Will I Ever Trust Again?

Couple In Bed

Dr. Huizenga, in the 9th tape of this 20 tape series on surviving infidelity presents the often asked or implied question, “Will I ever trust again?”

He approaches this question from two directions.

This question may mean, “will I ever trust my cheating spouse again?

Dr. Huizenga looks at the time frame for rebuilding trust and the ways to rebuild that trust.

A second component addressed is, Will I ever be able to to love again?

He gives 3 components for rebuilding your capacity to trust your self in entering a healthy relationship.

This entry was posted in Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Surviving Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity Videos, Trust Building and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Will I Ever Trust Again?

  1. Betty Howard says:

    Funny you should use the phrase “This too shall pass”, a favorite of my mother’s. She passed away two weeks ago. You really caught my attention when you said the trust relationship with my husband would never be the same again. I have wondered for quite some time if this would be the case. I needed to see it in black and white. We are working hard on our relationship. He seems to be really sincere. I guess time will tell. Thanks so much for all the advice and helpful information you provide.

  2. Vanessa Sedalis says:

    I just wanted to say that you are correct about the trust will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same. It has been 18 months since I found out that my husband was unfaithful for a few months. Although we invested time in counseling & have gradually become a better relationship, I will never fully trust him or trust that our love is real. I continue to work & pray that I will find peace within myself that it “will pass” but it is such a painful road to recovery-sometimes I want to quit; Other times I want to keep working. It makes feel crazy the back & forth feelings I have. Thank you for your avice, blogs & videos, they keep me going forward.

  3. Angela Guina says:

    Thankyou for your words of encouragement. After finding out my husband of 25 years has been phoning his lover almost daily since we met, then when her husband moved out arranged the motel meetings, I was shattered. He always talks about the importance of doing the right thing, holding his head high, and his Rotary motto is “treat people as you would like to be treated”. What a hypocrit !
    I now have Cancer and am not well enough to be on my own, he has taken all my savings and my house, over the years so I am now dependant on his income. He asked for another chance as he said he has always loved me, so I have no choice but to stay and make the most of what I have ! But as soon as I feel I am starting to relax and trust him, I picture the deceit, lies, for all these years and I am back with the hurt again. It is now 18 months, and I am still teary whenever I picture the pair of them, and recall all of the lies he has made all of our marriage. I pray for healing, as I know stress feeds these wretched tumours, and reading your articles certainly helps as I see I am not alone.

    • Trina says:

      I am sorry you are experiencing the pain, hurt and all the other feelings and emotions from betrayal then your illness. I too have been in a similar place. Less the illness, but my teenage daughter move across country, marry and have a grandson. The move took place in September of 14. The day my husband of ,23 years then returned home from moving her, he informed me of an entire separate life he had been living through our entire marriage with long term relationship sex etc… With woman from work. This was how he so secretive git away with it. Even lied to marriage counselor. I chose to stay based on financial issues and our son still at home who took both the betrayal and move hard. We are still in counseling…and each in a recovery program, but this was a battle we had this weekend. Triggers feelings of pain cone back. I react slot better than before but he doesn’t seem to get it that it is my healing process and not on his time line. I will pray for you

  4. Tara says:

    Thanks for all of your words of wisdom. I can’t tell you what an impact you’ve had on me. My marriage fell apart 12 months ago and by some divine intervention I came across your ebook, read it in one day and used it as a guide through the early days of my husband’s affair. It was a very short flame. For the last 10 months we’ve been repairing our marriage. This video is very helpful as it provides clarity and logic for the crazy emotions I feel. I don’t wish this on anyone, but as previous posts stated, it’s nice to know you’re not alone.

  5. Edward E says:

    I don’t know if I will ever trust my wife again.

  6. Scott says:

    This I know, trust doesn’t matter and isn’t the issue. She’s proven to be a very good liar and if she chooses not to share with me so be it..we are now working on being good parents and having good communication between us. Maybe the marriage will survive but for now all I can do is take what’s left and go from there..

    • Scott says:

      Same name, same approach! It’s been a little over 2 years since I discovered her 7 year affair. By doing exactly what you mentioned we somehow managed to rebuild and become stable loving parents, minus the tension that once was everpresent. A key element is I have come to accept the she will not change and will continue to carry on a secret life.
      But I have found a healthy non-dependent way to treat her with the love and respect every person deserves from a life partner.

