Comments on: Confronting the Other Woman: Pain or Panacea?

By: Janel

Janel — Mon, 14 Aug 2017 22:22:23 +0000

As the wife of someone whose ex left her and married his other woman it does surprise me how many women expect the other women to “give them answers” that they feel they’re not getting from their husband.

I did not believe it was the other woman’s job to give me answers nor as an adult who is not under my care custody and control was she required to give me answers .

I realized the futility in writing a letter asking her to please back down so I could work on my marriage. Imagine how foolish I felt when two years later they married .

Bottom-line the only person that owes you answers is your spouse and if they don’t want to give it to you then your answer maybe to divorce .

I think we often don’t want to divorce because were afraid of losing money were afraid of losing the security of a relationship and quite frankly we feel that someone owes us for the years we’ve spent with them .

But in reality no one owes us anything and if a divorce occurs the law in most states is 50-50 . There’s no such thing as I’m going to sue her …. not unless you have a fair amount of money that makes it worth an attorney’s time and you also live in one of the very limited states that even allows you to sue.

Bottom line the relationship that is broken is between you and your husband and again this is coming from a woman whose husband left her and married the other woman .

The other woman is not a child who needs your scolding …. I’m just floored whenever I hear “I demand answers from the other woman!” really??

Do what I did just pack your bags and move on.

And all these women who say oh my husband and I are repairing our relationship. I hate to break it to you … chances are the cheating will occur again and your relationship is permanently damaged… it will never go back to what you used to have .. and remember that’s just the affair you know about.

We need to stop kidding ourselves and think the problem is with the other woman. it’s with your spouse!! It took me a while to admit it but when I did that was 10 times more freeing than thinking the other woman was expected to save my marriage.

By: Casey

Casey — Sun, 26 Mar 2017 16:31:28 +0000

My fiance had a 10 month affair with his friend’s wife, which they live just down the road from us and I considered her a friend but always had this weird feeling that she had a thing for my fiance. When I got a hold of the call detail list on our cell phone bill, I discovered they had been talking non-stop, so I confronted him and he swore they were “just friends” and nothing had happened. I didn’t believe him of course and asked him to show me texts they had sent each other. He sent me 3 of their texts and that’s it. There were thousands of texts and he only showed me 3. I knew there was more to the story so I kept pushing him to just tell me the truth. I ended up calling her and first thing I noticed was how her story matched my fiance’s story exactly. The problem was their stories were too much the same. It sounded rehearsed and I just didn’t feel like she was being honest. I called her again later that day because I had a few more questions for her and she had the nerve to say she understood what I was going through because she had caught her husband talking to some girl. I told her if she knew what it felt like then why the hell was she involved with my fiance!? I asked her when they last talked and she said my fiance had called her right before he blocked her on Facebook to tell her that it was my idea to have her blocked and that he knew I was going to be upset if I found out he had called her. Because, I had asked him that question the night before and he looked at me in my eyes and lied about when they last spoke. Something in my gut was telling me i wasnt getting the full truth, so eventually, I was able to buy a data recovery software program for his iPhone and I ran a backup from his icloud account and it pulled up all of the deleted texts between him and her and what do you know…..they had done more than just text each other. From all the texts, they never had sex–although she wanted to, he never initiated that with her, but they had kissed more than once and she sent numerous texts about how she loved his kisses, loved his deep voice and hairy chest. How she could “get off” just by hearing his voice in a voice-mail. She sent him several naked pictures, he only sent her ones without his shirt on but no naked ones. She kept trying to get him to stay overnight at her cousin’s house or in a motel but he never did. She asked him questions about me a lot and he wouldn’t respond. She also texted him right after she saw me in the grocery store, to tell him she saw me. They were both joking about it and then she asks him if he wants to kiss her and he responds with, “just a little bit. Lol” and the weird thing is, when I saw her in the store that day, I just felt like she was not comfortable seeing me, like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough. It just struck me as odd and totally made sense after I found out everything. The next morning after I found all of their texts, I sent her about 5 or so screenshots of texts they had exchanged and told her that I knew everything and what a pathetic excuse for a human being I thought she was and that I bet her husband would be interested to know about this. She responded with “I’m sorry” She didn’t know what else to say, blah,blah, blah. I said you both concocted a story together and lied about what had actually happened. She responds with “it wasn’t her business to tell me, she thought my fiance should be the one to tell me” i just laughed and said it wasn’t your business to get involved in a relationship with him, but that sure didn’t stop you. I also told her if she ever saw me in public, she better run in the opposite direction as fast as she can (which wouldn’t be very fast since she’s overweight). Honestly, I’m glad I confronted her and it definitely helped me feel better. I had power now, she couldn’t hide behind her lies anymore. I wanted her to know that I knew everything and that we will never be friends with or socialize with them ever again. I am glad that I confronted her and don’t regret it one bit. Because next time she does see me in public, she can hang her head in shame for doing what she did and I can feel confident that I know the truth and she didn’t “get away” with anything. My fiance has had zero contact with her since the last time they talked when he blocked her on Facebook. He admitted he has seen her driving in town but not in person. I have seen her driving as well but not in person either, which is surprising since we live in a very rural area in Oregon. But, I’m sure I will run into her at some point and I know I’m going to feel that rush of anger again and I have no intention of being civil to her. I’m not going to get in a fight with her but will make it obvious that she is not to speak to me or my fiance. She best be looking the other way.

