postpass2 Comments on: To Tell or Not to Tell….That is the Question https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/ How to Survive Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs: Find the Help, Advice and Coaching Your Marriage Needs. Thu, 02 Jul 2020 23:55:27 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.8.8 By: Camper https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-193428 Thu, 02 Jul 2020 23:55:27 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-193428 I had mixed results with “exposure.”

I talked to a couple people who were close friends of both me and my husband. They offered support but kept it confidential at my request. I only did it because we were about to leave on a trip together in a few weeks and I wanted to give them a heads up in case one of us did not go.

The other person I told was a guy (an attorney ‘friend’) whose wife owns the building in which (I believe) the OW was living in an apartment. While both my H and the attorney guy denied she was living there, I have very reliable information that she was, and that attorney and his wife were complicit in the whole thing. Instead of keeping it confidential as I had requested, this attorney guy immediately called by husband, which set off its own series of events. The H had a very sleepless night and we had a conversation the next morning. Part of me thinks this might have been a bit of a wake-up call. We have not spoken with attorney guy or his wife since then and unless they offer solid proof they were not involved, I do not consider them a friend of the marriage.

]]> By: JOHN https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-168284 Fri, 20 Mar 2020 10:00:44 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-168284 In reply to Glen.

HI Glen, I am almost in the same situation as you….I am in my late 60’s I found out 38yrs ago my wife had an affair 1 week before our wedding day with her ex … then found out they got together 3 xs [ that I know of ] in the first 29yrs of our marriage until he died in 2001… I found all this out about 1 yr ago… Like you my wife don’t know I know…. THE last 18yrs were perfect.. Like you don’t know what to do… I did decide to let her know but waiting for the right time… After a yr of knowing I cant take it anymore…. I have no friends to talk too and differently no family members I will tell… I did decide to take back the wedding and engagement rings I gave her. just waiting for the right time after this virus is over. That will be my revenge…It will help me a little..

]]> By: Glen https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-113232 Tue, 14 Mar 2017 16:48:19 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-113232 In reply to Dave.

I like your attitude sometimes I feel that way too but in my case it is cheaper to keeper but I am 62 hard to start over so I am going to try to hang on if I was 20 yrs younger I would kick her lying cheating betraying ass out of my house it looks like the affair is over she does not know that I know she’s a cheating bitch!!! I want some kind of revenge but in the process I be hurting myself!!!

]]> By: Corey https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-106709 Thu, 28 Apr 2016 19:14:51 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-106709 In reply to Angela.

I agree with your comment. Find one intelligent person without hidden agenda and who is neutral that you can confide in and trust to be confidential is very important. My wife had been cheating on me since 2008 off and on with the same person. Things got more serious back in July of 2015 and I didn’t find out until September of 2015. I began to fully take notice and became more aware of things because I started to see drastic changes in behavior, dress, and personality with my wife.

When I realized what was going on I had no one to confide in and it was very difficult and painful for me. A good friend and co-worker whom I trust noticed changes in me. She helped me because she had been cheated on by her husband.

I didn’t tell my family because I wanted to work things out with my wife and didn’t want animosity felt by my family toward my wife if things got better.

I’m happy to say that 7 months later the other person is permanently out of our lives and my wife is regretful, ashamed, and realizes the pain she had caused me. She also realizes that her selfishness nearly caused the total collapse of our family as we know it.

Discussing such sensitive topics with many people can strain the relationship further by bringing too many opinions and involvement from others into the situation, especially if other parties have agendas that counter your agenda.

]]> By: Dave https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-106681 Wed, 27 Apr 2016 01:12:10 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-106681 Started listening to life coaches, I learned to always have a “drama free zone”, don’t argue, be strong and hold power to myself and not show weakness. Act like it don’t matter… and love her in such a way that she is free. This was hard to do, took 6 months after I found enough clues; dress up, late nights at work, cologne/perfume, unique jewelry, phone hiding, making excuses for no sex and no initiated intimacy and less eye contact. I reached out to my BFF of 30 yrs and mom for talks. I cannot do the “revenge affair” and won’t tolerate any mediocracy or no sex; must be 7-10 days or I move out. I am guessing it’s been a year since her affair and she will never directly admit it. A Narcissist will die than to appear weak or lose power. It’s hard so there’s a need to confide with a couple close family and my BFF. If a boundary is not set and needs equally are not met, someone needs to move out.

]]> By: Daniel's Mom https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-506 Sun, 14 Aug 2011 09:48:37 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-506 As much as I wanted to keep the fact that my husband was having an affair from my family to avoid them hating him for doing what he did it was beyond my control. My husband & I are still married & only 1 month & 1/2 after saying he wanted to move out because he had been unhappy for a long time decided he wanted to go public with his new relationship. He posted a picture of him & the OP on Facebook of all places. Friends & family everywhere saw the pix. Some people didn’t even know that we were separated. It was embarasing that he was doing this & then for the whole world to know just made matters worse. Although I only told a few close friends & family members at first people always go run their mouths. You can’t really trust anyone.

]]> By: T https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-460 Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:37:48 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-460 Next month it will be a year I found out about my wife’s affair. We after several setbacks seem to be on the road to recovery. I did not share any part of the affair to anyone until I thought our marriage was over. What I did find is many of my friends were very supportive.It made me wish I had opened up sooner.I felt like a weight was lifted in a way. my real friends knew something was up before I let them in on it anyhow. Thanks Dr.H! Your e-mail’s helped me keep my sanity!

]]> By: marc https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-459 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 22:55:45 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-459 I also shared my experience with friends and family to include her family but in the end one has to make their own decision and often the advice from friends and family is not helpful. It’s easy to say what one would do in the event of infidelity but when it happens it to you it is a different story altogether.

]]> By: Just Me https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-458 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 20:27:19 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-458 I can never tell anyone, I’d be too embarrassed. I can’t even bring myself to seeing a counselor since I don’t want to go through the process of finding the right one. Dr. Bob’s advice has been working great for me. I know I will divorce but at least I am taking care of ME now.

]]> By: sheila https://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2010/10/13/to-tell-or-not-to-tell-that-is-the-question/#comment-457 Tue, 19 Oct 2010 19:15:28 +0000 http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/blog/?p=186#comment-457 It’s a lonely life. The therapist isn’t available at 3:00am. I have found that not all friends/family are loyal. I had an especially difficult situation that one of my most confided in friends who I talked to during my husband’s affair and leaving then went and had an affair with him, too. Ouch! An affair sorts out your true companions in a jiffy. Most of my friends/family have been gems through it all, and I have learned to tread softly when it comes to venting. I have found that people get tired of the hurt/pain (which doesn’t seem to go away too quickly – it has been a year and 1/2), so I have help from several different people, including a good therapist, so that I am not a burden to any one individual. A journal goes a long way, too.

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