      • Carol Kauffman says:

        I applaud you for being able to treat your spouse with love and respect even though she is obviously not loving and respecting you in return. I am trying to do that with my spouse, who had a 10 year affair along with numerous other infidelities over the years. How do you keep the resentment and cynicism at bay? I feel I have half a marriage. Suggestions for staying positive and warm?

      • Namma K says:

        I applaud you for being able to treat your spouse with love and respect even though she is obviously not loving and respecting you in return. I am trying to do that with my spouse, who had a 10 year affair along with numerous other infidelities over the years. How do you keep the resentment and cynicism at bay? I feel I have half a marriage. Suggestions for staying positive and warm?

  7. Nancy says:

    Actually, I think I will never 100% trust my husband again. He admits now to having had sex with three different women since we were married and five different women when we were boyfriend / girlfriend and when we moved in together . I never suspected him of cheating when it was actually going on. I can only remember one time that his behavior changed and he admits now that that was during one of his affairs. He never had to outright lie to me except that one time when I asked what was going on in our decreased sex life. He said everything was fine and he did not know what I was talking about. He hid his affairs very well but I think now I am not so naive and are more alert to signs of cheating / problems. But, no I will never trust him totally blindly again. I never should have trusted him that much anyway. We have been together since I was 16 and he was 17. We have been married for 39 1/2 years but the naive blind trust is definitely gone!

  8. Glyn Davies says:

    You never ever trust your wife again. I discovered yesterday 6 months after D Day that her Father has been involved in 6 affairs in 40 years of marriage ( this from his wife, my mother in law) she also,told me that his Father was the same
    Well his daughter is the same as well and despite all her protestations of undying love I’m not that stupid to believe it

    Trouble is she’s the love of my life

  9. Carol Kauffman says:

    3-18 months to rebuild trust? Boy, what a general statement. Is that time frame for a one night stand, when the spouse was drunk and experienced a very uncharacteristic lapse of judgment, and then proceeds to initiate therapy, embarking upon an intense period of self reflection and amends to his very forgiving wife? What a nice fairy tale scenario. What about those of us (probably a majority) who find out about long term and/or multiple affairs, continued deceit (even if faithful), and insufficient self reflection/amends. Its been going on 7 years since the 1st D day, but multiple “slips” since then, from lying to defensiveness to passive aggressive stonewalling- this after years of therapy. He’s been faithful though (99% sure) so I am still here. Some things just don’t “pass” entirely, you just learn to accept living in a marriage with a partner you wouldn’t have chosen in hindsight and trying to make the best of it.

    • Keith Davies says:

      It’s now 10 months since DDay which saw me discovering my wife’s affair of 17 months.
      There were 7 meetings in that time with a gap of 5 months and then a gap of 7 months . I know I know
      This was as if an express train had hit me and today I am still not over it. I loved her to bits up until March 16 but with 2 children – one studying for University and another of 12 starting his real education what was the alternative?
      I forgave her but as time has gone on I wonder if I made the right decision

  10. Doug says:

    For me, it’s been 17 years since my wife’s affair. After 12 years of marriage and two young daughters, she left us to be with someone she met at work and initiated divorce proceedings saying she wanted to marry the other man within a year after our divorce was final. Nearly a year later and within five days of our divorce being final, she decided she wanted to come home. Not wanting to become a part-time father or have someone else have a hand raising my kids, I decided to take her back. I initially thought the memories would just fade after a time but that hasn’t happened. I still think about it everyday and finally realized a few years ago that trust and closeness with my wife cannot and will never be the same. Now that my daughters are nearly grown, I’m having troubles imagining that rest of my life with her and feel like I missed out on what could have been a really good marriage.

    • dianah says:

      Doug, I think we all pretty much feel that way (if the betrayal hadn’t happened we could have had a good marriage). But TRUTH is we married disordered people so it could Never have happened (even for them with someone else). My husband lived a secret life for 36yrs bfore it got revealed & I lived w him everyday!! Trust always starts w oneself. You will never trust her so continue healing and Know you can always Trust you. If you already cannot see a future (long term/TRUST THAT) it is your gut saying to you-you cannot see the happiness your soul is longing for. I too am in that place. 41/2 yrs later he is Still Blaming me for his actions…I’m not buying that story & its just his Own sickness playing out since he did zip/zero to deal with his addictions. I plan MY Future based on what I will need & want to Add to my hard earned healing & happiness (as well as it can be after having all I believed to be my life, my love & my family ripped up from the roots). I want to forgive–I finally found that place. I don’t need too in this particular circumstance. I only had to ACCEPT that in life there will be Hero’s & there will be Pharoh’s. Either way…Salvation, Freedom & Life is a GIFT! Why waste it looking back to something that is already gone? You did not Choose to kill it but you certainly have the CHOICE to CHANGE course and find happiness with someone who has Equal Integrity!