By: SoManyTears

SoManyTears — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 15:51:11 +0000

Did I confront and did it help? After 11 years married with NO problems at all (seriously, not even an argument) I accidently discovered my H had been having 2 affairs. One for the past 15 months and then 2 weeks later, found out about another one lasting our entire marriage. I knew both OW. My H had encouraged me to be friends with them. The 15 mo OW was a recent widow, weighed over 350 lbs, had a colostomy bag (due to anal cancer) was on disability and looked like Shrek. The 11year OW was short, fat, toothless, mentally handicapped and married. My CH has told me that he chose BOTH of these women because they were easy prey and would keep his secrets. He knew they could be manipulated “like puppets on a string”. He knew they would lap up his attention. He has said he felt sorry for them. I confronted both. I wanted answers i was NOT getting from my H. Both lied. The 15 mo OW had always loved my H. In fact, he had cheated on his first wife with her over 35 years ago (and over the years during other relationships). The 11 year woman had her husband’s permission and was told by my H that I knew and was “on board” with the arrangement. It did me no good to confront. Both OW were lied to and liars. The 15 mo OW is dead now. Died from her anal cancer (caused from HPV) spreading to her spine. I now have anal HPV. The 11 year OW has been in hiding since DDay (June 2013). I hear she’s having health issues. Wonder if it’s HPV related? In all of this, I realize it’s my CH that is the problem. How he treats women. I KNOW I did nothing wrong. He is warped. He maintains both OW were “just friends”. He “can’t remember” anything, but says he’s sorry for whatever he did to hurt me. I am financially unable to leave. I have been living a nightmare for almost 4 years. He tried saying he did this because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, but I’m not having that. Since DDay, I have discovered he’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with. It caused arguments and then breakups. He has a pattern. He uses the excuses of a bad childhood and he’s “just a man”. Poor thing! Nope, not having that either. I believe he is sick. This has forever changed me and I don’t understand how someone can do this to another human being. He and all his OW have serious integrity problems. What i have learned from all of this is : If one cheats, don’t expect truth from them and NEVER fully trust anyone.

