Comments on: Surviving Infidelity: Charging Neutral

By: Pam

Pam — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 23:29:43 +0000

This has been so heartbreaking. As a woman who has been married for 18 years and has what I thought was a terrific life all that was shattered 9 months ago after finding out about my husbands 2 year affair. Not only had it been going on for 2 years but, it has been 9 months and we are still in limbo. She is 20+ years younger and lives in another state. Talk about living in a fantasy world. She doesn’t have kids and certainly doesn’t understand the devistation she is causing by still trying to reel him in. I have been physically and mentally sick about all this and can’t wait for the day to start my healing process and possibly smile and laugh again as my kids have pointed out that they can’t remember the last time they saw me smile. Of course being the loyal wife that I am, I continue to keep my husbands secret from them and most of the world. He tells me he is still in love with me but also in love with this woman who he calls his “soulmate”. He fails to realize that a deep connection results from communication. Very hard to continue your deep connection to your wife when you have been lying and sneaking around for a few years. Thoughts and prayers are with you all as you deal in your own private hells. I hope for find the strength and courage to navigate through mine without hurting the children.

By: Sandra Munoz

Sandra Munoz — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:01:53 +0000

My son also discovered his father’s adultery with another married woman who use to work for him. But my husband was not the first time he mess with another woman. In an effort to protect my children I too was not able to leave my children. Although my son let me know about what his father was doing I try to contront him, but he was always in denial, never accept he was having an affair. My husband left home almost four years ago and is with the same other woman living in another place. I have not seeing him since the time he left. We still make contact for the sake of our adult children which were affected by this situation. My daughter does not trust men and have dificulty in finding someone to love, same for my oldest son who have had sweethearts, but does not seem to compromise with anyone. I started reading all the work Bob has done and I too begin to “charge neutral”. I am doing okey taking care of myself, keep myself pretty busy. Though my husband still put the fault on me a take it easy and do not fight with him anymore. I do know for sure , he has hurt the family badly, but we are working on keeping the family together.

By: mike

mike — Wed, 06 Jan 2016 02:50:50 +0000

It’s funny how all the posts are women and the only male blames himself for “not listening”. It just shows men don’t like to talk about this stuff which makes us live in a personal hell. Well let me tell ya. My wife did the same exact thing..3 times. The older she gets the younger they get. The last one being 19…she’s 44, with 2 daughters. it’s an epidemic. All her friends are divorced or going to be very soon. The cheating partner acts like an entitled child who is out of their mind. Men you need to speak up more about your pain and expereinces. And everyone.. stop blaming yourself. It’s weak wimpy passive behavior and the furthest thing from the truth. I do have to say out of all the ridiculous nonsense I was told to try charging neutral is the only thing that works and it allows you to take back your power and truly live happily.. with it without them

By: Julie

Julie — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 23:18:23 +0000

My husband also let my 14 year old daughter carry around the knowledge of his infidelity for at least a year without my knowledge. She has lost so much respect for him. She found out tgrough technology. His text messages were also going through to her phone. He can’t seem to face up to his shame.

By: cheryl

cheryl — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 21:25:35 +0000

It’s very hard to deal with a cheating spouse when there are children involved. You wish you could walk away, but you are forced to see your spouse and their new lover. It’s very hard to cope when you know your spouse is lying to your children. I am hoping that these blogs will give me strength and insight.

By: JUne

JUne — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:58:52 +0000

My husband started his affair 2 years ago….I confronted him and gave himan ultimatum. (had not read the book). After 3 months the affair continued. I asked him to leave. He drank and drank, still with OW. Was sent to jail for 1 year for drunk driving.
My point, we are divorced now, he is out of jaila nd with OW. My daughter only wants a relationship with him…he is always with OW. My daughter refuses to take on this new woman, new family, new home, when she hasnt seen her dad for 1 year. I think men are selfish. My ex has forfeited his relationship with his now 14 year old daughter for a new life. How bad were we for him to just dipsose of us? My 7 year old son, who makes no judgements, and since daddy is the “fun uncle” on the weekends now, he goes with dad. I tell my ex he needs to earn her respect back, and he could care less. I have become such a cynic. She was daddys little girl and now i wonder if all that, 19 years of marriage and 2 kids, was a lie.

By: Anne

Anne — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 01:26:58 +0000

It is so painful to have our children dragged into things between their parents that they should not have to be. It sounds as if this lady is doing all she can to help her daughter about this.

By: Roland Barkans

Roland Barkans — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 21:27:00 +0000

Hello,
I read your article with interest and empathy. I also believe now that part of the healing comes from within yourself. It is indeed a time to look inside ones self and kind of re-evaluate the inner me. I discovered my wife had been writing a diary of how she felt with her bondage lover. We had been married 13 years and have a lovely 13 year old daughter. revealing that fact and what horrendous events happened afterwards, also has told me a lot about myself and my faults. I believe a difficulty i had was unable to “listen” what she had to say. To me it had often sounded that she spoke at me rather than to me. A distinct perception. How i am able to mentally handle this situation, i sincerely would love to know. If anything, i would dearly love to work at my marriage and bring her back to a far better relationship. With heartbreak, we will be divorced in a few weeks and our home is about to go on the market. Its a nightmare and tradgedy all round. I have gently told my daughter that i am not angry with my “wife”, but broken inside and simply cant talk to her. The words simply do not come out. Please send me an email, i am seeing a councilor, but further views are most very welcome.

By: Liz

Liz — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:28:17 +0000

As I read DR. Bob’s blogs, his daily e-mail messages, and all those that reply, I can’t believe how so many of us have had to deal with the trauma of infidelity. I, too, continue to follow the advice of Dr. Bob and am trying to break free from my husband’s ongoing affair. However, I continue to struggle with the “waiting”. I feel so isolated sometimes as I realize it is important to STUFF my real feeling and “charge neutral”. It is so, so difficult. I also believe my children no the pain I feel inside, which makes it even harder and more isolating. My husband and I continue to have a great life together..we just can’t seem to get rid of the silent elephant. It is up to him to realize what he is doing is wrong..I just don’t know when or if this will happen. I want his affair to be over! I want proof that it is over, too. How long do I have to wait? Can anyone help?
I continue to pray for all of you. The pain and confusion is unbearable at times and I don’t believe anyone…not anyone…should have to go through this. I’m sorry to realize so many of us do. (I guess this is all part of growing to be better people!?!)
Thanks for all your support.

By: Susan Finlay

Susan Finlay — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:48:36 +0000

I really feel for this woman. My kids were also older, but that just made them understand everything and they lost all respect for their father. They actually told me that even though they have lost respect he is still there father and its our problem to sort out. I know the affair is over, well there is no sex – but emotionally he is still involved as they stil work together every day and this is what kills me. I admire this woman for what she has done for her daughter, but she seems to be ignoring herself in the process. My husband says he is not involved emotionally but when they start telling each other private matters then in my eyes he is still involved. I tried charging neutral and it worked for a while, but am now having real difficulties carrying on and start to pick a fight whenever I think they have crossed the border line again, and I confront her all the time and get these answers back that she is not doing anything wrong. But after 2 years I still hope that all will be sorted as we have been married for 25yrs. Good luck to all who is going through this as I think it must be the most painfull experience that anyone will ever have.
Susan