to convince himself that it all I am???
He also still lies to ow or hid other things.
For example we do have a daughter and he came to see one evening but didnt tell ow. When I ask why he said because she is in a bad mood and would lead to a argument??
Same on Sunday when he come to pick up daughter we talked and he always hid or come up with a lies to her as what took him so long.

Please help I am at lost. He always portrait her as jealous and insecure to me why??

I do ask myself if our marriage can be saved and if I will ever be able to trust him.
As for confusing well it is. I wonder if he knows what he want.

He did say to me that he can’t come and see our daughter swimming when I am there because the OW made him feel uncomfortable to do so at the beginning. I told him if that the kind of woman he want not only in his life but our daughter life.
Now he saying he is fighting that feeling of uncomfort. Told him it shouldn’t be there in the first place. Because of the way she made him feel at the beginning it’s in printed in him.
Anyway because of the way thing has been between them they went out to talk yesterday. Then he texts me to say his lies are her big problem.
So I ask if he told her about him texting me,thinking that would have been a good time to tell her, and he said no he didn’t and he will carry on texting and hidding it.
Saying that she also hidding the fact she been contacting me.
I did told him she did not what she said. He said he didn’t know nothing about it.
Now one could ask what kind of relationship they have if they hid things and still lie. Or why would he still do that???
Is he trying to convince himself he did the right thing?
I also pointed out that since he’s been with her he hardly if at all see his friends and family. I have more contact with his dad and brother than he does.
I also said he change to a arrogant and selfish person. To which he reply he is trying to be him again.
I don’t know why he still want me in is life. I don’t understand why he said he would be lost without me in it. Or why he call me his best friend and soulmate. I always thought they were words you say to a partner.
As for her when she texts it’s because she got a feeling he lied to her and try to find out the truth. Told her not to involve me and why should I help her to save her relationship,her words, with my husband? To which she reply that I should move on and stop calling my husband. I did reply he still is as we are not divorce. Why is she trying to do by involving me???
She also tells me they made plan for the future. Marriage and buying a house. He tells me the opposite that no that didn’t. Wonder who lies??? Or why??
She also tells me to be happy and that i deserve better than a liar. To which i reply don’t u? He lied to u to? She replied all in the pass. Which is to me not answering the questions. She also tells me all is good. He tells me the opposite.
I keep asking them why they keep involving me in their drama and she didn’t reply so I guess she does that to get me out of the way and him like he keep telling me is because I am his best friend and soulmate and can confide in me.
I asked him to stop texting me so that will stop him lying to her and he came with no he can’t and won’t as I still mean to much to him.
He also said once he is on safer ground with her he will introduce our friendship thinking she will accept it. As if.
So basically he said not all good , she says all is. He says she got problem with his past lies. She says all is forgotten.
He said no plan for marriage. She said they have.
Wonder who lies and why? . I don’t understand why.
. And I am really confused as the why of all this.
And yes i wonder if they will last?? Please help