By: One day at a time

One day at a time — Thu, 03 Nov 2016 19:36:29 +0000

I confronted the OP two months after D-day. Their emotional affair was at a point where IMHO it would have shortly turned physical, had I not uncovered the affair. Her husband had found out months before me, but never contacted me. She had filed for divorce, but was back and forth on whether to continue it with my husband. Their relationship was very ‘middle school,’ with a friend of hers helping to set up places for them to meet, etc. For my husband, I would use Dr. H’s classification as a “I love the feeling of being in love” type of affair.
She had been a coach for my daughter’s team and we had a lot of acquaintances in common in our social circle. When my husband and I decided to work on the marriage, we decided not to tell our kids about the affair and I was very worried my daughter would hear it through the OP group of ‘friends’. I still question whether or not to tell the kids is the right thing. Seems there are arguments to both sides of that coin!
Two months in and my husband was still struggling with transparency and I knew I was not getting the real picture from him. My counselor helped me walk through why I wanted to confront the OP and what I would say. This REALLY helped me feel some control over the situation, yet be honest about my own expectations. It also helped to keep me from letting my emotions overrule my actions when I confronted her at her place of work.
She feigned concern for my daughter (what a joke and sooooo after the fact!) and claimed she only wanted him to be happy since he had chosen to stay with me (oh gee, thanks).
I walked away from it feeling like I was definitely the better person out of the three of us. At the time, I was very on the fence about staying with my husband and needed to verify some things with her. I also believe there are consequences to such awful and selfish choices these two made. Part of my husband’s consequence has been to see firsthand the utter pain it caused me (and my daughter who eventually found out), and the knowledge that he destroyed so much in our lives for a simple ‘ego boost’. Shame, regret and fear of the loss of the most important relationships in your life is so NOT worth the fake ‘high’ of an affair, but try explaining that to someone in the middle of it.
I don’t know what her consequences are, but I left our confrontation knowing I said my peace and made it clear to her that what THEY had done to me, my daughter and our families was horrible. I don’t know if she has much of a conscience (unlikely) and I don’t really care at this point. For me, it was more important to say my piece about someone treating me horribly, then to care what excuses she had to say. No apology from her to this day and my guess is, not likely to ever get one.
Some people learn from their mistakes and some never will. But that doesn’t mean we as hurt partners don’t have a right to point those mistakes out to our CS and the OP.
The best way to go into a confrontation is when you’re ready to do it with out all the anger and hurt. Reacting is exactly what they expect! Taking the higher road, treating them respectfully (which we all know they do not deserve), just proves you are the better person by a long shot, whether your cheating spouse figures that out or not! At least you can walk away from the confrontation proud of yourself and begin to rebuild those feelings of self worth and dignity that got ripped out from beneath you when you first discovered the affair. Best wishes to all of you on this roller coaster ride and encouragement on your own personal road to recovery.

By: Still Recovering

Still Recovering — Thu, 03 Nov 2016 16:30:07 +0000

My spouse had an affair with someone I thought was my/our friend. Given how well I knew her, and knew how much she admired my husband, I was pretty sure she was in love with him. So I acknowledged her pain. She in turn, gave me a gift of sorts. About a month after I discovered their affair (which lasted approx 1/3 of our marriage!) and he completely cut off all contact with her, I sent her a text message. “I know what it’s like to love him, and I’m sure you’re hurting just as much as I am right now.” She responded with “He never loved me. He always loved you. I was a fool.” So in the end, I think it was beneficial for me to have reached out to her. That said, I didn’t accuse her or rant and rave like a lunatic (and Lord knows I wanted to), but I took the high road and am glad I did.

By: yasuandio

yasuandio — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 18:10:02 +0000

Confronting an affair partner may be a good recipe for a defensive reaction rather than a productive discussion (there is no way to avoid confronting when you inquire about an affair). “Keeping [your] cards closer to chest,” seems to align with Dr. H’s models of dealing with such a matter (e.g., the key is to “respond” rather than to “react or confront”). Some experts suggest that through exposing an affair (bringing it out in the open to colleagues, friends and/or the other affected spouse) kills the mystery and “fog” of the alternate relationship. Some ethical work places do not tolerate immoral or dishonest conduct – therefore, a couple engaged in an affair could suffer career-related consequences (because an affair is immoral and dishonest by nature).

Furthermore, the spouse of a cheater, in all likelihood, would want to be informed for a variety of reasons (at the very least, health concerns and STD’s – no one really knows for sure whom the affair partner is or their spouse is having sex with).

