Comments on: Extramarital Affairs Make Some Stronger

By: Bb65

Bb65 — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 20:44:32 +0000

My H moved out to live w. Other woman. Says he has to figure out what keeps him drawn back to her and figure out what these feelings are. Says he lives me but not in love.

I can tell him what it is.. the dopamene snd whatever other addictive hormones that come with secrecy, stolen moments etc.
I feel the last yr of “working on our marriage, finding out later there was OW, the lies, stonewalling, gaslighting etc and working through that oain has prepared me to be strong enough tohold it together for child.
Yes, I cry at night often, I still want him to come back but I am also trying to be honest with myself how emotionally draining and painful that would be, because even though I wish he would come back snd have gotten out of his system, I need to stop fooling myself that I would get my husband back that I married 16 yrs ago. My soulmate..
I need to stop fooling myself that he eould do all the hard work of digging deep inside of himself and figure himself out, find his integrity back, learn, read, do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust.
No, that is what we do, not them..
I do believe that once the affair fog wears off he will not be happy.. I know he lies to her, she has been married 5 times before.. sccording to her ex all because of cheating… she will not trust him, she will do all the snooping and spying and questioning that I did… because she knows how he did me. They both did..,
Lied, cheated, etc.
Do I need to work on being honest eith myself. And answer the wuestions dr huizinga asks. Do u wAnt to be married to this person?
I am starting to read books about moving on, empowering myself, meditate, etc.
Dont have much time for myself but little by little I will start getting stronger, stop lying to myself about what a great man he can be, about his willigness to do whatever it takes if he sees the light…
I need to stop being co dependent…

Work in progress…so I would like to hear ftom people whose spouse came back.. did they really see that it was affair fog? Did they really get the OW out of their system?
Did they do what u needed to make marriage stronger??

PS: for those not sure to stay or make them leave, even though I thought I was not ready, it has given me less anxiety, stress, trust issues driving me crazy..
It hurts, but I think it’s the only way for my H type of affair to get it out of his system.. they work together.. so no contact never worked..

By: Rachel

Rachel — Tue, 17 May 2016 16:32:32 +0000

In reply to Ed.

Ed – (or anyone else with similar exoeriences)
Six years later, how are you feeling?

And, for those who stayed in the marriage – how has it worked out for you?

I have just recently discovered my husband’s third set of lies. While I do not know whether the first 2 incidences were ever consummated physically with those OW, I do know that the third instance was a very involved affair in which he moved the young girl into the apartment he was maintaining due to out-of-town employment. They shared an entire separate life together, went to synagogue together, told each other words of love and forever and called each other soulmates …. she knew he was married and even participated in the lying to me. Their affair is now over, he says he wants to reconcile with me. … and I am having difficulties feeling cared about, trusting his word, and even feeling that his ‘love’ has any value (he didn’t even know her age! And she was so cheap and easy, being involved with two other men while living with him! And, he valued and loved that over the relationship witb me?).

I don’t know if reconciliation is even possible with so many doubts and questions regarding the worth of his words….

By: A cheater's wife

A cheater's wife — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 15:23:28 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story which is also my story. I am still commited to my marriage; however, my husband wants his cake and eat it too. Not only the OW emailed about the affair she included pictures… Sooo evil and shes fighting for this guy who cant admit to his actions.. On top of this he is emotional and verbally abusive . I know god will give us double blessings for our faith. I know we will be fine with or without him if he walks out.. He wont leave even when i told him to go And search himself.

By: Ed

Ed — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 22:35:46 +0000

Very much the same for me, Just Me, except it is my wife…cowardly, won’t admit to the affair yet even her adult nieces and our young adult sons…

I moved very quickly once she said no counseling…hired a very good attorney and now 3 months later, I feel incredibly empowered and ready to move ahead…

While the majority of people on this site do want to save their marriages, sometimes it is not an option…when trust has been destroyed (mandatory for me in any relationship), there is no recovery…

Wish you the best as you move ahead…can’t believe how freeing it has been not to deal with this woman who I was married to for 15 years…

By: Just Me

Just Me — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 20:24:18 +0000

You know what’s really sad? After finding this site and learning soo much, I know we could have a much stronger marriage. I have the tools now to do so.
The problem is him. He says he wants to stay married to me but is such a coward he can’t spend more than 10 minutes with me alone. He says all we do is argue. That was MONTHS ago when it first happened. Now he just runs and hides in the bedroom instead of talking.
I give up and we will be divorcing. I am sick to my stomach knowing I married a coward and not a man.

