Comments on: Sticking to a Routine Can Help Ease the Pain of Infidelity

By: Seenthelight

Seenthelight — Mon, 16 Apr 2018 12:53:00 +0000

Yes, people can be that rotten and seem like the nicest people you could ever meet. They can look you in the eye and flat out lie to you, with their statement being totally opposite of what has happened or is happening. It all depends on what they want to accomplish – keep you on a string for whatever their purpose is or because they “just feel like it”.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:43:11 +0000

In reply to Scott. Yes people can be that rotten.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:40:37 +0000

In reply to Sara T.. My caller was the OW. She was the woman scorned and had been also very aggressive in pursuing my H. So she slandered him with extremely emblished details to make me mad and I think to either get back at him for rejecting her or to leave him lonely so she would come back to her.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Thu, 19 Jan 2017 16:39:08 +0000

By: Scott

Scott — Sat, 30 Jan 2016 17:34:15 +0000

I didn’t get married till I was 30, after college, in grad school, and several years as a young, successful, professional. I was somewhat poor growing up, but through academics and athletics, I was able to put myself through school and was making pretty good money from the start. I was very active and successful with women, and even more so afterward. I quickly fell in love with my relatively inexperienced X – wife, and was loyal and devoted to her for 11 years when I found out about the affair she was having. I agreed to give it a try with only one condition… That she have one last contact to end it, and no contact thereafter. She couldn’t do it, so we split. That was 15 + years ago. Trust me, I got over it pretty quickly, as I found out that I was sought after very strongly by many. Life was good … when dating, I was good at it; however, when I met someone that I viewed as potentially a Forever After lady, I settled down. in 15 years , I have had 4 relationships of 2 – 5 years, so obviously I would like to have my lifetime companion but they just didn’t work out for different reasons. 4 years ago I met my current gal. I found out early on that her only real relationship since her marriage break was with her married then-boss. Although I told her that the only thing I could not deal with was infidelity in a committed relationship (which we were in… supposedly). You guessed it… She had to try him out one more time. For three years we were off and on with breakups primarily the result of my suspicions which, as it turns out, or sometimes justified. In the last 7 months, she has acted completely and totally like a wonderful, devoted, committed, loving girlfriend who does not hesitate to talk about marriage and being together forever. Unfortunately, I still get suspicious. And, she doesn’t handle it well. We have never accomplished the “open book” process. Open emails, open phone, etc, doesn’t work… So here’s my question, can she actually be trying this hard to “land me” and yet still be wanting to screw around? Can someone who, by all viewable indications (and I have obviously come to know her very very well) actually be so down right rotten that they would go to great effort just so they could cripple me? I didn’t do well when I caught my ex and I didn’t do well when I caught this one… as it is, why would do fine all in all if we broke up but probably not so fine if we committed, or got married, and I found out. In fact, I think I would understand very well why some guys go “Columbine” upon discovering infidelity. So, again, could somebody really be so downright rotten?
All comments are welcome…
SFB

By: Tisa

Tisa — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 15:41:45 +0000

That is an interesting point raised, my husband had an affair with my older sister and i confronted them both.I almost lost my mind for sure,but i felt i had to keep a mask on for my children and because of this i survived.My husband thinks the same way after five years, don’t bring anything up and life will go on.He cut all contact and stopped the affair so he feels he’s done all he can, reading, counseling and talking to me about the affair didn’t help me in his opinion. I wanted to crawl into bed and never get up, but I love my children and they needed me as much as i needed them, they helped me survive. Keeping busy and focusing on helping others has helped this horror fade , I’m not sure how it will all play out in the end I just take things one day at a time.

By: DW

DW — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 10:21:13 +0000

I do… Wishy washy is a kind term. My husband readily admits he is with the other woman and he too spends most of his time with us. Unfortunately, he works with her, so he sees her every day. I have this image that I get him on the weekends and she gets him during the work week- my counselor jokes that we should leave notes for each other- like at daycare- John had a good bm today- may be a little cranky- he had a busy weekend :) We are not intimate- they are- so it makes it very difficult. I too find it helpful to look my best- I got my nails done, and I always try to dress nicely when I know I will see him. I don’t want him to think he has gotten the best of me- and I want him to see what he is missing. I will be ok- he appears to be the one that is miserable now- indecision is a terrible thing for anyone- so why do they choose to stay in that place?

