Survive Infidelity: Accept the Pain and No Self-Blame
The birth of a child often, from my experience, sends a shockwave through the family and sometimes squarely behavior results. This pattern is typified in the first scenario below. Her husband promptly had an affair. Although the pain and feelings were severely intense, in looking back she suggest embracing those feelings at the time. Recovering from the affair is the outcome.
The second scenario points to the importance of self-acceptance in dealing with adultery. Recovering from the affair more quickly is attained by refusing to accept blame for the affair.
The day I found out was also the day I was induced to have my baby girl. I ended up going into shock, had convulsions and honestly don’t remember much about her birth. The first few weeks I was terrified. How in the world was I going to raise 4 kids on my own? I begged, pleaded, even bargained to let my husband “keep the girlfriend”, just don’t leave me. I was desperate. The kind of desperation that is NOT healthy. But it was necessary at the time for me to exist, to live. I’m not sure how I got thru the next few months other than to concentrate on getting thru each hour of each day for my children. I listened and watched music videos, and wrote in a journal. I cried every single day I got my babies down for their nap and promised myself to pull it together by the time my older children got off the bus. I lived like this for 5 months. Then the sadness ended, and I snapped. I was enraged, an anger I’ve never felt before. I had tolerated too much. I filed for divorce and told my husband he could now leave, no more strings holding him back. Funny, we went to court a month later and my husband asked to reconcile. I was very skeptical, but decided to try. Slowly I started trusting him but was emotionally slammed against the wall six months later. Although the other woman had moved many states away from us, they had never ended their affair. The scabs of my heart and soul were ripped open wide again. But my reaction this time around was different. No begging, no pleading, just an eerie quiet that my husband couldn’t stand. 2 weeks prior to learning about his ongoing affair, I had signed papers to end the divorce proceedings. He now was terrified of losing me and the kids. He broke off the relationship with the other woman and is 100% focused on our family. We are still working on things and the road has been one filled with many potholes. The best advice I can offer someone is that you have to allow yourself to cry, to feel that pain. Don’t focus on tomorrow, next week, a year from now. Just go hour to hour. Compliment yourself for getting thru each minute and hour. Those hours eventually turn into a full day. And if you slip, and fall, never berate yourself. I fell many times, crumbled to the floor and thought I would die from the pain. But only so many tears can fall. And when the crying stops, just try again. Never give up on yourself.
First and foremost is to understand that in no way was this your fault. With that accomplished you can move on to understanding the how and whyfores of the infidelity, and while this takes a little time and honesty on both parts I feel it is what helped me get to a better place. I also entrusted one person with whom I could share my feelings with and gather their perspective. In just 3 meetings I had a sense I was where I needed to be. I also found that forgiving is a very powerful tool but you must honestly get to that point in your mind.With this all said she has come to know me with an all new respect. Life is good!!!!!!!
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