Of course, the methodology applied in exposing an affair is a delicate matter. How do you go about exposing the affair?

IMHO, the affair can be exposed to the an employer and unknowing spouse, IF, and only IF one has absolutely hard core direct evidence. Then, one could privately and/or anonymously provide this evidence to those whom might be concerned (employers, friends, church, and the other spouse that has been cheated on). At this point, I would recommend one say nothing when the “eventual” meltdown takes place – that is called CONSEQUENCES (not your problem – it is the cheating couples problem).

Facts are facts. If one does not want to create a disaster at their workplace, and with their spousal relationship – they should try not to have affairs – plain and simple.

Say nothing. Only watch the affair completely dismantle, piece by piece. When others are aware of an affair, the former exciting encounters become a major stressful situation – that ain’t no fun!

How were they exposed? Who knows? Again, one does not have to worry about being exposed if exercising proper conduct – it is as simple as that. End of story.

By: Nancy

Nancy — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 16:43:39 +0000

I did confront the OW only because she was a long time ‘friend’. I confronted her to her face (not on the phone) because I wanted to see her reaction in person. She sat there stunned and staring into space and then said, “I’m sorry”. My question to her was ‘how could you do this when I thought you were my friend?’ She said she had anger issues with her husband who was abusive to her (physically, emotionally and verbally). I knew she had been unfaithful to her husband before and wanted to know what made her commit such betrayal against me. She just sat there and had no answer. In retrospect, I do believe that over the years of our friendship she grew to be resentful and jealous of me. Her husband constantly compared the two of us with me being the better person always (raising my children, education, occupation and ability to help my family). Of course, we are not ‘friends’ anymore. She and her husband did divorce but are living together at this time (I never told her husband). And my husband and I are still together. I did later write her a letter expressing my feelings regarding her need to admit that I did nothing to her and that she did have feelings of inadequacy (brought on by her husband), low self-esteem, resentment and jealousy. I told her that it was ironic that your husband treated you like a piece of shit and that meeting with my husband was actually allowing him to treat you like a piece of shit as well! My husband was not innocent. He admitted that the affair (which he said happened over a 3 year period with he and she meeting 5 times) had absolutely nothing to do with me (at least on his part). It had to do with his selfishness and greed. Confronting her was the exact right thing to do for me…and possibly for her.

By: Cara

Cara — Sat, 14 Nov 2015 01:04:02 +0000

I confronted today, actually. I was very polite and kind and simply told her I felt we were both being lied to and laid it all out. She thought we had been divorcing when she met him. She was very humble and open and seems like someone I could have been friends with. She insisted she never would have done anything had she known the truth and seemed disgusted. I don’t know how it will end, I havent talked to him and don’t know if they’ve talked to each other yet. Even if they don’t end the affair, which I feel she’s likely to, I dealt it a huge blow as far as their relating to each other goes. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t. Either way, I feel proud of how I handled it and I feel heard, I feel like a real person who exists and I’m not just someone they’ve merely mentioned anymore, however this turns out. And that feels healing to me.

By: peter

peter — Fri, 13 Nov 2015 22:22:02 +0000

I confront the other man, it was a very intense moment because it could have turned into a brawl. I kept my composure and let him talk. Hearing him talk made me realize how much of a coward he was and he was terrified of me because he knew he was in the wrong and he couldn’t stop apologizing. It was definately a confidence booster for me because at that point my self esteem was in the gutter. My only regret is that I waited until we ran into each other versus hunting him down immediately. Confronting him was the best thing I did toward recovery.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Mon, 04 May 2015 16:35:56 +0000

In reply to Quixote. Yes!!! that's what I'm talkin about. There have to be condsequences for this crap and if people keep just shrugging there shoulders and saying "oh well, nothing I can do about it" then people will keep thinking with the wrong freakin head and hurting whoever they please. I would sooo do what you did because like you, I am not a person you want to mess with. :-)