By: MargotK

MargotK — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:53:02 +0000

My husband abandoned me to take up a job in Libya almost 8 years ago. He rotated 6 weeks out there and then 2 weeks at home. He made it very clear from the outset that I could not join him out there and enjoy the ex-Pat life. After the first year, he wasn’t that happy with the work or the pay but after two years I knew that he was behaving differently towards me and I made a trip out to Tripoli which he didn’t want me to make. He kept saying that I was going out there to sniff around and to ruin his life. Well, of course, I met the woman he was having an affair with and I confronted him about it. He denied everything and said that it was just a bit of fun. I could not leave the country without an exit visa and it was a couple of weeks until he secured that for me. We returned home on the same flight and then went to Lisbon in Portugal for a weekend away. He still denied everything. Shortly after that, his mother died, then 6 weeks later his father. Then a few months later, my mother died. In between all these family tragedies, I kept myself busy. I gave up my home business and took a permanent job. I got immersed with two local drama groups, joined dance classes, went to the gym and to yoga classes. Over the next four years I tried to get my husband to talk about things. He still denied the affair, even though I confronted him with proof of airline tickets, present purchases and photos I had intercepted by spying on his e-mail account. To cut a long saga short, the agony of the affair has continued. I have called her and remained very calm and charged neutral. It only seemed to fuel the affair more. Last February my husband returned home with no contract. He has now been at home for 8 months. He has still not found a job. He still talks to her on the ‘phone and he still e-mails her. For the past two years he has shown no interest in me whatsoever. He still gets into the same bed, but has no feelings or desire for me. I have tried to talk to him and to forgive. I have tried to get him to open up and to warm to me. All the time I have continued to go to work in a very busy job. I continue to go out with my friends and my sisters. My father has recently had a very serious accident and has been in intensive care for weeks and is now making a very slow recovery and is on a high dependency ward, but still critical. I have not received a cuddle or a hug whilst I have been facing this tragedy. I remain strong and I have a network of friends and family for support. I have taken a lodger on a Monday to Friday business let arrangement. I am surviving. If it wasn’t for the fact that we have loads of debts and we are in a financial mess, I would move on and file for divorce. However, I can’t do that, since selling the house would leave me with next to nothing and not enough to purchase a property of my own. Until he closes the chapter with the other woman I cannot see us ever connecting. He is the type ‘I want to be close to someone but I can’t stand intimacy.’ She has now left Libya for good and retired to a house she has purchased in Malta. Now that I have had time to think about our 30 years of marriage and the future, she is welcome to him. We went away for our 30th (paid for by our kids) and it was awful. We hardly spoke to each other and he just pushed me off when I tried to hold his hand or get close to him in bed. He won’t have any counselling and I am sure he is very depressed. BUT, I have to think of me and my future and I keep myself trim and looking good. He doesn’t seem to notice and I am totally invisible to him. Keeping busy has saved my sanity and I live life to the full and I have kept my lively and energetic personality intact. I will survive and I will be happy. He will not change and I deserve better.

By: Jesse

Jesse — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 08:12:06 +0000

Brooke, you raise an interesting point. Why is it that after an affair the man thinks the only thing he has to do is stop communicating with the other woman? Why don’t they think they need to talk about it, behave differently in any way, etc.? And when you tell them how you expect them to act differently, to read books on infidelity, see a counselor, they just do the minimum and then forget about it, until you remind them again? This has been extremely frustrating to me.

My case occurred in the first few months of our relationship. My boyfriend, lonely and depressed, gave in to the overwhelming advances of a woman who had been working on him for months. She was a former college friend who reconnected at a reunion 6 months before he met me. She was extremely aggressive, borderline, OCD, befriending him and then calling him, texting, e-mailing and also crying on his shoulder, and then switching to kissing him between sobs, telling him how she needed him to have sex with her because she was so depressed, her marriage was on the rocks, blah, blah, blah, getting his sympathy. He had two full weekends with her during our first two months of weekly dating, and was afraid she’d commit suicide if he cut off the emotional ties. He hoped she’d fade away after he told her he was then seriously committed to me, but she didn’t stop. I knew something was up, confronted him, he lied and denied it, so I told him to open his e-mails and let me read or I was leaving him. He did and I read some of the most explicit sexual stories this woman wrote, fantasy and retelling every act they shared. Total wacko – doing everything she could to keep him sexually charged, while enjoying the companionship of her husband as well. Anyway, once it was in the open, he called her immediately and ended all contact. He thought for sure I’d leave him and was grateful I didn’t, and we have the most amazing relationship this past year since it happened. I just would’ve thought that he’d have done something really special at that time, realizing how fortunate he was that I forgave him and didn’t leave him. But he didn’t! Men just don’t think the way we women do. If I’d have asked him to do something specific, he’d do it, but he never did think of doing something on his own.

By: Brooke H

Brooke H — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 21:33:08 +0000

I completely agree that sticking to one’s normal routine after learning of an affair is vital to maintaining sanity. I also received an anonymous call and my husband denied the affair for about a month, until he was so heartsick that he basically admitted to being in love with her. He ended the affair and I am trying to keep our family together (notice I say “I” and not “we”), but things are often quite strained and sometimes downright hostile. I have found that going to work, looking my best at all times, and taking care of my children is the key to not sinking into the nervous breakdown that I clearly deserve. Some days its difficult to get out of bed (most days, actually), but I feel that if I don’t keep living, the other woman has beaten me. That may not be the healthiest motivation, but for now it works. It is what it is. As for my husband, he’s under the impression that the only work he has to do in the marriage is to not see or speak with the other woman anymore. For now, I’m willing to let him stay, but tomorrow, who knows?