How Do I Stop the Constant Pain, Images and Thoughts of Him/Her Together
Ouch! No, it’s more than an ouch, isn’t it? How about a huge punch in the stomach? How about ripping your heart out? How about a menagerie of crazy unending thoughts and images of him/her together that defy sleep or anything else you propose for that matter?
Infidelity stabs you over and over, at least initially. Allow me to present 3 different but exceedingly powerful strategies and techniques for you to get a “hold” on your feelings and thoughts. Try one of them. One or more WILL work for you.
1. The good ole kitchen timer.
Notice I didn’t say “get rid” of your awful feelings. The more we insist upon them “going away” the more they seem to persist. After all, your feelings have concerns and fears that MUST be addressed. But, you want to address them on YOUR timetable and in in way that will honor you.
The key word is: control. You want to control yourself, your thinking and your feelings as you move through this agonizing process. At the same time you do not want to “control” to the extent that you deny, avoid or minimize what it is that you must look at and address in your situation.
I often suggest this technique.
Get a kitchen timer or stop watch of some kind, notebook and pencil.
When the feelings/thoughts are most intense, find a place where you can be alone (lock the bathroom door, if need be). Set the timer/watch for 2 minutes.
Write down everything that you are thinking/feeling uncensored. Let it come. Let it flow. Don’t worry about what you write. You can shred/burn it immediately after writing. Just notice the thoughts that rumble through your mind. Write them down. Notice the feelings and specifically where they are located in your body. Write them down.
When the timer goes off, say to yourself, “OK, it’s time to put you (feelings/thoughts) aside for the time being. I have other responsibilities. I will come back to you later.” This process develops and calls attention to a “part of you” that can stand back and monitor (control in a healthy manner) the process. You also treat your feelings and thoughts with respect and acknowledge their legitimacy.
When the thoughts and feelings begin to emerge again, maybe minutes or 2, 4 hours later, follow the same process.
Give it a try.
This is often helpful for those who like to write, or express themselves best through the written word. And, it seems to be most helpful for those who tend to be reflective in nature.
If this doesn’t work for you, don’t worry. It may not fit your style of how you cope with intense feelings/thoughts.
2. Knowledge is power.
Ok, so what’s with these wrenching feelings and reeling images? Why? Why so strong? Why am I knocked off my feet with them? What’s “underneath” them? Ever thought about that?
Well, time and time again, every day really, I hear from those blind-sided by infidelity. And underneath the pain they describe predictable and pernicious ways they think about themselves as infidelity strikes their sacred relationship.
Here’s what I hear people “really saying:”
- There must be something wrong with me.
- I must be defective sexually or perhaps didn’t please him/her enough.
- I’m going to lose everything and there’s nothing I can do about it.
- I am totally embarrassed and humiliated. I never thought this would happen to me (us).
- S/he (they) have it ALL now. S/he’s having a whirlwind of romance and fun and I’m stuck with absolutely nothing.
- My life is over.
You may be able to add your own…
This was sent to me by one of my coaching clients soon after her discovery, summarizing her agony:
Does it matter what any of the answers to my questions are? Once I know all the answers — what’s the question I ultimately want to answer?
Can I forgive him no matter what all they did (whether I know or not)? –
if I can then…
Will I ever be at peace knowing it’l never happen again? –
if no then…
Can I continue living on in a situation knowing I may never be at peace to ever trust you again?
if no then…
If I can’t trust you to love me with respect as I ought to be loved, who can I trust?
if there’s no one I can trust then…
What is wrong with me that I don’t deserve to be loved as others successfully love each other?
if there’s something wrong with me then…
How was the affair my fault?
if the affair was my fault, yet he didn’t even tell me what I was “driving him to do” then …
Why should I try at all?
if it’s my fault regardless of what he’s done then…
Why should I even try to do what I ought to?
if it’s not my fault then…
What should I do?
What’s the right thing to do?
What’s it worth my life to be doing?
How do I have peace that I know what reality is and that I can trust my own judgment?
Do I need to know what reality is to have peace and trust my own judgment?
If what’s best for me is the right thing to do — how do I know what’s best for me?
If what’s best for me isn’t the best thing to do (thus not the right thing to do)– how do I know?
There is a way out of the confusion and pain.
You see, infidelity is surrounded by a bunch of myths and half-truths.
We really don’t know much about infidelity.
In reality, infidelity is to a large degree glamorized. Isn’t the underlying message we receive, “Infidelity is Hot! Infidelity is romance and the ultimate goal of a relationship is romance! This is how we are to truly feel in a relationship!” ??
You will learn differently here.
And, once you learn differently you will experience a feeling of relief that will flow through you like a warm loving river.
The powerful negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and your life will evaporate.
You will feel empowered. You will cast off your victim role. You will take action that will target exactly what you need to say and do to break free.
And then, it will be s/he who will blink, who will squirm and truly notice you.
I have literally hundreds of testimonials from those who read “Break Free From the Affair” who describe the relief and shift in their thinking once they begin to understand the true reality of infidelity.
They realize there are 7 kinds of affairs, each exceedingly complex. They begin to understand which one they face, or which combination of the 7 they face.
Knowledge is POWER!!! Knowledge gives YOU power!
3. Headphones, focus, your friends and an expert.
Here’s what I do when I bump into a problem, especially a problem that stirs up my fear and/or anger. I focus on it. I jump into it. Now, this hasn’t been always easy because from a young age I tended to bury my head in the sand.
But, I’ve learned that for every pain, for every problem, for every crisis there is a healing, changing process that I must go through which resolves the crisis or problem. There IS a way through it. And, believe it, I usually come out on the other side better for it.
There were ways of looking at that crisis that that I hadn’t considered. I was in that crisis because my world and thinking was too narrow. I was missing something.
Once I embraced the problem and opened myself to other perspectives I found “it.” And… felt much much better.
How do I do that?
Well, I seek out resources. Much like you are doing.
One of my favorites now is my ipod. I put as much information on that crisis as I can find on the ipod, plug in my earphones and go for a long walk…listening to a larger world that will help me through my crisis. I drive down the road listening to the ipod.
I focus, my world is expanded and the problem is resolved.
That’s why I created a tape series. I recorded 19 of my coaching sessions with those, like you, moving through the infidelity process. Powerful sessions!
Most of these folk read “Break Free From the Affair” so they were on warp drive when it came to healing, learning and intervening in their relationships.
Listen to them. You are not alone. You will find your “soul mate” – that person or persons whose experiences mirror yours. You will hear my comments. New worlds and ways of thinking and feeling will open to you.
I welcome you to this site.
Please bookmark and make sure you return again.
I and my staff are here to serve you.
The best,
Bob
Dr. Robert Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
P.S. Oh yes. If you need to talk to someone, and you tend to “talk through” your problems, please visit the chat room. We have a chat schedule and moderators who will welcome you. Some find this support exceedingly helpful.
P.S.S. One more thing, I promise. Don’t forget to sign up for the Free Ecourse, 7 Killer Mistakes that Prolong the Affair and Your Misery. If you’ve missed it, go to the upper left column on this page and sign up. You will be glad you did!
