On Surviving Infidelity: The Comforting Voice Within
The wounded spouse below eloquently describes her feelings of devastation on surviving infidelity and eventually finding support for the infidelity from within.
Bob, when I learned about it. It was 12 midnight I just grabbed his cellphone so I can send a text message to a friend. Then I saw the text message from a familiar number, following up on the delayed allowance of a child. I checked if it was addressed to somebody else, since it’s a company-issued cp, but I confirmed it since my husband sent a reply message saying that he will provide the money later as he can’t go out the office yet, he’s been busy. After knowing that “this is it, it’s is true”. Here is my blog on the first few days/weeks: June 2, 2008 2:55 AM Devastated. This is the best word to describe me nowadays. Have you experienced knowing something and literally sucked the life out of you? …Or going into shock and the only thing you hear is your heart beating, pumping the blood to keep you alive? Then suddenly you fear if you’ll have a heart attack, you just wait for it to happen? Have you experienced not sleeping through the night and wept the whole time?.. waking up ~twice in the middle of the night, as if somebody’s sitting on your chest, heavy because of the hurt and pain. Your hands cold and trembled, and felt your blood running through your veins from your hands to your shoulder? How about feeling heavy inside, as if somebody knocked you off your chest. And then tears just continue to roll down your cheeks, even if you’re not thinking about anything? Have you experienced wanting to get out of a situation but you can’t. You just close your eyes, weep and try to cover it with your very hands? You just shake your head with great disappointment? How about almost fainting because of too much pain inside? …when you prayed so deep like you never did before? When weeping and praying is like morphine, it stops the pain for a while and that pain just comes out as tears? How about waking up and asking yourself if it’s just a bad dream? Was it real, did it happen? Sometimes, you just feel and cant’ explain in words. I saw Jesus on my mind, and just like Him, I felt like I was the one carrying the cross, somebody beat up your knees, yes very crippling. It almost killed me, I felt I was drowning, I try to breath some air, but when I do, I feel like my nose is the only thing left floating on the water, my whole body completely under it. Do you think this is an exaggeration? No. It is not. I felt all of this, literally, when I knew. Yes, April 9, 2008 – the saddest night of my life. When you just knew, all this while, your husband whom you loved so dear and with your life, betrayed you – your love and trust. Now, I knew the meaning of all negative words – devastated, shattered, crumbled down, agony, pain, hurt, hatred. He had an affair, and not just any affair – it was an affair of the heart, and bear fruit from it. The night I knew, I said to myself it already happened – the most painful thing that can happen to a marriage, or the ever feared situation a woman would never wish to encounter – an affair and a child from it. At that point, I was waiting for him to alibi, pero I can never cheat myself out of it. It is so true, no alibis, he was the one who replied back to the msg, it was addressed to him really. That’s the time I wanted to walk out, but I didn’t do it – not just because it’s way past midnight, and I don’t think I can even turn a car key. But literally, because I simply cannot move, I was so weak, so overcome with the betrayal and deception that came to my life. I just wanted to cry, rage, vent, etc. It’s the turning point in my life – and I knew I can never go back to my old life. I now knew how it feels when all the sadness, pain, hatred and darkness bestow their might on you. Yes, they can kill you if you’re weak in spirit. I hold on to God and prayed like I never prayed before, it’s consuming me. There’s only one thing, I got, a message he planted in my heart. Out of all the confusion, fear, questions, frustrations, etc. simply nothing clear emerged on my mind, but this thought >> “Nancy, trust me on this one, Hold on tight, it’s not going to be an easy ride. But I promise you, all that’s been taken away from you – I will return to you double.” And there goes my faith, those were His words to me on my darkest hour. And I believed Him. That’s the greatest affirmation of God’s intervention in my life – and I will always believe that, always trust God.
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