By: Michael

Michael — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 18:13:57 +0000

@Enrique

Yes, you are in a very similar situation. I am holding out hope she will see she is either making a mistake, or just let me go. I even gave her the option to go. Just let me be if you want to be with him. She didn’t want to. If that is because she wants to be with me or not having to suffer the humiliation of telling everyone why she left, I don’t know. That is a question I’ll have to ask, we have counceling tonight… good a time as any.

To those women who have done this, would you be so kind as to explain why you did it? It really is that foreign to me right now that a first hand experience may help me understand more. I know each situation is different, but knowledge is more powerful than ignorance. I’m ignorant because she won’t or can’t tell me why she did it, and did it for as long as she did.

I want to be stronger for this, together or alone, but just don’t know how yet.

By: Enrique

Enrique — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:55:09 +0000

@Michael: I can sympathize with you Michael because I’m almost in the same situation. My wife first made contact with an old boyfriend on Facebook last November 2009. I was totally oblivious to the fact because I trusted her totally, but she exhibited the same behavioral changes that cheaters make. I was perplexed. I didn’t find out until June. After that,she said she stopped communicating with the OP. But from my investigations, they had been communicating for many hours. The ONLY difference is that the OP lives in Canada, thousands of miles away, and that was the ONLY reason it didn’t become physical yet. But from my investigations, my wife was planning on renewing her passport and immigrating to Canada to be with this guy. I even intercepted a text message from him telling her she just had to fill out a job application at the company where he works. If this guy had been in the same city, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would have been physical due to all the evidence I was able to dig up. She was deeply in love with this guy. Like I said, she said she stopped, and it looks like she’s pulling out all the stops to save our marriage. But my trust in her has been destroyed. She has never actually admitted to anything. She has not used her cell phone, home phone, or computers to communicate with the OP, but I don’t know if they are still communicating via her work email or phone. In fact, last July, the OP left a voicemail for her telling her how much he loved her. I only found this out because the cell phone records showed she was checking her voicemail from home all of a sudden, like 4 times a day and I confronted her about it. She said she never responded to his call.

I really don’t know how hard it is to break free from these emotional affairs when one person is so deeply in love. Is she just laying low and waiting for me to let my guard down? I don’t know. What I do know is that if I ever find out that its still going on, I’m ready to end the marriage. At first I was devastated, now I’ve gotten past that stage.

So Michael, it seems your wife is still deeply in love with the OP, despite her telling you she stopped. I don’t think your marriage can be saved while she’s in love with the OP. She’s in her fantasy right now. Only when your marriage is over and she’s with him will she find out about reality and realize her mistake.

By: Michael

Michael — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 17:13:25 +0000

I can’t figure out what is wrong with me, wanting to try and work through this. I can’t tell if it is fear or charity, especially after being lied to multiple times over a 7 month period. Either way it will be painful…

As I wrote above, I don’t want to make a life altering decision based on my present emotional pain, but the pain really hasn’t subsided since we started counseling in June, and the deceit started ( when I found out about it) in January. I don’t know…

By: Simmy @ 2 am

Simmy @ 2 am — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 18:44:55 +0000

It’s way pass mid night now but I could not sleep. I discovered my husband of 23 years was having an affair with a young staff on 17 Oct last year. It has been almost a year but I am still licking my wounds. He told me he loves me and wants me only, and asked me to give him time to sort things out. But I found out he still sees her 3 months later, I confronted him and he again begged for my forgiveness and promises to be 101% honest to me from now on.
Unfortunately he did not keep his promise. He did not disclose to me that she has moved to his close friend’s company. I am very disappointed and has since lost respect and love for him.
He is very loving to me and allows me full control of his finances but I just could not pull myself together to love him back, I feel there’s nothing left in me…
I kept the affair away from my 3 children and my husband’s family. I feel he should not be judged as only he knew why he did that.
I am financially independent. I just want to walk out and find peace in my heart….but my children…

By: Ed

Ed — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 15:19:06 +0000

Extremely encouraging Marissa…

The good news is that I have zero feelings left for my soon to be ex…her inability to tell the whole truth about her affair or seek out any kind of counseling to see if we could repair our 15 year marriage, 4 young adult sons, said it all for me…

No second chances, and for me, no looking back…only ahead…I’m hopeful for a speedy divorce…I’m looking forward to the time where I can “be at peace” as well…