    • De. MARROW says:

      2016, I discovered the love of my life had been unfaithful with 5 different men during our union. Trust….there is no trust….faith…i have faith in the Lord for showing me her true self. I once heard someone say if a person show you there true being…believe them!!!… I think about it daily there’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t cross my mind all the lies all the deceit all the con artist ways I have been destroyed but I’m on the rebound I found myself alone this journey and as the days go by I get stronger and stronger we left the city for which she used to date these men and moved 75 plus miles away to start anew however how can you call it a new when you roll over in bed and you see the same demon that did these things to you I feel like it’s just been a waste of time 12 years of waste of time

  11. Survivor says:

    The pain does not go away! It’s a death sentence to ever trust anyone or love again. counseling didn’t do anything but give the liar a place to fake more lies! Even the counselor believed him but he kept up lies, deception and was telling women he was divorced! Once a liar always a liar. Shame on me for believing that this would pass

  12. Carolyn McConaughey says:

    You may say the trust can be restored if both partners work together but what do you do when you cheating lying husband never really admits to doing anything wrong/that what he did do was wrong and considered cheating(flirting with other women, secretly calling and texting other women then deleting then so no one would find out, secretly meeting other women, taking them to dinner or going to their house, being physical(not not sexual he claims), kissing them, touching them intimately, sending indecent pictures of each other,etc. all while he was married to me; all this I have proof of but he constantly says “Get over it, it’s done and over” and “I am sorry I won’t do anything like that again” but again I find out he has. It started February 2017 and the last time was in April 2018. Maybe more after that don’t know cause now he has been locking his phone and his vehicle. I don’t know what to think anymore

    • Carol Kauffman says:

      Can’t say what to do but here’s what I did: 1)started preparing for a separation by looking at apts and consulting a lawyer, bringing home paperwork about finances, etc. so I could quickly file if I caught him cheating/lying again 2) maintained my cool (ok- I admit I lost it a few times, 3) didn’t back down. Kept calling him out for the least little infraction (e.g. thumbing thru my Venus catalogue; googling attractive news anchors on TV, etc. (This after affairs, one night stands, 3 comes, porn addiction, lap dances, etc. In other words, he got better and better as time wore on. Now, 8 years later, he’s “sober” and for the most part, we’re good.
      Only you can decide when you’ve had enough. If I were to do it over again, I would have gotten tougher sooner. Good luck. You deserve a happy, peaceful life!!

  13. Seenthelight says:

    I had been raised with the saying “Honesty is the best policy”. I made this perfectly clear to my husband before we got married and went so far as to give exact behaviors that I considered acceptable and unacceptable. We discussed all of this before we married and after we married, he agreed that these were appropriate in order to have a good marriage. Including the agreement that if either of us “slipped” up, it needed to be confessed and de died what WE needed to do. Needless to say, every agreement we made, whether regarding cheating or anything else he wanted to do was broken and lied about. All coming to agreement about boundaries etc. did was help him with his deceptions and gaslighting over the years (24 at least). When he cheated and I felt something was “off” he did his lying and gaslighting, even gaslighting to the point of tarnishing a friend’s reputation when they tried to tell me of his cheating. Once he confessed DDay #1, I knew I didn’t want him any more, he knew the consequences before we married, before he cheated, before he lied and gaslighted. It is now 4-1/2 years since DDay #1 and I don’t regret the decision. I have no desire to have another relationship and I do not intend to trust anyone again like I did him. It has been a long, long road to get close to feeling like the old me and I am not going to allow that to happen to me again.

  14. patricia gagliardi says:

    My husband had a emotional affair with a girl half his age, he’s 65! The same age as his oldest daughter! I gave him my trusts for forty five years, I found out this pass June by seeing 100 of texts on his phone back and forth between him and her. I know I will never forgive him or trust him again. We are working on the marriage and it’s moving along, but I still get very emotional and have triggers when the thought of his actions pop into my head for no reason. So yes I agree I will never feel I can trust him again!!!

Leave a Reply to Doug Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *